Equality in relationships

[Gord]

Is it ever possible to get true equality in a relationship

I mean to be at peace totaly with each other - where there is no petty jealousy, no silly arguments, where you are both at ease and heading in the same direction

Or is this just an impossible dream. Are the two sexes doomed to always have some sort of mini battle - wither this be over sex, money, who does housework, sport , friends , etc etc etc

are we so diferent ?

 

[Star of Penumbra]

It depends entirely on the couple.

 

[Sillyman]

Yes. It's just dependent on giving them everything they want.

 

[Gord]

Yes but I find there is usually some sort of cycle in relationships where one person might be offering more unconditional love and the other one might be being a bit arsy

It never seems to all be clicking at the same time

Most of my friends in relationships all seem to be on some sort of rollercoaster - granted sometimes it is calm - but then before you know it you are at Coney Island with front row seats for the big dipper

I have come to the conclusion that if you cohabitate with your partner there is always going to be something that stresses each other -

 

[Sillyman]

Yes but I find there is usually some sort of cycle in relationships where one person might be offering more unconditional love and the other one might be being a bit arsy

It never seems to all be clicking at the same time

Most of my friends in relationships all seem to be on some sort of rollercoaster - granted sometimes it is calm - but then before you know it you are at Coney Island with front row seats for the big dipper

I have come to the conclusion that if you cohabitate with your partner there is always going to be something that stresses each other -

Unless you two were capable of agreeing on everything, had the exact same values, and were capable of living up to each others values, there will always be something, you're right.

 

[lovetoread]

There will never be equality in my relationships.

By choice.

But even in a "normal" relationship,there always has to be someone who leads.

It may not be the same one each time,but someone has to be behind the wheel,so to speak.

 

[Gord]

There will never be equality in my relationships.

By choice.

But even in a "normal" relationship,there always has to be someone who leads.

It may not be the same one each time,but someone has to be behind the wheel,so to speak.

So its not just me "phew" - that is it - there is always someone who is leading - granted we all change sides now and again and take the wheel ( to continue the metaphor ) - but it is all to do with your insecurities that week/day/month

My GF is going through a very needy stage and wants constant reassurance that I love/want etc.

It is getting a bit draining as every little thing can be taken at completely the wrong way

I didnt kiss her with real passion in the morning as I said goodbye at station - so thet means I dont REALLY care - but I do

if my emails are not full of love and passion then we are getting boring and mundane

Sometimes I just want a little downtime - the thing is I know in a month or three it might be me

 

[sexy-girl]

we click but we still argue she loves me equally as much as i love her she gives me as much as i give back

but we still argue sometimes the first few months we didn't argue at all ever but then we did sometimes i think it was because we were maybe holding back at the start

now we dont hold back we're completely ourselves with each other and we love each other more for that but then occasionally we're argue but i think thats good its normal


if a couple never ever argue i think they are not truly being themselves with each other

 

[bknight2602]

There will never be equality in my relationships.

By choice.

But even in a "normal" relationship,there always has to be someone who leads.

It may not be the same one each time,but someone has to be behind the wheel,so to speak.

Yes I think that is a acurate observation of most relationships. It is almost impossible to be 50-50, pride gets in the way too often.

 

[Hamletmaschine]

I'm not sure that what you're looking for is possible--or even desirable. If you found it for any great length of time, you'd both be bored out of your skulls. Or dead.

Although I'm not sure what you mean by an "equal" or a "peaceful" relationship, all relationships go through stages of development (and decline) and cycles of harmony and discord. What you seem to be asking for is a relationship that is exempt from such things--one that has achieved a kind of perfection. To me, that's like asking for a life in which you would never suffer from illness, injury, hunger, discomfort, or depression.

It's a nice ideal to contemplate but not too realistic.

Conflict is not a bad thing in a relationship. What is bad is that most people don't deal with conflict very well. Conflict is necessary in a relationship. Without it, a relationship would stagnate and decay.

 

[peachykeen]

I think it's impossible to be 50/50 at every moment in every aspect of the relationship. One person will always be bringing in more money, one will always be doing more of the cleaning, one will spend more time with the kids, one will make more purchases for the home, etc. etc. The goal is to achieve overall balance. And this I think is entirely possible, so long as you respect yourselves (key ingredient, there) and eachother.

