Does Your Sexuality Define You or Do You Define Your Sexuality?

[Keroin]

1. My sexuality walked through the door like she owned the joint. Her perfume was the kind that wraps around your neck like a noose, her shoes probably cost as much as a month’s rent…but her diamond earrings were fake. The minute she opened her mouth I knew it was bad news, and I knew it’d end with me lying in a gutter somewhere with a bullet hole in me, bleeding out and mumbling her name.
2. “It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window.”*
3. “Violette…"






* Thank you Raymond Chandler

 

[Honed_Hunger]

Good to see you as well OSG.

That's a hard question to answer.

When I young, I use to never go up on high buildings or near the edge of a cliff. My friends always gave me a hard time thinking I was afraid of heights, and I just smiled and let them think that. But inwardly I knew the real reason, which was whenever I got close to the edge, I always felt the urge to throw myself off the edge. Somekind of overwhelming urge would well up inside of me and I could hear that part of myself daring me to do it. "just do it". Please don't misunderstand, I wasn't a suicidal type of guy. Never once thought about killing myself or anything like that, but there I would stand looking over the edge and as clear as day I could hear that mocking voice daring me, laughing at me...It came from a dark place inside me, it was a powerful part of me, and I was afraid of it.

Many of my darker sexual urges come from this place and it is the same voice whispering the twisted deeds of lust that I get. Over the years I have learned to recognize it, and to some extent accept it. But for it to be off its leash? Without consequences? My only thought to that is... if back then it had such a narcissistic view of my own mortality, what chance would another have if I gave it full freedom without fear of consequence. Slim to none and slim just left town.

Lit for me was/is a big help as it allows me to explore, and understand better those darker urges. It has helped me to take incremental steps in my real life so that I can slip the leash a bit and know I am not going to throw myself completely off the edge.

As it stands now, I can look myself in the mirror and can live with who I am...albeit some parts of me restrained. Were I to have complete freedom, I have no doubt that I would end up destroying myself and anyone unfortunate enough to be close to me.

It not of lack of want, but merely me recognizing my limits and my boundaries of what is safe for me. Not just pysically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Because some consequences do not come in just the form of prison or broken relationships, some consequences are knowing that once something is done, it can't be undone, and you have to live with that forever.

Words seem so clumsy trying to explain it, but I found within me a strength or power that is more powerful than the beast. As I think back on it, I believe this is why I sought out what it means to be a Dominant (Edited to add for clarification: To understand better and develop my Dominant side). Because the Dom-ish streak in me keeps the Sadist in check.

Sorry for the book answer, but I hope I gave you some sense of why I would answer your question, the way I did. The Dom in me would never give up that kind of control.

Strong, insightful post..........and one I feel many Dominants can identify with,myself included. It's good to see you back and bringing such thought-provoking posts to the board.





1. Does Your Sexuality Define You or Do You Define Your Sexuality? & 3. What's one thing you hate about that?

I'm of the opinion that ''we are as we live'' Our personalities and sexualities define us through our actions and interactions with others...........whether we like it or not.

In times past,I have been controlled by my overzealous need for control and Domination. It's nothing to be proud of on my part,but I will share it here anyway.........in hopes in helps someone who's fighting the battles I've mostly won now.

There have been instances in my past whereby my Dominant sexuality,and all the emotional baggage and/or guilt associated with what went on in my head, did in fact bleed over into strictly non-sexual social interactions with others.

I was nearly consumed by hate, self-loathing,had a rageful inner-beast that I often couldn't keep on the leash. I carried chips on both shoulders.........secretely hoping someone would knock one of em off. In the event a chip hit the ground, I could mindfuck myself into feeling I was justified by verbally field dressing someone in what was often a pointless,over-the-top debate/argument that had no true winner..........only losers on both sides of the equation.


Although it didn't happen often,it was not pretty in the event someone actually crossed the line and physically assualted me. Even though I'd never throw the first punch, I was relentless once a fight was brought to me personally. Due to a whole lot of luck,and bystanders that broke up this one certain fight I had no choice about.........it's a damn wonder I didn't seriously hurt some of my attackers before I was stopped.

By the ''we are as we live'' principle.........I was a flawed, sometimes out of control human being who had a penchant for sexual Dominance that I didn't understand nor view as acceptable,even in my own head.


