Fear

[minx1]

I have very simular reactions. But I'm very trusting of my top, I also have a need to please that's so strong that it tends to trump my fear.

My fear might sound really tame compared to some. I share your strong need to please Wenchie, as you know but this ffrightens the hell out of me.

Its a threesome lol.

I find the fantasy hot but I fear my reaction to the reality. That I might not like it...the actual act; that I'd be jealous; that I would never get over seeing the person I loved fucking someone else. That it would result in ending the relationship.



Sometimes I have come close to giving it a go, but then the fear of ''what ifs''
fills me absolute panic.

Its strange because when I read about say polygamy or Homborgs references to his ''women folk'' I love the idea of sharing. I just worry the reality would break me.

Perhaps the difference is that to me, polygamy and Homburgs examples are part of loving, stable relationships. Perhaps its all about trust Wenchie and maybe for me to ever try it it would have to be as part of a fulltime, strong, trusting relationship.
Then again, perhaps its just not for me

Sorry for rambling.....its just my thought process

ETA: perhaps its not so much my want (a threesome), but wanting to please

 

[Homburg]

The biggest thing that helps lubricate the social awkwardness of a three-way is when all three parties are hot for each other. Not A is hot for B and C, but B is only hot for A, and C is out for A as well. If all three parties find each other at least interesting sexually speaking, it becomes easier. If you want to get a piece of the third party and they want a piece of you too, it's a lot easier to accept.

And, honestly, a little alcohol doesn't hurt. I may personally eschew drink, but it can, in moderate doses, take the edge off the worry.

It helps to be in a solid relationship with a partner you trust though (or a loose one where you're all out to have fun). Your relationship should be solid before you bring in a third party.

If you have specific questions, feel free to PM me. I'm not the expert on threesomes, but I've had a few

 

[minx1]

The biggest thing that helps lubricate the social awkwardness of a three-way is when all three parties are hot for each other. Not A is hot for B and C, but B is only hot for A, and C is out for A as well. If all three parties find each other at least interesting sexually speaking, it becomes easier. If you want to get a piece of the third party and they want a piece of you too, it's a lot easier to accept.

And, honestly, a little alcohol doesn't hurt. I may personally eschew drink, but it can, in moderate doses, take the edge off the worry.

It helps to be in a solid relationship with a partner you trust though (or a loose one where you're all out to have fun). Your relationship should be solid before you bring in a third party.

If you have specific questions, feel free to PM me. I'm not the expert on threesomes, but I've had a few

Cheers Homburg, I may well take you up on that

 

[Adakgirl]

But I guess I should tell the Owner people to just force me through it, since it's apparently what I really need.

It scares me, and that makes me unhappy.

Ohhhh well! You want to do it because you "think" you need it cuz you craveit right? Then the only way to find out if that kind of pain will give you the satisfaction and relief you crave...is to bite the bullet and do it..ask them to push you past your normal pain threshold to see how far you can go. Then push you past that point to the point THEY think you can handle right now. Thats where your trust has to come in..you don't have to trust yourself, just to trust that they will know when to stop.

Isn't that what completely submitting your body to someone/ones is all about? Your afraid to trust not afraid of what's going to happen if you do trust.

 

[BiBunny]

Ohhhh well! You want to do it because you "think" you need it cuz you craveit right? Then the only way to find out if that kind of pain will give you the satisfaction and relief you crave...is to bite the bullet and do it..ask them to push you past your normal pain threshold to see how far you can go. Then push you past that point to the point THEY think you can handle right now. Thats where your trust has to come in..you don't have to trust yourself, just to trust that they will know when to stop.

Isn't that what completely submitting your body to someone/ones is all about? Your afraid to trust not afraid of what's going to happen if you do trust.

Oh, no, I know I need it. I've gone there plenty of times before, and it's the only thing that makes this need go away.

The more I think about it, the more I think this is tied up in a number of things that aren't really necessarily even about pain, at least in the physical sense, or trust or anything like that.

This is a fear of myself, a denial of my true nature, a lack of acceptance about my slavery, and probably a study in avoidant behavior.

I can be so much more than I am, if I would just let myself.

 

[satindesire]

Fear isn't always a constant thing. It has flavors and tones just like happiness and any other emotion.

