A generalised rules For Submissive

[sdma]

Unpopular opinion: a lot of “submissives” want the label without the discipline that should come with it.

In a perfect world, do you think there should be some bare-minimum standards for a submissive/slave, regardless of the specific dynamic? Not personalized rules from one Dom to one sub—I mean baseline expectations. Things like obedience, honesty, consistency, self-control, respect, accountability, initiative, etc.

So what should actually be considered the minimum? And should that list be different for male and female submissives, or not?

Drop your own rules/standards if you have them. I’m curious what people think a submissive should already bring to the table before a Dom ever starts building a dynamic around them.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Meh, no. I believe the relationship and dynamic between the participants dictates this in all situations. There is no one right or true way with regard to BDSM relationships. As long as those involved are practicing SSC/RACK, it’s all good.

 

[PaxNurgle]

Things like honesty, respect, accountability and self control are crucial for all successful relationships, even vanilla ones, but for kink, then communication becomes even more important. Both partners should communicate their expectations for the relationship, and let it evolve.

 

[barefootgirl69]

"Not personalized rules from one Dom to one sub—I mean baseline expectations. Things like obedience, honesty, consistency, self-control, respect, accountability, initiative, etc."

Then where is room for growth? What about Doms who enjoy training their sub for their own standards of submission?

We aren't robots and everyone is like the fingers on your hand. Different and needed.

Things like @PaxNurgle said are important to any relationship, but standards like "obedience"? Your idea of obedience may be different than someone else's.

Being someone's submissive is beautiful because we fit their expectations, not someone else's.

 

[NoelleSwallowsTheDrop]

You are also forgetting the "brat" dynamic which may appeal to a lot of doms/subs for multiple reasons.

 

[Mrs_and_mr]

There are rules? I’ve never really looked at it that way. In relationships I’m just submissive, it’s not an act or a scene it’s just how I am. It’s not that I’m locked in the corner having to ask permission for everything, I’m just not the dominant partner. Now because of that it has opened me up to a different type of relationship that involves femdom and some bdsm but also because of that it has ended relationships and involved me in not healthy ones as well.

 

[PaxNurgle]

There are some D/s couples where certain rules and protocols evolve over time as the relationship grows more intimate, and these things are usually mutually agreed on. And of course these vary depending on the couple, and the dynamic. I think, the point of being "Submissive" is being used to being told what to do. "How can I make my partner happy? What do they expect of me? What do you want me to do?" asks the submissive. The dominant will tell you, because as the dominant partner, that is their role in the relationship. And as submissives, we are trying to please our dominant, which means obeying what they tell us.

 

[cocokittysurprise]

Unpopular opinion: a lot of “submissives” want the label without the discipline that should come with it.

In a perfect world, do you think there should be some bare-minimum standards for a submissive/slave, regardless of the specific dynamic? Not personalized rules from one Dom to one sub—I mean baseline expectations. Things like obedience, honesty, consistency, self-control, respect, accountability, initiative, etc.

So what should actually be considered the minimum? And should that list be different for male and female submissives, or not?

Drop your own rules/standards if you have them. I’m curious what people think a submissive should already bring to the table before a Dom ever starts building a dynamic around them.

I believe that there should be bare-minimum standards for any healthy relationship; those standards will vary depending on the individuals within the relationship. Traits like honesty, consistency, respect, etc. should be things that people expect in ANY relationship, whether its kink/platonic/familial/etc.

There are too many "flavors"/dynamics within the D/s umbrella to maintain a perspective like "This is the bare minimum for a submissive". Personally, I love bratty subs - that would fall outside of the "obedience" expectation.

 

[Dearelliot]

Naked and afraid!

 

[cocokittysurprise]

I was a gay bottom for a hunky prof; loved it! He was classy and cute, had manners; and wouldnt hurt anyone; made me his gay fucktoy!

Why did you quote my post with this information?

 

[drobert44]

Why did you quote my post with this information?

I thought was appropriate.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I thought was appropriate.

