How can I be a sexual dominant to my wife who has dominant personality?

[jimliterotica]

I am more kinkier than my wife. My wife wants me to be more dominant in our bedroom. I'm not a dominant type. In reality, I'm a nice guy and have a lot respect for women. I never see my myself dominant to the woman. My wife is more dominant in our relationship. She keep telling me that I can't be a good guy all the time. I see why she wanted me to initiate and dominant in our sexual adventures.

She love it when I tell her that she is mine. Her boobs belongs to me.

 

[BeautifulWriter]

.............

 

[Stella_Omega]

read the essay linkd in my signature, -- it's not a 'how to' but it might give you some ideas

 

[jimliterotica]

Thank you. Your post has been helpful

This is just my opinion, of course, and by no means is it the only way. Hope it helps a bit!

Dominant doesn't necessarily mean you're the bad guy. Being submissive doesn't necessarily mean you're the good guy, either. If your wife is more dominant, she needs to work on backing down a bit and allowing you to cultivate your dominance.

I personally enjoy a dominant man. I enjoy it when my lover takes the lead in our sexual escapades. I love the thrill of lying over his lap and having my bottom thoroughly and soundly spanked and then being made to take his cock and make love to it slavishly with, perhaps, my hands tied behind my back and my breasts available for his pleasure just as my mouth is!

Fellatio is a nice way to cultivate a dominance/submissive relationship.

 

[BeautifulWriter]

,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

[Adakgirl]

If you have never seen yourself as being dominant over women, and have never even felt a natural, male inclination of dominance, then I think it would be a mistake for you to try to dominate your wife sexually, just because she wants you to.
I believe you are born with it or your not. In my opinion your wife will never be satisfied with you sexually the way you are right now. Because she's asking you to transform your personality, she's asking you to change your beliefs, in order to turn her on sexually.
Even if you could do this temporarily, it would not feel real to her. I'm not saying fantasy role playing isn't fun and satisfactory...however... the way I'm reading you I don't think you could pull it off realistically enough for her.

Work on the ownership of her body thing, not just her boobs, her whole body Try initiating sex sometimes without her making the first move or giving you permission. Follow thru and do that in unusually places. Start there and see how it rolls.

 

[Cumference]

I agree that it probably not the "bad guy" she wants. She just wants you to take the lead.

A good boss or a good commander should not be an asshole either. But he has a plan, follows it, make the plan and purpose clear for others... and is ready to adapt to changing circumstances.

Try to make a plan for the next bonk, tell her in clear terms what you are going to do, and what you expect of her. Then stick to the plan.

When I have made my plans, I sometimes put ankle and wrist leather restraints on Lady C. I may not use them, but they are a clear indication of, who is calling the shots.
And should she try something that I consider outside what is permissible within the plan, she will be restrained.


It is about having fun and some good sex!

 

[Oubliette123]

I think maybe your idea of being dominant to women is a little different than the idea your wife has? You mention that you have respect for women, that implies that you feel that being dominant to a woman would be disrespectful?

If anything I think the BDSM lifestyle breeds more respect. My husband and I have a mostly bedroom only BDSM lifestyle, although it does spill out into everyday life through daily tasks. Of course there are many variations but I'm guessing your wife is talking about bedroom only? I know he feels great respect for me when on an average day I can come home from Uni, cook dinner, see to him and the kids, do domestic chores and still manage to deep throat him with my hands tied behind my back

Being dominant to her isn't solely about telling her what to do (that's a bad trap to fall into), it's about a whole myriad of situations coming together. It can range from simply taking the lead in the bedroom and guiding her so she doesn't have the responsibility of thinking at that time, to a full on session where you have organised it from start to finish. It could be your will to have her take a delicious bubble bath to have her tied up and performing oral sex on you. There doesn't have to be pain involved and you don't have to be rough. It's about communication and fulfilling her needs as well as your own.

Sometimes the smallest things my husband does can drive me crazy sexually, even down to just a glance that says a thousand words over dinner right up to him taking me upstairs, tying me down and using me for his pleasure only. The key starting point for me, is that whatever he wants me to do it involves me making him happy and pleasuring him in the way he wants, that gives me the sexual kicks. I am a masochist and he is a sadist, so there is pleasure in that exchange for both of us.

Talk to her, find out what she desires, it might be way off what you imagine. But mostly have fun together

 

[simplegirl]

communication is key. Look at the BDSM library and read up on D/s. There's so many areas it can encompass. Print off one of the checklists and go over it together. It would give you a better idea of her expectations and your own. Maybe her idea is bondage, such as being restrained during sex. Maybe it's light spankings, or you exerting control. Maybe it's dressing up to go out for supper, but making her go without panties or braless? Or role playing. Maybe you're the rich playboy and she's your naughty maid.