Perhaps sometimes you're feeling the "flight or fight" get-me-the-fuck-outta-here fear and that's what your boundary is...and sometimes you're feeling the rush of "oh-mai-gawsh-what's-gonna-happen-next?" and that's the fear you want and can push past through.

Just a thought....forgive me if I'm waaaay off base.

 

[nh23]

Ohhhh well! You want to do it because you "think" you need it cuz you craveit right? Then the only way to find out if that kind of pain will give you the satisfaction and relief you crave...is to bite the bullet and do it..ask them to push you past your normal pain threshold to see how far you can go. Then push you past that point to the point THEY think you can handle right now. Thats where your trust has to come in..you don't have to trust yourself, just to trust that they will know when to stop.

Isn't that what completely submitting your body to someone/ones is all about? Your afraid to trust not afraid of what's going to happen if you do trust.

Ever completely submitted your body to anyone in r/l? Or ever had a scene/pain play with anyone in r/l?

 

[Adakgirl]

I think it may also lie in the lack of physical affection and outward demonstrations of love from your parents towards you. It's possible that you had to learn to keep all your natural urges to show your affection..to touch, hug, hold, because that kind of stuff was rejected by your parents..it caused you twist up things that felt good into things that hurt you bad

Example- Bi-bunny is two years old and wants to sit on a parents lap, be rocked stroked, feel safe, be re-assured and hugged, kissed. She approches parent and tries to crawl up on parents lap.
Parent pushes Bi-Bunny down and tells her to go away, looking at her like something is wrong with her for wanting this closeness, wanting that love. She feels very hurt, she feels deep emotional pain. and this happens over and over again and in all kinds of situations. ...

so things that were supposed to feel good morph into things that hurt bad. So the affection, love and attention you craved as a child..only got you pain...so eventually you end up craving pain. What your Psyche needs for fulfillment and emotional satisfaction only comes from intense feelings of pain.

That's one theory anyway, and it's just that..I am sure there are other more complex things involved

 

[Adakgirl]

Ever completely submitted your body to anyone in r/l? Or ever had a scene/pain play with anyone in r/l?

Nope..haven't claimed to either.

 

[nh23]

Nope..haven't claimed to either.

Why haven't you bit the bullet?

 

[rida]

Fear. Every single time.

When I walk to our meeting and I see him I start to get anxious. By the time we enter the play room, I'm in total fear mode.

Most of the time I do not know exactly what will happen but one thing that I know is that it is going to hurt. The only thing that keeps me from falling in total panic is that I know that if I'm going to use my safeword, he will stop. However, I also know that trying to wiggle out of something simply for convenience is not acceptable. (I also trust him to read me well enough that I should not need to use my safeword).

I know that our play is not extreme, but still each time I get pushed a bit further. A bit beyond what I thought I could deal with. And each time I'm amazed that I made it. And than the fear of where it will go the next time starts to sink in ...

Fear. Each and every time.
To me, voluntarily putting myself there and accepting it, is the first step of showing him my submission.

 

[Netzach]

Sometimes, and this is something I notice from beating more masochists than I can count, a masochist is being really literal about their wants when they "want pain."

Well, ok, but why? What are you really looking for out of this experience? Because I also wager that whatever you really want out of it, is what's bugging you.

So that's often the issue - for example, the feel good maso, who isn't flying as high as he wants.

Even if he just wants to feel good with huge endorphins all over, he could also be enough control freak who doesn't like the idea of being high that there's now a conflict. Or it's making submissive him feel guilty for wanting to feel good, or whatever else.

 

[ownedsubgal]

The biggest thing that helps lubricate the social awkwardness of a three-way is when all three parties are hot for each other. Not A is hot for B and C, but B is only hot for A, and C is out for A as well. If all three parties find each other at least interesting sexually speaking, it becomes easier. If you want to get a piece of the third party and they want a piece of you too, it's a lot easier to accept.

funny, i feel pretty much the complete opposite about my threesomes, lol. i think they work best when there is a singular target of attraction, like two women serving one man or two men using one woman. that makes the energy very clear, very focused. everyone being everyone else always seemed very chaotic and unappealing to me, but then maybe that's cuz i'm not bi.

