Have you been abused in the name of "traditional marriage"

[Pure]

Have you been abused in the name of "traditional marriage" or straight (ordinary m/f) relationships' that don't have kink or bdsm in them.

I ask because it may well be that a number of persons into 'kink' and bdsm went to that practice or community AFTER being abused in ordinary relationship. And, I will hypothesize that many thus reduced the violence suffered.

Since LanceManyon never does any presenting of facts and figures, I'll not bother here, but just cite pretty well known facts.

There are reasons too numerous to list about links of traditional marriage to violence. Many countries had laws, until say 40 years ago that gave the husband a right to hit the wife. Forcing sex on a wife was not considered a crime in those times (before latter 20th century), and 'spousal rape' does not exist as a concept in many countries today.

Statistically, of course, the greatest amount of serious spousal violence is in longterm heterosexual relationships and marriages.

The male privilege in most marriages is arguably responsible for the fact that in many countries, husbands killing wives thought to be unfaithful are never prosecuted. (Indeed, as in recent TV documentaries, fathers and brothers killing daughter (sisters) thought not to be virgins is regarded as restoring the family honor.)

Statistically then one would want to compare, say deaths in traditional (straight) marriages with deaths in BDSM practitioners' longer term (legal consensual) arrangements including marriage.

Assume for the sake of argument that there are 20 times as many 'straight' (vanilla) marriages as those longterm arrangements with strong bdsm elements. I hypothesize that the deaths from partner in the straight situations is more than 20 times the deaths in (legal, consensual) bdsm arrangements.

 

[Quint]

Nope, have not physically abused in nilla relationships, although I'm still young yet. (That was a joke.) And the emotional abuse I went through was nothing a million teens never experience--I just had too many expectations and too flaky of a lover to fulfill them.

I turned to kink and BDSM out of boredom with nilla sex. Ever since I found out about sex I wanted to know what sorts of things could be done with it. I was jaded early on and it's hard for me to get excited anymore--reading anything in "Erotic Couplings" certainly won't do it for me. No abuse.

Just wanted to be one statistic in this informal survey, since if only people who HAVE been abused answer, this won't be a particularly representative thread. o)

 

[lark sparrow]

No to this one as well.

No heterosexual, marriage or romantic, experience at all.

No childhood or adult relationships that would be considered abusive. (Well, except by our savior and sheppard, lancemanyon, but who asked him anyhow?)

 

[Red Menace]

Well, I wasn't married, but it was within the safety of a vanilla relationship that I was thrown into a wall opening up a large gash in my head that bled profusely and probably should have had stitches, as well as a lovely bruise on the back of my knee (no idea how that happened) that caused me to not be able to walk for the next three days. I was forced by the police who showed up a little while later to go to the hospital despite my protests that I didn't want or need to, couldn't afford it and had no way to get home.

Funny... in my experiences with BDSM I've never been that badly injured. I was always able to walk the next day (okay, sitting is a bit of a challenge sometimes) and I have the comfort of knowing Sir is a certified EMT and would never, ever strike me in anger. In his 20+ years of playing, he has never had to take anyone to the hospital, but if something were to happen that was beyond the care he is able to administer, he would take complete responsibility for any repercussions, be they financial, emotional or legal.

 

[Justina123]

Quint said:

I turned to kink and BDSM out of boredom with nilla sex.

Ditto here. No abuse ever, unless you count 18 years of marriage to someone who had no sexual imagination abuse....

-justina

 

[Richard49]

I was physcially abused at home and at school as a child.

As an adult in nilla relationships and BDSM ones I have been emotionally and finaincially abused.

In order for abuse to be on going the abuser has to have a "hammer" to hold over the abusee's head.

As a child everyone was bigger then me. Though I have to admit I fought back. It actually helped me to be a fighter not only physically but also as a survivor.

As an adult ... the "hammer/trigger" was abadonment issues. The threat of being left behind/alone.

Also ignorance helps to allow abuse. If you do not know that it is not accpetable behavor you accept it.

What is abuse?

It is at lest non concensual behavor that exists under threat

Well this is my 2 cents

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I've been the victim of emotional abuse in a BDSM relationship...but that was not focused on me so much as a wounded person hurting everyone around her. She was the type who gives BDSM a bad name.

In 'normal' relationships, the abuse has been more focused, more directed, and much more brutal. I've noticed that 'nilla people hurt each other emotionally much more than the 'deviant' crowd. Maybe, it is because we have greater self-knowledge, maybe because trust, respect, and care for the other person are so pronounced in BDSM relationships. The people in this lifestyle know that they have to WORK to make things work, while the 'normal' crowd thinks that it should happen like in a fairy tale.

 

[Chicklet]

i was interested in bdsm before i knew what it was called. it so happens that the first person who introduced me to it also happened to be abusive, both physically and mentally. since i didn't know squat about bdsm i didn't know that it wasn't just play. that's my experience. it didn't turn me off kink, thankfully, but it sort of gave me an awkward start.

Chicklet

 

[Ms_Lilith]

I've never been married, but I discovered my BDSM side in two stages. Both after some serious abuse.

I lost my virginity to rape... to my ex-fiance. And after that, my self-worth went down the toilet, but I found that the rougher sex, the sex where he ordered me to do something was good and enjoyable (I was stupid, and stayed with him for some time after the rape... ). Maybe it was because I had been waiting for marriage, and when someone so much larger than me ordered me to do something, saying no wasn't an option, so the control left my hands at that point. I'm not sure. I enjoyed the kinkier, more submissive roles in the bedroom.

Then I was brutally raped by someone else after I broke up with my ex-fiance. It was by a guy I'd been dating for a while, and he just refused to take no for an answer (we'd been sexually active together for a while, and that night I was drunk. I don't have sex when I'm drunk, for reasons just like this one.) Anyway, after the rape, I didn't quite know what to do...

Then I found Lit about a year later... and started reading BDSM and non-consent stories. They soothed me and they made things feel better.

And then my journey into BDSM really began. Started reading, started asking questions.

At this point, I've figured out that my reasons for enjoying BDSM aren't those reasons I originally had... I've given a great deal of thought to my roles in BDSM, and to why I enjoy those roles, and if you've read my "Confession of a sub in learning" thread, you understand that my reasons for enjoying the lifestyle are reasons that go WAY WAY back before either rape.... those rapes served, for me, as a stepping stone, a push in this direction, but it is a direction that, after much healing, I still enjoy being pointed toward.

So yeah... violence in heterosexual relationships led me to this point.

 

[Pure]

That's a compelling story vixen she, Thanks for posting it here
(hadn't seen it on the other thread).

What are you writing these days?

Best,
J.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

That's a compelling story vixen she, Thanks for posting it here
(hadn't seen it on the other thread).

What are you writing these days?

Best,
J.

what am I writing? *smirk* papers, mostly. Wrote one on Epic style in Satiric poetry last week, and another on depictions of the elderly in ancient Roman art. Right now working on a paper on the role of Cleisthenes' reforms and how they contributed to the development of democracy in ancient Greece.

I used to write about my life, and I used to write poetry... don't do much of it anymore.