Her!

[musicankane]

I couldn't believe this. It figured that I would just get a completely perfect girl who seemed to like me, only to have her back down on me. The worst part about it was she was trying to make it seem like we could still get together, but just not be together.

I shook my head and sighed, "I don't know what to say." I looked at her, "Abby I'm not that kind of guy. I don't want to just hang out, or whatever. I want to be with someone, if I'm having sex with someone I want it to be a relationship, not uh...fuck buddies or something."

I stood and shook my head, "Look I should go. I am sorry this wasn't what you wanted. I'm sorry I....I dont even know." I couldn't hide the cracking in my voice. I just walked to the door and let myself out.

 

[Wolf Vixen]

I was shocked, shocked that he felt that intense about it. Most guys would have been thrilled with what I wanted. When he got up and headed for the door I called after him yet he kept going. I jumped to my feet, I didn't want him upset, I didn't want him to think that I didn't like him cause I did.

I rushed out the door after him and the moment it shut I realized my keys were inside, with my phone. Cursing myself I rushed down the steps and out the door. My eyes scanned the parking lot and there he was walking toward his car. I called for him and ran as fast as I could to him, "Jake, wait...please wait."

Panting softly he turned and the pain there made my heart hurt, "Jake I like you, I love the fun we have had. I don't want to give that up, but I feel like you are telling me either I have a relationship with you or I don't get any of it. That is not fair! You know what I just went through, you should know why I don't want to rush into anything with anyone." I didn't know what else to say since the idea he was trying to blackmail me into a relationship which was starting to piss me off.

 

[musicankane]

I paused putting the key in my car door as Abby explained herself to me. Great now not only was I hurt I also felt like an asshole for being a gentleman. Why the fuck were women so complicated? I sighed and rested my head on the roof of the car.

"I can't believe this." I said started to laugh at the irony of it all. "You know, all I wanted to do was be a good guy. Be the guy that didn't want you for your vagina. Then you tell me that things are what, too perfect? And you want to just hang out, maybe have sex. You basically want the perfect guy relationship, and I'm just a moron."

I turned to her and looked down at my feet. "I'm sorry Abby." I said spreading my arms in a gesture of 'now what'.

 

[Wolf Vixen]

I sighed heavily at his words, he was completely missing my point, "Jake you are a good guy, you showed me all those things and I loved every moment of it. Last night was amazing, but I know if I get into a relationship with someone, I don't care how good or bad he is, I will fuck it all up. Do you not understand that I think we have something great growing but I don't want to jump on it and fuck it up before it even gets started good?"

I reached out to Jake, "I am not saying that over time I won't feel more confident in myself to not screw it up. Obviously I wasn't giving Richard whatever it was he wanted since he decided to fuck his neighbor. You are good, you have shown me what a gentleman is like, which sadly I haven't had the pleasure of seeing before, not without something expected during it all. But it would do me or you any good getting into something serious for me to fuck you up by it. The next woman in your life might hate me for fucking up a perfectly good gentleman. I just hope you can understand what I am trying to say Jake."

I stood there with my hand on his belly hoping he was understanding any of this. He was great and if I hadn't been in a relationship not two days prior I would have jumped at a chance to be with Jake like that, but I was not in the right mind set to settle down with someone.

 

[musicankane]

I was begining to think that giving up women was the way to go. I had no fucking clue what she meant by anything she said. I looked down at her hand on my stomach and understood she was trying to comfort me, but I didn't know what we did next?

Was I supposed to go up to her place and watch the movie like I'd planned? Or did I leave and hope she called me another time? Or did I pull her into my arms and take her upstairs to fuck her dizzy? somehow I don't think i was supposed to do the third one.

I opened the car door and I shrugged back from her. "Alright Abby. I guess I'll go home and you can call me later. I can understand you just got out of a relationship, but I can't stop myself form liking you or not know what I should do."

 

[Wolf Vixen]

I sighed heavily again as Jake got into his car and I felt the frustration building in me. I watched as he pulled away and I let him, not sure why he couldn't understand anything I had said but the look on his face said he didn't grasp any of it. Turning back toward my apartment I went in, fixed some dinner and sat down to eat it. Turning the channel I glanced over at my phone and shrugged softly before turning my attention to the show before me.

After I was done with dinner I decided to call it an early night and headed to bed. Slipping into my night gown and crawling up under the sheets I laid there thinking how it was that I did come across a decent guy and yet he couldn't understand the need to not fuck things up. I sighed again and closed my eyes hoping to get some sleep.

