Domming for Wife

[Wellreadredneck]

I had never given BSDM any thought until two weeks ago, when I inadvertently was made aware of the dear wife's needs.

Today alone I have turned her bottom bright red three separate times, with my hands and a belt.

Have learned some things about myself I would never have guessed and sometimes un-nerved by elements of my nature that are decidedly sadistic.

(Edited for typos)

 

[Stella_Omega]

Please read the essay linked to in my signature. You might profit thereby

And-- enjoy the fuck out of your and your wife's newfound mutuality!

 

[DVS]

You don't need to cloud your heads with labels. Unless you intend on adding another person to your fun or explain your fun to others, you don't need labels.

You have found yourselves, so have fun. Leave the labels for those who are still searching.

 

[jen_litgirl]

Take my advice with a grain of salt but I would suggest reading everything you can find. The BDSM Library has some fantastic information. There's also a ton you can learn from reading old posts too. There's a lot of experience on this board and going back through old posts gives you a chance to let it all soak in and percolate in your head so you can decide where your boundaries are and what questions to ask your wife so you can find out about her boundaries.

Read and ask a lot of questions.

 

[Ellafun]

I'm just curious ... how did you inadvertently make this discovery?

I only ask so that I can leave the same trail of breadcrumbs around for my husband to discover inadvertently.

 

[Bluespark]

I'm just curious ... how did you inadvertently make this discovery?

I only ask so that I can leave the same trail of breadcrumbs around for my husband to discover inadvertently.

You forgot to welome him.

 

[Ellafun]

You forgot to welome him.

Oh, sh*t! I did! But this isn't the Playground, so I thought maybe it was somebody else's gig...

so anyway, Welcome to Lit WellReadRedNeck!

 

[Bluespark]

Oh, sh*t! I did! But this isn't the Playground, so I thought maybe it was somebody else's gig...

so anyway, Welcome to Lit WellReadRedNeck!

You could go toy shopping with your hubby and lead him over to the whips and ball gags section. Worked for me and my Honey.

 

[Ellafun]

You can lead a man to the toy section, but you can't wave a magic Hitachi wand and turn him into a Dom.

That would be the thing.

 

[Erik748]

You can lead a man to the toy section, but you can't wave a magic Hitachi wand and turn him into a Dom.

That would be the thing.

Don't be so quick to doubt. I've seen Hitachis work miracles

 

[Bluespark]

You can lead a man to the toy section, but you can't wave a magic Hitachi wand and turn him into a Dom.

That would be the thing.

You could just buy some toys anjd use them on him if he's not the dom type.

 

[Ellafun]

Didn't mean to hijack the thread...I was sincerely asking how he discovered her "needs."

 

[Erik748]

Didn't mean to hijack the thread...I was sincerely asking how he discovered her "needs."

This forum seems like a great place for him to start.

 

[Wellreadredneck]

I'm just curious ... how did you inadvertently make this discovery?

I only ask so that I can leave the same trail of breadcrumbs around for my husband to discover inadvertently.

The answer to this has an element of pain for us as a couple.

My wife was under extreme emotional stress, a recent move to help care for a family member, a career change, and numerous other factors. Unfortunately with the stress she felt distant from me.

I discovered her profile on Fetlife and chat logs between her and an a predatory dom in our smallish town who pursued her. After I discovered the profile (it isn't in my wife's nature to be sneaky so she doesn't do it well), wife left for a night out of shame. She had about month long online relationship with this clown, and met him once (I unfortunately know more than I want to because he directed her to document it all).

Wife called me the next day asking if we could repair relationship - this woman is the love of my life - and while the affair sucked I knew it was abberant behavior the result of a breakdown and not her nature. I made the conscious decision to forgive - still working on the forgetting.

As part of our reconnecting we did some needs questionnaires and discussed exactly what we needed to be happy, and sex and relationship styles with more Dominant behavior from me ranked incredibly high on the list.