I can count on one hand the number of times my husband and I have actually fought about anything. Sure we have disagreements all the time here and there, but actual arguments are rare. I don't agree with sexy girl that this means we are not being ourselves with eachother; quite the contrary. I say what I think, he says what he thinks, we work it out without yelling at eachother 99 times out of 100. We have different strengths and weaknesses so some decisions I let him handle, and soem he leaves to me, and some we compromise.

If you think your partner is your equal, then he or she is. It's not that complicated really.

 

[sexy-girl]

we dont yell ... i've never raised my voice to her in my life well not in anger

what i meant by arguements were disagreements

 

[Gord]

I'm not sure that what you're looking for is possible--or even desirable. If you found it for any great length of time, you'd both be bored out of your skulls. Or dead.

Although I'm not sure what you mean by an "equal" or a "peaceful" relationship, all relationships go through stages of development (and decline) and cycles of harmony and discord. What you seem to be asking for is a relationship that is exempt from such things--one that has achieved a kind of perfection. To me, that's like asking for a life in which you would never suffer from illness, injury, hunger, discomfort, or depression.

It's a nice ideal to contemplate but not too realistic.

Conflict is not a bad thing in a relationship. What is bad is that most people don't deal with conflict very well. Conflict is necessary in a relationship. Without it, a relationship would stagnate and decay.

But surely if you could avoid conflict you would - no-one realy enjoys conflict ? do they

Lately I seem to be in a roller coaster of a relationship - where the arguments tend to be going that bit further and then we have a bit of remorse etc and we make up - I recognise this type of behaviour in a lot of friends I have. Sometimes I think is it just me or is it has you say human nature to have discord and that there is no sort of thing as a perfect relationship.

I am thinking about this a lot - why cant I find the perfect match for me - should I be more calculating about it - rather than leave it up to chance and lust. Maybe I should go down the computer matching path and find my ideal mate - !!

 

[juicylips]

I am thinking about this a lot - why cant I find the perfect match for me - should I be more calculating about it - rather than leave it up to chance and lust. Maybe I should go down the computer matching path and find my ideal mate - !!

Hiya, G

What you're looking for doesn't exist. Two people will always equal some kind of conflict. Everyone's ideas of what constitutes a relationship differs, their needs and expectations are never the same, hence...conflict...misunderstanding...arguments.

I'm working on a cure for this. When my book comes out, I'll let you know.
JL

 

[Calamity Jane]

But surely if you could avoid conflict you would - no-one realy enjoys conflict ? do they

Look at it this way. Conflict encourages growth. We all hope, when we're in a relationship that the conflicts encourage us to grow closer together, and stronger, and in a good relationship, they do.

Lately I seem to be in a roller coaster of a relationship - where the arguments tend to be going that bit further and then we have a bit of remorse etc and we make up - I recognise this type of behaviour in a lot of friends I have. Sometimes I think is it just me or is it has you say human nature to have discord and that there is no sort of thing as a perfect relationship.

I don't think it sounds like there's anything wrong with your relationship. Yes, your GF sounds needy right now, but if that's out of character for her, go with the flow for awhile and see how it ends up.

I am thinking about this a lot - why cant I find the perfect match for me - should I be more calculating about it - rather than leave it up to chance and lust. Maybe I should go down the computer matching path and find my ideal mate - !!
I think that the biggest problem you're having is confusing a 'good' relationship with some ideal that doesn't really exist. You can't take two people, who have faults just like everyone else, and expect them to form something perfect. What you need to do is find the person whos faults you can live with, and that don't make your faults worse.

 

[Hamletmaschine]

It's true that many people do go to extraordinary lengths to try to avoid conflict in a relationship. Avoidance is one of the main conflict styles that people develop because: (a.) they perceive conflict as a problem, and (b.) they have had little success in dealing with it in the past. Once you develop a conflict style, you generally develop a conflict strategy that will allow you to maintain your conflict style--the strategy being a set of behavioral routines you'll perform in order to achieve your goal of avoidance, for instance. In many couples, these strategies often lead to scripts even--which are predictable, repeated scenarios, where you find yourself repeating virtually the same words every time you feel a conflict coming on in order to avoid it.

