Help needed

[Stella_Omega]

I would just like to thank the OP for the plot of my next Lit story submission. Thanks! Carry on.

P.S. She leaves the husband for the trainer at the end of the story, fyi.

They always do...

 

[Chiara_searches]

Thank you for your concern. Apparently he is not a stranger (just to me)...I don't have girl friends...rather sheltered. I think another put it well, that I may find out things I'd never considered with this "trainer". I shall see.

The fact you are sheltered is a real concern. Are you sheltered because your "master" has created a situation where you are disconnected from others? Are you isolated through his insistence or his subtle manipulations? Do you realize isolation and disconnect caused by a partner are signs of a potentially abusive relationship? I'm not saying that's what you are in; but the above with your OP makes me really concerned about you.

Again, please really read and think about what people are saying here. We are strangers. We have no vested interest in making you do something you don't want to do. We are concerned and worried about your safety.

Is your husband giving any thought to even one of your concerns?

Please be careful. It's especially scary for me that he has enough friends that he knows someone who will train you; yet you don't even have one girlfriend to whom you could turn. Being a submissive does not mean you put your safety on a back burner. That includes your physical, emotional and moral well-being.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

What does that mean???

eh eh eh ehm *clears throat* From Urban Dictionary:


1. snerk
Verb or Noun: Small sound that is emitted through the nose and mouth, usually a compressed laugh or snort. Often accompanied with a small grin, smirk, or sneer. Usually a tone of either derision, (as when someone says something you find stupid) or innocent humor. (When someone tells you a funny joke and you are busy doing something else, so a full-fledged laugh is difficult.)Nice to use behind other's backs, as when they do something inanely stupid and you can't help but laugh about it, but don't want to fall over laughing.


Holding my lunchtray in one hand and balancing my fork, I snerked as Caroline delivered the punchline of the dead baby joke.

When the girl in front of me pointed at the Mustang and said, "Oh, I like that Camaro.", I had to snerk discreetly.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

The fact you are sheltered is a real concern. ....
Please be careful. It's especially scary for me that he has enough friends that he knows someone who will train you; yet you don't even have one girlfriend to whom you could turn.

I agree, the more I read, the more I'm thinking this is a rather dangerous situation. I'm really starting to hope this is just someone looking for wank fodder or something...

 

[tufone2tame]

Too bad nobody could give you what you came here for. Unfortunately, this community seems to have more intellectuals than gutter-brains.

Perhaps YOU are, in fact, are a washout, would-be Dom, and you have utterly no idea how to control your strong willed wife; so you came here to seek an effortless, how-to-tame-your-shrew guide. Poor thing; all you got was wise, sound advice.

Some of those ideas could easily culminate into a very useful advice column for subs who are new to the lifestyle, and uncertain of where one should draw the line on their "master's" control.





Just my two sense. (pun intended)

No, you can trust that I am the wife, who right now is scared out of my mind because I don't like getting fucked in the butt....So sorry to have an opinion to all of you who think I am a fake. See, I guess I was wrong to come here to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing to show this man that I adore him and would do anything for him, except take it up the butt..But apparently that's what makes you a submissive, right....WRONG!!!! This isn't a game for me. This is my life. I don't sleep in a cage, I'm not shackled for days at a time and humiliated, and yelled at, and treated like an animal. I just feel that being submissive doesn't mean being in constant pain...I enjoy pain for pleasure...NOT pain for pains sake....Oh hell, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. THERE ISN'T AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR THIS....I'm sorry you all think this is bullshit or that I'm a fake. That was not my intention.

Don't worry. I'll be fine.

 

[Chiara_searches]

No, you can trust that I am the wife, who right now is scared out of my mind because I don't like getting fucked in the butt....So sorry to have an opinion to all of you who think I am a fake. See, I guess I was wrong to come here to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing to show this man that I adore him and would do anything for him, except take it up the butt..But apparently that's what makes you a submissive, right....WRONG!!!! This isn't a game for me. This is my life. I don't sleep in a cage, I'm not shackled for days at a time and humiliated, and yelled at, and treated like an animal. I just feel that being submissive doesn't mean being in constant pain...I enjoy pain for pleasure...NOT pain for pains sake....Oh hell, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. THERE ISN'T AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR THIS....I'm sorry you all think this is bullshit or that I'm a fake. That was not my intention.

Don't worry. I'll be fine.

