Honest opinion

[blozo]

I suffered from sex addiction most of my life, until erectile dysfunction solved the problem. I was considered a handsome younger man, and I'm gifted with an unusually large penis. I've cheated on my wife of forty years almost one hundred times, a fact of which I am NOT proud. She knows it, and she forgives me, but I wish it could have been otherwise.
I had a really hot threesome once, but haven't been lucky enough to repeat it.
As for the other things, no.
I looked like a teenager into my thirties, and while I was in the Navy, I was aggressively pursued by homosexual men. On two occasions I had to use my fists to keep myself from being raped. I've only recently truly overcome my bitterness toward gay men, and I'm now proud to count several gay and trans people as my friends, but sex with them? I'm not there yet, and probably never will be.

 

[Bramblethorn]

It's amazing how, as writers, authors here have such difficulty conveying an image in their heads with the written word. What I see as a loving relationship is obviously different from yours.

If you think joint finances, cohabitation, and meeting the family are the defining components of "love", then... yes. Yes, we do.

I guess it would be MUCH easier if we all spoke the same language with the same word definitions. But as I've been chastised before: word definitions morph over time.

Words do change, and that often does cause confusion, but I'm not sure this is one of those situations.

"Polyamory" entered the English language around 1990, in an article by the enthusiastically-named Morning Glory Zell Ravenheart. (More precisely, she used it in an adjectival form, "poly-amorous".) I think there may be some earlier isolated appearances elsewhere but if so, those didn't take off; the modern usage seems to trace back to MGZR.

When the OED asked her for a definition a few years later, she defined it as "the practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved." I wouldn't say that modern usage exactly matches that - in particular, in the last 30 years there's been a growing awareness that not all romantic love is coupled to sexual desire, and I think a lot of modern-day poly folk would happily acknowledge asexual people in multiple relationships as "polyamorous".

But I've been hanging around poly folk since the early 1990s, poly myself since the mid-1990s, and I've never heard it suggested that cohabitation was a necessary criterion. In particular, MGZR herself lived in a group marriage split between two houses, so it seems like a safe bet it wasn't what she intended the term to imply.

But to each his own definitions. (That's what makes communication here so difficult.)

When talking about a specific group, like say polyamorous people, that difficulty can often be avoided by taking the time to learn what that group usually means by the word. If necessary, by asking them - before making strong statements about it.

 

[AlexBailey]

When I was nineteen I was a unicorn for a couple in their thirties. They’d been talking about it for years before they targeted me, first hiring me for jobs around the house while the husband was out. The wife would end up watching me work and bringing out refreshments while in her bikini.



I was uncomfortable but titillated by the way she would flirt with me, but the funny thing is that her flirting would increase when the husband got home. This went on for a couple of weeks as they would invite me over for dinner or to watch a movie of something.

He would come home, say hello and they would greet each other with passionate kisses right in front of me and say thing like, “we aren’t making you uncomfortable are we?”

“Umm… kind of.”

“Oh? Come here then…”

That was it. She started kissing me and the next thing I knew they were both kissing and touching me.

 

[MrPixel]

It's probably as likely as upside down pineapples in your shopping cart. According to the internet if you walk around a grocery store with an upside down pineapple, you are a swinger signaling other swingers.

Upside-down pineapples are a real thing. An acquaintance who just so happens to run a swingers' club swears by it. He's also a BDSM dom with a regular following.

There are so many fantasy, suggestions, about incest, rape, bi-sex that comes in threesome, foursome, bdsm and gang bang. Yet in real life situation, how many could cheat on their partner and how many couples are willing to share their spouse in these activities?

Where do I start? Let's go down your list.

I am close to three victims - and I say victims - of incest by their fathers. All are now around 60 years old, were and are screwed-up adults as a direct result. One had a child by her father given up at birth; another is the only one ever married... twice, both times to men 20 years her senior, the second only after years of therapy. All very sad. Let's just say I have trouble with all the fascination with I/T on LitE - the reality sucks.

Rape? My wife was raped before I knew her, by an auto mechanic "evaluating" repairs. He had a gun. A couple of near-misses since, intercepted by me.

Bi? Not us. We have fun but have always kept it straight even though it has been offered.