You can be dominant and cherish your wife in the process, it's not mutually exclusive and doesn't automatically mean she wants you to dole out pain or talk down to her. Her having a dominant personality may be part of the reason she wants to be dominated. Many "take charge" kind of people have to make so many decisions in their jobs or day to day lives, they need to release of submitting in the bedroom.

In other words, it boils down to what you two want and agree to and makes you both tick.

Whatever you choose to do, do it safely. Always have a safeword and if you do practice bondage, be careful of circulation and never leave a bound person alone. There's a wealth of information available here, don't be afraid to avail yourself of it.

 

[Primalex]

Trying to be dominant when you are not is like trying to be gay when you are not.

 

[DVS]

Primalex is right. If you don't feel the dominant part, playing it isn't going to work. You can do it sometimes, but after a while, it's going to get old for you and pretty mundane for your wife. Someone who really feels the role will be able to think up new things on their own. Without that inner dominant urge, you'll have a difficult time coming up with anything new, because your heart won't be in it.

Men are brought up to be nice to women. It's engrained into our minds almost from birth. DON'T HIT A WOMAN! It's almost a sin! This is still true, but we can add a little bit of spice. Some women, actually many women enjoy a strong and confident man to take charge. And some women like men to take that next step...taking control, and basically using them as a sex object.

Actually, BDSM is more than just that, but that's a start. Many women like it when a man sees them as a sexual being...and they also like when a man knows what he wants from her and takes it. Some also enjoy a little added pain along the way, or maybe some strict bondage with some rough sex added in. This is all negotiable between two people. Everybody has their preferences and their limits.

Your wife might enjoy some of this, or at least a version of it. You'll have to ask her what she likes. Once you know what she likes, you can use your own creative mind to give her what she wants in your own way.

OK, you say you aren't dominant. I understand that. And like I've already said, men are taught to be nice to women. Keep this in mind...there are many ways to be nice.

And there is hope! You could be a closet dominant and not really know it. It sometimes takes something to trigger your dominant personality to come out. And your wife could be dominant in her daily life, and then prefer the submissive role in her sexual life. This is very common and she might be trying to express that to you, when she says you should be more dominant.

So, get together and talk this out. Have her tell you what she would like to see happen. Maybe have her point out M/f stories that she finds interesting. See if you could see yourself in the dominant role in these stories. If you can't, don't worry. Still give it a try. Like I said, it sometimes takes something to trigger your inner dominant. Maybe seeing her bound and helpless, whimpering at your simplest touch could do it. Or, maybe being in control of her, when she is normally the dominant one in your relationship might do it. You just have to give these things a try, to see what happens.

Don't fret if you don't change into a mean dominant all at once. Give it a fair amount of time. If it works, you will know it. If it doesn't, at least you gave it a try. The main thing is to talk about it with your wife. Try to find a common ground that works for both of you. You might start to enjoy bossing your wife around.

 

[BlondieSinner29]

I am more kinkier than my wife. My wife wants me to be more dominant in our bedroom. I'm not a dominant type. In reality, I'm a nice guy and have a lot respect for women. I never see my myself dominant to the woman. My wife is more dominant in our relationship. She keep telling me that I can't be a good guy all the time. I see why she wanted me to initiate and dominant in our sexual adventures.

She love it when I tell her that she is mine. Her boobs belongs to me.

I think you need to work on your relationship with her a little bit more, to me it doesn't make much sense if she likes a dominant man, and expects you to be dominant? Isn't that kindof contradicting? If she's supposed to be a dominant woman.

It means she's not consistant, therefor, she's not actually dominant in the bedroom. Most dominant women, usually appear to be more submissive and lady like in public, believe it or not. There not all whips and chains, some of them like me you wouldn't expect, love to dominant men, and only men. If she wants a dominant, tell her to go find one, to experiment with you two, or something.

That might help her out you think? I know it would me, two men, yummy...

 

[StrayKat]

If she wants a dominant, tell her to go find one, to experiment with you two, or something.

Because if you already have disagreement in your marriage the best way to solve it is to add even more problems.
/headdesk

 

[eric60red]

Trying to be dominant when you are not is like trying to be gay when you are not.

Here here

 

[DVS]

I think you need to work on your relationship with her a little bit more, to me it doesn't make much sense if she likes a dominant man, and expects you to be dominant? Isn't that kindof contradicting? If she's supposed to be a dominant woman.

