how can you tell if someone is a D or s?

[koalakutie]

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[Kalliope]

I don't think your radar's off, I think a lot of people just hide it more in their vanilla lives than others. Some people have jobs or family situations that would be pretty unforgiving of any kind of non-standard sexuality, some people want their private lives to stay private, and some people compartmentalize more than others, so it doesn't really occur to them to think about it while they're at work or the grocery store.

In a way, it's like trying to pick out a person who's gay or a lesbian; some shout it from the rooftops, so to speak, and some you wouldn't necessarily know unless they told you; it just depends on the individual person. The thing that makes this even more complicated, though, is that a lot of people with dominant or submissive tendencies would be pretty uncomfortable with the actual labels, or have literally never heard them before in their lives. Take my parents: in some ways my dad's very Dominant and my stepmom's submissive. If anybody gave them those labels, though, they'd both be horribly offended, since they consider their relationship dynamic to be the way God intended things to be, not a kinky power play.

I don't know; maybe we should all get secret decoder rings or something.

 

[FurryFury]

No. Sadly it's not like in the books. Generally you can't tell. Or at least I usually can't. People often think I'm at least a top. LMAO.

FF

 

[Stella_Omega]

I can never tell who is top and who is bottom. Not even when they are all dressed up in shiny latex catsuits.

Maybe especially not then. Cause at that point it's more like-- Who cares?

 

[ruby_my_dear]

Yin and Yang

I have often thought, that it would make sense that someone who has to take a very dominant role in one aspect of their life such as work or family also craves to have a submissive role in another important area such as their sexuality.
I certainly do. People who know me as the tough executive with high expectations who is willing to call out those who think they can abuse their power or weasel out of making a decision surely can't possibly imagine the types of things I'd like to submit myself to. I see it as a balance thing. I'm sure Murphy Brown would have thoroughly enjoyed a sound spanking.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I like to play this game, with people I meet randomly. It's entertaining, even if I'm wrong, which I probably am.

Some subs are demure, and it seems to fit with their personality, and some are in charge a lot and need to let go of that for a time.

You can tell Doms because of their inherent awesomeness.

 

[BiSmiley]

It comes down to reading people, which isn't easy unless you've got a particular eye for it.

Knowing what to look for is half the battle and reading it correctly is the rest, body language is key because regardless of how good a talker someone is the body doesn't lie it can't not forever at least but you can't read people off first glance, and everyone's body language is different kinda like different dialects of the same spoken language, but they all have common ground.

Your typical Dominant personality, I'm talking about the REAL one not those puffed up insecure alpha male types; a real dominant personality is very measured and thought out not a lot of wasted movement and they seem almost solid in the way they posture themselves NOT rigid like their forcing it but solid sure not fidgeting or correcting their stance or movement, but like I said their are different tells, and there are A WIDE variety of these.

A true submissive is a lot harder to spot because the are more gestures and personalities to hide it behind, and unlike the Dominant type who simple don't hide it.

but this is all personality so to find the people that CALL themselves by these titles... I wouldn't know never met one, if I do maybe I could spot others, the extent of my experience in BDSM world was a pair of cuffs

nuff said

 

[koalakutie]

thanks, guys

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[koalakutie]

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[BiSmiley]

This is what that submissive guy told me. He could tell that I was Dominant because of the way I carried myself and spoke, and also that he felt a "vibe."

I was surprised to find out that he was submissive. He was a super tall, gorgeous guy who seemed to be a ladies' man lol.

You'd be amazed, most who meet me wouldn't be able to peg me either, Dominants don't hide...or should I say cant hide its that 'near-leadership' feel you put out.

I'm no dominant, thats for sure but I enjoy a challenging authority too much to be submissive someone trained to look for it would say 'that's my way of asking to be dominated' see what I'm getting at

 

[koalakutie]

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[sereneone4u]

I like to play this game, with people I meet randomly. It's entertaining, even if I'm wrong, which I probably am.

Some subs are demure, and it seems to fit with their personality, and some are in charge a lot and need to let go of that for a time.