Threesomes? Yes. A few, some recently, all MFM. Foursomes? Yes, tho' three decades ago. Orgy, yes, in the same timeframe. Prior to our 35-year marriage, she and her 1st husband were libertine swingers (~1970), and she had lots of casual affairs. BDSM? With her 1st, and only light bondage. Sharing? Currently, when the opportunity is there, which honestly is rare these days. Old age does that.

Gang bangs? ...sigh... My first wife was into that, drug-fueled. I just didn't know about it until after we parted company.

I had one affair early in my current marriage; it was not my best moment, and that was mostly because I felt compelled to hide it. Wife was still seeing ex-boyfriends, with my blessing. I took the Polaroids, which still make us laugh.

So yeah? I write erotica from a certain amount of real-life experience. There are several others on LitE who do, as well. Bottom line to your query is, yes, this happens in real life, and I respectfully suggest that all the tongue-clucking by especially the self-righteous popular press to make people believe otherwise is astoundingly hypocritical.

 

[Pleasuretiger]

I read through most of the comments and point of view. The conclusion is Free sex supporter are very much higher than no and stay faithful. Probably i may get different result if I post on a different platform. The conclusion also tell us that even those who don't cheat had these in their mind too probably not willing to pay the price of cheating.
Yes, I did mention, rape and incest and in real life, most of you are not interested BUT I saw it pretty often in role play. why is that so? Why something that you don't like makes you lust?

 

[Kumquatqueen]

I've been in polyamorous relationships for 30+ years now. My second-longest relationship for 25 years. At some point people might stop calling it a phase...

I've never lived full-time with the second one, because when buying a house with him and family might have been an option, what we'd need would be an 8 or 9-bedroom home right in the middle of central London. The very few such ones that exist would be about £10 million in today's money. So I'd go to his a couple nights a week when his kids were young, then vice versa.

Polyamory once you have kids really is pretty boring, though on the plus side you can usually get one adult staying home with them while two parents attend parent-teacher night. You might plan to spend time with X two nights a week and Y two nights a week, but it ends up as watching telly and a brief snuggle before falling asleep. The main difference to monosexuals is how much you all shout at the telly asking why the characters don't bloody talk to each other!

 

[Seadog777]

Cheating is incredibly commonplace.
NO, "polygamy" would not fucking fix it either
There's an easy solution to this bullshit.
If you can't stay faithful, don't get fucking married.
My story isn't a state secret. LOL.

 

[djrip]

Cheating is incredibly commonplace.
NO, "polygamy" would not fucking fix it either
There's an easy solution to this bullshit.
If you can't stay faithful, don't get fucking married.
My story isn't a state secret. LOL.

Well polygamy is illegal. But polyamory is something that works for some people. And swinging is something that works for some. And monogamy works for others. And then there is unethical cheating.

 

[Seadog777]

Well polygamy is illegal. But polyamory is something that works for some people. And swinging is something that works for some. And monogamy works for others. And then there is unethical cheating.

It's only "illegal" if you try to get married. That goes for both MFF and MMF.
In all my travels (5 continents), I've never seen swinging or anything similar work, in a long term situation.
Feelings always, always get hurt.
I've seen marriages work were they've had MMF or MFF as a one-time experience.
Just to say they experienced it.

 

[djrip]

It's only "illegal" if you try to get married. That goes for both MFF and MMF.
In all my travels (5 continents), I've never seen swinging or anything similar work, in a long term situation.
Feelings always, always get hurt.
I've seen marriages work were they've had MMF or MFF as a one-time experience.
Just to say they experienced it.

Right. Marriage is what makes it "polygamy". I am boring and don't have an example of successful long term polyamory (or unsuccessful for that matter), but several people in this thread have said they do.

 

[Seadog777]

Right. Marriage is what makes it "polygamy". I am boring and don't have an example of successful long term polyamory (or unsuccessful for that matter), but several people in this thread have said they do.

They said so.....on a fantasy site.....it must be true.

I'm sure there are some out there.
Didn't say there wasn't.
Just said I've never seen it.

i hope you have a wonderful Wednesday.

 

[Bramblethorn]

It's only "illegal" if you try to get married. That goes for both MFF and MMF.
In all my travels (5 continents), I've never seen swinging or anything similar work, in a long term situation.

"Seen" is the key word here. Most of the people I know who are in stable poly arrangements aren't broadcasting that to the world.

