First post... so be gentle 
I need some advice on how to handle a situation I have found myself in and have seen some great stuff on here so hope someone can help me out. This is a little long but it is complicated...
I have a female friend who I work with (or, more accurately for). I started working with her about a year ago and I liked her instantly: smart, funny, clever etc. But I din't think much of it because I'm a very average guy and I was more than content to have her as a friend. Without going into detail, it was not the kind of friendship where we saw each other very often; just every now and again as we worked in different areas of the building.
About 5 months ago, she came to work in the same place as me and we developed a really strong friendship. We talked a lot and found we shared a lot of common interests and have had similar problems in our personal lives (depression etc). By our own admission, we shared information that we hadn't told anyone else. When she had cause to cry because of something that happened at work, she was enormously appreciative of me taking the time to look after her and that no-one else put up with her when she broke down like that. But we were very much friends and, again, I was fine with that. She also talked alot about bad relationships in the past and how she finds it distressing that there didn't seem like there was any prospect of her getting a "good man". She has a number of confidence issues surrounding her appearance as she is not necessarily petit (but not big either) and I constantly told her she was crazy to doubt herself, i.e. "I think you're beautiful even if no-one else does". All genuinely sincere and true and no attempts at manouvering on my part. As I have said to her on numerous occasions, I really do just want her to be happy and have a smile on her face.
Anyway, at her suggestion we spent an evening at the cinema after work and a week later we went to a concert at my suggestion- like I said, we have a lot in common. I said I would get her the tickets and she could o with someone else but she said there was no-one she would rather go with. Again, still as friends and no suggestion that anything was going to happen but it started to become tough for me to suppress how strongly I felt about her. Ridiculously, we were having a drink before the concert and I realised how I felt when her hair caught on her eyelash and I brushed it back. It just hit me but I didn't do anything about it. Yeah, I know. Hopeless. But it was difficult: when you are friends with someone, particularly someone you work with, you have to be sure before doing anything to act on something like that because you don't want to mess up. And I wasn't too sure how she felt: the very personal nature of conversations we had made me think maybe; the fact she had once brushed her hand down my backside (albeit she had had a few drinks) made me think maybe; the fact she helped me with a few personal issues made me think maybe; the fact we exchanged buckets of txts virtually every day- sometimes up until 1am, made me think maybe; the fact that she had joked about someone suggested we should get married made me think maybe; the fact she invited me to her flat whenever (I've never been) made me think maybe; the fact she joked about being seen with a "nice young man" made me think maybe (I'm 26, she is 29 and most of her boyfriends have been a few years older than her). That's alot of maybes but it was very difficult to put it altogether!
Time ticks on a little bit and everything is good but I'm still thinking about all those maybes- I'm not very decisive:-( And then... I send her a txt at the weekend to see how she is and she said she is getting home from night before:-( Took a while to get it out of her but she had "spent the night" with a guy from work (after a drinks do I didn't attend) but said she felt distressed as she didn't think it would lead to anything. As you can imagine, that was very hard to hear, particularly when she began to say how it had been "really great"- Mr G would be impressed shall we say! I was genuinely pleased for her because I want her to be happy but it was difficult to hear particularly as she began to ask my opinion on what she should do next. She said they had been flirting for a while. I gave her some good advice but it was at that point, and can you imagine a more pathetic time to choose to say it, that I told her how I felt about her and that it was really difficult for me to hear that/give her advice for that reason.
