How do I go about....

[njlauren]

S_Gal, in some ways you are describing a lot of relationships, including mine....if your H is like myself, he probably wished you were more open, adventurous, etc, but also loved and accepted you for who you are/seemed to be and didn't want to force you, in fear of making it seem like he thought less of you or whatever. Erotica and erotic novels are weird things, the 50 shades whatever it is has done something I think, my mate started reading books like that and it opened up something for us...and I would be willing to bet a pretty good amount that your Hubby isn't exactly going to be upset if you suddenly start revealing your other side

 

[southern_gal]

You are correct about him not being upset. He is only home for weekends (except for this one due to working over on a job) and I sent him a video email and several texts this week that for me, is waaaaay out of character. I loved doing it and he certainly seemed to like getting them. He might also be wondering who was sending them! I am looking forward to what new things we might get explore if my new found nerve holds up.

 

[njlauren]

You are correct about him not being upset. He is only home for weekends (except for this one due to working over on a job) and I sent him a video email and several texts this week that for me, is waaaaay out of character. I loved doing it and he certainly seemed to like getting them. He might also be wondering who was sending them! I am looking forward to what new things we might get explore if my new found nerve holds up.

You go, girl!

If he hasn't balked yet, it probably means you are pretty free to let loose and explore, take it from me. As a friend of mine who was talking me through broaching things with my spouse, said if you open up and they don't run like a candy assed baboon (colorful guy, don't you think?), you are likely sitting look at a green light. Have fun, let us know how it goes!

 

[Chrisana]

Hi...my name is Chrisana. This is my first post (I'm a little nervous) but I've been lurking on Literotica for about 4 months....enjoying the stories and recently finding the forums. They have been extremely helpful to me. They are filled with very intelligent, kind, and witty people. I've realized there are many people in a similar situation to myself and it might help to talk with them....so I made myself finally register.

I am 41, married for almost 20 years with 2 terrific kids. I admit I am one of the millions of women (and men) who read 50 Shades of Grey. And while I am the first to admit that it isn't especially well written and the characters are seriously flawed...I was also deeply affected by it. I always felt like there was something missing from my life but I wasn't quite sure what it was. I was naive...I know that...and I am married to a VERY vanilla husband. (I didn't know that was the term at the time, but now I do.) After reading it, I was energized. I suddenly realized what it was I was looking for in my relationship with my husband. I feel like I have been sleep walking through life. You know...basically happy, taking care of my family, being a good wife and mother. I am a very shy, conservative person harboring a very naughty side. I definitely wanted to spice things up a bit but wasn't sure how.

So...I kind kept quiet about my new realized desires...at first trying to subtly introduce some of the ideas from the book to my husband....nothing crazy...just a little spanking...maybe a little restraint (in a totally loving and passionate way...not in a mean creepy way). I do remember MANY years ago bringing a hair brush into bed...I guess I knew then a little bit...but it didn't last. Anyway...LOL...the look on his face when I kind of shyly brought it up. He was reluctant.

He is a great guy...sweet and funny and hopelessly in love with me...but he was finding it difficult to understand these desires. I sort of run the house and am in charge of the day to day activities...and the thought of being able to just let go and let someone else be in control is a major turn on for me. But, he is pretty gentle and passive (which is one of the reasons I married him all those years ago) and it's not in his nature to be aggressive. Certainly not in the way I am wanting him to be.
The thought of spanking me just really disturbed him. He doesn't understand at all...I'm not sure I understand why I like it... I just know I do. He does try..but I know he's just doing it to please me and it's just not the same for me. It's not just enough that he'll do it...I want him to WANT to do it, to be as turned on as I am.
I wanted to try all the things in the book ( I know..that's a lot! LOL!) but I want that kind of connection with him.

I asked him to read the books and try and get what I got from them. Well...he hated the first one..never finished it. He tried, for me, but he couldn't get past how badly written they were (He's a writer) and he didn't care for the subject matter. He liked that I wanted more sex...he was okay with that part...but it was back to our usual...just a bit more often.