 

[00Syd]

The only times I have ever felt real fear during a scene was when I knew that the hurt was coming because, well, I don't like pain. And I don't like the waiting, the anticipation of knowing that something that's going to hurt like hell is on its way. It's the same sort of fear that I feel when watching a scary movie, only substitute pain literally with fear. It's going to be scary, I know it is, I know I'm going to be scared like hell, and that scared me. And during a scene when I know I'm going to feal some pain, its really the anticipatation, just like during a horror film, that scares me. Once it actually happens I get the scary feeling like when watching a movie and the monster jumps out, and I sometimes cry, but its all hype. The actual pain is never as bad as the anticipation of it.

I've also been scared the way that Minx1 has been scared. The first time that Seb played with someone else after we got together I was TERRIFIED. It ended up being fine, but goddamn was that scary. I didn't know if I could handle it. I was scared that I would be jealous and freak out and who knows what. That sort of fear is really a different animal than the type of fear I feal during a scene, and its much, much more damaging.

 

[the captians wench]

My fear might sound really tame compared to some. I share your strong need to please Wenchie, as you know but this ffrightens the hell out of me.

Its a threesome lol.

I find the fantasy hot but I fear my reaction to the reality. That I might not like it...the actual act; that I'd be jealous; that I would never get over seeing the person I loved fucking someone else. That it would result in ending the relationship.



Sometimes I have come close to giving it a go, but then the fear of ''what ifs''
fills me absolute panic.

Its strange because when I read about say polygamy or Homborgs references to his ''women folk'' I love the idea of sharing. I just worry the reality would break me.

Perhaps the difference is that to me, polygamy and Homburgs examples are part of loving, stable relationships. Perhaps its all about trust Wenchie and maybe for me to ever try it it would have to be as part of a fulltime, strong, trusting relationship.
Then again, perhaps its just not for me

Sorry for rambling.....its just my thought process

ETA: perhaps its not so much my want (a threesome), but wanting to please

From just what I'm reading here, I would say that it sounds more like you like the idea because it would make some one else happy. I haven't met a guy yet who doesn't like this idea.

So it's just like I said ealier, you have to decide if the consiquences of overcoming this fear and going for it are worth finding out your fears are valid. In this case the question would be, is your relationship worth risking by taking this shot?


For me, my biggest fear is always rejection. That ties a lot into my need to please. I think my desire to be so pleasing stems from the fact that I secretly think that if I'm not, he'll leave. Lots of abandonment issues here.


As for Jounar and me and threesome, i really don't think it would happen. If we did it before I moved there I would always wonder if he was seeing the other girl and I'd worry about him getting too attached to her as he's deffo a mono guy. If I lived there, or if we did it here then I think I could handle it and even enjoy it. But again it would be to please him more than my own disire. I haven't been shy about expressing here that I just do chicks for attention from males.

 

[BiBunny]

I think it may also lie in the lack of physical affection and outward demonstrations of love from your parents towards you. It's possible that you had to learn to keep all your natural urges to show your affection..to touch, hug, hold, because that kind of stuff was rejected by your parents..it caused you twist up things that felt good into things that hurt you bad

Example- Bi-bunny is two years old and wants to sit on a parents lap, be rocked stroked, feel safe, be re-assured and hugged, kissed. She approches parent and tries to crawl up on parents lap.
Parent pushes Bi-Bunny down and tells her to go away, looking at her like something is wrong with her for wanting this closeness, wanting that love. She feels very hurt, she feels deep emotional pain. and this happens over and over again and in all kinds of situations. ...

so things that were supposed to feel good morph into things that hurt bad. So the affection, love and attention you craved as a child..only got you pain...so eventually you end up craving pain. What your Psyche needs for fulfillment and emotional satisfaction only comes from intense feelings of pain.

That's one theory anyway, and it's just that..I am sure there are other more complex things involved

It's possible. I'm not sure. I do know that I've always been one of those people who craves pain. The fear has always been there, but it seems to be ballooning lately. Interesting theory.

Fear. Every single time.

When I walk to our meeting and I see him I start to get anxious. By the time we enter the play room, I'm in total fear mode.

Most of the time I do not know exactly what will happen but one thing that I know is that it is going to hurt. The only thing that keeps me from falling in total panic is that I know that if I'm going to use my safeword, he will stop. However, I also know that trying to wiggle out of something simply for convenience is not acceptable. (I also trust him to read me well enough that I should not need to use my safeword).

I know that our play is not extreme, but still each time I get pushed a bit further. A bit beyond what I thought I could deal with. And each time I'm amazed that I made it. And than the fear of where it will go the next time starts to sink in ...