The vast majority of the responses don't sound like they think you are a fake; most of them are worried about you. Frankly, you increased my worry by saying that you are scared out of your mind. Please know that you were right to seek information; sometimes people get defensive when sound advice is just brushed aside. You haven't really said what measures you are taking to protect yourself...leading people to think you really didn't want our advice in the first place.

Remember, please, please, please, you deserve to be equally adored by a man that will discuss his desires with you and listen to your concerns. It just doesn't sound like he is doing that for you and you have some of us worried.

You are absolutely right that being a submissive does not mean you should be in constant pain. You are forming the right questions...just please be open to listening to answers even when they aren't what you want to necessarily hear.

If you do not like butt sex, you do not have to submit to training.

 

[Stella_Omega]

THERE ISN'T AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR THIS

When I was starting out, there really, really weren't. And I know how scary it is.

But-- there are a lot of instruction manuals these days.
Here's a good source: http://rubelpresents.com/publications/

and another list, at amazon.com: http://astore.amazon.com/wwwpowerexcha-20

I am not making fun of you, or disbelieving you, I'm worried about your safety and happiness. And your hubby is skating on some thinnish ice, IMO.

 

[tufone2tame]

Thank you

I know that love is blind and I have an image of what a submissive is and the way I really am. I have a brain and I'm really trying to use it and not lose the only love I know.

I do know that I need to do something and this trainer person is not in my best interest...I'm getting the hint from those of you have spent time to tell me....

I just have to figure out how to save myself mentally as well as physically and I think I am more terrified of screaming the "No" that I need to do, and losing the only love I've know.

Thank you...really from the bottom of my heart. I will be fine. (I'm pretty sure.)

 

[tufone2tame]

But-- there are a lot of instruction manuals these days.
Here's a good source: http://rubelpresents.com/publications/

and another list, at amazon.com: http://astore.amazon.com/wwwpowerexcha-20

I will take the time to look at these. Thank you.[/QUOTE]

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I know that love is blind and I have an image of what a submissive is and the way I really am. I have a brain and I'm really trying to use it and not lose the only love I know.

I do know that I need to do something and this trainer person is not in my best interest...I'm getting the hint from those of you have spent time to tell me....

I just have to figure out how to save myself mentally as well as physically and I think I am more terrified of screaming the "No" that I need to do, and losing the only love I've know.

Thank you...really from the bottom of my heart. I will be fine. (I'm pretty sure.)

Tufone, I hate to sound like tough love...but if you say no, and put this stupid trainer thing down, and unwanted anal sex down as "NO", then that is YOUR RIGHT. IT is YOUR body and no matter who has the power in a relationship, no matter whether your married or not, IT IS YOUR BODY. If he refuses to accept that...he is not worth your love. That is not a healthy relationship. If one cannot respect their significant other's sincere and heartfelt "No", then you have no business controlling any single thing about them.

How can you trust if you can't say no?

I think you need to decide what's important to you...and I hope you decide that you are important to you. Your husband can be important to you too. The only one keeping you from both, it sounds to me....is him.

I really hope that you and your husband find a solution. I wouldn't want you to lose your "one true love" either. But love isn't "blind". Love is intentional. Intentional actions, intentional compassion, intentional compromise. Love is people sacrificing for each other (EACH OTHER), love is respect and trust...and love isn't pawning off someone who doesn't like anal in order to force them to have anal.

 

[Stella_Omega]

If he actually walks out on you because of buttfucking... damn. You should kick him out before he walks. There's a saying: "You break your toys you can't play with them anymore."

Your kind of submission is pretty rare, and there are a lot of men who know how to treasure it, believe me on this one.

I would also suggest that you take a look at fetlife.com. It's like facebook for pervs, and there may very well be groups and outreach in your area. Check it out. Do not be afraid to reach out locally.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I also want to point out to your husband that there is a very thin line in the public eye between BDSM and abuse, so thin that people who are legitimately consensual find themselves defending what they do against the district attorney.

If he goes ahead and does whatever this is, despite your spoken objections, then he has crossed the line. Period.

And if you end up, for instance, in hospital, he will be legally culpable. Spousal abuse is a very bad thing at this time, and DA's love cases like this because it's such good press for them.

And the BDSM community will have been given another black eye in the public mind.

 

[midwestyankee]

@tufone2tame, you were right to come here because this is one place where you could get a fair hearing for your concerns. That said, the problem you have is a relationship issue that is colored by BDSM. Let me put that just a bit differently: this is a relationship problem in which BDSM is just the surface color.

