Help needed

[CutieMouse]

Poorly done anal is a viscous cycle.

He pressures; she starts to worry/feel anxious.
Worry/anxiety manifests itself as physical tension.
Physical tension manifests itself as resistance.
Resistance [tension/tightness], results in pain.
Pain feeds back into the loop of worry and tension.
Worry and tension [and pain] reinforce resistance.

Lather, rinse, repeat until things turn into a clusterfuck of the bad kind.

The end result of which is a woman who feels immense pressure to "prove" her love, and anxiety that if she doesn't "do it right" (by his definition) - she will lose him. People have a difficult enough time relaxing and overcoming societal training (that area is "dirty"/"exit only") re: anal exploration, without going anywhere NEAR this level of personal life changing "what if" anxiety.

He honestly may think he's being sexy, or encouraging, or helpful by expressing so much desire to do this with you [the OP]. He might not realize that his enthusiasm is translating as pressure, and the pressure is exacerbating the problems y'all are having re: anal sex.

Because you [OP] have this feedback loop in your head -

"OMG I have to *enjoy* this to prove my love."
"OMG I have to *enjoy* this or I'll lose him."
"OMG I have to *enjoy* this or he'll send me away for training (whateverthefuckthatis) - and the trainer guy might be even scarier than anal sex with my husband/master."

Fear, anxiety, fear, anxiety, worry, worry, worry... none of which are conducive to a relaxed, pleasurable, emotionally and physically healthy sex life.

 

[MissHolly]

No, you can trust that I am the wife, who right now is scared out of my mind because I don't like getting fucked in the butt....So sorry to have an opinion to all of you who think I am a fake. See, I guess I was wrong to come here to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing to show this man that I adore him and would do anything for him, except take it up the butt..But apparently that's what makes you a submissive, right....WRONG!!!! This isn't a game for me. This is my life. I don't sleep in a cage, I'm not shackled for days at a time and humiliated, and yelled at, and treated like an animal. I just feel that being submissive doesn't mean being in constant pain...I enjoy pain for pleasure...NOT pain for pains sake....Oh hell, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. THERE ISN'T AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR THIS....I'm sorry you all think this is bullshit or that I'm a fake. That was not my intention.

Don't worry. I'll be fine.

The people you meet online are not always going to be supportive. I cant judge unless I am in your shoes. I was new to this just one year ago myself and searching for answers. Time and experience really are the best lessons. If you trust your Husb/Master/Dom then stick with that. Make sure you have a safe word. Only you can decide. Maybe your husband is too close emotionally to be stern the way a Master sometimes has to be...My Master has never...but the thought is always there that he could.

As for the anal...what I once hated...I now love...so it is possible. I might suggest you start masturbating anally...slowly...and with lots of lube. Thats what I did and in time I discovered how incredible it was...and after my 1st anal orgasm I was a permanent fan!

Good luck...I wish you well.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

As for the anal...what I once hated...I now love...so it is possible. I might suggest you start masturbating anally...slowly...and with lots of lube. Thats what I did and in time I discovered how incredible it was...and after my 1st anal orgasm I was a permanent fan!

I think this is also a good idea for the anal "problem" (fyi, it's not a problem. I"m just phrasing it that way in the context of this conversation). There's no pressure when you're by yourself. Don't let yourself feel like there is. Start with something small (But safe! You don't want to "lose" it!!), let yourself enjoy it without any consequences if you don't!!

Hell, IF IF IF this IS something you want to do (I reiterate that it's not a problem. if you don't want to, DON'T), it may be worth spending a couple dozen bucks for one of those "anal trainers" that have progressive sizes of butt plugs.

 

[Ellafun]

fyi...Chaingun beat me to it.
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=658672&page=37 Post #919

 

[subwannabe]

You've really gotten a treasure trove of good advice here. I have to say that you sound a little bit like a lovesick puppy teenager who has found "the love of their life", while at the same time not really even knowing what the hell that means. As someone else pointed out, this is not a goody two shoes conservative church forum you have come to, this is a "porn" BDSM forum where almost anything goes. Almost all of these people are telling you that your so called husband has gone too far. If you don't like or want to be fucked in the butt then that is your right. Most BDSM play can often involve doing whatever you want but at the same time having a "safe" word just in case the dominant one should go too far. It sounds like your husband could care less about your feelings and wishes you to completely obey, with no "safe" words where you can say, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT". Either you or your husband needs to seriously consider changing this relationship. He either needs to consider your feelings or you need to seriously consider saying no and let the shit fall where it may, even if it leads to a breakup. If it should actually get to that point you should be aware that there really is more than one fish in the ocean and that many people who think they have found "the love of their life" could actually be happier with someone else. If he is truly a husband and loves you he will not make you do something that you really don't want to do.

