Group/public story feedback please

[RPRough01]

Hi,

I have published my first story, any and all feedback would bet very welcome

Thank you in advance.

https://literotica.com/s/emma-s-surprise

Emma gets fucked in a strip club, but she is not a stripper and doesn’t know who fucked her

 

[TheRedChamber]

Congratulations on your first story. It looks like you've already got quite a good number of views, favourites and a favourable score. It's short and sweet and largely hits the proclivaties you're aiming at. There were a number of things I like about it, and a few I didn't.

The first thing to say about it, is it seems to me that it is very much a male fantasy - by which I mean Emma has little agency, goes along with what she's told to do and has a fairly basic 'enjoys everything done to her' response. That's absolutely fine as long as we recognize it for what it is, although you may get other people saying that Emma isn't much of a character - true but maybe not a problem in a piece of this type. Similarly there are no answers about what exactly is going on or who Sam is. This will bother some people and not others.

That said, I think you take the ambiguity too far sometimes. It's okay for Emma not to know what's going on. It's also okay for the narrator not to spell out exactly what their relationship is, but you are also frequently vague about basic information that helps set the scene. Emma's walking down a street in Belfast - you name the street she's going to Great Victoria, but not where she is or where she's been. It seems from later in the story that it's her birthday, so has she blown off her friends to do something else? What time is it? 10pm will feel a bit different from 2am in a stripclub. How did she get to the club? Is it within walking distance?

While it's okay for Emma to be game for things and doesn't need to be a particularly deep characters, there are times where her characterization is particularly weak. She often doesn't react to things - the bouncer asks her to go through the staff entrance and, not only does she do so, she doesn't even react with surprise. I'm not a woman, but I expect that I'd have somekind of response to being asked into the backroom of a stripclub even if my boyfriend was supposed to be there, probably including at least a modicum of concern for my safety'. Similarly, go up and tell five women in your life 'All woman are strippers' and see what they say. You might get a range of different reactions, but they will react in some way - Emma just...doesn't.

Similarly when you say 'Emma wanted to leave' - well why doesn't she. She's described as being drunk, but only when a sober person would do the sensible thing, she doesn't act drunk generally (nor is it particularly clear how drunk she is - tipsy seems like not enough). There's also a bit of an irony of saying that Emma is not a stripper and then only really or chiefly defining her as having great tits. A lot of 'women in strip club stories' use women who do not have traditional stripper bodies - Emma seems like she'd fit right in.

I tend to care more about the overall story than the sex writing - the sex was made hotter by her not knowing who her partner was. However, I suspect a lot of female readers would object to the phrase 'banging her cervix'

That said, I did like the way everyone knew who she was and the air of 'normalcy' from everyone else.


Be careful about overusing vocabulary - the bouncer 'looks her up and down' twice within a handful of lines and later the body builder does the same. There are also quite a few small errors 'bit' for 'big, several places where 'your' is used instead of 'you're' and 'blind fold' instead of 'blindfold'.

 

[AlinaX]

I agree. Her lack of questioning put me off immediately. She should be full of doubts and anticipation.

 

[RPRough01]

Congratulations on your first story. It looks like you've already got quite a good number of views, favourites and a favourable score. It's short and sweet and largely hits the proclivaties you're aiming at. There were a number of things I like about it, and a few I didn't.

The first thing to say about it, is it seems to me that it is very much a male fantasy - by which I mean Emma has little agency, goes along with what she's told to do and has a fairly basic 'enjoys everything done to her' response. That's absolutely fine as long as we recognize it for what it is, although you may get other people saying that Emma isn't much of a character - true but maybe not a problem in a piece of this type. Similarly there are no answers about what exactly is going on or who Sam is. This will bother some people and not others.