Your husband, assuming you have represented his wishes accurately - and I have no reason to believe that you're not telling the truth about this - is not living up to his responsibilities as a husband, as a dominant, or as a man.

As many have already said, you are ultimately responsible for your own health and welfare. If he will not answer your questions about this and will not calm your fears, then you have a responsibility to yourself to find some way to say NO.

Tell him that you deeply want to be the best possible submissive for him. And then tell him that only he knows what that means and what it should look like. That only he can show you what he wants from you. Tell him that your love for him, while impossibly deep and permanent, leaves you in a place where there is a hole where there ought to be an answer in his words and in his voice to this simple request: show me how to love you.

A man would answer that request.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Oh, he's already answered that one for her, Yankee: "Love being buttfucked. Now. By magic, if necessary"

 

[midwestyankee]

Oh, he's already answered that one for her, Yankee: "Love being buttfucked. Now. By magic, if necessary"

If that is truly his answer, then he does not deserve this woman.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Oh, he's already answered that one for her, Yankee: "Love being buttfucked. Now. By magic, if necessary"

god...and what shits me (hah) about that PARTICULAR detail is that...you can do serious damage with anal. Hell, you can KILL someone via sepsis if you aren't careful.

Fuck, I think it's just plain gross. If I didn't like it so much, I'd refuse to have anything to do with it.

 

[WastelandVoice]

@tufone2tame

The fact that you are admittedly "sheltered" to use your own words leads me to believe that you don't have the most healthy or accurate idea of what's going on here.

To echo what so many others have said- we are NOT trying to put you down or cause you any pain. We're trying to PREVENT it and it seems like there's a LOT of line crossing going on here that is getting blurred by the "BDSM" "Sub/Master" label.

You came to the right place to talk about these things. Many of the people who are telling you something is really dangerous and/or fishy here are IN these types of relationships and have years of experience with them. I would strongly advise listening to them.

You're right there's no real "Instruction Manual" for these things... which is what makes it all the more unusual and disturbing that a Husband/Master would send out his wife/sub to be "properly trained" by someone she had never met before when there's a multitude of definitions as to what "proper training" entails.

Remember that even if you are submissive it doesn't make your opinions or your objections any less relavant. Subs can, should, and DO set boundaries that Masters respect. It is part of the relationship.

Many people enjoy anal sex. Many people do not. Either way is fine. It can be painful. You may NEVER enjoy it no matter how hard you try. Causing you pain: REAL, hurting, non-arousing, non-sexual, painful PAIN is not what this is supposed to be about. It really isn't.

 

[HottieMama]

Ok... I'm still not convinced this isn't wank fodder, but just in case, I will give an honest opinion.

Any person who "gives" their partner to someone else for "training," doesn't deserve to have their partner in the first place. So you don't like anal, Big Fucking Deal!!! IMO, after four years of marriage, he can get the fuck over it, or just ask for a divorce. I agree with Stella that he is walking a VERY fine line at this point, and I have a feeling he is not going to end up on the right side of that line when all is said and done.

Whatever you do, PLEASE remember to take care of yourself first and foremost...not only physically but mentally/emotionally as well...

 

[CutieMouse]

No, you can trust that I am the wife, who right now is scared out of my mind because I don't like getting fucked in the butt....So sorry to have an opinion to all of you who think I am a fake. See, I guess I was wrong to come here to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing to show this man that I adore him and would do anything for him, except take it up the butt..But apparently that's what makes you a submissive, right....WRONG!!!! This isn't a game for me. This is my life. I don't sleep in a cage, I'm not shackled for days at a time and humiliated, and yelled at, and treated like an animal. I just feel that being submissive doesn't mean being in constant pain...I enjoy pain for pleasure...NOT pain for pains sake....Oh hell, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. THERE ISN'T AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR THIS....I'm sorry you all think this is bullshit or that I'm a fake. That was not my intention.

Don't worry. I'll be fine.

[Rare Glimpse into the Mouse's World]

Ya know, 10 years ago anal sex scared the shit out of me [pun intended]. There was no way in hell it was going to happen, because it was scary and painful and scary. Did I mention how scary it was? (Very similar to my first reaction when I found out about oral sex... at twenty. "Wait. But you PEE through that thing! EW!!!" Yes, I was that sheltered.)