It wasn’t.

 

[Want2get2knowu]

Great question. Of course the rules should be between the people involved. A sub needs to know what is expected and what causes consequences.

 

[9to5]

Great question. Of course the rules should be between the people involved. A sub needs to know what is expected and what causes consequences.

yes do need to have some idea and a little guide line

 

[justyouraveragedaniel]

I believe that there should be bare-minimum standards for any healthy relationship; those standards will vary depending on the individuals within the relationship. Traits like honesty, consistency, respect, etc. should be things that people expect in ANY relationship, whether its kink/platonic/familial/etc.

There are too many "flavors"/dynamics within the D/s umbrella to maintain a perspective like "This is the bare minimum for a submissive". Personally, I love bratty subs - that would fall outside of the "obedience" expectation.

What does it for you about bratty subs? i've always viewed submission, generally, as willing to follow rules and do as desired (obviously with all the communication, consent, etc.). So, my head does not compute (yet, growth mindset!) the lack of obedience as something that would please the dominant one. How does that work? Hope this is OK to ask, here.

 

[emme8]

How about the bare minimum of all submission should be a desire to please their Dom?

If you don't have that desire you might just be a bottom or a masochist. Which is perfectly good too. Just be honest.

 

[PaxNurgle]

What does it for you about bratty subs? i've always viewed submission, generally, as willing to follow rules and do as desired (obviously with all the communication, consent, etc.). So, my head does not compute (yet, growth mindset!) the lack of obedience as something that would please the dominant one. How does that work? Hope this is OK to ask, here.

A couple possible reasons: one, as a masochist, a "Bratty" sub may simply be craving punishment, or two, they may begin to chafe under too many rules and expectations, and either consciously rebel, or they simply cannot keep it up.

Personally, as a sub, it isn't so much whether I do or do not enjoy corporal punishment, but rather, I have my own standards of personal conduct and would never want to compromise them, or most importantly- I would never want to deliberately piss off my partner.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

What does it for you about bratty subs? i've always viewed submission, generally, as willing to follow rules and do as desired (obviously with all the communication, consent, etc.). So, my head does not compute (yet, growth mindset!) the lack of obedience as something that would please the dominant one. How does that work? Hope this is OK to ask, here.

Some Doms really enjoy bratty behavior. Some detest it. BDSM really is a long continuum of different desires and practices. My guy tries to get me to be a brat occasionally, but I am soooo not a brat.

The folks in these threads who use adjectives like “true” and “real” to describe BDSM, PYLs, and pyls annoy me as there isn’t just one right way to do BDSM. Safe, sane, and consensual (SSC) play is what matters and Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK).

PYL - pick your label Dom type
pyl - pick your label sub type

 

[cocokittysurprise]

What does it for you about bratty subs? i've always viewed submission, generally, as willing to follow rules and do as desired (obviously with all the communication, consent, etc.). So, my head does not compute (yet, growth mindset!) the lack of obedience as something that would please the dominant one. How does that work? Hope this is OK to ask, here.

I can only speak for myself, but there is power in conflict, and conflict can lead to growth. My subs are occasionally bratty for any number of reasons: a perceived lack of attention, an enjoyment of anticipatory punishment, and sometimes, they are just in a grumpy mood.

To me, the underlying tenets of a D/s relationship aren't really that different from non-kink relationships, both romantic and/or platonic: there should be an underlying level of respect between all parties, open communication, and consent/boundary setting. There is a potential for conflict with my parents, siblings, friends, etc. - why would my D/s relationships be any different? Humans are humans, and you won't always see eye to eye.

As for the why I like bratty subs: I like putting people in their place LOL
But seriously, as I mentioned earlier, there is power in conflict, and it warms my heart that my subs feel comfortable "acting out" with me. Channeling their grievances/frustrations (whatever the origin) by being bratty allows me to "recalibrate" their behavior (which feeds my dominant nature), and also gives us an opportunity to talk through the actual reason for said behavior. Often, they need the physical correction before they are ready to talk through the mental/emotional aspects of things.