Fear. Each and every time.
To me, voluntarily putting myself there and accepting it, is the first step of showing him my submission.

I can relate to a lot of this post myself. Well, except we don't do the safeword thing.

My pain tolerance is not what it used to be, and that makes me angry at myself in a lot of ways. I can't take what I want sometimes, and that pisses me off.

Sometimes, and this is something I notice from beating more masochists than I can count, a masochist is being really literal about their wants when they "want pain."

Well, ok, but why? What are you really looking for out of this experience? Because I also wager that whatever you really want out of it, is what's bugging you.

So that's often the issue - for example, the feel good maso, who isn't flying as high as he wants.

Even if he just wants to feel good with huge endorphins all over, he could also be enough control freak who doesn't like the idea of being high that there's now a conflict. Or it's making submissive him feel guilty for wanting to feel good, or whatever else.

You know what? I'm stupid for not thinking of this myself. I guess sometimes I need things pointed out to me by other people to see them properly.

I think my brain works in reverse sometimes. Most people have something bothering them, and that makes them feel icky. Pretty simple cause-and-effect. But I almost always get the feelings first, and the reason doesn't reveal itself to me for several more weeks. It causes a lot of friction between me and the people I care about because when the answer to "What's wrong?" is "I don't know!", they either don't believe me or automatically assume it's something they did.

The last few times we've played hard--and it's been awhile--have been really unbelievably intense. Like, making me cry intense, which hardly ever happens. Of course, that sets up a crazy emotional response at the end that always freaks me out.

A very large part of me does not like losing that much control. Maybe I think it's ok to be submissive, as long as I retain a hold on my emotions, I dunno. Like I said earlier, I think denial plays a huge role. I wanna go there. I need to go there. But it's probably the being laid bare emotionally part that weirds me the fuck out.

The only times I have ever felt real fear during a scene was when I knew that the hurt was coming because, well, I don't like pain. And I don't like the waiting, the anticipation of knowing that something that's going to hurt like hell is on its way. It's the same sort of fear that I feel when watching a scary movie, only substitute pain literally with fear. It's going to be scary, I know it is, I know I'm going to be scared like hell, and that scared me. And during a scene when I know I'm going to feal some pain, its really the anticipatation, just like during a horror film, that scares me. Once it actually happens I get the scary feeling like when watching a movie and the monster jumps out, and I sometimes cry, but its all hype. The actual pain is never as bad as the anticipation of it.

I've also been scared the way that Minx1 has been scared. The first time that Seb played with someone else after we got together I was TERRIFIED. It ended up being fine, but goddamn was that scary. I didn't know if I could handle it. I was scared that I would be jealous and freak out and who knows what. That sort of fear is really a different animal than the type of fear I feal during a scene, and its much, much more damaging.

Yeah, I can relate to this in some ways, too. Except sometimes it is as bad, or worse, than I was afraid of. It could be that the dread makes it worse. I'm not sure.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

...I just wondered if anyone else is ever afraid of their desires. Well, maybe "afraid" is the wrong word. Do any of you ever shy away from your wants? ...

I haven't read any of the follow up discussion to this because I want to answer with this question fresh in my mind and my answer uninfluenced by anyone else's sharing.

In a word - Yes.

There is a darkness within me, a rage, a boiling cauldron of poison, a demon of destruction and vileness that scares the fuck-nuts out of me.

It's the part of me that imagines having a captive, bound, gagged, naked, and helpless... a scalpel in my hand, and carving the skin from their body, inch by agonizing inch.

It's the part of me that imagines someone under me, my hands wrapped around their throat, watching their face turn red, then purple, watching the blood vessels in their eyes swell and hemorrhage, feeling them kick and struggle and fight... slowly weakening... slower... more feeble... still...

It's the part of me that imagines the knife in my hand, plunging under the sternum and up into the heart, feeling the beating of the pulse, then slowing... still...

Oh yes, there is a part of me and my desires that I fear.

And there is the thrill that bottoms get when they know that part of me exists, and they choose to dance with me anyway...

 

[minx1]

funny, i feel pretty much the complete opposite about my threesomes, lol. i think they work best when there is a singular target of attraction, like two women serving one man or two men using one woman. that makes the energy very clear, very focused. everyone being everyone else always seemed very chaotic and unappealing to me, but then maybe that's cuz i'm not bi.