Well....it wasn't going to well. He wanted to make me happy but being spontaneous, creative or "wild" in bed just isn't who he is. He calls me his red-headed "Succubus". I am draining all his energy by needing more and more sex. LOL! He wants to know where his wife has gone and if she is coming back. He of course is teasing me..he always makes me laugh...but it's a bit sad, too. He is so loving, reliable and dependable. Not bad things if you really think about it. So I kind of let it drop (again) and we fell back into our easy routine.

Then I found Literotica. Well...if I was "awakened" by Shades of Grey..you can imagine my reaction to Literotica...ROCKED MY WORLD!

So, now I had 1000's of wonderful stories (yes, some better than others, but on the whole...pretty terrific)....and there was no going back. I was reading them every night on my Iphone in bed. I even ventured a little to an on-line website that featured spanking (I can't believe I am admitting this...LOL). My husband also doesn't care for porn..*****bably the only man in America...and I was (still am) embarrassed to ask him to watch it with me because I know it does nothing for him.
He did take me to the local sex shop and I picked out a few toys...he was a little bit horrified, but he came with me. He wants me to be happy and I know he wishes he felt the same way about these things as I do, but just doesn't. There's definitely a "passion" disconnect between us. To him snuggling in bed rubbing me gently is passionate...which certainly isn't bad...but it's just a start. My level of what passionate is is SIGNIFICANTLY higher.

I'm sorry this is so long. I definitely did not intend to go on like this but once I started it just felt so cathartic to let it all out. I know there are people out there just like me...maybe some who have solved the problem. I guess what I am looking for is primarily advise. What can I do to bring him around..if ever. And if I can't, how do I reconcile my needs with what he is able to give me? I would love to have a friend or friends... in the same place as me to talk to/commiserate with. None of my friends in my social circle (I am pretty shy, so that's not a whole lot of people, to be perfectly honest) are remotely into this...not that I know of anyway, and I'm not about to bring it up!

I feel like I am unhappy and I don't have a right to be. I am truly blessed. I have a loving husband, and I terrific family. Am I being selfish?

Thanks for all who are discussing this topic. I know once I get my feet wet, I'll probably feel more and more comfortable posting and discussing. I certainly love hearing other peoples stories. Very inspiring.

I guess I should fill out my profile, but I have to go make dinner.
Just a quickie... I am average hight and weight...auburn hair and lots of freckles. I like painting, gardening, spending time with my kids, and all things British. Which explains my spanking fetish which I realized (thanks to that afore mentioned web site)...is a distinctly British past time! HA!!!

Now..to have the courage to hit "Submit".....
Thank you very much for listening.

 

[heyrocky]

Dont worry be happy

Chrisana;
My circumstances are much like yours only in reverse. My wife of 23 years was vanilla. The sex we had was terrific but did'nt go as far as I would have liked it to. I did talk her into some light bondage and spanking but it was always forced on her part and she never just let it all hang out the way I was craving. She passed away from cancer 1 month ago and I would give anything in the world to have her and all of the vanilla that went with her back. I have realized that the true love she had for me was much more important than my desires. Now that she is gone the things I miss the most are her smile, her laugh, her hugs and kisses, and most of all her friendship. If you have all of these things you have more than a great majority of married people. I know this is not what you want to hear right now but cherish the man who loves you despite his inability to rise to what you desire. The sex would be great if he would do what you want but most people having great sex don't necessarily have a great relationship otherwise. I hope this helps your heart I know your urges won't go away, mine haven't but when you get that urge there is always literotica and all the great stories to get you through.

 

[Chrisana]

Thank you!

Hello, heyrocky,

Wow.... Thank you so much for sharing. I am so sorry for your loss. Of course, I know that you are right. True love is a rare thing in this life and not to be taken for granted. Your post had me in tears and it was exactly what I needed to hear.
I will make it my mission not to give up hope on my husband, but rather lure him to the naughty side with me! You really helped me. Thank you.
Best wishes to you!