Who you are also affects what you get to see. Your profile gives the impression that you're a conservative, religious type. If you give that same impression IRL, people who are in unconventional relationships may expect - rightly or wrongly - that talking to you about those relationships would be a bad idea.

Feelings always, always get hurt.
I've seen marriages work were they've had MMF or MFF as a one-time experience.
Just to say they experienced it.

I'm kind of curious how this reconciles with the "my wife has given me permission for a FWB" in your profile though.

 

[Seadog777]

"Seen" is the key word here. Most of the people I know who are in stable poly arrangements aren't broadcasting that to the world.

Who you are also affects what you get to see. Your profile gives the impression that you're a conservative, religious type. If you give that same impression IRL, people who are in unconventional relationships may expect - rightly or wrongly - that talking to you about those relationships would be a bad idea.



I'm kind of curious how this reconciles with the "my wife has given me permission for a FWB" in your profile though.

First of all, religious type doesn't mean I follow everything bible says like a Fundamentalist.

My political standing has absolutely fucking nothing to do with a god damn thing, other than trying to start shit.

Second, my wife has given me permission to find a FWB because of her medical conditions, doesn't mean I'm tearing up the internet looking for one.

Yes, I haven't' seen it and AS I SAID, that doesn't mean there weren't people that figured it out.

I hope you have a wonderful Wednesday.

 

[djrip]

This reminds me that I read and enjoyed your "Mother-in-Law Fill In" recently. Quirky little coincidence, reading that and now this is being discussed. Some of your others look fun, too.

 

[Seadog777]

This reminds me that I read and enjoyed your "Mother-in-Law Fill In" recently. Quirky little coincidence, reading that and now this is being discussed. Some of your others look fun, too.

Thank you for the compliment.
I appreciate it.

 

[Lifestyle66]

Cheating is incredibly commonplace.
NO, "polygamy" would not fucking fix it either
There's an easy solution to this bullshit.
If you can't stay faithful, don't get fucking married.
My story isn't a state secret. LOL.

Cheating has been commonplace for forever.

But I disagree with you in some regards. You can meet someone you feel like spending the rest of your life with and planning your old age together. IMO, most people probably enter into marriage with the best intentions.

But some people change. And it's those changes in one of them which slowly grows intolerable to the other. That might take years or even decades. Looking for temporary respite with someone else is one method the aggrieved may choose, instead of direct confrontations with their spouse they know will end poorly.

I do agree that polygamy isn't a solution. That's like claiming you want to spend the rest of your life with several people, just in case any one of them doesn't work out. It seems to be a case of indecision.

As for swingers, that's entirely possible and practical in a couple who truly trust each other. Sex and love are two different things. And as long as both are into that lifestyle WILLINGLY and EQUALLY, it can work as long as they both follow their couple agreed upon rules. My stories build just such a swinger couple and show some of the pitfalls when one goes off against the rules.

 

[Comshaw]

It's only "illegal" if you try to get married. That goes for both MFF and MMF.
In all my travels (5 continents), I've never seen swinging or anything similar work, in a long term situation.
Feelings always, always get hurt.
I've seen marriages work were they've had MMF or MFF as a one-time experience.
Just to say they experienced it.

"In all my travels (5 continents), I've never seen swinging or anything similar work, in a long-term situation."

Then you haven't looked in the right place. As my prior post said, my wife and I were in a swinging poly relationship for 15 years, twice as long as the average marriage in the U.S. Was it difficult? Absofuckinglutely it was. It took work. Lots of hard work to make sure everyone was on the same page. But we did it for a long time. Yes, it did break up, but only after surviving twice as long as most.

We also have friends that have been swingers for 25-30 years and are still happily married. Granted it isn't a majority of the population who engages in such activities. But consider: according to surveys 4% of the U.S. adult married population engage in a polyamorous lifestyle. That's 2.8 million couples or 5.6 million individuals. Does it cause divorce more than a monogamous lifestyle does? The preponderance of studies says no, that swinging couples get divorced less than monogamous ones, for a variety of reasons. There are a few studies that say the opposite, but as I stated the preponderance of studies bears out what I said.

As far as staying married, the wife and I have been swingers for 25 years or so and have been married for 52. And we aren't an outlier when it comes to the swinging couples I know. Many are long-term married forks.

"Feelings always, always get hurt."