Sometimes, there are circumstances external to our dynamic that is bothering them, and talking through these things not only helps them "work through" it, it brings us even closer, because they know I don't take their vulnerability for granted.

 

[cocokittysurprise]

Some Doms really enjoy bratty behavior. Some detest it. BDSM really is a long continuum of different desires and practices. My guy tries to get me to be a brat occasionally, but I am soooo not a brat.

The folks in these threads who use adjectives like “true” and “real” to describe BDSM, PYLs, and pyls annoy me as there isn’t just one right way to do BDSM. Safe, sane, and consensual (SSC) play is what matters and Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK).

PYL - pick your label Dom type
pyl - pick your label sub type

When I see someone state that they are a "true" dom/me, I roll my eyes so far back I could probably see brain matter. The rigidity I see from some folks in the kink community confuddles me, because like you said, BDSM isn't one-size fits all, and designating something as "true" or "real" seems, quite frankly, amateurish.

 

[justyouraveragedaniel]

I can only speak for myself, but there is power in conflict, and conflict can lead to growth. My subs are occasionally bratty for any number of reasons: a perceived lack of attention, an enjoyment of anticipatory punishment, and sometimes, they are just in a grumpy mood.

To me, the underlying tenets of a D/s relationship aren't really that different from non-kink relationships, both romantic and/or platonic: there should be an underlying level of respect between all parties, open communication, and consent/boundary setting. There is a potential for conflict with my parents, siblings, friends, etc. - why would my D/s relationships be any different? Humans are humans, and you won't always see eye to eye.

As for the why I like bratty subs: I like putting people in their place LOL
But seriously, as I mentioned earlier, there is power in conflict, and it warms my heart that my subs feel comfortable "acting out" with me. Channeling their grievances/frustrations (whatever the origin) by being bratty allows me to "recalibrate" their behavior (which feeds my dominant nature), and also gives us an opportunity to talk through the actual reason for said behavior. Often, they need the physical correction before they are ready to talk through the mental/emotional aspects of things.

Sometimes, there are circumstances external to our dynamic that is bothering them, and talking through these things not only helps them "work through" it, it brings us even closer, because they know I don't take their vulnerability for granted.

Thanks for this perspective! As I learn, I really appreciate it

 

[ToPleaseHim]

When I see someone state that they are a "true" dom/me, I roll my eyes so far back I could probably see brain matter. The rigidity I see from some folks in the kink community confuddles me, because like you said, BDSM isn't one-size fits all, and designating something as "true" or "real" seems, quite frankly, amateurish.

Same here

That said, I do think some people are naturals at this. Some learn about BDSM, study it, and work at it. Others are born dominant or submissive, which doesn’t mean that they don’t have plenty to learn, especially about their partners.

My god, one of the hottest things ever said to me, during a pretty passionate moment, was “Babygirl, you were born to submit.” Not only did that jolt those amazing warm and fuzzy vibes throughout my entire body, he was pretty damn smart and knew I was likely to let him do just about anything in the moments following that. Good memories.

 

[stxjimmy]

When I see someone state that they are a "true" dom/me, I roll my eyes so far back I could probably see brain matter. The rigidity I see from some folks in the kink community confuddles me, because like you said, BDSM isn't one-size fits all, and designating something as "true" or "real" seems, quite frankly, amateurish.

Same here

That said, I do think some people are naturals at this. Some learn about BDSM, study it, and work at it. Others are born dominant or submissive, which doesn’t mean that they don’t have plenty to learn, especially about their partners.

My god, one of the hottest things ever said to me, during a pretty passionate moment, was “Babygirl, you were born to submit.” Not only did that jolt those amazing warm and fuzzy vibes throughout my entire body, he was pretty damn smart and knew I was likely to let him do just about anything in the moments following that. Good memories.

I fully agree, there’s no “true” anything, just people coming together to express part of themselves. Hopefully safely and with a receptive complementary partner.