Facing my own submission.

[kimuk]

Sometimes you have to come to terms with what your personal submission is to yourself before you can move on. I think I've been reticent to admit and share what I've discovered about myself, with him, in case it increases his power and stokes the fire.
But I have taken some time to ponder on what our last 18 months has taught me about myself as a submissive.
That pain and pleasure are linked for me. Entwined. That sometimes it scares me that its an aspect I enjoy/crave/submit to and continue to explore.
That if I say stop or No or I can't , it my way of saying make me, force me, push me. That my only full stop is my safe word.
That I love his control , weather its a simple instruction which comes out of the blue, a task to be completed or the intensity of a play session. The tighter he holds me , the more content I feel.
That the emotions, the mental struggel , the physical experiances are woven and interlinked and each feeds and nutures the other.

Just simple things I supose, but I've found them hard to admit to myself. That my need for all of the above runs deep for me. But every Sub has her own set of issues she has had to face up to and admit to herself and her Dom.

What have you learned?

The thing about this place is that I see many posts and threads which reflect my feelings so it helps me feel "normal" and that actually "Good Girls" do like all this and that I'm OK.

 

[Micklesko]

Sometimes you have to come to terms with what your personal submission is to yourself before you can move on. I think I've been reticent to admit and share what I've discovered about myself, with him, in case it increases his power and stokes the fire.
But I have taken some time to ponder on what our last 18 months has taught me about myself as a submissive.
That pain and pleasure are linked for me. Entwined. That sometimes it scares me that its an aspect I enjoy/crave/submit to and continue to explore.
That if I say stop or No or I can't , it my way of saying make me, force me, push me. That my only full stop is my safe word.
That I love his control , weather its a simple instruction which comes out of the blue, a task to be completed or the intensity of a play session. The tighter he holds me , the more content I feel.
That the emotions, the mental struggel , the physical experiances are woven and interlinked and each feeds and nutures the other.

Just simple things I supose, but I've found them hard to admit to myself. That my need for all of the above runs deep for me. But every Sub has her own set of issues she has had to face up to and admit to herself and her Dom.

What have you learned?

The thing about this place is that I see many posts and threads which reflect my feelings so it helps me feel "normal" and that actually "Good Girls" do like all this and that I'm OK.

You are OK little girl.
When two people willingly do things with each other within that relationship there is no "wrong" with it.
Everyone has desires and needs and when you find a MATCH for you, the needs and desires of both fit like a puzzle piece.
It is a good thing.

 

[intothewoods]

What is the struggle for you? And what has changed? I'm just curious.

 

[kimuk]

You are OK little girl.
When two people willingly do things with each other within that relationship there is no "wrong" with it.
Everyone has desires and needs and when you find a MATCH for you, the needs and desires of both fit like a puzzle piece.
It is a good thing.

Thanks , yes I know , I supose its been hard to admit them to myself as Ive discovered and learned?

 

[kimuk]

What is the struggle for you? And what has changed? I'm just curious.

i think my struggel is just coming to terms with my sexuality, my responses and accepting my reactions to the physical, mental and emotional aspects.

 

[JamieJ424]

My take, from the outside looking in, is that it's sometimes it's hard to reconcile a strong self image with submissive needs. For a woman who is strong and capable, and for whom success has been a hard fought battle for peer esteem and credit for her own achievements, giving up control and submitting to anyone goes against the grain and seems to fly in the face of everything her life stands for. So finding within herself a desire to be controlled, taken, used, rendered helpless...I would imagine that to be hard to accept. That is just my $.02.

I hope it all works out for you. It sounds like you are on the right track.

J

 

[kimuk]

My take, from the outside looking in, is that it's sometimes it's hard to reconcile a strong self image with submissive needs. For a woman who is strong and capable, and for whom success has been a hard fought battle for peer esteem and credit for her own achievements, giving up control and submitting to anyone goes against the grain and seems to fly in the face of everything her life stands for. So finding within herself a desire to be controlled, taken, used, rendered helpless...I would imagine that to be hard to accept. That is just my $.02.

I hope it all works out for you. It sounds like you are on the right track.

J

Thanks J

I think there is a lot of truth in what you say. I have a fairly responsible job and I'm used to making decisions and sorting things out.
Its almost as if my world has been flipped upside down? Like 2 sides of my personality which co-exist. But the "journey", for want of a better word, isn't static. We get to a point and it's like he spins me around and I'm faced with another challenge, another set of decisions to make and new sensations.
Sometimes I think I over think things or try and over analysise myself. But I think thats because I take it seriously and want to understand why he makes me feel the way he does and that the intensity of my reactions are "normal"

 

[JamieJ424]

I think you should let go of that word, normal. Normal is an illusion. No one is normal.

Intensity is scary, but it's desirable, right? That intensity should strengthen your bond with him and deepen the level of trust.

You should look at it as an act of courage to share so much and trust so completely.

J

 

[Fraulein_S]

My take, from the outside looking in, is that it's sometimes it's hard to reconcile a strong self image with submissive needs. For a woman who is strong and capable, and for whom success has been a hard fought battle for peer esteem and credit for her own achievements, giving up control and submitting to anyone goes against the grain and seems to fly in the face of everything her life stands for. So finding within herself a desire to be controlled, taken, used, rendered helpless...I would imagine that to be hard to accept. That is just my $.02.

I hope it all works out for you. It sounds like you are on the right track.

J

This is a cool way to summarize it!