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Exploding nipples???!!

There was this couple, who were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

That morning, while sitting at the breakfast table, the husband says to his wife, "Just think honey, we’ve actually made it fifty years together".

"Yeah" she replies, fifty years ago today, we were sitting here in this very kitchen.

"I remember", says the old man, "But we were probably sitting here naked". With that comment, granny starts to chuckle.

What do you think hot cakes, one more time for the good ole’ days. With that, they both stripped to the buff, and sat back down at the table.

"You know honey" the little old lady breathlessly says. My nipples are as hot for you today, as they were 50 years ago.

"That doesn't surprise me", replies the old man, "One nipple is in your coffee, and other one is in your oatmeal".
 
Re: lol

islander01 said:
thanks I needed a laugh

by the way this wasnt me:D
Click to expand...



And I didn't write this...


Giving head with pride and skill



Women in our society are plagued by many problems. We have to worry about how much Prada is appropriate for an outfit, how many calories are really in a stalk of celery, and of course, the eternal question that has plagued women for centuries: whether to give head to that guy you just met at a frat party or to 'slide by' with a hand job.

Many women are reluctant to have a 'sausage' breakfast, if you will, because they think it makes them look like a whore, which is totally not true. Wearing an old navy tube top with a Forever 21 miniskirt makes you look like a whore, specifically a cheap whore. Giving head, however, is a form of female empowerment, kind of like wearing a really low-cut shirt to a job interview. You should never hesitate to give head to any guy who shows even a modicum of interest in you.


It is totally normal, however, to have qualms about eating at the Restaurant de Phallus. Thankfully, in most instances there are creative ways to get around these so-called 'moral qualms' that you may have. For example, half the fun of giving head is gossiping about it with your girlfriends the next day. It is understandable, however, to not want to necessarily talk openly about it in a public place.


To solve this problem, my freshman year roommates and I created a code word so that we could talk openly about our oral sex adventures. We came up with the word 'BeeJay' because it was the name of my friend's hamster. Over Saturday morning brunch, we could talk about last night's foray into fellatio country without anyone catching on. I could scream, 'Hey, guess who I gave a BeeJay to last night?' and only my friends knew what I was talking about.


A lot of my friends say they don't like the thought of a penis being in their mouth for an extended period of time because of the whole gag reflex thing. My advice for getting over this is practice, practice, practice. I found that certain types of fruit work best. Let's just put it this way: I didn't buy 300 bananas first semester because I had a potassium deficiency. I find that it is best to practice on the fruit in front of a guy so that he can give you pointers (although he might get a pointer himself while you are doing this, if you know what I mean).


Once you've sufficiently mastered the art of pleasuring a piece of fruit, it's time to move on to the real thing. Start by going to a frat party. Get really drunk, as in breasts-falling-out-of-your-already-skanky-halter-top drunk. Then suavely approach any guy in the room who looks desperate and/or looks like a basketball player, and tell him that you want to give him head. Don't try to be discreet or mysterious about it, ‘cause guys hate that crap.


One problem that you will inevitably encounter is that men, unlike bananas, ejaculate. To swallow or not to swallow is a very personal choice, and one that every gal has to make for herself. Semen has 15 calories in it, so my rule of thumb is that if I had lunch that day, I spit; but if I haven't eaten, I swallow. A girl has to get her calories from somewhere! And believe it or not, semen is chock full of essential vitamins and nutrients, so it's practically a low cal smoothie.


Whatever you do, do not just give a boy a hand job. Giving a guy a hand job is like telling him that you're taking him to London but then just dropping him off in Fargo, North Dakota. If you only want to take a guy to North Dakota, then don't bother doing anything at all, lest you be labeled a tease.


After the oral act has been performed, leave the party, and do the stride of pride back to your dorm room. You've earned it. Sure, next time you see that guy on campus he may avoid eye contact with you and instead jab his buddy in the arm and say, 'Hey, there's that slut who gave me crabs! SLUT!', but don't be fooled. You have earned his respect. As my hero, Samantha Jones from Sex and the City says, "You may be on your knees, honey, but you've got him by the balls." Nuff said.
 
Re: Re: lol

cookiejar said:
And I didn't write this...


Giving head with pride and skill



Women in our society are plagued by many problems. We have to worry about how much Prada is appropriate for an outfit, how many calories are really in a stalk of celery, and of course, the eternal question that has plagued women for centuries: whether to give head to that guy you just met at a frat party or to 'slide by' with a hand job.