I woke the next day and did my normal routine, work and come home. I did a bit of cleaning and then sat down again to watch something on television. I didn't know what I wanted to do but sitting at home was not part of it. I went down to Pj's and the moment I opened the door I saw Jake there so I turned and left to find some place else to get a drink.

 

[musicankane]

I didn't hear from Abby for days. After a couple of days i managed to stop checking my phone every thirty seconds in the hopes of a texts or a missed call. After a few nights at PJ's I got settled back into my normal routine. Work, gym, home, microwave TV dinner and bed.

When a weeks passed without word from Abby I began to forget her. It became like we'd had one great night and that was going to be it. It was alright I guess, I was used to being alone and it was like riding a bike for me.

My friends thought I was a wreck though. They of course hadn't met Abby, but they knew that I had something going on. They could tell it in my demeanor, despite trying to act normal.

The truth was I missed her.

 

[Wolf Vixen]

My days became filled with work, home, dinner, television, shower, bed. I didn't even care what it was I was eating, just as long as it was food. Sometimes I got it on the way home and sometimes I would fix it. I stopped having friends to hang out with a long time ago when I was dating an asshole who ran them all off. So I couldn't very well just pick up the phone and ask for a girls night out.

Many times I found myself picking up my phone to call Jake, other times I found myself stopping by PJs with my hand on the door before realizing what I was doing. One night I went back for another show at the Observatory just so I wouldn't be at home that night. I really wished Jake would have understood what I was trying to say, but still to that day not a peep from him.

One Friday night my co-workers dragged everyone out for a dinner. Funny how they had to make the boss call me and make me attend. At the dinner I tried to make small talk but I really wasn't feeling it. I excuse myself to the bathroom and as I rounded the corner I ran right smack into the man I had been trying to forget about. My eyes widened slowly as I couldn't even think of the first thing to say to him.

 

[musicankane]

So my days of depression had finally gotten to my friend Rick's nerves and he set me up on a blind date with a girl from his department. Her name was Cindy and she was really nice, cute, not overly beautiful like Abby, no one could compare to Abby. And she was nice enough.

So we were out to dinner at a local steak place. I wanted to make a good first impression so I was splurging a little bit. After appettizers I excused myself to go to the restroom where I handled my business then left.

As I was rounding the corner to reenter the dining room I smacked literally into Abby. We both gasped startled to see each other. I fell my heart begin to race, I'd forgotten just how beautiful she was in person.

"Uh hi." I said, breathlessly.

 

[Wolf Vixen]

I wasn't sure what to say to Jake so all that came out was a response to his greeting, "hi." My tongue flicked over my lips as I looked at him, he looked good Surely he had to be there with friends or even a date. The thought of a date had my heart hurting but I had not right to say anything, "umm, how have you been?"

I found myself closer to him and I didn't remember moving. My eyes locked with his and I lost my thought about what to say.

I stopped my hand from reaching out to him, "I'm sure you are here with someone so I won't keep you." I began to move around him, heading to the bathroom while I was holding myself together.

 

[musicankane]

I never thought it would be so hard to see her like that. She hit the nail on the head, I was here with someone, but not the person I wanted to be with. It was painful and I didn't know what to say to her.

So I simply nodded and said, "Yeah I am." Then I brushed by her to meet my date back at our table. I put on a fake smile for my date and tried to keep my eyes on her to avoid looking around for Abby.

 

[Wolf Vixen]

Heading into the bathroom I took a long look at myself in the mirror before sighing heavily and finishing what I came in there for to begin with. On my way back out I almost hoped Jake would be there waiting but he wasn't. I sighed again and headed back to the group of people from work. As they talked and laughed I found myself looking for Jake and his date. Part of me wanting to see what kind of girl he was out with.

I wish I would have just stayed at home. As my eyes moved over him he was smiling and talking with this little blond woman. She was cute but not what I would have expected from Jake. My mind began to wander and I wondered if he took her to the park for a picnic too or not.

I finally couldn't take it any longer, I excuse myself from the dinner and moved to the bar, where I began to down beer after beer. On my fourth one I was starting to feel the effect, of course it didn't help that I hadn't really eaten anything. Turning around I saw Jake again and again he looked happy. I shrugged and finished my beer before standing and making my way to the door. I walked out into the cool night and felt the first signs of tears. Taking deep breaths I tried to hold them back, not wanting to cry over some guy that I willingly let go.

 

[musicankane]

I was simply acting like I was having a good time. In truth I was depressed and hurt, seeing Abby did nothing to help me. Though I was able to put on a good act for my date. After dinner I took her home, but like i did with Abby the first date, I did not kiss her goodnight.