I don't remember what made me start researching it, but I started researching it, and I now rarely have sex *without* involving anal. But ya know what? No man gets anywhere NEAR my ass until I know he's educated, empathetic, and mature enough to deserve it.

Usually, it means discussing the subject, double checking that my lover understands silicone lube is far superior to water based, that "numbing" lube is a very bad idea, and talking about the impact of desire and arousal on activities like anal sex. Given that I tend to get involved with intellectual types of men, sometimes I'll even buy the guy a copy of Anal Pleasure & Health (or loan him my own), explaining that there is actually quite a bit of psychology behind the act; thus, he would greatly benefit from educating himself on the subject.

I did that with one of The Men™ a few months ago, actually. He was curious about the psycho-emotional aspects of anal, so I handed him a copy of AP&H and asked him to read it. Because the psycho-sexual aspect of anal *for me* is that once a guy is balls deep in my ass, I will literally do anything he wants. And mean it. It has taken 10 years of work to A) love anal and B) understand my own response to it. I don't care if it's immoral, illegal, unethical or illogical... once I'm in that position I will beg, and plead, and thank a man for expecting and/or allowing me to do things I have no business agreeing to do. It's a pretty heavy responsibility, when you think about it - which is why I take it so seriously.

Even during, we communicate. I speak up if it's uncomfortable *in any way*, and because my lovers respect me (and enjoy fucking my ass LOL) - they slow down, listen, adjust, and take as long as necessary until I'm comfortable enough to enjoy myself. If it's not happening one day; it's not happening. Sometimes I have too many things on my mind, or it's been a few weeks and I'm tighter than ideal, or we need to go back to foreplay for another 20 minutes... no biggie. They both understand that not only will their patience be rewarded tenfold, but by taking their time and listening to my feedback, they ensure my physical safety - which means they'll get what they want the next time, too.

When done properly, anal sex is rarely (if ever) any more or less painful than vaginal sex. Pain is your body's communication tool - listen to it. Both of you. Your husband needs to grow the fuck up and realize that great anal takes time. Even if you do all the psychological and physical exercises in AP&H, it could still take months (if not years) to reach a point where you WANT him to fuck your ass as badly as he wants to fuck it. And every time HE pushes the issue, or HE forces himself on you (when you're not ready) - HE MAKES THE ISSUES EVEN WORSE.

[/Rare Glimpse into the Mouse's World]

 

[WastelandVoice]

Also, just to put a cap on my thoughts here. I think you'll notice that not one person on here has said "this is a great idea and a great situation: go for it!" And that's coming from people who have been in D/S relationships and from people who haven't.


You didn't come onto the church message board asking for advice- you came on an sex/erotica website. You came specifically into the BDSM section and asked a question of a group of people who are involved in the lifestyle, the practices, etc. You came here because you rightly assume that people here would have some thoughts and ideas. You came here because you wanted people with experience in the BDSM, Master/Sub lifestyle to answer a question. And those same people, the ones you came to for advice because you figured they knew what they were talking about, are all telling you that this is a very unusual, highly suspicious, potentially dangerous situation.

No one's saying you should always listen to the advice of strangers on the internet but in my experience if "everyone" is telling you the same thing then maybe "everyone" has a point.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

[Rare Glimpse into the Mouse's World]

Usually, it means discussing the subject, double checking that my lover understands silicone lube is far superior to water based, that "numbing" lube is a very bad idea,

*unrelated snip* Huh. That's actually good to know. We'd both heard that water-based lube was better to have around, and were thinking about at least trying a "number" (although it's not a lube), as I have a SINGLE SOLITARY SENSITIVE SPOT that just refuses to do what either of us want.

Well at least I've learned something today.

 

[CutieMouse]

*unrelated snip* Huh. That's actually good to know. We'd both heard that water-based lube was better to have around, and were thinking about at least trying a "number" (although it's not a lube), as I have a SINGLE SOLITARY SENSITIVE SPOT that just refuses to do what either of us want.

Well at least I've learned something today.

Water and aloe based lubes "soak into" the skin more quickly than silicone, so they "dry out" more quickly than silicone. The clerks at my local sex shop also claim that water/aloe based lubes are more prone to spreading bacterial contaminants, but I'm not 100% sure if that's a selling point or a factual thing. (I just like the feel/lasting power of silicone over water/aloe.)