Breaking out of that cycle is awfully tough. And rather than develop a more effective style and strategy for managing conflict, which is a lot of work, many people just end the relationship and look elsewhere.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

 

[Calamity Jane]

I love it when Hammy launches into counselor speak. Makes me all swoony.

Wouldn't you agree though Ham, that sometimes it's better to end the relationship than constantly work at developing compatible strategies?

 

[Gord]

Thanks PG , Ham and JL

It is the worlds 50 0000000 dollar question

I do know that there is no such thing as perfection and it is always dangerous to go down the grass is greener route - and I do agree Hamlet that it is much better to deal with issues rather than avoid everything because it is easier and less painful

I just feel sometimes that with one failed marriage behind me - I dont want to make the same mistakes and I certainly dont want find myself 5 years down the line going through the same things - just want to be happy amd have someone with me who is happy too and we can share most things - have good times , drink nice wine , have great sex and feel secure in the knowledge that you are together

There now back to reality ............

and JL I am waiting for that book

 

[Calamity Jane]

I just feel sometimes that with one failed marriage behind me - I dont want to make the same mistakes and I certainly dont want find myself 5 years down the line going through the same things - just want to be happy amd have someone with me who is happy too and we can share most things - have good times , drink nice wine , have great sex and feel secure in the knowledge that you are together

I think most of us want that. The problem is, we forget that it can be a lot of work to achieve that feeling of simple closeness.

 

[sufisaint]

Alll you need is two open an honest people to get together, love each other and who can accept and respect each others differences, than yes its absolutely possible....just very rare.

 

[celiaKitten]

I think the more important issue isn't that the petty jealousy or silly arguments don't exist .. but how a couple gets out of them. This kind of goes along with Hamlet's explaination. Can the couple break past the perceived conflict barriers, talk openly and honestly about the situation and resolve it? There will always be some sort of argument (spoken or not) between any two people at some point. The real problems arise when attempting to deal with the conflict

I think that this is the better indicator of not only a healthy relationship, but an equal one as well.

 

[JazzManJim]

I don't at all believe in the concept of equality in a relationship. It's an impossibility.

Sure, it's nice to work toward it, but in the interplay of life there's always going to be an inequality somewhere along the line. Someone will continue to do more for the other and vice-versa. The pendulum will swing back and forth over the years, but won't reach an equal state.

I think the more important part of any relationship is appreciation. Knowing that a relationship can never be equal, it's important to appreciate what the other person does for you and the relationship. Acknowledge the compromises, the sacrifices of time, the giving of affection and energy and give back genuine thanks.

That makes it possible for a real relationship to work through all the petty bullshit that crops up every day. It also makes it nearly impossible to deal the other person really dirty and betray their trust and care.

 

[brokenbrainwave]

How can there ever be perfect equality? We are humans, not machines. We have feelings, pride, insecurities, baggage, and emotions. Someone has to be, as LTR wisely said, behind the wheel. Even on a bicycle built for two, someone must steer. It is not a control issue, sometimes I do the steering, sometimes my wife does. It depends on the situation. There are times I am better suited to take control, yet the key is being wise enough to figure out when the other party might have a firmer grasp on whatever it is your driving through. There can be moments of equality, but never can it exsist for an extended time.

 

[hornylady]

Unless you two were capable of agreeing on everything, had the exact same values, and were capable of living up to each others values, there will always be something, you're right.

Am I the only one who thinks that would be scarily boring? Like those married couples you see wearing matching anoraks?

 

[Hamletmaschine]

I love it when Hammy launches into counselor speak. Makes me all swoony.

Wouldn't you agree though Ham, that sometimes it's better to end the relationship than constantly work at developing compatible strategies?

LOL - makes me want to barf. But thanks, PCG.

And, yes, sure: I agree that some (even most) relationships need to be terminated eventually. If a relationship is in a perpetual state of crisis or conflict, that's probably not a good thing.