*nods* maybe that approach would work better for me, since I'm not bi either.
Then there would just be the jealousy and fear that he would want her more than me, to deal with.
*sheesh* time to ditch the baggage. Just got to work out how lol

I've also been scared the way that Minx1 has been scared. The first time that Seb played with someone else after we got together I was TERRIFIED. It ended up being fine, but goddamn was that scary. I didn't know if I could handle it. I was scared that I would be jealous and freak out and who knows what. That sort of fear is really a different animal than the type of fear I feal during a scene, and its much, much more damaging.

Yeah, its horrible. It is terrifying.
But I think you have hit the nail on the head 00Syd, I think its the fear of the unknown moreso than the actual act. Fear of what happens next...do I freak out completely, not able to deal with it; does it break the relationship; jealousy; will I be able to deal with the images in my head of him fucking someone.
Yeah....I might not actually enjoy the actual act but that fear is nowhere near as great as what happens afterwards.

From just what I'm reading here, I would say that it sounds more like you like the idea because it would make some one else happy. I haven't met a guy yet who doesn't like this idea.

So it's just like I said ealier, you have to decide if the consiquences of overcoming this fear and going for it are worth finding out your fears are valid. In this case the question would be, is your relationship worth risking by taking this shot?


For me, my biggest fear is always rejection. That ties a lot into my need to please. I think my desire to be so pleasing stems from the fact that I secretly think that if I'm not, he'll leave. Lots of abandonment issues here.


As for Jounar and me and threesome, i really don't think it would happen. If we did it before I moved there I would always wonder if he was seeing the other girl and I'd worry about him getting too attached to her as he's deffo a mono guy. If I lived there, or if we did it here then I think I could handle it and even enjoy it. But again it would be to please him more than my own disire. I haven't been shy about expressing here that I just do chicks for attention from males.

All of this Wenchie. This is me.


I'm not Bi. I have been curious at one stage in my life, when I came close to something with a friend of mine. And it was just with that one woman. But I'm not so sure that was about being turned on by female bods as much as that I found her, incredibly sexy and very attractive person. Anyway I chickened out.
And yeah, I find it hot when the young female therapist gives me a brazillian. but again...that might just be because I get off on the thought of a stranger messing about with wax and my bits. *shrugs*

I'm just not sure the above is enough to make me want to try it for me. It would be to please someone else, for sure.
I like cock. I know I like cock...but then who knows maybe I only like cock because I haven't tried the other??

I find the visual side of the act really hot, but generally thats when they are ''faceless'' pornstars. Subsitute with a man I love and myself and it's not as hot and completely panic inducing lol

sorry....give me a tangent and off I'll go This is how my thought process on the whole thing goes......round and round and round lol

So yeah there is fear of the act...that I might find it a turnoff and fear of the potential fallout.

 

[Adakgirl]

Why haven't you bit the bullet?

Because I live in a very small mountain community where I have not found any people of like mind. Also I have an excellent, long standing, business reputation in this area I worked very hard to build and maintain. I do not want to risk that by somebody mentioning something I have done in private, to someone else. Rumours of sexual perversion travel far and fast around here.

So that leaves me with the option of driving 90 min round trip at night, alone, to a city with one of the highest crime and murder rates in this state. On whats been deemed as one of the most dangerous roads in this state, to attend munches in order to meet people of like mind.

But that does not mean I do not intend to continue to do my best to find a way in which I can have the opportunity to bite the bullet and submit to a Dominant I know and trust...in the future.

 

[nh23]

Because I live in a very small mountain community where I have not found any people of like mind. Also I have an excellent, long standing, business reputation in this area I worked very hard to build and maintain. I do not want to risk that by somebody mentioning something I have done in private, to someone else. Rumours of sexual perversion travel far and fast around here.

So that leaves me with the option of driving 90 min round trip at night, alone, to a city with one of the highest crime and murder rates in this state. On whats been deemed as one of the most dangerous roads in this state, to attend munches in order to meet people of like mind.

But that does not mean I do not intend to continue to do my best to find a way in which I can have the opportunity to bite the bullet and submit to a Dominant I know and trust...in the future.

I traveled four hours each way about once every two weeks to be with Master, until he moved in with me. It was so worth it. I can't imagine not having this as a part of my life. To only have it in fantasy. It wouldn't work for me.