I went home and showered then went to bed. I had nightmares, then woke at 2am unable to sleep as Abby haunted my mind. I threw the covers off and went to my phone almost dailing Abby's number. I stopped myself and tossed the phone onto the counter.

I took a bottle of vodka from my freezer and flopped onto the couch to drink the bottle straight.

 

[Wolf Vixen]

Going home and going to sleep was probably best and yet when I got there that wasn't a good thing. I found myself tossing and turning most of the night and by morning I had called in to take a personal day. I tried to do things around the house to keep my mind preoccupied but that didn't help as it kept going back to seeing Jake the night before.

I left the apartment with the sole intent of doing some running, something, anything to keep my mind from going to Jake and his date. He looked so happy and seemed like he got what he was hoping to find with me. Taking a deep shaky breath I started off with a slow jog and before I knew it I was pushing myself like nothing before.

I slowed to a walk and began to take great gulps of air only to find myself at the park, standing right next to the tree where we had had our late night picnic. Taking a seat I looked out over the park trying to think of something to do to get Jake off my mind. I didn't want a relationship and he did so I needed to get over him and keep going on with my life, right?

 

[musicankane]

The next couple of days were agony. But I made them without thinking about Abby too much. Still she haunted his dreams. He could not go a night without jerking awake and thinking she would be right beside him. He would sit in his bed crying because his heart felt crushed.

He needed her, he had never felt like this about anyone. What killed him worse was that she felt almost the same way about him, but she refused to let them be together.

Saturday night he found himself sitting in his car, in the parking lot in front of Abby's apartment building. He just needed to see her.

 

[Wolf Vixen]

I had been sitting around most of the day Saturday but when the night fell I walked into the kitchen and found I had forgotten to go to the store. Sighing I turned and moved back into the bedroom to grab my shoes. Darting out the door I remembered the keys this time, the last time being a pain in my ass to get anyone to open their door to me. I finally got the old lady across the hall to at least call someone to come let me in my apartment.

Walking down the steps I stepped out of the door and began to head to my car. I glanced over the parking lot quickly before glancing down looking for the keys to my car. Reaching the door I fumbled with the keys and finally got them into the door. I glanced up as I opened the door and then my cell phone rang. I dug it out of my purse and opened it, "Hello?"

Tammy, at work, decided to hand my number out to her husband's friend, like I really wanted to talk to this guy. I sighed inside and leaned against my car a moment, "Thank you, but I am not so sure about going out. Life is pretty busy right now and I just don't have time to date anyone. I wish Tammy would have told you that when she gave you my number." He stumbled a bit before asking for a simple drink, "I suppose a drink won't hurt. I was heading to the store but I can stop on the way and meet you there." Pausing a moment, "Okay I will see you there in a few minutes." I hung up the phone and began to get into my car.

 

[musicankane]

I looked up at motion from her apartment building. Sure enough it was Abby and my heart sank as she marched directly to her car, a phone her ear. She looked amazing, and didn't seem upset or anything. I leaned back in his seat and wondering what the fuck I was doing here.

I needed to talk to her and I needed to tell her that I still cared about her. I opened the car door and moved to go to her, but she hung up her phone and jumped into her car before I could get there. I don't think she even noticed me as she pulled away.

Sorrow overcame me, I fell to my knees and I started to sob. What could I do? How could I get someone who wanted to be alone?

I made my way back to my car and went to PJ's to drown my sorrow.

 

[Wolf Vixen]

I stepped into PJs and glanced quickly around, thankful I didn't see Jake there. Part of me was dying to see him again, even tried to sent him a text a time or two, but I knew what he wanted and it wasn't what I wanted.

I found a table in the far back corner and took a seat waiting for Jason to show up. I knew what he looked like cause he was over at Tammy's a lot when her kids were having a birthday or whatever their reason was for calling the neighborhood in on a party. My eyes moved over everyone that came in until I saw him. I waved for him and took a seat while he walked over.

What I didn't expect was what came through the door next. It was Jake. I moved back, trying to hide in the shadows while he walked to the bar and took a seat. He looked terrible and I my chest tightened at the sight of him, more so when I saw the look in his eyes, the pain there. I hated seeing him that way, but I didn't know what I could do to make it better. We wanted two different things. I hadn't even realized Jason was talking to me until he put a hand in front of my face. I blinked and looked at him, "I'm sorry, that is a good friend of mine and he looks terrible. Mind if I take a rain check on the drink?"

I didn't even give Jason time to respond, I stood up and moved toward the bar, stepping up to it, opposite of Jake. My eyes locked on him before I started to make my way around the bar toward him. I didn't know what I was going to say to him or even do, I just know I couldn't bare looking at him with that look in his eyes.