It means she's not consistant, therefor, she's not actually dominant in the bedroom. Most dominant women, usually appear to be more submissive and lady like in public, believe it or not. There not all whips and chains, some of them like me you wouldn't expect, love to dominant men, and only men. If she wants a dominant, tell her to go find one, to experiment with you two, or something.

That might help her out you think? I know it would me, two men, yummy...

The OP can clarify this for us, but I think you have misunderstood his post. I think he's saying that his wife has a naturally dominant personality in her day to day life and she wants him to be more dominant in their sexual life. She wants to be submissive and let him be in control of their sexual play. He says he's more of a lover type and has trouble being dominant. I think he assumes that means being disrespectful to his wife. That's where he's confused.

And that's why they need to communicate their desires so everything is out on the table and understood. She needs to explain herself better than to just say he needs to be more dominant and he needs to understand that being more dominant isn't disrespecting her. Once he understands this, he might be able to move forward and give her what she wants.

Of course, that's not for sure. You can't fake it, just because your partner wants you to. That's one of the main issues we see in this forum. One partner has found their inner desires for some kind of BDSM activity and the other partner either thinks the whole thing is sick and perverted, or they just don't share the same sexual desires.

 

[MakingMindsDirty]

I personally enjoy a dominant man. I enjoy it when my lover takes the lead in our sexual escapades. I love the thrill of lying over his lap and having my bottom thoroughly and soundly spanked and then being made to take his cock and make love to it slavishly with, perhaps, my hands tied behind my back and my breasts available for his pleasure just as my mouth is!

Fellatio is a nice way to cultivate a dominance/submissive relationship.

It's amazing how much I could have gauged about the sexual submissive tendencies of every girl I have been with from that first blow job.

 

[eric60red]

I am retired now, but when I worked, in the office I was in charge and was very dominant, but at home my wife was dominant, and she used to tell me what to do. Now I tell her to do as she is told.

 

[jimliterotica]

I texted her earlier this week and said "this Saturday night, you are mine and your lovely body belongs to me". Tonight I own her body. I believe you are right. It not dominant as thought, I think she was telling me that her body belongs to me. We have a date tonight in our bedroom.

If you have never seen yourself as being dominant over women, and have never even felt a natural, male inclination of dominance, then I think it would be a mistake for you to try to dominate your wife sexually, just because she wants you to.
I believe you are born with it or your not. In my opinion your wife will never be satisfied with you sexually the way you are right now. Because she's asking you to transform your personality, she's asking you to change your beliefs, in order to turn her on sexually.
Even if you could do this temporarily, it would not feel real to her. I'm not saying fantasy role playing isn't fun and satisfactory...however... the way I'm reading you I don't think you could pull it off realistically enough for her.

Work on the ownership of her body thing, not just her boobs, her whole body Try initiating sex sometimes without her making the first move or giving you permission. Follow thru and do that in unusually places. Start there and see how it rolls.

 

[jimliterotica]

I've told her my plans on what I will do for tonight. Looks likes that is what she's looking for from me.

I agree that it probably not the "bad guy" she wants. She just wants you to take the lead.

A good boss or a good commander should not be an asshole either. But he has a plan, follows it, make the plan and purpose clear for others... and is ready to adapt to changing circumstances.

Try to make a plan for the next bonk, tell her in clear terms what you are going to do, and what you expect of her. Then stick to the plan.

When I have made my plans, I sometimes put ankle and wrist leather restraints on Lady C. I may not use them, but they are a clear indication of, who is calling the shots.
And should she try something that I consider outside what is permissible within the plan, she will be restrained.


It is about having fun and some good sex!

 

[jimliterotica]

Now, I believe that's sound like us. Thank you.

I think maybe your idea of being dominant to women is a little different than the idea your wife has? You mention that you have respect for women, that implies that you feel that being dominant to a woman would be disrespectful?

If anything I think the BDSM lifestyle breeds more respect. My husband and I have a mostly bedroom only BDSM lifestyle, although it does spill out into everyday life through daily tasks. Of course there are many variations but I'm guessing your wife is talking about bedroom only? I know he feels great respect for me when on an average day I can come home from Uni, cook dinner, see to him and the kids, do domestic chores and still manage to deep throat him with my hands tied behind my back

Being dominant to her isn't solely about telling her what to do (that's a bad trap to fall into), it's about a whole myriad of situations coming together. It can range from simply taking the lead in the bedroom and guiding her so she doesn't have the responsibility of thinking at that time, to a full on session where you have organised it from start to finish. It could be your will to have her take a delicious bubble bath to have her tied up and performing oral sex on you. There doesn't have to be pain involved and you don't have to be rough. It's about communication and fulfilling her needs as well as your own.

