Favorite passages from non-existent books

[CHNOPS]

I can't believe there's not already a thread about this. Non-existent books have some of the most beautiful passages in all of modern literature. For example, here's one of my favorites.

It's from "A Turtle-Shaped Love" by William DeHart Swinsey. Right after Cheruba finds the castanets, Argile accuses her of being a time-traveling Nazi guard named Ernst. She breaks down and admits that he is right, and he says,

"Cry not, for it only shows the contours of your face, the dunes of flesh around your eyes, the powdery lie of your make-up. Instead, juggle: for it will make a child laugh and harden your considerable but neglected nipples, making them not unlike portable domes of happiness protecting your lowering breasts from a world of ills and unkindnesses. Yes: only juggle!"

I am still moved every time I think about not reading that the first time.

Now it's your turn. Post your favorites here!

 

[QueenLevitra]

Is it too early for a pity bump?

 

[CHNOPS]

Is it too early for a pity bump?

Good choice! Can also include the author and title?

 

[QueenLevitra]

Good choice! Can also include the author and title?

You're asking me for this shit??

Come on, you know me better than that.

 

[KingOrfeo]

"The nethermost caverns," wrote the mad Arab [Abdul Alhazred, in the Necronomicon,] "are not for the fathoming of eyes that see; for their marvels are strange and terrific. Cursed the ground where dead thoughts live new and oddly bodied, and evil the mind that is held by no head. Wisely did Ibn Schacabao say, that happy is the tomb where no wizard hath lain, and happy the town at night whose wizards are all ashes. For it is of old rumour that the soul of the devil-bought hastes not from his charnel clay, but fats and instructs the very worm that gnaws; till out of corruption horrid life springs, and the dull scavengers of earth wax crafty to vex it and swell monstrous to plague it. Great holes secretly are digged where earth's pores ought to suffice, and things have learnt to walk that ought to crawl."

-- H.P. Lovecraft, "The Festival"

 

[Cade Is Here]

What about the beautiful stories from samuelx?

 

[QueenLevitra]

BTW, I love The Castanets.

Other than that I got nothing but brain dead and mind numbing fatigue.

I blame moms basement.

 

[KingOrfeo]

The King in Yellow, Act I, Scene 2d:

Camilla: You, sir, should unmask.

Stranger: Indeed?

Cassilda: Indeed it's time. We have all laid aside disguise but you.

Stranger: I wear no mask.

Camilla: (Terrified, aside to Cassilda.) No mask? No mask!

-- "The Mask," Robert W. Chambers

 

[phrodeau]

I particularly enjoy Chrononhotonthologos, a play by Henry Carey.

He sleeps supine amidst the din of war:
And yet 'tis not definitively sleep;
Rather a kind of doze, a waking slumber,
That sheds a stupefaction o'er his senses;
For now he nods and snores; anon he starts;
Then nods and snores again: If this be sleep,
Tell me, ye Gods! what mortal man's awake!

Aldi. Speak not, great Chrononhotonthologos,
In accents so injuriously severe
Of Fadladinida, your faithful queen;
By me she sends an embassy of love,
Sweet blandishment and kind congratulations,
But, cannot, oh! she cannot, come herself.

Chro. Our rage is turn'd to fear--what ails the
queen?

Aldi. A sudden diarrhoea's rapid force
So stimulates the peristaltic motion,
That she by far out-does her late out-doing,
And all conclude her royal life in danger.

Chro. What means the traitor?

Bomb. ----------traitor, in thy teeth
Thus I defy thee!
[They fight--he kills the king.

----------Ha! what have I done?
Go call a coach, and let a coach be call'd,
And let the man that calls it be the caller;
And, in his calling, let him nothing call,
But coach! coach! coach! oh! for a coach, ye
gods!
[Exit raving.

 

[thør]

"Just sit back and relax, Boris. What could happen?"

From: The Russian Disaster

By: Natasha Bitchakokoff

 

[butters]

from 007 and 1/2's Dog Days, chapter 3: Too Much Cheese, Gromit?

The wild oak wept inconsolably as the refrains of Jedward's latest tormented the boggy patch of woodland where he stood. Wallace sighed, and stretched out an arm that seemed to stretch forever, to dab at a rolling orb with his cheddar-embroidered hanky.