The reaction surprised me. It was along the lines of "I bet you've been thinking about that for a long time", "I hadn't thought about it so don't expect an instantaneous answer", "it took me a year to answer someone once", and "I didn't think about so-and-so the other night". Now, I'm no expert but that didn't sound too promising to me and I emphasised why I had taken so long, i.e. her friendship is enormously important to me and I didn't know how she felt. I also didn't want her to interpret anything I had done for her in the past as insincere. In fairness, there and then I was in no doubt my feelings were unreciprocated and said didn't really expect a response; it was just something I felt I should say because it was unfair on both of us not to. Anyway, cards were on the table
Unfortunately, things have changed a little since then. We still spoke frequently at first, pretty much as before, but things have gone really downhill in the last month. I was quite keen to re-establish our friendship so suggested going to theatre one evening (another thing we have in common) but she made lots of excuses about how she couldn't go- one of which was she felt "unsocialable" at the moment, although I know she went to the pub quite a few times in that period.Not too sure whether she is still seeing this other guy; if she is then it is pretty casual but I think they may have spent a couple of nights together since the chat we had. But she hasn't said and I'm not about to ask. She was ill recently and wouldn't tell me what it was- a definite change from previous months when she had shared some of the problems she had been having. I sent her some flowers as I was worried about her but she didn't even acknowledge it. I also asked her whether I should try to get her some tickets for something I knew she wanted to go to- she reluctantly agreed and I got hold of them (at considerable expense to myself). I told her I was happy to get them for her as a gift but wouldn't be able to go myself (which had been the original intention but I just didn't want her to feel awkward about having to go with me) so she would be able to ask whoever she wanted to go (she could have said me but didn't!). We had a bit of an argument about me paying for the tickets as it was an affront to her independence; I said it was fine with me as I just wanted to do something nice for her that if she decided not to go then that was okay but it shouldn't be because I had got them for her. She didn't go.
And now we don't really speak at work and she won't respond to txts I have sent her. Have sent a txt or e-mail each of the previous three weekends but no response- and this from someone who previously had responded pretty much instantaneously in the past. Now nothing and I've just asking her how she is really and apologising if I've done something wrong. But just doesn't respond, although will sometimes acknowledge on Monday morning.
So what should I do? It seems I have lost her as a friend, which I find enormously upsetting, without even mentioning having her as anything more romantic. It seems categorical to me but I guess I'm being told not to contact her outside of work. Is there anyway I can rectify this? What have I done wrong? I'm very confused.
If you've read all of this then I applaud you
It's a bit of a marathon but I'll try to be more succinct in the future.
I need some advice on how to handle a situation I have found myself in and have seen some great stuff on here so hope someone can help me out. This is a little long but it is complicated...I have a female friend who I work with (or, more accurately for). I started working with her about a year ago and I liked her instantly: smart, funny, clever etc. But I din't think much of it because I'm a very average guy and I was more than content to have her as a friend. Without going into detail, it was not the kind of friendship where we saw each other very often; just every now and again as we worked in different areas of the building.
About 5 months ago, she came to work in the same place as me and we developed a really strong friendship. We talked a lot and found we shared a lot of common interests and have had similar problems in our personal lives (depression etc). By our own admission, we shared information that we hadn't told anyone else. When she had cause to cry because of something that happened at work, she was enormously appreciative of me taking the time to look after her and that no-one else put up with her when she broke down like that. But we were very much friends and, again, I was fine with that. She also talked alot about bad relationships in the past and how she finds it distressing that there didn't seem like there was any prospect of her getting a "good man". She has a number of confidence issues surrounding her appearance as she is not necessarily petit (but not big either) and I constantly told her she was crazy to doubt herself, i.e. "I think you're beautiful even if no-one else does". All genuinely sincere and true and no attempts at manouvering on my part. As I have said to her on numerous occasions, I really do just want her to be happy and have a smile on her face.
Anyway, at her suggestion we spent an evening at the cinema after work and a week later we went to a concert at my suggestion- like I said, we have a lot in common. I said I would get her the tickets and she could o with someone else but she said there was no-one she would rather go with. Again, still as friends and no suggestion that anything was going to happen but it started to become tough for me to suppress how strongly I felt about her. Ridiculously, we were having a drink before the concert and I realised how I felt when her hair caught on her eyelash and I brushed it back. It just hit me but I didn't do anything about it. Yeah, I know. Hopeless. But it was difficult: when you are friends with someone, particularly someone you work with, you have to be sure before doing anything to act on something like that because you don't want to mess up. And I wasn't too sure how she felt: the very personal nature of conversations we had made me think maybe; the fact she had once brushed her hand down my backside (albeit she had had a few drinks) made me think maybe; the fact she helped me with a few personal issues made me think maybe; the fact we exchanged buckets of txts virtually every day- sometimes up until 1am, made me think maybe; the fact that she had joked about someone suggested we should get married made me think maybe; the fact she invited me to her flat whenever (I've never been) made me think maybe; the fact she joked about being seen with a "nice young man" made me think maybe (I'm 26, she is 29 and most of her boyfriends have been a few years older than her). That's alot of maybes but it was very difficult to put it altogether!