That said, I think you take the ambiguity too far sometimes. It's okay for Emma not to know what's going on. It's also okay for the narrator not to spell out exactly what their relationship is, but you are also frequently vague about basic information that helps set the scene. Emma's walking down a street in Belfast - you name the street she's going to Great Victoria, but not where she is or where she's been. It seems from later in the story that it's her birthday, so has she blown off her friends to do something else? What time is it? 10pm will feel a bit different from 2am in a stripclub. How did she get to the club? Is it within walking distance?

While it's okay for Emma to be game for things and doesn't need to be a particularly deep characters, there are times where her characterization is particularly weak. She often doesn't react to things - the bouncer asks her to go through the staff entrance and, not only does she do so, she doesn't even react with surprise. I'm not a woman, but I expect that I'd have somekind of response to being asked into the backroom of a stripclub even if my boyfriend was supposed to be there, probably including at least a modicum of concern for my safety'. Similarly, go up and tell five women in your life 'All woman are strippers' and see what they say. You might get a range of different reactions, but they will react in some way - Emma just...doesn't.

Similarly when you say 'Emma wanted to leave' - well why doesn't she. She's described as being drunk, but only when a sober person would do the sensible thing, she doesn't act drunk generally (nor is it particularly clear how drunk she is - tipsy seems like not enough). There's also a bit of an irony of saying that Emma is not a stripper and then only really or chiefly defining her as having great tits. A lot of 'women in strip club stories' use women who do not have traditional stripper bodies - Emma seems like she'd fit right in.

I tend to care more about the overall story than the sex writing - the sex was made hotter by her not knowing who her partner was. However, I suspect a lot of female readers would object to the phrase 'banging her cervix'

That said, I did like the way everyone knew who she was and the air of 'normalcy' from everyone else.


Be careful about overusing vocabulary - the bouncer 'looks her up and down' twice within a handful of lines and later the body builder does the same. There are also quite a few small errors 'bit' for 'big, several places where 'your' is used instead of 'you're' and 'blind fold' instead of 'blindfold'.

Many thanks for taking the time to write such detailed feedback.

This is the first time I have ever written anything, so that level of details is great as it give me a lot to work on.

Apart from the grammar, main thing I will be working on is spending more time creating a more realistic set of characters.

Thanks again!

 

[Waywardwench]

Hi. Well done on getting your story published.

I read it all.
It didn't turn me on as a story at all but that's only because I'm not a fan of that genre.

I thought the way you wrote the rough sex scene was good but there were a number of spelling errors and also dialogue punctuation errors which my own first story was rejected for.
That's not 'sour grapes' at all, just general confusion as to how one story can get through with those types of error and another can't.

It was a quick read and personally, I like (and write) longer reads but that's purely personal preference and not a reflection on your story at all as sometimes, a 'quick fix' is definitely needed.

As others have said, sometimes there could've done with being a little more meat on the bones to add a bit of detail.

 

[RPRough01]

Hi. Well done on getting your story published.

I read it all.
It didn't turn me on as a story at all but that's only because I'm not a fan of that genre.

I thought the way you wrote the rough sex scene was good but there were a number of spelling errors and also dialogue punctuation errors which my own first story was rejected for.
That's not 'sour grapes' at all, just general confusion as to how one story can get through with those types of error and another can't.

It was a quick read and personally, I like (and write) longer reads but that's purely personal preference and not a reflection on your story at all as sometimes, a 'quick fix' is definitely needed.

As others have said, sometimes there could've done with being a little more meat on the bones to add a bit of detail.

Thanks - sorry I can’t explain why mine was published when yours wasn’t, I can see why that annoys you!

I will work on a longer one next time, the feedback is very useful.

Although your avatar is making it hard for me to concentrate on the writing! I feel like I should be looking at your eyes…!

 

[Waywardwench]

Ha!! The price you pay for having a rectangular full body pic and the avatar being square
Nah. Have to keep a bit of mystery I guess.

 

[RPRough01]

Well you fill it very well!!

Ha!! The price you pay for having a rectangular full body pic and the avatar being square
Nah. Have to keep a bit of mystery I guess.