2. What's one thing you like about that?



As for me for in the present.........Lit ,along with one special person I've come to know here, has paved smooth what once was a rocky life-path for me as a person,and as a Dominant. Thankfully,I've found the understanding,acceptence and self-acceptence needed to truly come into my own and stand my true height for the first time in my life. Without discovering Lit and my true kindred spirit.........I'd never be the man I am today,or this far around the curve of life either.

It's only been recently that I have been able to wake up,look in the mirror and know I got my shit together. I have ''me'' as a person,a Dominant and along with that horrid inner-beast, fully under control these days.


Even though I'll probably always be a work in progress,by the ''we are as we live'' principle, I'm doing ok. I'm at peace with myself like never before. I'm also making great strides in all areas of life as I distance myself further from a less than perfect past and focus on what's no doubt a bright future for myself that I truly have full control over creating.

For the first time in my life.........I have the most important person ever fully under my control. That being my own self of course.

I gotta give thanks to the ones I've learned from and loved along the way. Plus........special thanks to the one and only who's ever known how to love me back.


H-H

 

[eastern sun]

Good to see you as well OSG.

That's a hard question to answer.

When I young, I use to never go up on high buildings or near the edge of a cliff. My friends always gave me a hard time thinking I was afraid of heights, and I just smiled and let them think that. But inwardly I knew the real reason, which was whenever I got close to the edge, I always felt the urge to throw myself off the edge. Somekind of overwhelming urge would well up inside of me and I could hear that part of myself daring me to do it. "just do it". Please don't misunderstand, I wasn't a suicidal type of guy. Never once thought about killing myself or anything like that, but there I would stand looking over the edge and as clear as day I could hear that mocking voice daring me, laughing at me...It came from a dark place inside me, it was a powerful part of me, and I was afraid of it.

Many of my darker sexual urges come from this place and it is the same voice whispering the twisted deeds of lust that I get. Over the years I have learned to recognize it, and to some extent accept it. But for it to be off its leash? Without consequences? My only thought to that is... if back then it had such a narcissistic view of my own mortality, what chance would another have if I gave it full freedom without fear of consequence. Slim to none and slim just left town.

Lit for me was/is a big help as it allows me to explore, and understand better those darker urges. It has helped me to take incremental steps in my real life so that I can slip the leash a bit and know I am not going to throw myself completely off the edge.

As it stands now, I can look myself in the mirror and can live with who I am...albeit some parts of me restrained. Were I to have complete freedom, I have no doubt that I would end up destroying myself and anyone unfortunate enough to be close to me.

It not of lack of want, but merely me recognizing my limits and my boundaries of what is safe for me. Not just pysically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Because some consequences do not come in just the form of prison or broken relationships, some consequences are knowing that once something is done, it can't be undone, and you have to live with that forever.

Words seem so clumsy trying to explain it, but I found within me a strength or power that is more powerful than the beast. As I think back on it, I believe this is why I sought out what it means to be a Dominant (Edited to add for clarification: To understand better and develop my Dominant side). Because the Dom-ish streak in me keeps the Sadist in check.

Sorry for the book answer, but I hope I gave you some sense of why I would answer your question, the way I did. The Dom in me would never give up that kind of control.

This has been my relationship with my sexuality, too; though I've fallen on the other end of the spectrum. Formalizing the structures around the expression of my sexuality brought a kind of order and harmony to a potentially self-destructive force.

 

[FurryFury]

1. Does Your Sexuality Define You or Do You Define Your Sexuality?

My sexuality defines my sexuality. I define what my sexuality is as I accept what it is.

2. What's one thing you like about that?

Upon acceptance, I like myself more. It used to be I did things for others and didn't much care about myself. Now I like myself enough to do things for me.
Though my first instinct is still to always do things for others first in my list of priorities.

3. What's one thing you hate about that?

That it took me 40 + years to see, explore and accept my sexuality, then myself.

 

[RJMasters]

Even though I'll probably always be a work in progress,by the ''we are as we live'' principle, I'm doing ok. I'm at peace with myself like never before. I'm also making great strides in all areas of life as I distance myself further from a less than perfect past and focus on what's no doubt a bright future for myself that I truly have full control over creating.

For the first time in my life.........I have the most important person ever fully under my control. That being my own self of course.

I gotta give thanks to the ones I've learned from and loved along the way. Plus........special thanks to the one and only who's ever known how to love me back.


H-H

Yep....yep and yep.

Nicely said and thanks for sharing.