You can tell Doms because of their inherent awesomeness.

word!

 

[rida]

I don't think you can tell at first sight.

However, if I go by my own empirical example, chances are that if I feel attracted by someone, that person will turn out to be a D and a Sadist to boot.

As for the other side, I've heard some self assured D claim that they could spot a s in a room. But it probably is more a matter that the women they attract and feel attracted to are s.

 

[BiSmiley]

I think I know what you mean...? When it seems like someone is trying to "test" or challenge me via arguments, I pause and decide if he's worth my time and energy lol. Most times he's not worth it. Really dislike arguments.

If a guy wanted me to dominate him, he could probably just be a nice guy, and invite me to take him by being gentle and kind

arguments are only worth getting into with smart people, and if its something you can learn from, pointless stuff like 'who left the bread out'... grrrr (get enough dumb questions and arguments at work, but a lot of practice reading people)

But sometimes its fun watching some folk argue themselves into a hole.

True but some of us like myself are too afraid to ask

 

[koalakutie]

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[koalakutie]

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[BiSmiley]

For me, it's not about the sub asking me to take him. It's about being nice, being available, being communicative... As we all know, not all people match solely because of the power dynamics. Some people just aren't attracted to each other.

That's a good point, and the whole concept is kinda rooted in trusting each other isn't it?(In my understanding of it) and attraction is the kick start to the whole thing 'so to speak'

It's up to me to choose whether or not I'm into him, as much as it's his choice to submit to me. But knowing if he was a sub would be helpful lol.

that kinda phrase is what makes it obvious you're a dominant
and yeah a little heads up for a persons preferences, is very helpful

 

[koalakutie]

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[Lilac_Sky]

Very interesting conversation!

To vanilla people, I am definitely strong and dominant (at work, with friends, with family). They would have no reason/knowledge/experience to think I am anything other than a "take control in all aspects of my life" kind of person. If you are a Dom/Domme, you would probably realize that I am a sub. Mistress and I met when it was clear that I was a sub, but she says she even if we had met in a vanilla setting she would have knows I was a sub.

(and my own radar sucks ... I couldn't pick out a PYL/pyl with a roadmap)

 

[m0r1arty]

There's a general rule that people who are dominant in day-to-day life are submissive sexually, and vice versa. I'd say it's only true around half the time though.

One thing I am constantly surprised about, though, is the sheer number of doms and subs out there. I get talking to a lot of girls on the "vanilla internet" and after we've chatted for a while I learn they're interested in a bit of kink.

 

[Chiara_searches]

You can tell Doms because of their inherent awesomeness.

Pretty self assured, are we? Subs are awesome, too, doncha know.

You'd be amazed, most who meet me wouldn't be able to peg me either, Dominants don't hide...or should I say cant hide its that 'near-leadership' feel you put out.

I have to disagree, with my typical caveat that my experiences are pretty limited. One college lover I had would fit into the "near-leadership" category. But now, I don't think every dominant puts out that vibe. For example, when I first started dating my boyfriend, I said somewhere on the boards here that I didn't think he was a "natural dominant." I made that statement because he wasn't putting out the near-leadership vibe.

Following advice and instinct, I did, however, discuss in broad terms my interest in PYL/pyl dynamics. He didn't shy away. We've subsequently had general discussions on certain interests; but we've never sat down and done a complete check list because it's too early for me to feel comfortable with that idea. Still...

I purposefully don't detail here exactly what we do because I feel that's disrespectful to that intimate connection with him. So in broad terms, I'll say that every week (or sometimes more frequently), he introduces a tweak into our sexual activities that is definitely a dominant tactic. And the last few tweaks he's introduced actually seem to turn him on much stronger than what we did before.

With him, it's almost like peeling an onion. He gets through one layer and then on to the next. I'm starting to wonder if he just hasn't explored this side of his sexuality and that it's been buried for him, too, much like my submissive nature was buried. Thus, you can't assume someone is not a dominant just because they don't project a certain attitude; they may have hidden that part of themselves for a variety of reasons. In his case, I think it's the strong, repeated message of respecting and not hurting women that he's received throughout his life. He just needs to learn that respecting my submissive nature and inflicting certain kinds of pain are all an act of love.