Sometimes the smallest things my husband does can drive me crazy sexually, even down to just a glance that says a thousand words over dinner right up to him taking me upstairs, tying me down and using me for his pleasure only. The key starting point for me, is that whatever he wants me to do it involves me making him happy and pleasuring him in the way he wants, that gives me the sexual kicks. I am a masochist and he is a sadist, so there is pleasure in that exchange for both of us.

Talk to her, find out what she desires, it might be way off what you imagine. But mostly have fun together

 

[jimliterotica]

You are right. She wants me to make her feel sexy and willing to let me take ownership of her body. So it's not really dominant but rather ownership

I think you need to work on your relationship with her a little bit more, to me it doesn't make much sense if she likes a dominant man, and expects you to be dominant? Isn't that kindof contradicting? If she's supposed to be a dominant woman.

It means she's not consistant, therefor, she's not actually dominant in the bedroom. Most dominant women, usually appear to be more submissive and lady like in public, believe it or not. There not all whips and chains, some of them like me you wouldn't expect, love to dominant men, and only men. If she wants a dominant, tell her to go find one, to experiment with you two, or something.

That might help her out you think? I know it would me, two men, yummy...

 

[jimliterotica]

Yes. I'm too nice to be a dominant. Yes, you are saying what others are saying, take her body, please her and take control of evening. I'll be doing that tonight.

Primalex is right. If you don't feel the dominant part, playing it isn't going to work. You can do it sometimes, but after a while, it's going to get old for you and pretty mundane for your wife. Someone who really feels the role will be able to think up new things on their own. Without that inner dominant urge, you'll have a difficult time coming up with anything new, because your heart won't be in it.

Men are brought up to be nice to women. It's engrained into our minds almost from birth. DON'T HIT A WOMAN! It's almost a sin! This is still true, but we can add a little bit of spice. Some women, actually many women enjoy a strong and confident man to take charge. And some women like men to take that next step...taking control, and basically using them as a sex object.

Actually, BDSM is more than just that, but that's a start. Many women like it when a man sees them as a sexual being...and they also like when a man knows what he wants from her and takes it. Some also enjoy a little added pain along the way, or maybe some strict bondage with some rough sex added in. This is all negotiable between two people. Everybody has their preferences and their limits.

Your wife might enjoy some of this, or at least a version of it. You'll have to ask her what she likes. Once you know what she likes, you can use your own creative mind to give her what she wants in your own way.

OK, you say you aren't dominant. I understand that. And like I've already said, men are taught to be nice to women. Keep this in mind...there are many ways to be nice.

And there is hope! You could be a closet dominant and not really know it. It sometimes takes something to trigger your dominant personality to come out. And your wife could be dominant in her daily life, and then prefer the submissive role in her sexual life. This is very common and she might be trying to express that to you, when she says you should be more dominant.

So, get together and talk this out. Have her tell you what she would like to see happen. Maybe have her point out M/f stories that she finds interesting. See if you could see yourself in the dominant role in these stories. If you can't, don't worry. Still give it a try. Like I said, it sometimes takes something to trigger your inner dominant. Maybe seeing her bound and helpless, whimpering at your simplest touch could do it. Or, maybe being in control of her, when she is normally the dominant one in your relationship might do it. You just have to give these things a try, to see what happens.

Don't fret if you don't change into a mean dominant all at once. Give it a fair amount of time. If it works, you will know it. If it doesn't, at least you gave it a try. The main thing is to talk about it with your wife. Try to find a common ground that works for both of you. You might start to enjoy bossing your wife around.

 

[jimliterotica]

Here here

That makes sense. LOL.

 

[jimliterotica]

Trying to be dominant when you are not is like trying to be gay when you are not.

That makes sense. I agree.

 

[jimliterotica]

That summary is correct.

The OP can clarify this for us, but I think you have misunderstood his post. I think he's saying that his wife has a naturally dominant personality in her day to day life and she wants him to be more dominant in their sexual life. She wants to be submissive and let him be in control of their sexual play. He says he's more of a lover type and has trouble being dominant. I think he assumes that means being disrespectful to his wife. That's where he's confused.

And that's why they need to communicate their desires so everything is out on the table and understood. She needs to explain herself better than to just say he needs to be more dominant and he needs to understand that being more dominant isn't disrespecting her. Once he understands this, he might be able to move forward and give her what she wants.

Of course, that's not for sure. You can't fake it, just because your partner wants you to. That's one of the main issues we see in this forum. One partner has found their inner desires for some kind of BDSM activity and the other partner either thinks the whole thing is sick and perverted, or they just don't share the same sexual desires.