The reason I quoted your post in the first place though.. This is probably going to come off as totally rude, so call me a bitch if you want.

I have a huge problem with people who have no r/l experience giving advice in regards to r/l situations. It's not that I don't think your opinions are valid, it's just as of yet they have no basis in reality. Perhaps a disclaimer in serious situations that says you have no r/l experience. People who ask for advice on here are usually sincere, and will take other people's advice. If you're going to give it, I think you should know and have experience in what you're talking about.

It's easy to tell someone to do x when you've never been in that situation. It's also an easy way to get yourself in trouble later down the road. Sometimes I see people with no r/l experience saying they are painsluts, or how they enjoy this or that. Until you've let someone else give you pain, you have no idea.(Example the chickie who told Master she was a masochist and couldn't handle the candle wax.) It's nothing like giving yourself pain. I worry that these people will get into situations where they will end up being hurt badly.

 

[the captians wench]

All of this Wenchie. This is me.


I'm not Bi. I have been curious at one stage in my life, when I came close to something with a friend of mine. And it was just with that one woman. But I'm not so sure that was about being turned on by female bods as much as that I found her, incredibly sexy and very attractive person. Anyway I chickened out.
And yeah, I find it hot when the young female therapist gives me a brazillian. but again...that might just be because I get off on the thought of a stranger messing about with wax and my bits. *shrugs*

I'm just not sure the above is enough to make me want to try it for me. It would be to please someone else, for sure.
I like cock. I know I like cock...but then who knows maybe I only like cock because I haven't tried the other??

I find the visual side of the act really hot, but generally thats when they are ''faceless'' pornstars. Subsitute with a man I love and myself and it's not as hot and completely panic inducing lol

sorry....give me a tangent and off I'll go This is how my thought process on the whole thing goes......round and round and round lol

So yeah there is fear of the act...that I might find it a turnoff and fear of the potential fallout.

*giggles* it's amazing to me some times how much we reflect each other. We could be sisters! *giggles* There's a whole nother kink.

I had a few curiousities when I was a teen. I wasn't really attracted to girls, I was just curious as to what it would be like. When "Tomb Raider", the movie, came out for the very first time I felt a bit of an attraction to a woman, so then I just wasn't sure.

Once I got into BDSM and started exploring with some friends, I found that bisexuality and forced bisexuality seemed a lot more common than my conservitive background led me to believe. And I started getting more curious.

The first few times I actually tried it, it was forced on me. Yup, master asshole. He wanted a stable and I was to be top dog which ment that I was to be serviced and service the girls under me. Of course he was such an asshole that most girls were only around once. I didn't like it in that situation. The girls did nothing for me, but part of me still wasn't sure, maybe I would enjoy it if it wasn't forced.

When I was adopted by a couple I got to try it a bit in a more relaxed atmosphere. I love them both, but I realized I still was not turned on with the idea of doing things with her. I had fun groping her while he did things, but I just wasn't into anything more than that. Well unless of course he got turned on by it. I'm such an attention whore.

Like I said, we have fear for a reason, and you just have to decide if that reason is valid or not. I know the limits of my jealousy, I know how Jounar works, and I know the limits of his jealousy. So I know, in this point in our relationship, this wouldn't be a good idea. My fear is valid, so I won't push it.

I traveled four hours each way about once every two weeks to be with Master, until he moved in with me. It was so worth it. I can't imagine not having this as a part of my life. To only have it in fantasy. It wouldn't work for me.

The reason I quoted your post in the first place though.. This is probably going to come off as totally rude, so call me a bitch if you want.

I have a huge problem with people who have no r/l experience giving advice in regards to r/l situations. It's not that I don't think your opinions are valid, it's just as of yet they have no basis in reality. Perhaps a disclaimer in serious situations that says you have no r/l experience. People who ask for advice on here are usually sincere, and will take other people's advice. If you're going to give it, I think you should know and have experience in what you're talking about.

It's easy to tell someone to do x when you've never been in that situation. It's also an easy way to get yourself in trouble later down the road. Sometimes I see people with no r/l experience saying they are painsluts, or how they enjoy this or that. Until you've let someone else give you pain, you have no idea.(Example the chickie who told Master she was a masochist and couldn't handle the candle wax.) It's nothing like giving yourself pain. I worry that these people will get into situations where they will end up being hurt badly.

