Help: D/s play not feeling real enough

[welkin]

It's been a while since I've last been here, so I hope eveyone's doing well. I'm having trouble with my D/s relationships and I hope people can help me out here.

I'm playing with a few men who are or can be dominant, but consistently I feel like I'm not getting the D/s fix I crave. And I fear that it's because they are so kind to me that their acts in the bedroom don't seem "real enough". Whenever they do something -- be it calling me dirty names or spanking me, I can't help but think that they are doing so only to please me, and that's a major turn-off. (I should add that I met these men through more vanilla ways, i.e. dating site, so the sex has only become D/s-ish only after I let them know it's ok. Had they taken the initiative, maybe then I would be more convinced that it's something they like intrinsically.)

There was one man who was really selfish, and ironically I enjoyed the sex with him the most because I knew he was doing what he liked. But this also makes me worry whether I'm actually emotionally masochistic and therefore cannot appreciate the men who are kind to me. It's like a dilemma where I want the men to want to be nice to me, but at the same time not to give much care to what I want.

I guess as with everything else, communication is the key here... I just find it difficult, if the men want to make me happy, would they pretend to like D/s more than they actually do? How do you really know?

 

[CutieMouse]

It's been a while since I've last been here, so I hope eveyone's doing well. I'm having trouble with my D/s relationships and I hope people can help me out here.

I'm playing with a few men who are or can be dominant, but consistently I feel like I'm not getting the D/s fix I crave. And I fear that it's because they are so kind to me that their acts in the bedroom don't seem "real enough". Whenever they do something -- be it calling me dirty names or spanking me, I can't help but think that they are doing so only to please me, and that's a major turn-off. (I should add that I met these men through more vanilla ways, i.e. dating site, so the sex has only become D/s-ish only after I let them know it's ok. Had they taken the initiative, maybe then I would be more convinced that it's something they like intrinsically.)

There was one man who was really selfish, and ironically I enjoyed the sex with him the most because I knew he was doing what he liked. But this also makes me worry whether I'm actually emotionally masochistic and therefore cannot appreciate the men who are kind to me. It's like a dilemma where I want the men to want to be nice to me, but at the same time not to give much care to what I want.

I guess as with everything else, communication is the key here... I just find it difficult, if the men want to make me happy, would they pretend to like D/s more than they actually do? How do you really know?

Given that society as a whole tends to send men the message that "hurting" a woman is wrong, or that "violent" sex = rape... in my experience most men do tend to tread softy until given the green light.

I'd suggest that if they seem to be enjoying it; they're enjoying it.

Ultimately, the solution to your issue lies within. The "internal work" I'd suggest for you, would be to find the beauty in the dichotomy. My current lover refers to it as a "package deal". The reason the fabulously violent sex works for us, is because of the other stuff - my ability to hold my own in a debate, my need for giggles and snuggles [in addition to sex], the mentoring/encouraging role he plays in my life, etc.

 

[StrayKat]

I had men in my life pretending to like something for my sake and I always knew it was not "it". Personally it cools me off completely. Big part of my enjoyment is knowing that other person enjoys that same thing just as much.
I was never sure if it was me though, until I just recently met one person. Then I knew. It is not a matter of getting a hard on on hurting me, which he does, it is the entire attitude, the way he talks and moves. He is not unkind, on the contrary, always doing his best to respect my wishes even when I am just in a bitchy mood, trying to make me laugh and making sure I enjoy myself. Still that "thing" is there and its very obvious.

So what I am trying to say, not making lot of sense at this time of night , is...... you will know once you meet the right guy.

 

[His_pet_slut]

If they are only doing it to 'please' you, I do think you just somehow know. For me, that ended up angering me and I fought it in a not very nice manner. It was sad. Especially since the person was my spouse.

Since then I have been with Dom's that it was real with and it is a distinctly different feel. One was not the greatest sex I have ever had, but oh my lord, could he push my sub buttons. He was also a person I clicked with on an intellectual level and he never hesitated to 'take care' of me as I came back down to earth afterwards.

With M~ I have that wonderful combination of having all my sub buttons pushed AND fabulous sex, plus outside of that part of things he finds me funny & charming. Lucky me...

Like StrayKat said, when it's right, I think you just know it.