 

[RJMasters]

This has been my relationship with my sexuality, too; though I've fallen on the other end of the spectrum. Formalizing the structures around the expression of my sexuality brought a kind of order and harmony to a potentially self-destructive force.

You said it much better than I with much fewer words.

 

[RJMasters]

Interesting set of questions. I'm going to attempt to answer them in the way I interpreted what the OP was asking.

I am defined by more than my sexuality, though it does play a considerable part in who I am and how I relate in the world. Do I *control* the way I define and *express* my sexuality? At times, yes. My sexuality alone does not typically dictate my thoughts, behaviors or actions.

As others have posted, sexuality is not a static, fixed thing. Many things influence how it is expressed and perceived in me. I like that I tap into my sexuality as a creative outlet sometimes. I like where it leads me and I also like that I think outside the sexual box.

What I don't like is that sexuality and gender/roles and identity are often conflated into one and the same thing. They are not the same and they often are not fixed. My sexual identity is boundless. My gender is what it is, but how I choose to embody it and express it will also vary. Society attempts to box in things like gender roles and sexual identity...and I find this to be problematic.

And that's all I have to say without having any caffeine in me yet.

Not bad for a cafine free state of mind.

Thanks for sharing.

 

[RJMasters]

1. Does Your Sexuality Define You or Do You Define Your Sexuality?

My sexuality defines my sexuality. I define what my sexuality is as I accept what it is.

2. What's one thing you like about that?

Upon acceptance, I like myself more.

Acceptance was a part of my journey or process too only I didn't like myself more, I was like "oh crap I wonder how far down this rabbit hole goes?" I knew at some level I had to embrace it because it is part of who I am, but I saw it as dangerious and clearly something that needed to be controlled.

Thanks for jumping in and sharing.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

This has been my relationship with my sexuality, too; though I've fallen on the other end of the spectrum. Formalizing the structures around the expression of my sexuality brought a kind of order and harmony to a potentially self-destructive force.

This.

 

[FurryFury]

Acceptance was a part of my journey or process too only I didn't like myself more, I was like "oh crap I wonder how far down this rabbit hole goes?" I knew at some level I had to embrace it because it is part of who I am, but I saw it as dangerious and clearly something that needed to be controlled.

Thanks for jumping in and sharing.

My pleasure.



Nice to see you here for a change R.J.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Good to see you as well OSG.

That's a hard question to answer.

When I young, I use to never go up on high buildings or near the edge of a cliff. My friends always gave me a hard time thinking I was afraid of heights, and I just smiled and let them think that. But inwardly I knew the real reason, which was whenever I got close to the edge, I always felt the urge to throw myself off the edge. Somekind of overwhelming urge would well up inside of me and I could hear that part of myself daring me to do it. "just do it". Please don't misunderstand, I wasn't a suicidal type of guy. Never once thought about killing myself or anything like that, but there I would stand looking over the edge and as clear as day I could hear that mocking voice daring me, laughing at me...It came from a dark place inside me, it was a powerful part of me, and I was afraid of it.

Many of my darker sexual urges come from this place and it is the same voice whispering the twisted deeds of lust that I get. Over the years I have learned to recognize it, and to some extent accept it. But for it to be off its leash? Without consequences? My only thought to that is... if back then it had such a narcissistic view of my own mortality, what chance would another have if I gave it full freedom without fear of consequence. Slim to none and slim just left town.

Lit for me was/is a big help as it allows me to explore, and understand better those darker urges. It has helped me to take incremental steps in my real life so that I can slip the leash a bit and know I am not going to throw myself completely off the edge.

As it stands now, I can look myself in the mirror and can live with who I am...albeit some parts of me restrained. Were I to have complete freedom, I have no doubt that I would end up destroying myself and anyone unfortunate enough to be close to me.

It not of lack of want, but merely me recognizing my limits and my boundaries of what is safe for me. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Because some consequences do not come in just the form of prison or broken relationships, some consequences are knowing that once something is done, it can't be undone, and you have to live with that forever.

Words seem so clumsy trying to explain it, but I found within me a strength or power that is more powerful than the beast. As I think back on it, I believe this is why I sought out what it means to be a Dominant (Edited to add for clarification: To understand better and develop my Dominant side). Because the Dom-ish streak in me keeps the Sadist in check.

Sorry for the book answer, but I hope I gave you some sense of why I would answer your question, the way I did. The Dom in me would never give up that kind of control.