 

[GrrlFriday]

Firstly, it sounds like your husband may need some reassurance. Secondly, there are a lot of resources on the BDSM Talk forum that may be helpful. Your husband may have been raised not to hit a lady, and may be confused or upset by your new interests. You need to be articulate about why these things appeal, which is hard, especially in the stage where you don't know why you like them, (I've seen the term 'sub frenzy' being used for something like this...) but not nagging or making him feel inadequate for not understanding.

Hope this helps somehow.

 

[Chrisana]

Weird typo??

This is the neurotic side of me coming through. I just noticed a weird typo in my first post. A bunch of funny stars (*****) appear when I was typing the word "probably". It makes it seem like I was cursing! LOL! Not really sure what that was all about. I also caught a few typos.... Oh well. Life is full of typos, I suppose.
Thanks, again.

 

[Chrisana]

Hello, GrrlFriday,
Thanks for the advice! I know communication is critical. I do need to be braver about asking for exactly I want. I've been shy about it but clearly I need to get over that. I can't really fault him when I am being vague. I can definitely be reassuring and not critical. Thank you!!!

 

[subwannabe]

All I can say is baby steps. You're probably never going to get all the way there but maybe you can be happier than you are right now. Perhaps you can find a different book with a similar theme that is better written.

 

[Chrisana]

Thanks, everybody! I gave myself a major attitude adjustment. I decided to focus on what my husband WAS doing and not what he wasn't doing. When I thought about it in those terms...it made all the difference! We had a terrific evening (and morning) I won't bore you with the details, but lets just say that I was pretty damn happy. LOL! He even did something very naughty...something I've been hinting about...so maybe he is willing to push the vanilla envelope a bit more. I will be bolder and definitely appreciative and positive in my feedback to him. He just needs more confidence. I can give him that!
You are so right, subwannabe, baby steps.

Any good book suggestions? Has anybody read Bared To You? I heard it was good.

Thank you!

 

[subwannabe]

Hey, You won't bore us with the details!

 

[Chrisana]

HaHa...I thought about that after I sent my reply. Of course Lit folks would want the details! That's why we're all here.

 

[imemkay]

Any good book suggestions? Has anybody read Bared To You? I heard it was good.

Thank you!

Haven't read it...but a coworker is reading it for the second time. When I asked what it was about she said "like 50 shades with less sex but with better writing."

 

[debycha1968]

Mark Twain

Mark Twain said "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

 

[jusgoodcleanfun]

hi

Just found this thread and I've just the opposite problem. My wife of 21 years is such roman catholic in bed its crazy. I cant get her to even talk about anything new, once a week quickie and thats it.... how do I ger her past this?

 

[southern_gal]

I started this thread because I have tons of questions about lots of things. Most of them about how to overcome years of ignoring my own sexuality. I am determined, (and am actually making progress), to explore some of the areas that I have previously thought were just not things I should even think about, let alone actually do. The encourgement and pm's have been both thoughtful and helpful. This thread has kind of devolved into more than I intended but that is how it goes I suppose. I do however wish to thank those that have reached out to me both in this thread and thru messages.

 

[luvnmyboys]

So glad you are making exciting progress.

I appreciate reading the stories of you ladies. A lot of it really resonates with me. It was really hard for me to open up to new things. It's still hard for me to open up on the forum. My apologies to the person who thought my experience is tame. I'm not ready to share all my intimate details with the world. I wanted to applaud and encourage the ladies that are trying out new things. It's not always easy to try new things that maybe felt wrong in the past.

 

[Chrisana]

My apologies, southern_gal. At first I was upset by your PM to me. But then I read the thread from the beginning and you were right. My post did (as you said) take the "focus" off your original question and all the advice was coming to me. I'm so sorry. I'm new...I didn't realize. I thought threads were like conversations...ebbing and flowing...changing direction as new people brought their thoughts and experiences to the table. Evolving. I learn the most about myself by listening to other people's experiences. But, I stepped on your thread and I'm sorry about that.