"There there, old chap - you'll ruin yer wood if you carry on like that. I'll put on the kettle and . . . ooooOOOOOOOOH! Don't you go baring your bark at me like that. It's not polite, you know, especially when . . . Gromit! Help!!!! This tree's trying to eat me!!!"

Pulling on his wellies, Gromit hoisted his double-barrel and walk purposefully over to the tree as Wallace flapped a teatowel in its general direction. Fixing the oak with a stern look that translated as "Don't eat the fool, he'll give you indigestion", Gromit quietly wet his finger and raised it to the air. Nodding to himself, he put the stock to his shoulder and took careful aim. Two reports shook the air, making the oak stop blubbing and lose a brace of acorns. Simultaneous squawks and a sudden cessation of the abominable noise that was Jedward singing proved, once again, Gromit's hidden talents. He walked off into the sunset muttering something under his breath that sounded suspiciously scottish ''...the name'sh Bond..."

Pulling itself together, the grateful oak offered an olive branch to the bemused Wallace whose head hurt from having things called thoughts. The heretical notion that all this was due to an overdose of cheese peeped over the yellow-brick wall of his consciousness only to be grilled to a lovely, bubbling golden brown on thick wedges of ...

 

[Wings]

"The fate of the world was in our hands, was she going to cut the red wire or the blue? Her breaths came in a choppy rush, wafting the peppermint scent throughout the small room. As she turned to her partner everyone waited with bated breath to hear what she had to say.

"Let's go get some pizza, I'm hungry"


Boom!"

A passage from The Life and Times of Byron.

 

[QueenLevitra]

"The fate of the world was in our hands, was she going to cut the red wire or the blue? Her breaths came in a choppy rush, wafting the peppermint scent throughout the small room. As she turned to her partner everyone waited with bated breath to hear what she had to say.

"Let's go get some pizza, I'm hungry"


Boom!"

A passage from The Life and Times of Byron.

5*s!

Byron's finally hit the big time.

 

[KyleW]

The Bible Part 2: Meh Whatever


And there came a voice from heaven saying, I love all people, stop twisting my words you dickfaces. Jesus, son of me and all that nonsense, kill me some church leaders, and pick up some milk

Jesus, looking upon his wallet bemoaned, god, dad, sanctimonious asshat, get your own fucking milk

Once more, from heaven, a voice, filled with rage, and probably some lust, I don't know, we're writing this shit hundreds of years later, and you're going to assume god hates gays anyway, YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT, I NEVER WANTED TO IMPREGNATE THAT WHORESLUT

This goes on for a while, we presume. Again, we weren't alive for any of this. Go start some wars jackasses, really that's all you're good for. Also, Twilight was better written than the Bible, TAKE THAT.


-various authors

 

[thør]

"The fate of the world was in our hands, was she going to cut the red wire or the blue? Her breaths came in a choppy rush, wafting the peppermint scent throughout the small room. As she turned to her partner everyone waited with bated breath to hear what she had to say.

"Let's go get some pizza, I'm hungry"


Boom!"

A passage from The Life and Times of Byron.

This was a MacGruber skit from SNL.

 

[KyleW]

This was a MacGruber skit from SNL.

A non-existent book plagiarized SNL? That's some of that inception mind twisty shit, except pretty understandable, which is also like inception.

 

[Wings]

This was a MacGruber skit from SNL.

Dammit. I can't even do this fucking thread right.

Shut up, Kyle.

 

[DemianBiros]

-- "The Mask," Robert W. Chambers

Grand!Thought Chambers and his unclean book long forgotten,but it still squirms out and infects the world yet.........

 

[glynndah]

Irving Wallace wrote a book in 1969 about the fictional obscenity trial of a banned book. The "banned book" in question was a woman's thoughts during seven minutes of sexual intercourse. It is referred to throughout Wallace's novel, but never quoted from.