Very interesting conversation!

To vanilla people, I am definitely strong and dominant (at work, with friends, with family). They would have no reason/knowledge/experience to think I am anything other than a "take control in all aspects of my life" kind of person. If you are a Dom/Domme, you would probably realize that I am a sub. Mistress and I met when it was clear that I was a sub, but she says she even if we had met in a vanilla setting she would have knows I was a sub.

(and my own radar sucks ... I couldn't pick out a PYL/pyl with a roadmap)

I also get that "take control in all aspects of my life." That expectation is a part of what lead to a bad marriage: trying to live up to that expectation because even I expected it of myself. It's just kind of scary, and awesome, and terrifying, and wondrous to find someone who respects your desire to not take control everywhere...and we've only scratched the surface. Even if the boyfriend isn't my "forever guy", he still has taught me enough that I think I'm on the right path this time...sexually, anyways.

 

[Felix_Jones]

I went to this Everything To Do With Sex show in Toronto a few years back. Basically a trade convention for porn, sex toys, and the like. They had it in the Skydome so it was HUGE. I was really surprised by how many people were there, and how many of them were trying to convince me and my then girlfriend to join sex clubs. Anyway, that's beside the point.
What I do remember is one of these dominant slash submissive couples. There was this woman, and holy shit what a woman, leading around this super old (probably 70+) guy on a leash. My god these two looked like mifits, she must've been four hundred pounds, and he looked like somebody's creepy uncle. From that day on that's how I could tell if a woman is dominant: she looks like a frequent diner at Krispy Kreme. And a submissive man is well past retirement age, and looks like the guy who got his head slapped a lot on Benny Hill.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I went to this Everything To Do With Sex show in Toronto a few years back. Basically a trade convention for porn, sex toys, and the like. They had it in the Skydome so it was HUGE. I was really surprised by how many people were there, and how many of them were trying to convince me and my then girlfriend to join sex clubs. Anyway, that's beside the point.
What I do remember is one of these dominant slash submissive couples. There was this woman, and holy shit what a woman, leading around this super old (probably 70+) guy on a leash. My god these two looked like mifits, she must've been four hundred pounds, and he looked like somebody's creepy uncle. From that day on that's how I could tell if a woman is dominant: she looks like a frequent diner at Krispy Kreme. And a submissive man is well past retirement age, and looks like the guy who got his head slapped a lot on Benny Hill.

That's a thing that is absolutely fantastic about BDSM: the practitioners don't have to give a fuck about what some outsider thinks they look like.

it's all about what's going on inside, and a plain woman, or a fattie, or a woman in her eighties, can be well-known and admired for her skill, which she created for herself, instead of her beauty which is in the eyes of beholders and has nothing to do with her.

Love that.

 

[HottieMama]

And a submissive man is well past retirement age, and looks like the guy who got his head slapped a lot on Benny Hill.

I know a lot of gay male submissives that turn that assumption on its' ear.

I can typically pick out a gay/lesbian top or bottom pretty easily (and no, not because they are flagging..). My radar is broken for people that present themselves as straight though. I think it's because when I was first officially entering/learning about this lifestyle it was in the GLBT community and primarily with gay men. I was around them so much, I can now pick up the subtle signs that always seem to be present...

 

[Felix_Jones]

That's a thing that is absolutely fantastic about BDSM: the practitioners don't have to give a fuck about what some outsider thinks they look like.

it's all about what's going on inside, and a plain woman, or a fattie, or a woman in her eighties, can be well-known and admired for her skill, which she created for herself, instead of her beauty which is in the eyes of beholders and has nothing to do with her.

Love that.

Women in their 80's? Holy shit! The whole lot of them and the aformentioned conventioneer really emphasize the evils that Viagara has wrought on our society.