Heaven and Hell

[Guest]

. . .

 

[Alessia Brio]

 

[CharleyH]

Then a wonderful woman invited me to chat on Yahoo. For weeks we chatted hours on end about all manner of topics. We were both in situations that were bad, but we made each other feel better about ourselves.

And I fell in love.

And it grew stronger every day.

Suddenly I had a direction. A purpose. And everything I did was toward that goal. I found a job and though I hated it, I kept at it. Because I needed that job for her, I needed to be able to afford a place to live so that I could get her out of the hell she was in and make my own version of heaven here with her.

So for those of you who have thought to tell me to go to hell, today you get your wish.

I’m already there.

Dran? You made your own decisions, got your own strength back up, albeit you think through another, but its yours. You have direction because it is yours to do with what you will, its not on anyone, its you who made these decisions about you - for you. And? You can still make them every day. We are all hurt everyday, and sure it feels like hell, but it also means you needed this in life, needed it to get where you will go and meet someone who will never make you feel like you needed something and who you will never need to want from simply because it is .... love and pain is a process right now to getting what you "really" need and deserve? I know the words are not much consolation, but in a way? They are true.

 

[3113]

The internet is a very inadequate place when it comes to offering sympathy or condolences. Words don't replace a human touch, a shoulder to cry on. But, speaking for the Angels, if I may, we're sorry for the human frailities that kept her friends silent, sorry that she kept her feelings and intent a secret from you, and, most of all, sorry for whatever it was made her need to leave you.

It's shitty now. And it's going to be that way for a long while. But things will get better. Hell is not forever, at least not on Earth.

 

[Belegon]

Dran:

I know what your motivation was and I understand what you're going through...I've had some rough times over the years, and a couple of those times parrallel your situation quite strongly.

Regardless of whether the positive changes you have made are shared with her, it is good they were made. I know that hardly helps at this point. But it is indeed, as was already said, the truth.

I know that guys getting all emotional ain't you're style my man, so I'll gladly beely up to the bar with ya, buy your drinks, and make sure you get home alright. That and the knowledge that you too can make it through the hard times are all I can offer.

Here buddy, have a beer...

 

[Guest]

.....

 

[MissBri]

 

[Halo_n_horns]

So for those of you who have thought to tell me to go to hell, today you get your wish.

I’m already there.

You're not in hell. You're in life, and you're living it. Hell would give you no such opportunity.

 

[Samandiriel]

I'm one of Hell's leading ambassadors. I have semi permanent residence there and I've left your picture at the gates, I've told them you are not allowed in....not that I don't love the company, it's not your place to be here.

Sometimes just traveling on the road to perdition is fun...it's the journey and who you meet along the way that makes the time go by nicely.

 

[Guest]

 

[rgraham666]

Been there, Dran. It's not fun, but it will pass.

Good on you for the changes you made.

 

[minsue]

You're a better man than I, Gunga Din.

 

[Aurora Black]

All this will pass, Dran. I know it doesn't feel that way, but eventually it will pass.

 

[FallingToFly]

Dran:

My sympathies... I realize Hell can be a rough neighborhood, but...

...take a left, go up three blocks, hang a right at the fourth wrought iron security gate and come on upstairs. I'll make you dinner and we can have a couple bottles of wine. Once you move uptown, the company is much more bearable.

Falling.

 

[SensualCealy]

Hey Dran,

I know its hard to take when you are so tied up with emotion but think of it this way, not only did you drive yourself to get 'a' job, a place to live and a will power to do what every it takes.

Now even though its tough to get over a loss, think of the stuff you gained over the last year. Strength to do what needs to be done, goal setting, and the drive to make things happen.

After you put in the time you need to get over the love you had for this woman, turn it around and love yourself. Make 'YOU' the most important person to take care of.

Why I say this is because Im doing just that. Luckily enough I have backing, but I decided Im going back to school for ME and Me alone. Subtly I have left things to others to take care of. Leaving decisions up to Hubby that I know he doesnt need me to make. Making the kids do more for themselves. And my biggest one, I have decided I am no longer a doormat!

You will do fine, you have the currage and strength, it only takes time.
Now to heck with the beer, wheres the tequila?
C

 

[dr_mabeuse]

No words of wisdom, no pat solutions. Just my heartfelt sympathy and wishes for the strength to get through it, Dran.

