First story in 3rd person

[Rob_Royale]

My first story in the third person has just been posted. I'd love some feedback on how I did. It's a 20k-word story, So I'll understand if you don't have the full 90 minutes to spare reading it, but please have a look if you have a mind to. Thanks.

 

[nice90sguy]

Reading it right now. Very easy, good Flow. But right near the start you mistype her name as "Jess", which is what David calls her.

He was somehow able to put his caring, disappointment, and desire for her into an expression that somehow didn't look ridiculous. It looked fucking sexy, is what it did.

There's an example where you might be "in" Jessica's brain. That kind of thing has a place (I do it too, i.e. continue in the 3rd person but actually relate the protagonists' inner monologue). But in your case I'm wondering if it's a result of your unfamiliarity with 3rd person narrative?

These are minor quibbles, and I'm reading on!

 

[burgwad]

I second nice90sguy that your writing basics are solid, and that the story reads like butter. That 69 scene right at the outset is wonderfully hot and makes great use of the 3rd person.

But now let's get into the nitpickery, since that's how we do around here!

As for Jess v Jessica: It's okay by me to establish a character's full name and then switch to a nickname wherever contextually appropriate, or especially if it's how they address themselves.

In The Hedonism House, though, I notice you switch back and forth between Jess and Jessica without much clear purpose. Neither name seems to make any difference to the sentence it's a part of. By which I mean, if Jess were a significantly different-feeling name than Jessica, like "Ed" vs "Edwina" or "Peg" vs "Margaret," then it might strike a more meaningful tone each time you called her by one name over the other, but as it stands, the Jess v Jessica dynamic feels arbitrary and mildly distracting.

On a semi-related note, I feel like you repeat her name somewhat weirdly often, even when she's the only character in the scene, as if you're worried the reader might have forgotten who "she" and "her" are less than a paragraph away from the last time you said her name. It's one of those rules ("Every time you start a new paragraph, be sure to repeat the character's name") that we all learn in grade school, but that later makes writing that follows this rule too closely feel grade schoolish.

To be clear, I don't think you're a grade schooler. Like I already said, this story is well written! You use the 3rd person to great effect where it counts (i.e., the sex scenes), and I see no reason why you shouldn't keep using it in other stories! You'll only get more comfortable with further use.

 

[Rob_Royale]

Reading it right now. Very easy, good Flow. But right near the start you mistype her name as "Jess", which is what David calls her.


There's an example where you might be "in" Jessica's brain. That kind of thing has a place (I do it too, i.e. continue in the 3rd person but actually relate the protagonists' inner monologue). But in your case I'm wondering if it's a result of your unfamiliarity with 3rd person narrative?

The inner monologue seemed to just happen naturally. I noticed it in my editing process, but it didn't seem out of place so I left it. To express the line in quotations as what she was thinking, just didn't flow as well. I appreciate your time and I hope you enjoyed the story. Be well.

 

[Rob_Royale]

But now let's get into the nitpickery, since that's how we do around here!

As for Jess v Jessica: It's okay by me to establish a character's full name and then switch to a nickname wherever contextually appropriate, or especially if it's how they address themselves.

In The Hedonism House, though, I notice you switch back and forth between Jess and Jessica without much clear purpose. Neither name seems to make any difference to the sentence it's a part of. By which I mean, if Jess were a significantly different-feeling name than Jessica, like "Ed" vs "Edwina" or "Peg" vs "Margaret," then it might strike a more meaningful tone each time you called her by one name over the other, but as it stands, the Jess v Jessica dynamic feels arbitrary and mildly distracting.

On a semi-related note, I feel like you repeat her name somewhat weirdly often, even when she's the only character in the scene, as if you're worried the reader might have forgotten who "she" and "her" are less than a paragraph away from the last time you said her name. It's one of those rules ("Every time you start a new paragraph, be sure to repeat the character's name") that we all learn in grade school, but that later makes writing that follows this rule too closely feel grade schoolish.

To be clear, I don't think you're a grade schooler. Like I already said, this story is well written! You use the 3rd person to great effect where it counts (i.e., the sex scenes), and I see no reason why you shouldn't keep using it in other stories! You'll only get more comfortable with further use.

Much appreciated. Another new Lit friend pointed that out as well. It seems it boils down to something I remember from grammar schooling where you should use a proper noun whenever possible rather than him/he or she/her. After rereading the story it is terribly clear that I overdid it. Also starting too many paragraphs with her name as well. I have applied the advice to my current WIP and it's an improvement. I really appreciate your time. I know 20K words is a 90+ minute job. Thanks very much to both of you.

 

[Rob_Royale]

On a semi-related note, I feel like you repeat her name somewhat weirdly often, even when she's the only character in the scene, as if you're worried the reader might have forgotten who "she" and "her" are less than a paragraph away from the last time you said her name. It's one of those rules ("Every time you start a new paragraph, be sure to repeat the character's name") that we all learn in grade school, but that later makes writing that follows this rule too closely feel grade schoolish.

Thanks again for your feedback. I've reread the first three Lit pages and the whole thing is a mess of that sort of thing. I'm thinking hard about doing an edit and resubmitting. Much appreciated.