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What a difference a year can make!

When I joined Lit, I did so out of loneliness. My marriage was failing, and I was looking for a way to save it. I needed advice, someone to hear me, help me sort out my thoughts. He had mentally checked out of the marriage well before I joined, but I was still trying to save something that was almost completely shattered.

Life has a funny way of intervening at times. Circumstances caused me to take a week away from him in early February. I went to stay with family, spend time with loved ones that I didn’t get to see often enough. That week away allowed me to see that the misery and loneliness I felt wasn’t caused by my depression, but that my depression was caused by it. I wasn’t happy in my marriage. I decided that it would be for the best to end the marriage so we could both move on to happier times. I couldn’t save it single-handedly, and he wasn’t interested in trying to save it anymore either.

I returned home to him on February 14th. It was early afternoon, and there was definite tension. He knew something was up, but I told him I wasn’t going to get into it with him while the kids were awake. After the kids went to bed, we sat down and talked. I told him flat out that I wanted a divorce. I wasn’t happy, he wasn’t happy, and it was for the best that we just ended things. I let all of my emotions come spilling out, not blaming him for things, but letting him know how I really felt. Things I had kept pent up for years. That night, he slept on the couch. He still hadn’t accepted that I wanted a divorce, but was giving me the space I needed.

The next morning, he woke me up around 9am with the news that my grandfather had had a heart attack the night before. My father had tried to call me, but I had shut off my phone. My grandfather was in the ICU about an hour away, in a coma. I quickly packed my things, as well as my kids’ things, and flew out the door to be with my family.

I never went back. For the next 8 days, I kept myself surrounded by family. They didn’t know that I had asked him for a divorce, I wasn’t going to tell them while my grandfather was fighting for his life. He passed away, never regaining consciousness. After his funeral, I confided in my family about the divorce.

For the first time in almost a decade, I began to focus on myself. I had a lot of repair work to do to my heart and mind. I needed people to talk to that were completely removed from the situation. I don’t do well with face to face interactions when it involves emotions, so I stuck around Lit. I settled into a few threads, and found comfort in talking to a few people. The flirting and playing were a nice escape from real life at times, but I still felt empty and hollow. I gave up on finding happiness, and began to become content with my life as it was.

Then, this wonderfully sarcastic man stumbled into one of the threads I frequented. His wit was sharp, as was his snark, and I found myself enjoying his banter. He wasn’t flirty, wasn’t there to play, but just used Lit as a way to pass the time. If nothing else, I found someone who shared my wicked sense of humor. We spent a few days bantering back and forth on that thread before I challenged him to send me a PM. He finally did, and we spent most nights just PM’ing back and forth. Hundreds and hundreds of PM’s were exchanged. Nothing flirty or really sexual at first, just more of the snark and banter. It was refreshing and fun and I found myself smiling again.

I realized that while I wasn’t paying attention, I had developed a crush on him. He was smart, hilariously funny, and kept me smiling constantly. The anticipation of waiting for his PM’s was something deliciously torturous, but something I also enjoyed. We stayed up late into the night messaging each other, only to wake early and continue the banter all day.

We eventually moved to other forms of communication. We chatted through Yahoo for a while, and finally, talked on the phone. That first conversation was 9 hours. I remember hanging up with him, and immediately wanting to talk to him again. We talked on the phone a couple more times before moving to Skype. We settled into a routine, I began my mornings with Yahoo messages from him, and ended my nights by talking to him on Skype until I passed out. I realized I looked forward to those messages and talks.

We finally got around to discussing our feelings for each other. It was more than a crush, more than lust, and neither of us was quite sure it was love. Ruling out the variations of feelings, we decided that it was love. And of course, the questions of loving someone you’ve never actually met and all those came flooding through.

We decided this was safe, for both of us. We never had any intentions of meeting each other; it was just a safe way for us to feel connected to someone without getting too badly hurt when it ended. So, we enjoyed each other’s company, and took it day by day. Each day was a new day, a new chance to learn something about the other.

Life decided to intervene again. A family event had me travelling close to where he lived. My father, who lives just a few hours from him, was graduating with his MBA. So, in June, I flew out to celebrate the graduation. He and I decided to spend a few days together. To actually meet, and see if we have the same chemistry in person. Both of us expected to be slightly disappointed, realizing that it may be just downright awkward.