--Zoot

 

[TxRad]

Heaven or Hell

What day of the week is it? For that matter, what hour of the day?

Love can make you and love can break you. Facts of life. It's what you do in either case that matters in the end. One is easy and one is hard. actually both are hard but just in different ways. Everything happens for a reason even if you don't know it at the time. All you can do is make the most of it... You never know whats around the next corner or over the next hill....

At my age, I know how ya feel and I feel for ya... Hang in there, it'll get better..... been ther and done that....

 

[Selena_Kitt]

unpopular opinion coming... grab the torch and pitchforks...

I don't know you very well, Dran... and I'm sorry for what happened...

but maybe...

(and I agree with Charley, above, for the most part too)

this can serve to show you that basing your life, your purpose, on someone else...

is destined to end badly.

You do have a purpose--and it isn't her. Your purpose is in you. Find it.

Life is so short. Grieve what you've lost, but find what you have, too. You haven't lost yourself--the essence of who you are at your core. Find that small, still voice inside underneath the wailing and tears, and listen to it. It will guide you home.

And I truly believe that if you do, you will find what feels now to be such a lack.

Good luck to you, Dran. And welcome home, here, too...

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

What she said (Selena and Charlie), plus this, which is always good to remember even though it is only indirectly relevent to your loss:

Your purpose in life is your own happiness.

One other item: Later in life most people regret the things they have not done much more than things they did do. With regard to taking the risks involved in seeking love, the following poem says it all for me.

From Spoon River Anthology, by Edgar Lee Masters. Thoughts from the graves of those in a cemetery in rural Illinois. 1916.

George Gray

I HAVE studied many times
The marble which was chiseled for me—
A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor.
In truth it pictures not my destination
But my life.
For love was offered me and I shrank from its disillusionment;
Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid;
Ambition called to me, but I dreaded the chances.
Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life.
And now I know that we must lift the sail
And catch the winds of destiny
Wherever they drive the boat.
To put meaning in one’s life may end in madness,
But life without meaning is the torture
Of restlessness and vague desire—
It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid.


Congratulations on having the courage to leave the harbor. Sorry to hear you've encountered stormy weather. Hoping smooth seas and fair winds follow soon for you.

 

[scheherazade_79]

Chin up, Dran

I'm not a religious person, but I've always believed that heaven and hell are states that exist in life, rather than after it.

The lesson you can take from that is that neither is eternal. You might get times when you're close to breaking point, but you keep breathing, your heart keeps on beating, and eventually, always in the end, you'll crawl out of that infernal pit.

Bear in mind you're always a hundred times tougher than you think you are

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

The pain of rejection by one that you care about? Far too familiar. Fortunately, my own pain is distant, ancient history (3 years in the past). So I can console you with yours. Feel free to drink, but don't rely on liquor to drown the pain. It never does. At the risk of sounding cliche, the key is to keep going and open yourself to new love. Time will heal it eventually. Make time for yourself for a little bit, however. You need to realize that yourself is enough, not matter how great any woman is. Like the others said, be your owm motive.

I really can empathize. Like you, I don't blame the girl for not feeling the same way or choosing to be with me. I still think highly of her. I just accepted that I am enough, and eventually got back onto the market. The only difference was that she told me no from the outset, so the only thing keeping me from looking to love again was myself.

Chin up. You're stronger than you realize, and you WILL make it out of Limbo, which is where you are now. Not Hell. Not even Purgatory. Limbo. (I'm not Catholic, either, but since we're using Catholic metaphors.)

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

"Hell", I think, is a better way of describing the situation than not--for meaning, rather than reality. It conveys, and seems to do so accurately, a lack and a torment and a willful regret of position. It isn't a joke. It isn't light or best served by being used as a means of self-eggrandizement.

Good luck, Dran. There really is more to life than this, hope you get more of those things.

 

[Sex and Death]

If a man makes a woman his purpose for living she will not respect him and she will do what this woman did to you in some way, shape or form. A woman will never trust a man like you. You can't even direct your own life, what makes you think she'll feel safe enough with you to trust you with her life?

How many times are you going to do this in your life before you grow up...haven't you done this same thing over and over again?

Do you want to continue having the life you have now?