I know I've said this before, but it's been ages ago, but I have a hard time with this.

When Jounar and I first started exploring together I spanked myself for him. That first night I did, I beat myself harder than, to this day, any one else has ever beaten me. I had lovely bear paws for near two weeks.

But I'm a little over dedicated sometimes. I wanted to stop, but he told me to keep going. At one point I kind of disapeared, an out of body experience if you will, and it was no longer me beating myself, but some other force driving my slapper.

I know I'm more the exception than the rule. Most people will not push themselves in this situation, and I often wonder how and why I do.

As I gained experience both on and offline, I have found it different in all aspects except when it comes to Jounar and myself. For some reason that has been the only relationship that has been as intence online as it is off, and even as any other off line experience I've had.

but I'm wired weird I think.

 

[Netzach]

As I gained experience both on and offline, I have found it different in all aspects except when it comes to Jounar and myself. For some reason that has been the only relationship that has been as intence online as it is off, and even as any other off line experience I've had.

but I'm wired weird I think.

You have to admit, it's still *different* from being in Ireland and him doing it to you.

No matter what, those things are not identical experiences. *as intense* sure, but they're not the same.

A lot of my relationship is very verbal heady and conducted over the phone. Still different when I'm there.

I do have issue with people saying "go for the gusto" who have not been in other people's hands. Even more so with "hell to the no no one beats me" tops than for bottoms who haven't managed to do it IRL, but that's just me.

 

[eastern sun]

I think it's very hard to override our natural instincts towards self-preservation. We may want to push more deeply into our desires, but our reptile brain screams at the threat.

As others have pointed out to me recently, the fear is not the problem. My reaction to fear is the key. I can either shut down and withdraw in response (and I have) frustrating everyone involved. Or I can relax and breathe and allow events to unfold.

That's where the emotional stability and skillfulness of your partner(s) is crucial. Because no one really knows what will happen then.

 

[Adakgirl]

I traveled four hours each way about once every two weeks to be with Master, until he moved in with me. It was so worth it. I can't imagine not having this as a part of my life. To only have it in fantasy. It wouldn't work for me.

The reason I quoted your post in the first place though.. This is probably going to come off as totally rude, so call me a bitch if you want.

I have a huge problem with people who have no r/l experience giving advice in regards to r/l situations. It's not that I don't think your opinions are valid, it's just as of yet they have no basis in reality. Perhaps a disclaimer in serious situations that says you have no r/l experience. People who ask for advice on here are usually sincere, and will take other people's advice. If you're going to give it, I think you should know and have experience in what you're talking about.

It's easy to tell someone to do x when you've never been in that situation. It's also an easy way to get yourself in trouble later down the road. Sometimes I see people with no r/l experience saying they are painsluts, or how they enjoy this or that. Until you've let someone else give you pain, you have no idea.(Example the chickie who told Master she was a masochist and couldn't handle the candle wax.) It's nothing like giving yourself pain. I worry that these people will get into situations where they will end up being hurt badly.

Right you were going to be with your Master, that is quite different than going to meet a bunch of strangers. Had I a Master, driving for hours and hours back and forth in order to spend time with him would not be a problem for me at all.

Let me remind you of the exact advice I offered Bi-Bunny in regards to her fear and I quote myself:

Then the only way to find out if that kind of pain will give you the satisfaction and relief you crave...is to bite the bullet and do it..ask them to push you past your normal pain threshold to see how far you can go. Then push you past that point to the point THEY think you can handle right now. Thats where your trust has to come in..you don't have to trust yourself, just to trust that they will know when to stop.

[/QUOTE]

I do not need r/l experience in the BDSM lifestyle in order to safely offer this advice. This advice holds true in any kind of situational fear. It's common knowledge that taking action and facing your fears is the only way to discover if they are indeed valid fears or fears you have just invented in your mind and blown out of proportion. It is the only way to gauge the depth of your fear how that particular fear impacts your emotional health.

The "bite the bullet and face your fears" advice I offered Bi-bunny is a widely used method of therapy for people suffering from fear disorders. I do not need to have submitted myself completely in real life in order to know this is good, solid, safe advice that has been proven to work. So my advice does have basis in reality.

