Has marriage really been "just a piece of paper" for you?

[phan1]

I'm still young and have never been close to marriage. But just from reading and friends ect., it seems that marriage is more than just a document concerning 2 people.

I guess people with the biggest say on the subject would be couples that have lived together and have married afterward. To those of you that have gone this route in life, how has that piece of paper changed your relationship if at all? Even though it seems that marriage wouldn't really change things very much, it seems like it does.

It seems that the most successful marriages have come from people that have considered marriage to be a whole different beast and have really been willing to work together at it, and those with unsuccessful marriages were expecting things to stay just the same and were unwilling to work for something they didn't expect to change. But I could be wrong, and that's why I'm asking you guys!

 

[ifitsfundoit]

Marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper as far as I'm concerned. The only difference it made to us was a small tax concession that was available in the UK at the time.

Being married is about a partnership, and is no different to living with somone in a relationship. For me personally, it's about a commitment to one individual to share what you have, be it body, mind, money,...etc.

People change as they grow older: Opinions, attitudes, bodies. We all have to adapt to our own differences, and those of our partner.

We lived together for a couple of years before getting married, and I thought that being married would change things. It did because I thought it would: a kind of self fulfilling profecy if you like. In reality, it there was no difference. Of course, retrospect is everybody's friend, and it's taken a few years to recognise that fact.

After 7 years of marriage, we're having the best time of our lives, because we have grown together and understand each other perfectly.

like many things in life, marriage is exactly what you make it.

 

[English Lady]

I think its the actual marriage ceremony that makes a difference really.

I lived with my now husband for 2 years before we got married and things did change, not alot but I felt other peoples view on us changed the most.

We stood up in front of people and made a commitment to one another. we put it in writing, made it legal and binding. It was a big step of commitment. It showed our family we meant business and we also showed each other that same thing. (we were both 21 when we got married)


I love saying i am my husbands wife, and saying i have a husband. There is alot inferred in those words. Again its the commitment factor.

 

[cricketbug]

I agree with English Lady.

For me, Marriage is more than signing that "piece of paper." It's about a legal and binding committment to another person and the ceremony itself adds to the effect.

IMHO, it has changed me -- I'm more mellow and less of a "wild child" than when I was "just dating" before I got married. However, I am so proud to say "my husband" and we've been married 3 years already...


Just my 3 1/2 cents!

 

[RoughPlay]

No its much more than that to me. Its a public statment of our commitment.

 

[Monazwx]

There are many legal "Piece of Paper" marriages that I see out here in RL, it makes me shudder.

Emotional marriages (without the ceremony and stuff) are the ones that matter the most.
If you can have the two in one, which is possible, that is awesome.

I for one, don't care about the paper. A commitment should be just as serious to one another privately as it is in front of a million people.

 

[sheath]

I for one, don't care about the paper. A commitment should be just as serious to one another privately as it is in front of a million people.

I entirely agree.

I have been married, and those seven years were nothing but a piece of paper from the very beginning. The fairy tale is nice for a while, but it tarnishes without the emotion behind it. A commitment on paper and for the sake of society means absolutely nothing.

True commitment has absolutely nothing to do with ceremony, has no need to declare itself, and is the epitome of comfort and contentment. A piece of paper is nice, but not necessary.

S.

 

[RomanHans]

Marriage is an institution, which means that it is necessarily more than the marriage certificate. It's an entire set of social expectations, legal requirement and benefits, etc.

I've seen plenty of couples with loving, committed relationships that were never 'sancitified' as 'marriages.' In my own experience, the existence of a marriage certificate is simply that--a piece of paper--but if you're lucky, you can make it into something living and giving.

A marriage certificate is neither a necessary or sufficient prerequisite for 'being married' in the emotional, physical, and relational sense.

In my humble opinion, obviously.

Roman

 

[Funloving62]

It is but it isn't a piece of paper says to the law you are married, the people that where there as family and friends saw you two be married and you have the right to call each other husband and wife, pulse the tax break. But commitment comesbeing married or not if your serious about it. Love and trust should be built before the marriage ceremony so that's a given if your lucky. All relationship that mean anything to you personally can last if you both work on it .It's when you give up and forget to try that's when it falls a part paper or no paper. I've been married 18 yr. I lives with him two before hand so we could find out if we could live together. I love him even more now then I did back then, paper or no paper all I see it is something to keep family and busy bodies off your back.Marriage is a commitment in the heart not on a peice of paper

 

[phan1]

Thanks for the replies. The topic title sounded a bit more harsh than it should. I'm not really talking about reducing a marriage to a piece of paper. I'm mostly talking about how marriage has affected your life rather than being seen as just a dating couple. In other words, how has being "husband and wife" been different from being a "boyfriend/girlfriend", if it has at all.

 

[Monazwx]

Boyfriend + Girlfriend = Commitment
Husband + Wife = Ultimate Commitment

However, it's all about perception, and not the actual martial act.

 

[ironheads]

to paper or not to paper???

I am 48 years old, and thru those years I have seen way to many good friends, who had great relationships, most of them were built over a fair amount of time. I am talking years not months.Now I'll give that nowadays it seems as tho noone is willing to put any effort into a "commited relationship".
'you know.....one thing pisses the other off then PRESTO!!!! FUCK you I am outta here

Any how....every single one of those relationships went south the very day (it seemed like it was that fast)they said their vows and signed "THE" piece of paper.