RJ, thanks for taking the time to provide a thoughtful reply...you might be surprised at the insight/awareness into sado-Dominant sexuality you've sparked for me, even in regard to my own Master. i see him struggling with that Beast from time to time...sometimes he wins and he is visibly much more at peace yet at the same time not quite fulfilled; sometimes the Beast wins against his better efforts and after that rush is gone the guilt and frustration sets in; and occasionally he intentionally gives the Beast free reign (or as near as one can come while remaining in the general vicinity of sanity)...exactly why i can't say, he doesn't discuss such things with me. but i would guess it has to do something with the build-up of pressure...at some point you have to let it go just a bit, otherwise the whole works will blow. so you are certainly not alone in your conflict.

what is the natural counterpart of the Beast? because that is the sickness within me...first, a weird ability to sense, as tangibly as the dry air after an electrical storm, that inner Beast in men. i sense it in the most perfect of gentleman and the most humble of smiles. i feel their hunger, and their primal drive to just rip/tear/devour/utterly violate something soft and sweet and good. at the same time i sense the remarkable control and resolve, to refuse to accept that Beast as truly a part of them at all. the Beast is in complete opposition to the way they define themselves or their sexuality.

and that is where the second part of the sickness in me comes in...sometimes consciously, but often times not, somehow i cannot prevent myself from triggering that Beast. i become extra soft, extra submissive, pitifully weak and timid, sensing at the most primal level that this uber-vulnerable state serves as a snapping flag to an angry bull. while i know full well that this will inevitably result in suffering for me, and things happening i do not wish to happen...deep down i am not sorry, never sorry, because the twisted part of me feels it is worth it in order to give that Beast someplace to go, for a moment at least. crazy huh?

what you said about your Dominant nature keeping your Sadist in check really resonated. i admire your strength, but at the same time am torn with empathy for your sadist.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

1. Does Your Sexuality Define You or Do You Define Your Sexuality?
2. What's one thing you like about that?
3. What's one thing you hate about that?

1. In most respects my sexuality does NOT define me, I define it. I know what I need to feel comfortable in my skin, I know what I can and can not accept. That means I place the parameters there with forethought. I did not choose to be gender queer, to BE queer. I was born this way (IMHO) but I do define what my queerness entails and how far past that I can safely reside.

2. Sexuality (for the most part) is fluid, so am I. My sexuality is a part of me and since it is, it is the basis of every sexual thing I enjoy. Makes it easier when I know what dings my buttons.

3. My sexuality becomes very hard to define for others and that makes it hard to define for myself, because of it's fluid nature. I really hate that, especially when i am dealing with men or women who do not understand what I can plainly see but can not express.

 

[eastern sun]

what is the natural counterpart of the Beast? because that is the sickness within me...first, a weird ability to sense, as tangibly as the dry air after an electrical storm, that inner Beast in men. i sense it in the most perfect of gentleman and the most humble of smiles. i feel their hunger, and their primal drive to just rip/tear/devour/utterly violate something soft and sweet and good. at the same time i sense the remarkable control and resolve, to refuse to accept that Beast as truly a part of them at all. the Beast is in complete opposition to the way they define themselves or their sexuality.

and that is where the second part of the sickness in me comes in...sometimes consciously, but often times not, somehow i cannot prevent myself from triggering that Beast. i become extra soft, extra submissive, pitifully weak and timid, sensing at the most primal level that this uber-vulnerable state serves as a snapping flag to an angry bull. while i know full well that this will inevitably result in suffering for me, and things happening i do not wish to happen...deep down i am not sorry, never sorry, because the twisted part of me feels it is worth it in order to give that Beast someplace to go, for a moment at least. crazy huh?

Not crazy. No. I understand this in you. I do this, too, and think while it's happening that I am part of the world's transformative engines, using my body and mind to, not tame, but soothe the Beast, and so leave the world a little lighter, a little happier, a little more at peace.

Except that sometimes, in my passivity, I just end up feeding myself to its devouring nature, and it grows stronger and hungrier, and then I am not in fact transforming anything, but instead fueling the very passions that my husband (PYL) is struggling with. I can see him uncomfortable with the degree of violence he is capable of feeling, and I have been its catalyst.

I wonder sometimes, if the dance with the Beast at its most graceful is the best way of actually transforming those violent energies into something more productive and creative and less harmful and destructive. A dance that requires not passivity and need, but a most responsive give-and-take of complementary desires. Then I am not simply a vehicle for the expression of his passion and need, but a partner in the exchange, allowing my own desires - strong and passionate themselves - to mix with those of the Beast and so wholly change them.