There was no awkwardness. The chemistry in person was better than it was via the Internet. I felt so comfortable with him, safe even. It was hard to say goodbye after just three days. I flew back home a day or so later, wondering when I’d get to see him again. I knew it would be a while, since summer is his busy season, and he couldn’t get away.

We settled back into our routine, nightly Skype talks. Over the summer/early fall, we began to really define our relationship. We became exclusive, both online and off. Finally, in November, he came to visit for a week. I had an amazingly good time with him, loving coming home from work to him, knowing I’d spend my nights with him, and just him, no distractions. The same chemistry we had the first time was still there, even more so now that we had defined things between us. When I dropped him off at the airport, and said goodbye, I had to walk away without looking back. I knew if I did, I would cry. I cried as soon as I got to my car. His plane hadn’t even taken off yet, and I already missed him. I had to stop on the 2 hour drive home, because I couldn’t keep my emotions in check.

I’m going to visit him again in a few weeks. In the year that we’ve been talking/dating, we’ll have spent 17 days together. It isn’t the kind of happy relationship I thought I’d have, but it’s one I’m content in. He loves me, I love him. He understands me, I understand him. We have more than a physical connection, which I think the distance has allowed us to explore. We cherish every moment we get to spend together, because we know they are rare. It’s what our hearts signed us up for, and for once, I’m letting my heart lead.

So, what a difference a year can make. This time last year, I was convinced I’d be lonely forever. I was convinced I was one of those people who sits by on the sidelines while everyone else is happy. What I’ve learned is that happiness comes in all forms, and while this isn’t conventional, it’s just what I needed. He is just what I needed, and I’m one very lucky girl.
 
And thank you to those of you that took the time to read that. I figured most people would glance at the length and skip it. :rose:
 
photograph said:
What a difference a year can make!

When I joined Lit, I did so out of loneliness. My marriage was failing, and I was looking for a way to save it. I needed advice, someone to hear me, help me sort out my thoughts. He had mentally checked out of the marriage well before I joined, but I was still trying to save something that was almost completely shattered.

Life has a funny way of intervening at times. Circumstances caused me to take a week away from him in early February. I went to stay with family, spend time with loved ones that I didn’t get to see often enough. That week away allowed me to see that the misery and loneliness I felt wasn’t caused by my depression, but that my depression was caused by it. I wasn’t happy in my marriage. I decided that it would be for the best to end the marriage so we could both move on to happier times. I couldn’t save it single-handedly, and he wasn’t interested in trying to save it anymore either.

I returned home to him on February 14th. It was early afternoon, and there was definite tension. He knew something was up, but I told him I wasn’t going to get into it with him while the kids were awake. After the kids went to bed, we sat down and talked. I told him flat out that I wanted a divorce. I wasn’t happy, he wasn’t happy, and it was for the best that we just ended things. I let all of my emotions come spilling out, not blaming him for things, but letting him know how I really felt. Things I had kept pent up for years. That night, he slept on the couch. He still hadn’t accepted that I wanted a divorce, but was giving me the space I needed.

The next morning, he woke me up around 9am with the news that my grandfather had had a heart attack the night before. My father had tried to call me, but I had shut off my phone. My grandfather was in the ICU about an hour away, in a coma. I quickly packed my things, as well as my kids’ things, and flew out the door to be with my family.

I never went back. For the next 8 days, I kept myself surrounded by family. They didn’t know that I had asked him for a divorce, I wasn’t going to tell them while my grandfather was fighting for his life. He passed away, never regaining consciousness. After his funeral, I confided in my family about the divorce.

For the first time in almost a decade, I began to focus on myself. I had a lot of repair work to do to my heart and mind. I needed people to talk to that were completely removed from the situation. I don’t do well with face to face interactions when it involves emotions, so I stuck around Lit. I settled into a few threads, and found comfort in talking to a few people. The flirting and playing were a nice escape from real life at times, but I still felt empty and hollow. I gave up on finding happiness, and began to become content with my life as it was.

Then, this wonderfully sarcastic man stumbled into one of the threads I frequented. His wit was sharp, as was his snark, and I found myself enjoying his banter. He wasn’t flirty, wasn’t there to play, but just used Lit as a way to pass the time. If nothing else, I found someone who shared my wicked sense of humor. We spent a few days bantering back and forth on that thread before I challenged him to send me a PM. He finally did, and we spent most nights just PM’ing back and forth. Hundreds and hundreds of PM’s were exchanged. Nothing flirty or really sexual at first, just more of the snark and banter. It was refreshing and fun and I found myself smiling again.