Me, personally, got married young for the wrong reason.long story short ......marriage wasn't like the wonderfull world of ..oh well.she did the divorce , fucked it up, to this day I believe we are still married. I like it that way 'cause I can't rrun off and be stupid again. Her she has married at least 5 times I KNOW OF!!!LOL
She apparently needs the paper.


The lady I have been with for the past 20 years gave me a daughter 18 years ago.To me she was always my wife.She was my wife because that was how I felt ,it was sometthing I felt was there because we wanted it to be and not because some paper says that it is written so it shall be.

the down side is she doesn't share the same sentiments.Well..actually not as much that we aren't married as the fact that I am still legally married to my ex.

It seems to me that the "paper" changes things from a relationship to "ownership"
not good,but...a ceremony to celebrate two peoples love and respect for each other ....now that's cool....sorry for ramblin..thanks

 

[Guest]

Dispersal Of Property

Pardon my cynicism but from the experience of my divorce to my first wife a marriage certificate is just a means of dispersing the acumulated property when the towel is finally thrown in. If you don't have the commitment to each other in the first place then a state recognized document is no more a binding agent than a ring on the left hand ....

 

[cactiphile]

I'm in the old UK, and only got married for the tax
break, (which the buggers snatched back after a year).
The peice of paper made no difference to how we felt.
We'd been living together for about 3 years before
then and nothing changed at all from being married.

As other people says, having a piece of paper
won't change how committed you both are to the relationship.
If you ain't committed to start with forget it,
the piece of papers just the estblishments way of
catagorising you.

I am happily married, but I'd be just as happy with
my wife as a gf rather than mrs, as long as we are together.


c.

 

[Valcorie]

Thanks for the replies. The topic title sounded a bit more harsh than it should. I'm not really talking about reducing a marriage to a piece of paper. I'm mostly talking about how marriage has affected your life rather than being seen as just a dating couple. In other words, how has being "husband and wife" been different from being a "boyfriend/girlfriend", if it has at all.

If that is what you are looking for i can give you some basic diferances. My Husband and i lived together for 2 years before getting married. We just got married last month and already we have noticed a few changes. 1. We wouldn't be asked to leave a church now if we chose to attend. (Yes that happened) 2. Everyone wants to know when and expects you to have children. 3. I feel people veiw you as more responsible when you are married. Weather or not you are that can be questioned. 4. I don't get funny looks now, when trying to explain owing a home with someone who is not my husband to strangers. There are no huge diferences, as long a couple has a commitment to each other.

However, I don't feel that a true marige has anything to do with a peice of paper or pomp and ceramony. Some of the happiest couples I know are not amrried but have been faithfully together for years. Some of my long time friends just celebrated their 50th anneversary and were never married. A real marrige is an emotional and spritual commitment. I just don't feel that most marrigaes these days fall within those catagories.

Hope this helps!

valcorie

 

[ReadyOne]

If that is what you are looking for i can give you some basic diferances. My Husband and i lived together for 2 years before getting married. We just got married last month and already we have noticed a few changes. 1. We wouldn't be asked to leave a church now if we chose to attend. (Yes that happened) 2. Everyone wants to know when and expects you to have children. 3. I feel people veiw you as more responsible when you are married. Weather or not you are that can be questioned. 4. I don't get funny looks now, when trying to explain owing a home with someone who is not my husband to strangers. There are no huge diferences, as long a couple has a commitment to each other.

Except for the kids part (we both have already raised families) we've seen all you mention.

Add that still use our professional names and there is still static/confusion from the public. Very occasionally, we'll hyphenate them like in the church directory. But frequently we get duplicate his & hers mailings.

 

[rosie70]

For what it's worth, some of the biggest differences I've noticed between being legally married with that little piece of paper and just being in a committed, nonmarried relationship are that when you're married, you are more "officially" a part of the other person's family (which can be good or bad, depending on how much you like your spouse's family members!) and that as a couple, you are viewed as having a more permanent relationship, as opposed to just being boyfriend & girlfriend. Although that last one makes no sense to me, in this day and age of such a high divorce rate!

 

[charmed1]

I read this thread and couldn't resist

I married my husband two weeks after graduating high school. We were both very young and naive. So, at that time, that paper meant alot (i.e. freedom, rite of passage,etc.). Now, almost 8 years later, it is no longer so important. We love each other more today than when we filed the thing. I can say that the whole wedding thing was dumb. I would have been happier eloping.

Charmed1

 

[msbuzzy]

I personally cant tell you the difference between living together as being married and actually being married as I'm not currently married nor have I ever been. My fiancee and I have been together 8 years this July and we have a 7 year daughter. We have lived together for a little over 7 1/2 years also.(we have known each other for almost 14 years)

We wanted to wait and get married and have the type of wedding that we wanted. We are planning to get married sometime later this year. It does help in some situations to actually have the certificate so that is one of the reasons we have decided to actually get married.

I am not expecting things to change at all once we are married except that we will have the marriage certificate. I think that after living together for all those years has made us into an "unofficially" married couple. We approach life as if we were married and we are to most people just not technically. Everyone addresses him as my husband and me as his wife.