I think maybe posting isn't my cup of tea.

I want to thank everybody for their kind words and advice. In the few days I was here...you truly, truly helped me.

heyrocky...a special thank you to you. I printed out your kind words to me. Whenever I find myself not appreciating the wonderful life I have..I'm going to read the note and remind myself of what is truly important. You touched my heart.

Thanks all..have fun! Bye.

 

[bluesky496]

bringing out the inner woman that I feel like has always been there but never had the courage to let loose. At the ripe old age of 40 I have a long list of what if's and maybe's that I am only adding to and never bringing to the surface. Funny as this sounds just signing up and posting here is actually a big step and probably silly to others.

well done for taking the first step and admitting it to yourself ,it takes courage to announce such things to others as well so you are being very brave ,take your time and think about the next step and take it when you are ready ,kisses Lucy ,t.v.

 

[Goey]

Sadly this is really society's fault, sex has been about "him" for a long time, and women who enjoy a bit of fun are often seen as sluts or objects. So now so many ideas are seen as wrong, even if they really aren't. This is pretty much a battle against all the things the world has been secretly whispering to you not to do.

Facials and anal are the 2 biggest "it's for him" things which really, are about her. Anal feels amazing, sure he gets a tighter hole and gets off on the visual appeal, but as a woman it's a completely different sensation, and as hot as facials may look for him, lets face it, once he's came the idea of it is going to be less erotic than the reality. For you and me though, we're still wound up and thus get to enjoy the eoritcness of a facial for much longer and more intensely.

My advice would be to start "small" with the basics. Handcuffs, some sexy clothing, a soft leather paddle, a small butplug (as in so small, it will really be no trouble at all) and just have fun with it. Keep an open mind and try everything twice.

 

[Corwith]

bringing out the inner woman that I feel like has always been there but never had the courage to let loose. At the ripe old age of 40 I have a long list of what if's and maybe's that I am only adding to and never bringing to the surface. Funny as this sounds just signing up and posting here is actually a big step and probably silly to others.

In my experience; it is easier to experiment with who you are with people who don't know you. The people who do 'know' you don't usually seem to be as open to your potential as you are. They are used to what is, and have little interest in what could be. However; if you have a husband or SO, they might be open to the idea of letting you roleplay the personality facets out. This could be a good/fun way for you to experiment.

 

[southern_gal]

In my experience; it is easier to experiment with who you are with people who don't know you. The people who do 'know' you don't usually seem to be as open to your potential as you are. They are used to what is, and have little interest in what could be. However; if you have a husband or SO, they might be open to the idea of letting you roleplay the personality facets out. This could be a good/fun way for you to experiment.

Thanks for the info. I hadn't really given this perspective a lot of thought but now that I am, you are so right. Some of my closest friends know that I am almost two different people really. The one that is hopelessly addicted to erotic stories and the other part of me that doesn't want that info out. Most of my friends however would probably laugh if someone told them I had secret bdsm fantasies or something like that. I am guessing they would say nope, you've got the wrong one cause she is not like that at all. If they only knew. I have no ambitions to become the new town tramp by any means but I will admit to the guilty pleasure of recently wearing clothes that I don't usually wear. I did like the occasional look.

 

[L8tnIt]

I started this thread because I have tons of questions about lots of things. Most of them about how to overcome years of ignoring my own sexuality. I am determined, (and am actually making progress), to explore some of the areas that I have previously thought were just not things I should even think about, let alone actually do. The encourgement and pm's have been both thoughtful and helpful. This thread has kind of devolved into more than I intended but that is how it goes I suppose. I do however wish to thank those that have reached out to me both in this thread and thru messages.

May I offer a professional suggestion to do some research? I suggest two books for referencing: Down & Dirty Sex Secrets by Tristan Taormino, and Spare Me the Roses (Give Me the Thorns) [author unavailable at this time].
I have learned that learning about anything is never a bad thing- especially sex!

 

[imemkay]

........