I realized that while I wasn’t paying attention, I had developed a crush on him. He was smart, hilariously funny, and kept me smiling constantly. The anticipation of waiting for his PM’s was something deliciously torturous, but something I also enjoyed. We stayed up late into the night messaging each other, only to wake early and continue the banter all day.

We eventually moved to other forms of communication. We chatted through Yahoo for a while, and finally, talked on the phone. That first conversation was 9 hours. I remember hanging up with him, and immediately wanting to talk to him again. We talked on the phone a couple more times before moving to Skype. We settled into a routine, I began my mornings with Yahoo messages from him, and ended my nights by talking to him on Skype until I passed out. I realized I looked forward to those messages and talks.

We finally got around to discussing our feelings for each other. It was more than a crush, more than lust, and neither of us was quite sure it was love. Ruling out the variations of feelings, we decided that it was love. And of course, the questions of loving someone you’ve never actually met and all those came flooding through.

We decided this was safe, for both of us. We never had any intentions of meeting each other; it was just a safe way for us to feel connected to someone without getting too badly hurt when it ended. So, we enjoyed each other’s company, and took it day by day. Each day was a new day, a new chance to learn something about the other.

Life decided to intervene again. A family event had me travelling close to where he lived. My father, who lives just a few hours from him, was graduating with his MBA. So, in June, I flew out to celebrate the graduation. He and I decided to spend a few days together. To actually meet, and see if we have the same chemistry in person. Both of us expected to be slightly disappointed, realizing that it may be just downright awkward.

There was no awkwardness. The chemistry in person was better than it was via the Internet. I felt so comfortable with him, safe even. It was hard to say goodbye after just three days. I flew back home a day or so later, wondering when I’d get to see him again. I knew it would be a while, since summer is his busy season, and he couldn’t get away.

We settled back into our routine, nightly Skype talks. Over the summer/early fall, we began to really define our relationship. We became exclusive, both online and off. Finally, in November, he came to visit for a week. I had an amazingly good time with him, loving coming home from work to him, knowing I’d spend my nights with him, and just him, no distractions. The same chemistry we had the first time was still there, even more so now that we had defined things between us. When I dropped him off at the airport, and said goodbye, I had to walk away without looking back. I knew if I did, I would cry. I cried as soon as I got to my car. His plane hadn’t even taken off yet, and I already missed him. I had to stop on the 2 hour drive home, because I couldn’t keep my emotions in check.

I’m going to visit him again in a few weeks. In the year that we’ve been talking/dating, we’ll have spent 17 days together. It isn’t the kind of happy relationship I thought I’d have, but it’s one I’m content in. He loves me, I love him. He understands me, I understand him. We have more than a physical connection, which I think the distance has allowed us to explore. We cherish every moment we get to spend together, because we know they are rare. It’s what our hearts signed us up for, and for once, I’m letting my heart lead.

So, what a difference a year can make. This time last year, I was convinced I’d be lonely forever. I was convinced I was one of those people who sits by on the sidelines while everyone else is happy. What I’ve learned is that happiness comes in all forms, and while this isn’t conventional, it’s just what I needed. He is just what I needed, and I’m one very lucky girl.
Click to expand...

Best post ever.:)

:heart:
 
BreezySnow said:
Photo, you give me hope from that awesome post! Thank you for sharing!
Click to expand...

Aww, thank you! :eek:

I'm still torn on how I feel about hope, I know it can be both thrilling and comforting, but also dangerous. However, I still remain hopeful. :rose:
 
sereneone4u said:
And let us remember, Luv is a very lucky man. :rose:
Click to expand...

Oh no. I'm the lucky one. He found me, broken and fragile. He waited patiently, went at my pace, while I put myself back together. He helped pick up the pieces of my shattered soul, but let me fix myself. It was the greatest gift anyone could have given me. Showing me that I have the strength to stand on my own, but allowing me to be vulnerable while keeping me safe.

I am the lucky one.
 
photograph said:
And thank you to those of you that took the time to read that. I figured most people would glance at the length and skip it. :rose:
Click to expand...

That was so beautiful to read...it brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you so much for sharing it!:rose::kiss:
 
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