And that is different from a typical monogamous relationship, how? Humans are human and things will go sideways. People are going to whine and get their feelings hurt whether it's with a single partner or three. The key to it is being an adult and working out the problems. There are way too many who toss in the towel rather than work on and work out the problems. The divorce rate in this country bears that out.

Below are a few links you might want to peruse. And anecdotal evidence like that you presented doesn't carry much weight, because it's like the three blind men and the elephant.

https://www.yourtango.com/experts/m...s-have-lower-divorce-rates-monogamous-couples


https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...elationships-are-more-popular-you-might-think


Comshaw

 

[djrip]

I do agree that polygamy isn't a solution. That's like claiming you want to spend the rest of your life with several people, just in case any one of them doesn't work out. It seems to be a case of indecision.

I think it's a little weird we have people in this thread talk about their 30 year poly relationships and yet some are saying it's not a solution or somehow not a valid choice for those who choose it.

 

[Lifestyle66]

I think it's a little weird we have people in this thread talk about their 30 year poly relationships and yet some are saying it's not a solution or somehow not a valid choice for those who choose it.

There are several women I like. And we have very close relationships.

But personally (aka IMO), I have ONE woman I'm married to, and we plan the rest of our lives (and Wills and death) together. The others are in their own married relationships with the ones they plan their lives together.

Some people may be in a stable, long-term job and settled into their local community for a very long time, becoming very close to multiple people. But how many of their very close companions would move away with them if they were given a unique opportunity.

My wife had a chance at a new job which would require her to move 2,000 miles away. And I was willing to move with her, dropping my (very high paying) job. I told her "I can always find another job."

How many polyamorous groups would do that for one member of the group? Those seem to be more "friends with benefits" closed, insular groups. Any one of them could leave at any time. So, (at least to me), it seems more like very long-term dating without a permanent commitment.

For some people, the group polyamorous relationships may be what they are looking for. But as one who is not in such a polyamorous relationship, I can only relate my own preferences and experiences. I like what I have and would find other options lacking.

 

[Bramblethorn]

First of all, religious type doesn't mean I follow everything bible says like a Fundamentalist.

My political standing has absolutely fucking nothing to do with a god damn thing, other than trying to start shit.

You'll notice I said "people may expect - rightly or wrongly". I'm not making an argument on whether they'd be right or wrong, just saying how it is.

I hope you have a wonderful Wednesday.

It's Thursday here, but thanks, and wishing you the same!

 

[Kumquatqueen]

My wife had a chance at a new job which would require her to move 2,000 miles away. And I was willing to move with her, dropping my (very high paying) job. I told her "I can always find another job."

How many polyamorous groups would do that for one member of the group? Those seem to be more "friends with benefits" closed, insular groups. Any one of them could leave at any time. So, (at least to me), it seems more like very long-term dating without a permanent commitment.

By that logic, my parents and also my great-grandparents weren't committed to each other because they lived in different countries from each other for years! Like many of their generation, g-grandpa went to make a life in America, collecting his wife and child eight years later back from Eastern Europe, settled down and had six more kids. When I was a kid dad became an expat so as not to have the house repossessed Mum mostly stayed home. They did what they had to do.

Living together is a luxury not all partners can have. Urban UK housing isn't set up for large groups (large houses can be found rurally but then there's few jobs). Remote working may make more people able to live with their partners in future, but in the meantime, claiming people's relationships can't be committed just because they don't live together is frankly insulting.

 

[Seadog777]

Cheating has been commonplace for forever.

But I disagree with you in some regards. You can meet someone you feel like spending the rest of your life with and planning your old age together. IMO, most people probably enter into marriage with the best intentions.

But some people change. And it's those changes in one of them which slowly grows intolerable to the other. That might take years or even decades. Looking for temporary respite with someone else is one method the aggrieved may choose, instead of direct confrontations with their spouse they know will end poorly.

I can see and understand your POV here.

I think that a person knows damn well already, if they are the "settling down" type or not.
They end up trying to force themselves into something they aren't and end up destroying the lives of others.

As for swingers, that's entirely possible and practical in a couple who truly trust each other. Sex and love are two different things. And as long as both are into that lifestyle WILLINGLY and EQUALLY, it can work as long as they both follow their couple agreed upon rules. My stories build just such a swinger couple and show some of the pitfalls when one goes off against the rules.

I stated that it's entirely possible.
I said that I have personally never seen it work for long-term.

 

[Seadog777]

"In all my travels (5 continents), I've never seen swinging or anything similar work, in a long-term situation."

