How did you know when it was over?

[Calamity Jane]

We've had the "How did you know you were in love" threads... here's a "how did you know you weren't in love anymore" thread.

You're in a long term relationship. Once upon a time, you loved this person more than anything or anyone else. They consumed your every thought and fantasy. Just knowing they were there, nearby, wanting you, was enough to get you through the shittiest day.

But that's changed. Everything has changed. How did you know when you were beyond 'one more try'?

I'm looking for emotions, not acts. The acts are simply expressions of the underlying problem anyway, right?

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

If you find out --- let me know. I am completely lost myself.

 

[Mensa]

Emotions, eh?

When I returned from a business trip and discovered she'd sold the house, cleaned out the joint account, put my dog in the pound, burned my clothes, and left in my '64 Mustang with my "best friend".

Emotional? Darn right I was emotional. I loved that dog and it was a rotten thing to do to him!

 

[Calamity Jane]

Re: Emotions, eh?

When I returned from a business trip and discovered she'd sold the house, cleaned out the joint account, put my dog in the pound, burned my clothes, and left in my '64 Mustang with my "best friend".

Emotional? Darn right I was emotional. I loved that dog and it was a rotten thing to do to him!

So the important question is... did you return in time to get your dog safely out of the pound?

I've missed seeing you around these parts, ya smartass

 

[kiwiwolf]

I caught her in a lie, a major lie. I'd had my suspicions for a while but was stupid enough not to want to believe them. I confronted her quietly about the lie and she admitted she was seeing someone on the side. There was no remorse, no apology, no nothing. That was when I knew it was done.

It is only two months old and we are still sharing the same house. It is a brain mashing exercise and is damned hard on the emotions as well but it is the only way I would ever be able to stay with my kids. They are my world.

 

[MissTaken]

In terms of marraige, it was easy for me to recognize the end. He gave me some concrete, measurable reasons to leave.

However, the love was gone long before that. The first time I felt it was when I lay in bed wishing he wouldn't come home that night. (About three years before the actual leaving took place.)



In terms of dating experiences, some are easy. Current one is difficult. Difficult because I care deeply and he isn't on the same page as I am. Oh well, it will go as it should.

 

[Shockdoctor]

I'm going to take a stab at this since I just ended a long term relationship.

I just felt that I couldn't deal with all of the little things that she did that bothered me anymore. I felt like I no longer had any patience with her and that I was beginning to feel trapped in a bad situation. I also realized that this frustration was starting to show, as I would get angry with her over very petty things. I just needed some space, and I knew she wouldn't be able to give it to me so I had to end things. I still have strong feelings for her though, so I can't say for sure that I won't give it one more try sometime down the road.

 

[lilminx]

I'm not sure if I ever TRULY was in love with him to begin with, but

I think that I subconsciously realized it was over when I had to look at porn on the internet just to get turned on enough to want to have sex with him. Then I even had to start pretending he was someone else in order to get through the sex and get off on it. I was starting to feel repulsed by him physically. Then I went and kissed someone else. That was my epiphany.

 

[Hamletmaschine]

You must be readin' my mail, Kiwi...

I caught her in a lie, a major lie. I'd had my suspicions for a while but was stupid enough not to want to believe them. I confronted her quietly about the lie and she admitted she was seeing someone on the side. There was no remorse, no apology, no nothing. That was when I knew it was done....


Virtually the same thing happened to me recently. Hurt like a motherfucker...still does sometimes.

 

[Calamity Jane]

It is only two months old and we are still sharing the same house. It is a brain mashing exercise and is damned hard on the emotions as well but it is the only way I would ever be able to stay with my kids. They are my world.

I completely understand your desire to keep your kids close... but how is it affecting the sanity of the household? Do the kids know it's over between you?

Feel free to tell me to shut the hell up, ok?

 

[Mensa]

Re: Re: Emotions, eh?

So the important question is... did you return in time to get your dog safely out of the pound?

I've missed seeing you around these parts, ya smartass

Yes, I did. It cost me fifty bucks to do it. Talk about adding insult to injury!

 

[Paradox]

Don't shut up, PCG...it usually helps to talk and there seems to be lots of good listners here.

 

[MidnightAngel]

For me....it was the realization that when you look at him, there are no feelings at all.....this person could be a total stranger.

Specifically speaking.....it was when I realized that there had been more "hurt" than what the "good times" ever made up for. Knowing that a certain incident in the past was the kind of thing that no amount of time or "I'm Sorry" was ever going to heal. I guess you could say that (at least in my case) there was just no more forgiveness left.

 

[JaymesBlond007]

I sat and stared at my blinking cursor for about ten mintues, then decided I really had nothing to say. Sorry, PCG but I'd rather just stay away from this one. I've been in a few "humdinger's" and would rather not start thinking how and where it started to foul-up. I don't like to point finger's, because I realize that no one is without blame.

After being drained emotionally and physically, I'm happy if I can at least salvage a friendship from them.