I'm still nervous about this a bit but there is a unique connection formed between my wife and I when she is laying across my lap and my palm and fingertips are alternating between slapping her ass and caressing her.

 

[Ellafun]

Thank you for replying to my question. As I indicated above, I have tried to lead my husband to being a more dominant person, but it truly is not in his nature. I understand your hesitation, but I completely admire and respect your willingness to meet your wife's needs.

 

[Wellreadredneck]

You can lead a man to the toy section, but you can't wave a magic Hitachi wand and turn him into a Dom.

That would be the thing.

I wish my wife had just told me straight out.

I am dominant, but my programming is to treat a woman a certain way, particularly treat her as an equal in all things etc.

At anytime had my wife said, Husband I have these set of needs and I would have liked you to fill them I would have done my best to meet them. I might (I do ) have some hesitations and need some practice or even just to learn some new things - but I would have tried.

Now her going outside of our marriage was partly due to the extreme stress she's been under but partly due to her fear I would reject it. I'm a clean cut, straight laced, raised Southern Baptist, plus probably a few more regular guy stereotypes.

Provided it's within the bounds of our marriage (not involving other people) there's not much I wouldn't do to protect my wife and help her fufill her needs.

Hopefully your Husband has a similar mindset - and if you communicate it as a need and not just a fad or this might be nice kinda thing.

The ego tells you's don't do anything embarrassing but the ego frequently gives bad advice or lies to protect itself - make sure you are clearly expressing to your husband in a manner he can wrap his head around - just how important this is to you.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Many people wish they had told their spouses straight out too.

There are SO many reasons-- some good ones, some total fabrications-- why people don't.

As you've pointed out-- one of the reasons may be that they have a perception that the spouse would not take such a revelation real well. Which is probably not the spouse's fault, but there it is.

 

[Wellreadredneck]

Watching my wife twitch and writhe when I adlibbed and pulled one her belts off her dresser and gave her slow lashes with it was extraordinarily arousing.

There is a weird headspace I have gotten into after some particularly hard slaps to my wife's bottom that have put me in a strange place momentarily. (BTW we established safewords before we started any play, and I still probably err on the softer side of caution).

 

[midwestyankee]

Wife called me the next day asking if we could repair relationship - this woman is the love of my life - and while the affair sucked I knew it was abberant behavior the result of a breakdown and not her nature. I made the conscious decision to forgive - still working on the forgetting.

As part of our reconnecting we did some needs questionnaires and discussed exactly what we needed to be happy, and sex and relationship styles with more Dominant behavior from me ranked incredibly high on the list.

I'm still nervous about this a bit but there is a unique connection formed between my wife and I when she is laying across my lap and my palm and fingertips are alternating between slapping her ass and caressing her.

I'm going to focus on just this part of your post for now. First, congratulations on having the presence of mind to sit down and talk with her with an open heart. That takes bigger cojones than many possess.

Second, I'm slowly beginning to think that we have an unconscious connection with our lovers that, over time, helps knit each other's sense of what's needed in a relationship. In my theory, over time the two of you communicated your essential natures to each other on an unconscious level. On this level, those parts of your personalities that overlapped or were neatly complementary gegan to fluorish. Over time, what you each possessed became what the other needed. Your wife came to feel that what she needed was was the topness/dominance that she sensed you possessed but could not express, though she might not have ever been able to articulate it that way. At the same time, your need to top/dominate her was nurtured by your sense of her essential bottomness or submissiveness. Put more simply, you each probably had a spark of these complementary needs and then your relationship nurtured them, even unconsciously.

The shock of dislocation or stress often shakes up our personal maps of ourselves. In your wife's case, the stresses you described revealed her sexual needs more clearly, and she acted on them. You're probably quite right about her sense that you might have rejected her had she just blurted out these needs when she first felt them. Your map hadn't been shaken yet.

Anyway, just my feeble thinking on a night that's much colder than I'd like. Oh, and you're entirely right about the ego "writing checks your body can't cash."