 

[tufone2tame]

Hello and thank you

Hi to all my friends and even to those who think I'm a fake. I wanted to let you know that I read and thought about all the responses here and asserted my independence and said No...We had a huge (huge) fight and long story and several hours later, I'm staying with a friend for now. I honestly don't know what I am, or what I'm supposed to do...but after reading all of your kinds thoughts, I do know what would be stupid to do.

I'll figure it out (I hope). I guess I have a lot to learn about love...don't I.

Thank you again.

 

[Chiara_searches]

Hi to all my friends and even to those who think I'm a fake. I wanted to let you know that I read and thought about all the responses here and asserted my independence and said No...We had a huge (huge) fight and long story and several hours later, I'm staying with a friend for now. I honestly don't know what I am, or what I'm supposed to do...but after reading all of your kinds thoughts, I do know what would be stupid to do.

I'll figure it out (I hope). I guess I have a lot to learn about love...don't I.

Thank you again.

I am very proud of you for looking out for your well-being. But remember: he has a lot more to learn than you do. At least you were willing to talk to him about it and be flexible. That shows maturity. At least you were willing to hear us when we said, in varying ways, you have got to love yourself first.

Hang in there. If he is a man worthy of your submission, he will open the doors of communication. If he doesn't then please know, honest to cod (stealing Keroin's phrase) there are more fish in the sea. I've twice thought I had found the love of my life only to learn they weren't healthy choices. Right now, at 42, I'm starting over and dating a wonderful man.

Take care of you.

 

[BiBunny]

Good for you!

At the risk of sounding like a narcissist, reading my thread, Not Submissive Anymore, my help a little. Please take care of yourself, and thank you for coming back to update us on the situation.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Hi to all my friends and even to those who think I'm a fake. I wanted to let you know that I read and thought about all the responses here and asserted my independence and said No...We had a huge (huge) fight and long story and several hours later, I'm staying with a friend for now. I honestly don't know what I am, or what I'm supposed to do...but after reading all of your kinds thoughts, I do know what would be stupid to do.

I'll figure it out (I hope). I guess I have a lot to learn about love...don't I.

Thank you again.

Good for you! I'm so happy you decided to give voice to your concerns. Stay strong and make sure you have what YOU need for YOU.

I hope things begin to work out for you, however that needs to happen. I'm glad you managed to avoid a potentially dangerous situation

 

[Stella_Omega]

Wow. That was an incredibly strong, brave thing to do, and to stick with doing, and sticking to your guns like that. I am so very very sorry that this first step for you ended up with you on a friend's sofa-- but wow.

I am so impressed.

 

[subwannabe]

I seriously don't think this guy is worthy of being your husband. Good for you. There is nothing wrong with being submissive to someone but ............... Sometimes guys get confused between being a dominant and being an abuser.

 

[DVS]

Hi to all my friends and even to those who think I'm a fake. I wanted to let you know that I read and thought about all the responses here and asserted my independence and said No...We had a huge (huge) fight and long story and several hours later, I'm staying with a friend for now. I honestly don't know what I am, or what I'm supposed to do...but after reading all of your kinds thoughts, I do know what would be stupid to do.

I'll figure it out (I hope). I guess I have a lot to learn about love...don't I.

Thank you again.

I don't think you have as much to learn about love as your husband does. He's probably hurt emotionally now, but he'll heal. I don't think anybody is trying to break up your marriage, but your husband needs to understand that you are a couple first. You both need to communicate your desires as well as your limits. Hopefully your desires pretty much match his, but he also needs to respect your limits.

You had issues with his training plans and you spoke up. He should respect that and be willing to talk things over. You have a say in this, too. There are people who can't handle anal sex for various reasons and no amount of training is going to change that. So he has no right to demand you learn things his way without your input.

Let's hope he understands and is willing to listen to your side of this. If there's any training, he should do it. No outsiders should be involved in something so personal between the two of you. I don't know where he got that training idea in the first place.

It's nice to see you have let him know you are against the training. I hope he now comes to his senses and sees you as the equal partner you are. You have a voice and you used it. Now keep it handy, if he gets out of line again.

 

[Que]

The Men™

Any plans for a nationwide rollout of the brand? I'd like to get a franchise prospectus when available...k thanks.

QFT!!!!

I also think this thread might be a subtle attempt at obtaining wank fodder...

I had that initial impression, but if this made it to three pages, I'm in..so I read on....