No, you don't. But that's what will happen if you keep looking for something outside yourself...a woman, the internet, drugs or alcohol, writing stories, wacking off, playing pet dragon...to escape the pain of not knowing who you are and what the hell your supposed to be doing while you're here in this world.

The pain of being treated like a pathetic loser, a boy, by this woman as she runs from man to man, only to find that she has the same problems with each man because she hates herself down deep, is a real and burning pain. But it's not the worst pain by far, is it? There's a far deeper pain, isn't there?

The real pain is knowing that you have a fire in your heart and in your gut and in your balls, some great thing that you know you need to give to the world before you die in order to feel complete in your life, and feeling afraid that you don't measure up, that you don't have what it takes to find that purpose and mission and make it happen in the world. Isn't that right, doesn't that hit home, can't you feel the truth of that knock the wind out of you like a ton of bricks in the chest?

When you were about 13-15, you were ready weren't you? You were on fire, right? You didn't know it at that time, but you were waiting for someone to show you that you have a fire to build for the world, for your woman, for your children. Something only you could give, from your soul and from your heart. You were waiting for a man who knew to come along and help you see who you are and what your purpose and mission in this life is. But it didn't happen did it? And you stamped out that fire to nothing but embers, and you hid it, and you forgot about it.

If this hits home and you want that fire back, PM me. I have two links for you. Stand up. You're not dead yet. You'll do it if you want a woman to open her real heart to you and trust you with it. Forget about what other people reading this might say or think. It's time to wake up. And for chrissake, quit whining!

If you didn't have what it takes I wouldn't be wasting my time on you.

S&D

In the early 80s the Catholic Church somewhat publicly announced that their concept of hell as a pit of burning brimstone ruled by a horrific manlike creature with red skin, horns and a tail, wielding a pitchfork were… Well, let’s just say they were not the truth. They now say that hell is rather a total absence of God. No light or warmth from the light of God. An emptiness that is unfathomable.

While I still do not believe in Jehovah, Yahweh, Allah, or that god by any other name, I do understand what the Catholic Diocese were getting at.

A little over two years ago my whole life had crashed and burned. I was picking up the pieces but really had no direction. No purpose. No reason to go on aside from the simple fact that there was nothing else I could do. But I really didn’t care anymore.

A friend who had read some of my stories, both erotic and non, sent me a link to this site. I looked and poked around for a week and worked up the guts to submit a couple of stories. Looking back I realize now that they weren’t really all that great, but they were accepted and people were reading them and seemed to like them. I wrote a couple more and had similar results.

Meanwhile I began posting on the boards here, quickly learning that the GB was not the place for me. Nor was Story Feedback or Story Ideas. I settled here in the AH and got a bit of an ego boost from flirting with the girls. Things were looking better but I still felt no sense of direction.

Then a wonderful woman invited me to chat on Yahoo. For weeks we chatted hours on end about all manner of topics. We were both in situations that were bad, but we made each other feel better about ourselves.

And I fell in love.

And it grew stronger every day.

Suddenly I had a direction. A purpose. And everything I did was toward that goal. I found a job and though I hated it, I kept at it. Because I needed that job for her, I needed to be able to afford a place to live so that I could get her out of the hell she was in and make my own version of heaven here with her. I moved into an apartment that would be cramped but livable for a while once she got here. My happiness grew daily and I began to believe that sometime very soon we would be together at last and my life would be meaningful.

So you see, she literally created my world. Gave me life and sustained me as I tried my damndest to be as much for her. Worshiped her? Yes. I lived for her and she was my only reason for doing so. She became my Goddess, on every level.

But I also knew I was not perfect. I had told her several times that if she did not love me and did not want to be with me then all she had to do was tell me and she was free to go. I never wanted her to feel trapped in a relationship that she was not happy being in. But she assured me that she did love me and wanted to be with me.

And then she was gone.

Not a word to me that she was going. And worse made her friends swear not to tell me. I understand this now and I forgive them. They were merely abiding by their friends wish. I know she did this to try and save me the pain of saying good-bye. She didn’t understand that the pain of not knowing was worse than any good-bye could have ever been.

An absence of God? Yes. I understand that completely. My whole world, the one she created, is gone and I am left with nothing. Anguish, despair, torture? Those words do not begin to describe what I feel. Utter and total loss is the best I can come up with.