Then you haven't looked in the right place. As my prior post said, my wife and I were in a swinging poly relationship for 15 years, twice as long as the average marriage in the U.S. Was it difficult? Absofuckinglutely it was. It took work. Lots of hard work to make sure everyone was on the same page. But we did it for a long time. Yes, it did break up, but only after surviving twice as long as most.

We also have friends that have been swingers for 25-30 years and are still happily married. Granted it isn't a majority of the population who engages in such activities. But consider: according to surveys 4% of the U.S. adult married population engage in a polyamorous lifestyle. That's 2.8 million couples or 5.6 million individuals. Does it cause divorce more than a monogamous lifestyle does? The preponderance of studies says no, that swinging couples get divorced less than monogamous ones, for a variety of reasons. There are a few studies that say the opposite, but as I stated the preponderance of studies bears out what I said.

As far as staying married, the wife and I have been swingers for 25 years or so and have been married for 52. And we aren't an outlier when it comes to the swinging couples I know. Many are long-term married forks.

"Feelings always, always get hurt."

And that is different from a typical monogamous relationship, how? Humans are human and things will go sideways. People are going to whine and get their feelings hurt whether it's with a single partner or three. The key to it is being an adult and working out the problems. There are way too many who toss in the towel rather than work on and work out the problems. The divorce rate in this country bears that out.

Below are a few links you might want to peruse. And anecdotal evidence like that you presented doesn't carry much weight, because it's like the three blind men and the elephant.

https://www.yourtango.com/experts/m...s-have-lower-divorce-rates-monogamous-couples


https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...elationships-are-more-popular-you-might-think


Comshaw

ONCE AGAIN..... I said in MY travels and experiences.

 

[Seadog777]

You'll notice I said "people may expect - rightly or wrongly". I'm not making an argument on whether they'd be right or wrong, just saying how it is.



It's Thursday here, but thanks, and wishing you the same!

You in the Eastern Hemisphere???

 

[Bramblethorn]

There are several women I like. And we have very close relationships.

But personally (aka IMO), I have ONE woman I'm married to, and we plan the rest of our lives (and Wills and death) together. The others are in their own married relationships with the ones they plan their lives together.

Some people may be in a stable, long-term job and settled into their local community for a very long time, becoming very close to multiple people. But how many of their very close companions would move away with them if they were given a unique opportunity.

My wife had a chance at a new job which would require her to move 2,000 miles away. And I was willing to move with her, dropping my (very high paying) job. I told her "I can always find another job."

It's great that you were able to do that. I think a lot of polyamorous folk in LDRs would be moving closer to their loved ones if they had that good fortune to have a high-paying job that they could do from anywhere.

At the point where my partner and I got into a relationship with our interstate girlfriend, we didn't have that option. We were raising a kid who was starting on a difficult adolescence and really didn't need the upheaval of moving interstate or losing regular face-time with his father. I'd just started my first job post-degree, in a specialised field where there were only two employers in the country, and we didn't have that kind of financial independence. But we agreed that the long-term plan was for us to move to Melbourne, and when the opportunity came, we took it.

...and then, that relationship fell apart. It was shitty timing, but we were already committed to moving, and Melbourne has a lot of consolations.

Meanwhile, one of my friends just moved from the USA to Europe to be with his partners. So, yeah, it happens. (Though immigration law isn't exactly poly-friendly; good luck getting a spousal visa to be with somebody who already has a spouse.)

How many polyamorous groups would do that for one member of the group? Those seem to be more "friends with benefits" closed, insular groups. Any one of them could leave at any time. So, (at least to me), it seems more like very long-term dating without a permanent commitment.

People can and do leave marriages too.

I've been in poly relationships, and I've been in FWB situations, and I can confidently say they're not the same thing. The exact nature of the commitment varies from one poly relationship to another - there isn't really a standard model - but when somebody breaks that commitment, it's very different to FWBs dropping the benefits.

For some people, the group polyamorous relationships may be what they are looking for. But as one who is not in such a polyamorous relationship, I can only relate my own preferences and experiences. I like what I have and would find other options lacking.

And it's fine to have that preference. We all have to figure out what works for us and go for that. Where it becomes an issue is when people go beyond relating their own preferences and experiences, and start declaring other people's relationships invalid because they don't have quite the same priorities.