I would just like to thank the OP for the plot of my next Lit story submission. Thanks! Carry on.

P.S. She leaves the husband for the trainer at the end of the story, fyi.

You know whilst ostensibly happily married, I've talked to probably hundreds (this is YEARS of various alts) of women mostly on Lit as a sounding board as a voyeur, a kink, another chick...whatever suited my intellectual or more likely pervy needs at the time. I early on decided my sir gallahad complex was going to get me in trouble so I selected "projects" outside of geographical possibility...a surprising number (at first till I thought about it) didn't leave their SO for me, but as I pointed out options, they usually found one to take.

god...and what shits me (hah) about that PARTICULAR detail is that...you can do serious damage with anal. Hell, you can KILL someone via sepsis if you aren't careful.

Fuck, I think it's just plain gross. If I didn't like it so much, I'd refuse to have anything to do with it.

Arent the best kinks the ones that just rub you the wrong way whilst rubbing everything OH so right?

Damn you multiquote button, i dont think you can go page to page through an entire thread, and as it is I want to quote and sub-comment (in a totally dommish way of course) to just about every damned post in this thread.

Anyway...as I read I found that once again Litsters do not fail to wow me. NO wonder my TV is rarely on. This had everything, drama, humor, intrigue, danger, and self redemption as well as a cliffhanger - where will she go from here....statistically she will go back...im with the cheering crowd here knowing she can do better and will in short order if she reaches her little hand out in safe and sane places.


anyway to tufone2tame: this is a great new start for you...get out, reach out, meet people, let the world have a chance to embrace you. Don't rush into the next thing whatever it is including (and I'm kind of hoping not) it is in a new, renewed, sane and healthy relationship with what I'd like to see as your soon to be ex husband.

be well be safe.

***ps and c.m. it isnt rare at all, you regularly give us insight into your personal world by the honesty of your posts...i love reading between your lines.

 

[WastelandVoice]

I seriously don't think this guy is worthy of being your husband. Good for you. There is nothing wrong with being submissive to someone but ............... Sometimes guys get confused between being a dominant and being an abuser.

Absolutely! It's a blurred line sometimes for us so you have to be careful about the ones who are just into kinky stuff, the real practitioners of the lifestyle, and the abusive assholes.

tufone2tame -

I am happy to hear that you got out of the situation. Now I hope you take some time to figure things out and try to get things in order while you decide who you are and what you want. There's nothing wrong with being submissive but it's possible to do it safely, happily, and respectfully.

Good luck and we're all here for you if you need help/advice!

 

[tufone2tame]

Hi - got an update

Well, I just thought I'd let you all know that I have been officially served with divorce papers....just like on television (the freaking coward). Anyway, I guess I had a warped view of what love is, but now that I know what it isn't...I actually feel ok. I have good friends. Both here and in real life.

I'll be around. Anyone need a good sub who doesn't like getting it up the butt? See, I can still laugh....But I think I'll stick with myself for a while and figure out what loving someone really means.

Kisses and many, many thanks.

 

[HottieMama]

Well, I just thought I'd let you all know that I have been officially served with divorce papers....just like on television (the freaking coward). Anyway, I guess I had a warped view of what love is, but now that I know what it isn't...I actually feel ok. I have good friends. Both here and in real life.

I'll be around. Anyone need a good sub who doesn't like getting it up the butt? See, I can still laugh....But I think I'll stick with myself for a while and figure out what loving someone really means.

Kisses and many, many thanks.

Wow... Divorce over taking it in the ass???? Yes, it was always an option if he wasn't happy, but it just seems so.....petty, IMO...

I hope you will stick around here and post where you feel comfortable. I think those of us that have been "burned" by a D/s relationship, are just as valuable as those couples that have been happily together for years....

Take care of yourself...

 

[subme01]

WOW. Sorry, I have to say it again. WOW.

Either that's a calculated move to try to scare you back into the relationship - "My way or no way", in which case he's the most manipulative, controlling SOB that walked the face of the earth, or... No, he's just the most manipulative, controlling SOB that walked the face of the earth.

I'm so glad you're out of there. It looks like you're already realising that many of the things you were led to feel are not true - like you say, you have friends, both online and rl. Even from your first post, the improvement in your self esteem and confidence is obvious. You have the whole of your life and the whole of the world in front of you. I really hope you enjoy your new found freedom.

Take care and good luck!

 

[Stella_Omega]

I think your soon-to-be ex has some serious, serious problems.

I'm even going out on a limb and saying "narcissistic personality disorder" mostly because only a complete narcissist could imagine turning his loving wife over to another man-- and actually getting her back.