I am not telling Bi-Bunny anything that she doesn't already know herself. Also Bi-Bunny is already aware that I have no r/l experience in this lifestyle. I don't offer advice if I believe that advice should only come from people living this lifestyle choice. If I do edge towards giving that kind of advice then I DO tell them that advice is coming from someone with only on-line exp.

To only have it in fantasy. It wouldn't work for me.

For one thing...have I claimed it was working for me? Don't think I have. Did I ever say that I did not hope to someday be able to actualize my submission in real life and make it part of my life? No I didn't

I am a fairly intelligent grown adult woman. By what you are telling me here, I get the hint that you think I am ignorant enough to think that the r/l is anything even close to being the same as on-line. I know it is not and I have never thought that it was and I not have I implied that I think it is.

I have been asking questions, gathering different ideas, reading different views about this lifestyle from people who do live it r/l - 24/7 for several years now. And I have asked hundreds of people, hundreds of questions. I have read and studied a lot of material about D/s M/s relationships. I'm not saying that this makes me as knowledgeable as you or anyone else who have experience.

But I am not talking out my ass either or making shit up as I go just for the hell of it, just to post something. I do know what I am talking about most of the time, and much of what I post here are my own personal views and opinions about what others post here. I am not trying to make myself out to be something I am not.
So please if you have a real problem with me giving advice in this forum then show me one post where I give advice to others that is wrong, bad or that could hurt them or be dangerous to them. Show me one question that I need real life experience under my belt in order to answer. Then tell me if you still have a problem with what I contribute to this forum.

 

[nh23]

I do not need r/l experience in the BDSM lifestyle in order to safely offer this advice. This advice holds true in any kind of situational fear. It's common knowledge that taking action and facing your fears is the only way to discover if they are indeed valid fears or fears you have just invented in your mind and blown out of proportion. It is the only way to gauge the depth of your fear how that particular fear impacts your emotional health.

The "bite the bullet and face your fears" advice I offered Bi-bunny is a widely used method of therapy for people suffering from fear disorders. I do not need to have submitted myself completely in real life in order to know this is good, solid, safe advice that has been proven to work. So my advice does have basis in reality.

Sure it does. The therapy technique you are talking about is called exposure. It's done under the strict guidance of a mental health professional. For a good reason. Let's say she bites the bullet and they do indeed push her past the point where she is comfortable, and where there are comfortable. She has a complete meltdown. I bet two average people with no experience with mental health issues are going to know how to handle that.

It's also used for people who have unnatural fears, especially OCD. I"ve never seen it used in a S&M or pain play situation.

I am not telling Bi-Bunny anything that she doesn't already know herself. Also Bi-Bunny is already aware that I have no r/l experience in this lifestyle. I don't offer advice if I believe that advice should only come from people living this lifestyle choice. If I do edge towards giving that kind of advice then I DO tell them that advice is coming from someone with only on-line exp.

Well this situation would have been a good time to have made it clear. Bunny knows, but do other people in this same situation reading know too?

I am a fairly intelligent grown adult woman. By what you are telling me here, I get the hint that you think I am ignorant enough to think that the r/l is anything even close to being the same as on-line. I know it is not and I have never thought that it was and I not have I implied that I think it is.

Offering advice on something you know nothing about or have r/l experience in shows that ignorance.

I have been asking questions, gathering different ideas, reading different views about this lifestyle from people who do live it r/l - 24/7 for several years now. And I have asked hundreds of people, hundreds of questions. I have read and studied a lot of material about D/s M/s relationships. I'm not saying that this makes me as knowledgeable as you or anyone else who have experience.

You're right. It doesn't.

But I am not talking out my ass either or making shit up as I go just for the hell of it, just to post something. I do know what I am talking about most of the time, and much of what I post here are my own personal views and opinions about what others post here. I am not trying to make myself out to be something I am not.

That's subjective. In my opinion offering advice on something you know nothing about is talking out of your ass.

So please if you have a real problem with me giving advice in this forum then show me one post where I give advice to others that is wrong, bad or that could hurt them or be dangerous to them. Show me one question that I need real life experience under my belt in order to answer. Then tell me if you still have a problem with what I contribute to this forum.

I do still have a problem with it. I think your advice to Bunny falls in the category where it could be hurtful or dangerous. I think you need r/l experience under you belt to give advice on ANY r/l situation. If that makes me a bitch so be it.