"After 35 Years of Suppression, the Most Reviled and Praised Novel in History - Written by an expatriate American - Will Be Available to the Public at Last! You must read -'The most widely and completely banned book of all time.' Osservatore Romano, Rome You must read -'The most obscene piece of pornography written since Gutenberg invented movable type. . . . Brilliant as a private revelation,but unforgivable as a public confession. 'Le Figaro, Paris You must read - 'One of the most honest, sensitive, and distinguished works of art created in modern Western literature. 'Sir Esmond Ingram, London Times WITH GENUINE PRIDE, SANFORD HOUSE, PUBLISHERS, OFFERS AMERICA AND THE WORLD THE UNEXPURGATED ORIGINAL VERSION OF THE UNDERGROUND MODERN CLASSIC THE SEVEN MINUTES BY J J JADWAY. There was more, Kellog could see, but he did not bother to read it. He had read it all in last Sunday's newspaper. Briefly, Kellog's gaze shifted to the contents of the display window. The window contained many books, three soaring pyramids of books, but all the volumes were one book, bearing one and the same title. Each copy featured a white dust jacket, and on the front cover was delicately etched the faint outline of a nude young woman lying on her back with her bent legs up high and wide apart. Imprinted over this, in artistically simulated longhand, colored, was the title The Seven Minutes,and below it 'by JJjadway.' J, no period, J, no period, Jadway.

The Seven Minutes by Irving Wallace.

 

[QueenLevitra]

I'm sorry I ever doubted you.

This thread is fast becoming my very favorite.

The GB lives!!

 

[JohnnySavage]

I can't believe there's not already a thread about this. Non-existent books have some of the most beautiful passages in all of modern literature. For example, here's one of my favorites.

It's from "A Turtle-Shaped Love" by William DeHart Swinsey. Right after Cheruba finds the castanets, Argile accuses her of being a time-traveling Nazi guard named Ernst. She breaks down and admits that he is right, and he says,

"Cry not, for it only shows the contours of your face, the dunes of flesh around your eyes, the powdery lie of your make-up. Instead, juggle: for it will make a child laugh and harden your considerable but neglected nipples, making them not unlike portable domes of happiness protecting your lowering breasts from a world of ills and unkindnesses. Yes: only juggle!"

I am still moved every time I think about not reading that the first time.

Now it's your turn. Post your favorites here!

I thought that might be my favorite book, but then I couldn't divide my age by 5 and realized it wasn't.

 

[Cade Is Here]

from 007 and 1/2's Dog Days, chapter 3: Too Much Cheese, Gromit?

The wild oak wept inconsolably as the refrains of Jedward's latest tormented the boggy patch of woodland where he stood. Wallace sighed, and stretched out an arm that seemed to stretch forever, to dab at a rolling orb with his cheddar-embroidered hanky.

"There there, old chap - you'll ruin yer wood if you carry on like that. I'll put on the kettle and . . . ooooOOOOOOOOH! Don't you go baring your bark at me like that. It's not polite, you know, especially when . . . Gromit! Help!!!! This tree's trying to eat me!!!"

Pulling on his wellies, Gromit hoisted his double-barrel and walk purposefully over to the tree as Wallace flapped a teatowel in its general direction. Fixing the oak with a stern look that translated as "Don't eat the fool, he'll give you indigestion", Gromit quietly wet his finger and raised it to the air. Nodding to himself, he put the stock to his shoulder and took careful aim. Two reports shook the air, making the oak stop blubbing and lose a brace of acorns. Simultaneous squawks and a sudden cessation of the abominable noise that was Jedward singing proved, once again, Gromit's hidden talents. He walked off into the sunset muttering something under his breath that sounded suspiciously scottish ''...the name'sh Bond..."

Pulling itself together, the grateful oak offered an olive branch to the bemused Wallace whose head hurt from having things called thoughts. The heretical notion that all this was due to an overdose of cheese peeped over the yellow-brick wall of his consciousness only to be grilled to a lovely, bubbling golden brown on thick wedges of ...

Holy shit... you are here !!

 

[QueenLevitra]

Holy shit... you are here !!

Yup.

The yip yip of your minion has done quite the numb er on many, here.

Unlike you.

But you already knew that.

 

[butters]

Holy shit... you are here !!

do i know you?
no - you're just a cade moron

Yup.

The yip yip of your minion has done quite the numb er on many, here.

Unlike you.

But you already knew that.

and you're trying to imply what, exactly?

 

[CHNOPS]

We danced on sweet tea and feasted on thoughts of fire and skin. A chigger-bug took aim at the throat of the whore Benicia. I killed them both. The cancer in my fingers turned to butter, and I prepared the flesh of a recently birthed baboon for a celebratory feast. My eyes burned. It was Spain, and we were young, and no one was ever as tall or in love as we three, the whore, the baboon, and me.

--Ernest Falconer, The Whore, The Baboon, and Me