Congratulations on your bravery, and also on dodging a bullet.

 

[tufone2tame]

Wow... Divorce over taking it in the ass???? Yes, it was always an option if he wasn't happy, but it just seems so.....petty, IMO...

I hope you will stick around here and post where you feel comfortable. I think those of us that have been "burned" by a D/s relationship, are just as valuable as those couples that have been happily together for years....

Take care of yourself...

Personally, I'm not stupid enough to believe that is the real reason. I think it was just a really easy excuse. Thing is, he'll see what he's lost when he can't find another like me.

 

[tufone2tame]

WOW. Sorry, I have to say it again. WOW.

Either that's a calculated move to try to scare you back into the relationship - "My way or no way", in which case he's the most manipulative, controlling SOB that walked the face of the earth, or... No, he's just the most manipulative, controlling SOB that walked the face of the earth.

I'm so glad you're out of there. It looks like you're already realising that many of the things you were led to feel are not true - like you say, you have friends, both online and rl. Even from your first post, the improvement in your self esteem and confidence is obvious. You have the whole of your life and the whole of the world in front of you. I really hope you enjoy your new found freedom.

Take care and good luck!

If my self esteem has improved, it's because of the people here who make me see that blind following is not something a smart person should do. I have to say, I'm so grateful for my friends and I do feel confident enough that if serving me with papers was a calculated move...it will fail miserably.

XX

 

[Stella_Omega]

Personally, I'm not stupid enough to believe that is the real reason. I think it was just a really easy excuse. Thing is, he'll see what he's lost when he can't find another like me.

... Which won't be your problem.

 

[Bandit58]

Just read this whole thread and I have to say I think you are well rid of him

My ex husband (not in the lifestyle) was the same kind of bullying manipulative dickhead as yours. He regularly tried to lay guilt trips on me, especially after I left him

I'm now married to a lovely Dom who treats me wonderfully. So they are definitely out there and you will find someone much better I'm sure

 

[BiBunny]

Flaming douchebag alert.

I'm glad you're rid of him, but I hate it came to that. Of course, I suppose it's better to know now than later, right? I wish you the best of luck getting things all straightened out, and I think you're making a wise decision.

 

[DVS]

Well, I just thought I'd let you all know that I have been officially served with divorce papers....just like on television (the freaking coward). Anyway, I guess I had a warped view of what love is, but now that I know what it isn't...I actually feel ok. I have good friends. Both here and in real life.

I'll be around. Anyone need a good sub who doesn't like getting it up the butt? See, I can still laugh....But I think I'll stick with myself for a while and figure out what loving someone really means.

Kisses and many, many thanks.

I'm very much an anal sex guy and while it would be difficult to not have anal sex with my wife/lover/sub/pyl, I know I could live without it, if it was a limit of hers and I really cared for her. Sacrificing an otherwise good marriage over that is very telling about what his idea of a good marriage is.

I'd be interested to know what kind of a deal he had with that friend of his who was to be the "trainer". He obviously thought he had enough control over you that he could arrange it, no problem. But because you tossed that out the window, it made your hubby look pretty silly, in that guy's eyes. The divorce is his attempt to save face with his friend. "How dare her reject my demands? Well, I'll show her!" That's such a knee jerk reaction from a true jerk.

It's sad that a divorce came of this, but get yourself a good divorce lawyer and take the asshole (no pun intended) for all he's got. Be nice and let him keep his false pride. While the dust settles, take some time for yourself and read up on what a real D/s relationship is like where limits are concerned. I'm guessing you'll also see other areas where your hubby didn't treat you as he should have. This all may have been a shock for you, but it sure seems it is all for the best.

Aside from the obvious love between two people, a marriage is based on trust and respect. A marriage that involves a D/s relationship is no different. When you're ready, primp yourself up, put on a sweet submissive smile and find yourself someone who will respect you as you are. Accept nothing less!

 

[Chiara_searches]

Your strength to seek answers when you had questions and your strength in handling his dick-headed move is amazing. You need to be very proud of yourself. We are just words on a screen here but you, no one but YOU, made the right choices to look out for yourself and realize you are allowed to be submissive and have a brain.

I'm glad you are taking time to sort things out. I took almost two years after my divorce before I started dating again to do the same and I feel it was time well spent. I'm still mixed up and have trouble navigating life in general sometimes, but I really do think I wouldn't be in such a great place without having learned more about me first.

Hang in there. It may get bumpy for a while, but you've already proven you have the ability to weather pretty much any storm.



ETA: And I second all that DVS said above!!!!