 

[Calamity Jane]

I sat and stared at my blinking cursor for about ten mintues, then decided I really had nothing to say. Sorry, PCG but I'd rather just stay away from this one. I've been in a few "humdinger's" and would rather not start thinking how and where it started to foul-up. I don't like to point finger's, because I realize that no one is without blame.

After being drained emotionally and physically, I'm happy if I can at least salvage a friendship from them.

It's ok darlin, we don't always have something to say to everyone. I'm not looking for blame or finger pointing in any case.

I too try to keep the friendship alive when the relationship is over. I admire people that are able to do that. Sometimes, I'm successful, sometimes not.

 

[tn_8tiv]

PCG, this is a tough one. There's probably a different answer for every person here. For me, I had to ask myself, "will I be better off without her?" When the answer was yes, I left. Were there some questions afterward...of course. Now do I still think it was the right thing to do...absolutely.

Look deep inside and ask yourself if you have love for that person. You have to be honest with yourself and not feel like there's love when in fact it's fear of not having them around. That's tough to separate but when you can answer it truthfully, it's probably time to move on.

Good luck and best wishes.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Good luck and best wishes.

Thanks.

I have to say though, that while this question is definitely one I've asked myself a lot lately, I'm interested in other people's experiences. It's not so much a thread looking for advice, as it is a thread looking to see how other people have handled a difficult situation, what led to it, and how they moved on.

 

[JaymesBlond007]

Originally posted by pagancowgirl
It's ok darlin, we don't always have something to say to everyone. I'm not looking for blame or finger pointing in any case.

I too try to keep the friendship alive when the relationship is over. I admire people that are able to do that. Sometimes, I'm successful, sometimes not.

I know you're not looking to blame someone. It's not your style.

I think I could have worded my comment a little better...

When I begin to dissect my relationships, and start to analyse them, I unconciously begin to want something or someone to blame for the failure. I don't want to admit that some things just aren't meant to happen, because I think I'm trying to take the easy way out.

I think I'm an emotional masochist or something....

 

[Calamity Jane]

[/i]

I know you're not looking to blame someone. It's not your style.

Thanks, you flatter me. I try not to cast blame, but I occasionally do it, nonetheless

I think I could have worded my comment a little better...

When I begin to dissect my relationships, and start to analyse them, I unconciously begin to want something or someone to blame for the failure. I don't want to admit that some things just aren't ment to happen, because I think I'm trying to take the easy way out.

I dunno, I think that sometimes, it is that it just wasn't meant. It's only a cop out if you refuse to learn from the experience.

I think I'm an emotional masochist or something....

Aren't we all?

 

[April]

After he had pulled a disappearing act on me for the third time, I barraged him with questioning emails. Hey, a woman's got to know where she stands, you know. He finally replied, blaming work for him not being around. Yeah, right. Like he didn't have 5 minutes to shoot off a quick note!

Things went nowhere for a bit, then came to a head in IM's. Things were said, smartass remarks were thought of, and I got called a whore. (long story) It hurt like a motherfucker! And man, was I pissed! So an angry email was sent, and one more IM session happened. And that was it. I got no apology for the whore comment, and I haven't spoken to him since.

But I felt so relieved that it was over. I knew for a long time that it just wasn't going to work out, but I wasn't ready to let go.

So, several months later, I feel great about it, and wish that time had come sooner. His loss.

 

[geri]

when he got mad and i saw my kids scatter from him and my oldest told him she would no longer call him dad. when he begged for one more chance and i his pleading no longer touched anything within me. when i knew that my kid's mental stability counted on me getting rid of the asshole.

 

[Chuckus]

When I no longer cared anything about the person and saw them as an obstacle in my life.

When it made no difference to me what was said by either of us.

When I walked out the door.

When I got tired of putting up with bullshit and trying to be the mediator in issues that I was put in the middle of, even though I did not actively participate (willingly)

When I realized it was easier to say Goodbye then to say Hello.

When I let go and decided to better myself.

When it no longer mattered to me what that person did anymore, in any way, shape or form.

 

[nasty]

Well, I said something stupid, that, I didn't really mean. ME! Do something like that? Go figure.

 

[SaucyWench]

When I finally realized that I would rather spend time by myself than in his company, I knew it was time to move on, even if it meant being alone for awhile. When the thought of him touching me, in any way, made me cringe, I realized it was time to part ways.

Realizing it's time to move on is the easy part...actually walking out the door and finally saying goodbye is the hard part, even if it is the best for everyone involved.

Best of luck hon.

SW

 

[Jacqline]

In my experience, when I feel apathetic, not looking forward to seeing that person, looking for organizations or other things to get involved in, sense of humor gone or failing, communication is dwindling, it's a good indication that things are over.

When my marriage ended, I was scared to death but it ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me grothwise. All my life, I had been someone's daughter, someone's wife, someone's mother.................I finally learned what it was like to know who I was and what I wanted out of life. Sometimes blessings come out of difficulties..................