 

[musicankane]

I never saw Abby enter the bar, so I don't know if she was there before me or I found that my beer was so interesting that I wasn't paying attention. When I glanced up Abby was there, locking eyes with me. I felt my breath lock up and my heart skipped a beat. What was she doing here? I tensed as she made her way around the bar toward me, her eyes never leaving mine.

I blinked and chewed my lower lip, my eyes started to water and I didn't know what I was supposed to say.

When she got to me I opened my mouth and said, "Hi." Then I poured half my beer into my stomach. Liquid courage.

 

[Wolf Vixen]

Slowly taking a seat beside him I gave a small smile, "Hi. Are you okay Jake?" I watched as he almost downed the whole beer in one gulp and knew something wasn't right. I motioned at the bartender and waited for my beer to appear. Slowly taking a swig from it I waited for him to answer but I kind of already knew what it would be.

Reaching out to him I gently laid my hand over his, "I don't know what to say Jake. I have missed you, but I figured you were probably seeing someone and didn't need me interfering." I took another swig from the bottle even as my hand started to move back to my lap.

I sat there beside Jake and was a complete blank at what to say or do still but all I knew was I felt better just being by him. I really did miss him and yet I still couldn't bring myself to start anything serious with him.

 

[musicankane]

I sighed, unable to express myself to her. Ugh, I wanted to take her. I wanted to bash her on the head to knock her ass out then run her to my place where I could have her forever. I drank another beer and glanced over at her, she sat there as if waiting for me to say something.

"I haven't been able to sleep a single night without thinking of you." I told her. "I know it's silly since we only hung out for a couple of days but, something about you just fit me like a key in a lock and I've been empty without you." I took another chug from my beer and set the empty glass on the counter. "I don't know what else to say to you. I never been so instantly and deeply in love with someone as I am with you, and you don't want me, so I'm dead inside."

There it was out in the open. I said my peace and whatever happened happened.

 

[Wolf Vixen]

Listening to Jake broke my heart even more. I was just as lost and yet terrified of getting into anything serious with him. Dating yes, going out like you would as you are building a relationship sure, but to jump right into something like that with him I just couldn't see.

Before I realized what I was doing I had his face cupped in my hands and my lips pressed to his. My eyes closed and I sighed softly from the feel of his lips pressed to mine once again. The only thing that would top it off would be his arm around me, but then again I did take him off guard. I sort of even expected him to push me off of him.

It was almost like the world was right again and yet I had the feeling that Jake still wanted me to jump off of that cliff with him and I knew I just couldn't do it.

 

[musicankane]

I tensed when her lips found mine for a moment. Then I melted into her touch, kissing her back and for a moment it was wonderful glorious and perfect and I was complete for that moment. Then I remember that it wasn't real and it was just a random emotion.

I jerked my head away from her and turned away. "Don't." I said, "You can't do this to me. You can't just touch me like you want me, when I know that you don't." I said, a tear running down my cheek. It felt like I could literally feel my heart ripping itself apart.

 

[Wolf Vixen]

When Jake gave in to the kiss it was wonderful, when he pulled away I almost cried out with the loss of his lips. I listened to him and felt my own heart breaking. I stood up by his side, "But I do what you Jake, you just want me to jump into something I think we should take our time getting into. But don't ever think I don't want you cause I do."

With that I had to turn and leave, I couldn't bear to be there with him, not if he was going to push me away like that. I started for my car, remembering I needed to get to the store. Glancing I noticed a store within walking distance. I decided to leave my car there and walk to the store. I needed the fresh air as the tears burned my eyes before spilling down my cheek.

I made it to the store and began to wipe at my eyes before walking in. I grabbed a cart and started to mindlessly walk around the store.

 

[musicankane]

I watched her go and I realized that I couldn't do this anymore. She said she wanted me, but couldn't commit to something with me and I didn't care. I needed her, even if I could only have on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I would take her as much as she wanted me to have her.

I got up, paid for my drinks and ran after her. In the parking lot I saw her car was still there, but she wasn't in the car. The only other place to go around here was the market so I ran after it, staggering as I wobbled a little. Stupid beer.

I found Abby in the dairy aisle and I cired for her. "Abby!"

I ran up to her and dropped to my knees before her. I took her hands and looked up at her. "I can't do it Abby. I need you, I dont care if you only want to hook up for five minutes a week. Or five minutes a month....i hope not, but if that's what you want I don't care. I need you in my life. I need you. Please just let's try something."