First published story (Bro-Sis, Incest/taboo) and I'd love your feedback.

[sadimgnik]

Doh! I forgot to put in a link!

https://literotica.com/s/one-sister-one-brother-two-lovers

This is 5 'chapters' and a prologue - although I published it as a single file, rather than as 5 (or six) separate chapters

I was aiming for wide-eyed enthusiasm, and I also wanted to showcase a beautiful part of Australia.

I know not everyone is into sibling sex - but I would appreciate your observations, both about the plotting and dialog, but also about the story structure - and the decision to publish as a single 'lump'.

Hoping to hear from you

Sadim

 

[8letters]

* The writing is good. Better than on my first story.
* I think putting it all in one story was a good decision. The chapters are too short to stand on their own
* Read my big list of tips in my signature. It discusses a lot of the issues I see in your story.
* I didn't like the "budding breasts" description. It sounds like your wrote the story with Jan as 14 and then aged her up for Literotica at the last minute.
* The story lacks drama. The teaser scene lets us know Jan will soon be sucking Gary's cock. Jan and Gary start the story attracted to each other. Jan strips naked in front of Gary for no apparent reason. There's no emotions from the characters as they act

 

[Euphony]

Have zero qualms with the category so don't rush to pin dislike of events as disdain of incest.

Better than average writing, especially in keeping things moving but room for improvement.

"Virgin virtuoso" sister was eye roll, especially suggestion of a natural ability outweighing years trained professional courtesans. A virgin guy can have an overwhelming orgasm from a willing, engaged but overall unspectacular (in the grand scheme) partner. It's in the same vein as porn star tits or ginormous cocks/weapons.

"Budding" was gross and titillating to a crowd I want no part of.

5 ejaculations in 5 hours. Done it. "Ecstasy" type thinking rang seriously hollow to me. Physiology aside, why is he so mind fucked by a 5th time in 5 hours? Dopamine reserves have to be mostly shot by now (glandular problem otherwise?) Felt like this leaned on the "super sucker sister" angle as a foundation for the feelings and the foundation was cracked to me.

Dialog was zippy and had that nice idealized but never really seeming too far fetched that benefits fiction. I might quibble with some of the baudiness of the in sex dialog (young, inexperience partners coming together for the first few times) but it's not outside the realm of stories here.

LOT of repetition with ages/characteristics. You should trust the reader to carry over what you tell them. A later instance of "they are 19 year olds" shouldn't matter to most other than the truly brain dead.

What little minor conflicts there were were setup perfectly for your boy to solve, which turned her into a unicorn. Zero stakes. Later pages became a real slog to stay engaged with (even when written well) b/c it all seemed predetermined.

You've got a solid framework worth building on in future stories but you've got to address the emotionless paper cutout character issues. You CAN write stories that do nothing but hit the stroke tropes and you'll likely get votes and reads. But you risk becoming generic. Or chasing the escalating "how wild of a sex act can I write" dragon which smashes into peoples expectations that you'll meet people's expectations and nothing further or more than they can handle.

I've read PLENTY of things I am generally disinterested in on the whole b/c the characters were so emotionally real and invested in the struggle, I caught their feels and wanted to come along still, even through some VERY uncomfortable areas for me.

Write mostly sex acts and you get people into those sex acts. And limit yourself to those people too.

You have enough writing ability elsewhere I'd be surprised if that's what you want the bulk of your portfolio to be but there's nothing wrong if that's where you're at.

You have another gear if you want to focus on it but what you've written is perfectly fine, good in spots, if that's what you like to write.

 

[DarkSollat]

You asked and shall receive!

Generally speaking I liked it. Both innocent and not so innocent interactions between the siblings were real fun, and the characters themselves likeable. Those tributes to Australia hit as well. Also for such a short work you managed to squeeze a lot of sexual act into it.

I'm a simple man who doesn't need a conflict, or deep dives into psychology etc. and I dont mind a little siliness so I haven't had the same struggles as Euphony. Iagree with 8letters though that it shows that you clearly wanted Jan to be younger (budding breasts, developing body), but now it creates discord. Also, her aureolas goes from covering a quarter to one-third of her boobs.

As per other things. I don't like words like prick, snatch of twat; I prefer cock, dick, pussy, cunt... But that's me.

The most severe mistake is that you sometimes get very wordy. Many beginners (me included) struggles with it, but remember: simpler is usual better. Two examples:
* "She moistened her middle finger with saliva from her tongue." - any other place you can find saliva?
* "This was the first time anyone else had played with his cock in a sexual manner" - so someone played with it in not sexual manner?

Last but not least, I see no point with Gary saying that they did it in the open by the end. The sentence has no power there, as opposed to him saying the sane thing during the act itself.

To not end this on negative note - because once again, I enjoyed it - I'm glad you avoided gargantuan dick and can't get pregnant tropes. They're still fun, but it's refreshing.