Time ticks on a little bit and everything is good but I'm still thinking about all those maybes- I'm not very decisive:-( And then... I send her a txt at the weekend to see how she is and she said she is getting home from night before:-( Took a while to get it out of her but she had "spent the night" with a guy from work (after a drinks do I didn't attend) but said she felt distressed as she didn't think it would lead to anything. As you can imagine, that was very hard to hear, particularly when she began to say how it had been "really great"- Mr G would be impressed shall we say! I was genuinely pleased for her because I want her to be happy but it was difficult to hear particularly as she began to ask my opinion on what she should do next. She said they had been flirting for a while. I gave her some good advice but it was at that point, and can you imagine a more pathetic time to choose to say it, that I told her how I felt about her and that it was really difficult for me to hear that/give her advice for that reason.
The reaction surprised me. It was along the lines of "I bet you've been thinking about that for a long time", "I hadn't thought about it so don't expect an instantaneous answer", "it took me a year to answer someone once", and "I didn't think about so-and-so the other night". Now, I'm no expert but that didn't sound too promising to me and I emphasised why I had taken so long, i.e. her friendship is enormously important to me and I didn't know how she felt. I also didn't want her to interpret anything I had done for her in the past as insincere. In fairness, there and then I was in no doubt my feelings were unreciprocated and said didn't really expect a response; it was just something I felt I should say because it was unfair on both of us not to. Anyway, cards were on the table
Unfortunately, things have changed a little since then. We still spoke frequently at first, pretty much as before, but things have gone really downhill in the last month. I was quite keen to re-establish our friendship so suggested going to theatre one evening (another thing we have in common) but she made lots of excuses about how she couldn't go- one of which was she felt "unsocialable" at the moment, although I know she went to the pub quite a few times in that period.Not too sure whether she is still seeing this other guy; if she is then it is pretty casual but I think they may have spent a couple of nights together since the chat we had. But she hasn't said and I'm not about to ask. She was ill recently and wouldn't tell me what it was- a definite change from previous months when she had shared some of the problems she had been having. I sent her some flowers as I was worried about her but she didn't even acknowledge it. I also asked her whether I should try to get her some tickets for something I knew she wanted to go to- she reluctantly agreed and I got hold of them (at considerable expense to myself). I told her I was happy to get them for her as a gift but wouldn't be able to go myself (which had been the original intention but I just didn't want her to feel awkward about having to go with me) so she would be able to ask whoever she wanted to go (she could have said me but didn't!). We had a bit of an argument about me paying for the tickets as it was an affront to her independence; I said it was fine with me as I just wanted to do something nice for her that if she decided not to go then that was okay but it shouldn't be because I had got them for her. She didn't go.
And now we don't really speak at work and she won't respond to txts I have sent her. Have sent a txt or e-mail each of the previous three weekends but no response- and this from someone who previously had responded pretty much instantaneously in the past. Now nothing and I've just asking her how she is really and apologising if I've done something wrong. But just doesn't respond, although will sometimes acknowledge on Monday morning.
So what should I do? It seems I have lost her as a friend, which I find enormously upsetting, without even mentioning having her as anything more romantic. It seems categorical to me but I guess I'm being told not to contact her outside of work. Is there anyway I can rectify this? What have I done wrong? I'm very confused.
If you've read all of this then I applaud you
It's a bit of a marathon but I'll try to be more succinct in the future.