Numbing gels are *always* a bad idea. Again - pain is the body's communication tool. Pain signals issues with everything from muscle tension, increased risk of tearing, lack of lubrication, emotional anxiety, to a bowel perforation. If anal sex HURTS - the people involved at doing it wrong.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Water and aloe based lubes "soak into" the skin more quickly than silicone, so they "dry out" more quickly than silicone. The clerks at my local sex shop also claim that water/aloe based lubes are more prone to spreading bacterial contaminants, but I'm not 100% sure if that's a selling point or a factual thing. (I just like the feel/lasting power of silicone over water/aloe.)

Numbing gels are *always* a bad idea. Again - pain is the body's communication tool. Pain signals issues with everything from muscle tension, increased risk of tearing, lack of lubrication, emotional anxiety, to a bowel perforation. If anal sex HURTS - the people involved at doing it wrong.

...Well la ti da doesn't that describe our "need more lube all the time" problem. Thank you, ma'am, for your wisdom *bow*

 

[Chaingun]

Despite what I (and others) originally said/thought, it does appear that you may be genuine, so if my post came off as rude to you, I apologize.

But the biggest thing that I can't get over is that he wants to send you to someone else. If he is unable to "train" you for what he wants, then he is also most likely thoroughly incapable of elaborating to this other "Dom" what he wants back from him once he's done "training" you. So, how again does you submitting to another prepare you to be the perfect sub for your husband?

Huge gaps in communication here. From him especially since he can't "train" his own sub and therefore--in my mind--he's definitely not able to explain thoroughly to his "friend" what it is he expects after the return of this "loan," let alone explain to you what is is he wants from you well enough that you actually know what is expected from your submission other than that you should enjoy something that you're terrified of. We're afraid for you and rightly so. I feel that you definitely need a friend, a confidant that will listen and offer suggestions and advice to you. You don't have to be completely alone in this. Surely, there is a woman somewhere in your life that you can reach out to.



Sounds like he doesn't understand that your submission is a gift--a pretty big one--and that he needs to be respectful and honor that gift, lest he lose it.

And personally, I believe as others have said, he is using the BDSM lifestyle as a cover up for a borderline abusive personality.

 

[subme01]

Reading the OP terrified me. Sweetheart, I'm really concerned for you. I can't claim the huge background of knowledge and experience that some of the other posters on here have, but for me two of the most important things for a D/s relationship are COMMUNICATION and RESPECT and both of these things are two-way.

When I first started with my Dom, we talked A LOT about what submission means to me, what my turn ons/offs are and I wrote him a list of things I was happy with/eager to try and soft and hard limits (things I may be persuaded to do though I'm not totally keen, and things I would definitely NOT do). He respects my hard limits, even though he really likes one of the things on there. He realises that my desire to submit to him is special and he doesn't take it for granted. When we've played, particularly if we've done something new, he asks me how I felt afterwards, not just physically but psychologically too and if I've not responded positively or I have concerns, we TALK about it.

I know none of us can see inside your relationship; we only have what you've said and that may not be a true reflection, but it seems that he's lacking some of the essential qualities of a good Dom, those listed above, and significantly, EMPATHY with you and concern for your wellbeing.

Any good Dom would treat your submission as a very precious and personal gift. From your posts, I don't believe your husband does. He doesn't communicate with you, doesn't allow you to question him, doesn't consider your feelings or your physical or emotional safety.

I'm also concerned about your isolation. Think carefully, has this resulted from your relationship with your husband? Why? My suspicion would be that he doesn't want you to have people that you trust to flag up concerns about your relationship. That's a trait/potential indicator of an abusive partner.

As for being sent out for training, I've only ever heard of that in Pauline Regan's 'O', which is a work of fiction that SHE wrote as a gift for her Master. As such, she was the one in control of the story and it was written for him to enjoy, not to reenact.

You have VERY LEGITIMATE concerns about what your husband is proposing and if he is not willing to discuss it with you and NEGOTIATE in frank and open discussions between all three of you, then I'd refuse. If he refuses to respond to your concerns and will not allow you to have a say, then you need some distance and perspective. Of course you love your husband, but you have to love yourself more, even if that means a bit of time spent staying with a relative so that you can breathe and think about who YOU are and what YOU want. This is NOT a failure of submission. It's not even about a D/s relationship. Any marriage will not work if the partners cannot communicate with one another and show eachother care and respect.

If you would like to talk to someone less publicly than the forum, please feel free to pm me.