Don’t worry, I have lived through loss of this magnitude before. I would have died for her, but I am not going to die over her

Understand, though, I do still love her. And if she were to ask I would have her back. No explanations necessary, no need for forgiveness. Just give me back the light of her love.

So for those of you who have thought to tell me to go to hell, today you get your wish.

I’m already there.

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

If a man makes a woman his purpose for living she will not respect him and she will do what this woman did to you in some way, shape or form. A woman will never trust a man like you. You can't even direct your own life, what makes you think she'll feel safe enough with you to trust you with her life?

How many times are you going to do this in your life before you grow up...haven't you done this same thing over and over again?

Do you want to continue having the life you have now?

No, you don't. But that's what will happen if you keep looking for something outside yourself...a woman, the internet, drugs or alcohol, writing stories, wacking off, playing pet dragon...to escape the pain of not knowing who you are and what the hell your supposed to be doing while you're here in this world.

The pain of being treated like a pathetic loser, a boy, by this woman as she runs from man to man, only to find that she has the same problems with each man because she hates herself down deep, is a real and burning pain. But it's not the worst pain by far, is it? There's a far deeper pain, isn't there?

The real pain is knowing that you have a fire in your heart and in your gut and in your balls, some great thing that you know you need to give to the world before you die in order to feel complete in your life, and feeling afraid that you don't measure up, that you don't have what it takes to find that purpose and mission and make it happen in the world. Isn't that right, doesn't that hit home, can't you feel the truth of that knock the wind out of you like a ton of bricks in the chest?

When you were about 13-15, you were ready weren't you? You were on fire, right? You didn't know it at that time, but you were waiting for someone to show you that you have a fire to build for the world, for your woman, for your children. Something only you could give, from your soul and from your heart. You were waiting for a man who knew to come along and help you see who you are and what your purpose and misison in this life is. But it didn't happen did it? And you stamped out that fire to nothing but embers, and you hid it, and you forgot about it.

If this hits home and you want that fire back, PM me. I have two links for you. Stand up. You're not dead yet. You'll do it if you want a woman to open her real heart to you and trust you with it. Forget about what other people reading this might say or think. it's time to wake up. And for chrissake, quit whining!

If you didn't have what it takes I wouldn't be wasting my time on you.

S&D

Wow. Well-done.

 

[AngeloMichael]

If a man makes a woman his purpose for living she will not respect him and she will do what this woman did to you in some way, shape or form. A woman will never trust a man like you. You can't even direct your own life, what makes you think she'll feel safe enough with you to trust you with her life?

How many times are you going to do this in your life before you grow up...haven't you done this same thing over and over again?

Do you want to continue having the life you have now?

No, you don't. But that's what will happen if you keep looking for something outside yourself...a woman, the internet, drugs or alcohol, writing stories, wacking off, playing pet dragon...to escape the pain of not knowing who you are and what the hell your supposed to be doing while you're here in this world.

The pain of being treated like a pathetic loser, a boy, by this woman as she runs from man to man, only to find that she has the same problems with each man because she hates herself down deep, is a real and burning pain. But it's not the worst pain by far, is it? There's a far deeper pain, isn't there?

The real pain is knowing that you have a fire in your heart and in your gut and in your balls, some great thing that you know you need to give to the world before you die in order to feel complete in your life, and feeling afraid that you don't measure up, that you don't have what it takes to find that purpose and mission and make it happen in the world. Isn't that right, doesn't that hit home, can't you feel the truth of that knock the wind out of you like a ton of bricks in the chest?

When you were about 13-15, you were ready weren't you? You were on fire, right? You didn't know it at that time, but you were waiting for someone to show you that you have a fire to build for the world, for your woman, for your children. Something only you could give, from your soul and from your heart. You were waiting for a man who knew to come along and help you see who you are and what your purpose and mission in this life is. But it didn't happen did it? And you stamped out that fire to nothing but embers, and you hid it, and you forgot about it.

If this hits home and you want that fire back, PM me. I have two links for you. Stand up. You're not dead yet. You'll do it if you want a woman to open her real heart to you and trust you with it. Forget about what other people reading this might say or think. It's time to wake up. And for chrissake, quit whining!

If you didn't have what it takes I wouldn't be wasting my time on you.

S&D

Wow, using someone's heartache, pain, and insecurity to recruit for your religion. That's class.