Many women are reluctant to have a 'sausage' breakfast, if you will, because they think it makes them look like a whore, which is totally not true. Wearing an old navy tube top with a Forever 21 miniskirt makes you look like a whore, specifically a cheap whore. Giving head, however, is a form of female empowerment, kind of like wearing a really low-cut shirt to a job interview. You should never hesitate to give head to any guy who shows even a modicum of interest in you.


It is totally normal, however, to have qualms about eating at the Restaurant de Phallus. Thankfully, in most instances there are creative ways to get around these so-called 'moral qualms' that you may have. For example, half the fun of giving head is gossiping about it with your girlfriends the next day. It is understandable, however, to not want to necessarily talk openly about it in a public place.


To solve this problem, my freshman year roommates and I created a code word so that we could talk openly about our oral sex adventures. We came up with the word 'BeeJay' because it was the name of my friend's hamster. Over Saturday morning brunch, we could talk about last night's foray into fellatio country without anyone catching on. I could scream, 'Hey, guess who I gave a BeeJay to last night?' and only my friends knew what I was talking about.


A lot of my friends say they don't like the thought of a penis being in their mouth for an extended period of time because of the whole gag reflex thing. My advice for getting over this is practice, practice, practice. I found that certain types of fruit work best. Let's just put it this way: I didn't buy 300 bananas first semester because I had a potassium deficiency. I find that it is best to practice on the fruit in front of a guy so that he can give you pointers (although he might get a pointer himself while you are doing this, if you know what I mean).


Once you've sufficiently mastered the art of pleasuring a piece of fruit, it's time to move on to the real thing. Start by going to a frat party. Get really drunk, as in breasts-falling-out-of-your-already-skanky-halter-top drunk. Then suavely approach any guy in the room who looks desperate and/or looks like a basketball player, and tell him that you want to give him head. Don't try to be discreet or mysterious about it, ‘cause guys hate that crap.


One problem that you will inevitably encounter is that men, unlike bananas, ejaculate. To swallow or not to swallow is a very personal choice, and one that every gal has to make for herself. Semen has 15 calories in it, so my rule of thumb is that if I had lunch that day, I spit; but if I haven't eaten, I swallow. A girl has to get her calories from somewhere! And believe it or not, semen is chock full of essential vitamins and nutrients, so it's practically a low cal smoothie.


Whatever you do, do not just give a boy a hand job. Giving a guy a hand job is like telling him that you're taking him to London but then just dropping him off in Fargo, North Dakota. If you only want to take a guy to North Dakota, then don't bother doing anything at all, lest you be labeled a tease.


After the oral act has been performed, leave the party, and do the stride of pride back to your dorm room. You've earned it. Sure, next time you see that guy on campus he may avoid eye contact with you and instead jab his buddy in the arm and say, 'Hey, there's that slut who gave me crabs! SLUT!', but don't be fooled. You have earned his respect. As my hero, Samantha Jones from Sex and the City says, "You may be on your knees, honey, but you've got him by the balls." Nuff said.
Click to expand...

Laughing

I didnt write it either but I think I like it:D

Bananas dont ejaculate???:confused:
 
Re: Re: Re: lol

islander01 said:
Laughing

I didnt write it either but I think I like it:D

Bananas dont ejaculate???:confused:
Click to expand...



No and I've tried...I sucked till my eyes popped out...sheesh:rolleyes:
 
a question?

we have a fill in mail carrier every now and then. shes a hot little blond and I fantasize about having glorious 5 way sex with her.

is that a federal crime?
 
Re: a question?

islander01 said:
we have a fill in mail carrier every now and then. shes a hot little blond and I fantasize about having glorious 5 way sex with her.

is that a federal crime?
Click to expand...



I'm not sure...just have her check her weapon at the door before you start filling holes...:rolleyes:


5-way? You bringing in the horses too?
 
Re: Re: a question?

cookiejar said:
I'm not sure...just have her check her weapon at the door before you start filling holes...:rolleyes:


5-way? You bringing in the horses too?
Click to expand...


Just something about the way she slides the bills in to my slot.

mmm damn sexy :D
 
Re: Re: Re: a question?

islander01 said:
Just something about the way she slides the bills in to my slot.

mmm damn sexy :D
Click to expand...



You have a slot? I have a box...oh that was bad...:rolleyes:
 
Re: Re: Re: Re: a question?

cookiejar said:
You have a slot? I have a box...oh that was bad...:rolleyes:
Click to expand...
Does it have room for big packages or do you have em bring it to the back door?


ackk its getting worse I should ajust my meds
 
Re: Re: Re: did I mention

islander01 said:
Sigh:( why do I always have that effect on women:rolleyes:
Click to expand...



Awwwww big guy...I won't leave...I'm a glutton for punishment...
 
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