I don't manage it very often, but when it happens, the violence doesn't actually shred the tender veils in its release, but instead just builds the load of electricity that the whole system can handle. Energy that is then available in the future.

(I recognize that this may have nothing to do with your circumstances, or perspective, but your words reflect an attitude I have been experiencing and contemplating lately. And I'm glad to have a chance to muse on it.)

 

[RJMasters]

1. In most respects my sexuality does NOT define me, I define it. I know what I need to feel comfortable in my skin, I know what I can and can not accept. That means I place the parameters there with forethought. I did not choose to be gender queer, to BE queer. I was born this way (IMHO) but I do define what my queerness entails and how far past that I can safely reside.

2. Sexuality (for the most part) is fluid, so am I. My sexuality is a part of me and since it is, it is the basis of every sexual thing I enjoy. Makes it easier when I know what dings my buttons.

3. My sexuality becomes very hard to define for others and that makes it hard to define for myself, because of it's fluid nature. I really hate that, especially when i am dealing with men or women who do not understand what I can plainly see but can not express.

My interpretation of what you said.

Sounds like your driving this really cool car, because we know that turning a moving vehicle is much easier than one that is stopped(definately power steering helps too ).

And like driving the vehicle you stop when you have to, hit the gas when you can, and sometimes you cross the lines because afterall your holding the wheel.

You have been in enough crashes to know that there are parameters or rules of the road you need operate within if you don't want to keep crashing.

Makes sense to me.

What can make it hard to understand is some people in one country drive on one side of the road, and other people from other countries drive on the other side of the road...and that's how you can have headon collisions and both jump out yelling at each for driving on the wrong side of the road.



Thanks for joining the discussion Luna.

 

[RJMasters]

RJ, thanks for taking the time to provide a thoughtful reply...you might be surprised at the insight/awareness into sado-Dominant sexuality you've sparked for me, even in regard to my own Master. i see him struggling with that Beast from time to time...sometimes he wins and he is visibly much more at peace yet at the same time not quite fulfilled; sometimes the Beast wins against his better efforts and after that rush is gone the guilt and frustration sets in; and occasionally he intentionally gives the Beast free reign (or as near as one can come while remaining in the general vicinity of sanity)...exactly why i can't say, he doesn't discuss such things with me. but i would guess it has to do something with the build-up of pressure...at some point you have to let it go just a bit, otherwise the whole works will blow. so you are certainly not alone in your conflict.

what is the natural counterpart of the Beast? because that is the sickness within me...first, a weird ability to sense, as tangibly as the dry air after an electrical storm, that inner Beast in men. i sense it in the most perfect of gentleman and the most humble of smiles. i feel their hunger, and their primal drive to just rip/tear/devour/utterly violate something soft and sweet and good. at the same time i sense the remarkable control and resolve, to refuse to accept that Beast as truly a part of them at all. the Beast is in complete opposition to the way they define themselves or their sexuality.

and that is where the second part of the sickness in me comes in...sometimes consciously, but often times not, somehow i cannot prevent myself from triggering that Beast. i become extra soft, extra submissive, pitifully weak and timid, sensing at the most primal level that this uber-vulnerable state serves as a snapping flag to an angry bull. while i know full well that this will inevitably result in suffering for me, and things happening i do not wish to happen...deep down i am not sorry, never sorry, because the twisted part of me feels it is worth it in order to give that Beast someplace to go, for a moment at least. crazy huh?

what you said about your Dominant nature keeping your Sadist in check really resonated. i admire your strength, but at the same time am torn with empathy for your sadist.

Thank you for this post.

What is the natural counterpart of the Beast?

Beauty and or the Sacrifical Lamb.

because the twisted part of me feels it is worth it in order to give that Beast someplace to go, for a moment at least. crazy huh?

No... not crazy at all. Never more clearly stated. You speak of sacred places within the core of our beings, and we rarely speak of it...heck we have a hard time facing it even within our own selves.

There is often this type of theme communicated in great stories or even tragedies. Consider the movie King Kong. An unbelievable depiction of what we are speaking. To see such a magestic animal, an uncontollable powerful beast. Nothing can stop him, all run before him and his rage...his roar...and then he sees ...her.

What about the story of the Bueaty and Beast? Or the more modern version of the Hulk.

Of course life is not a fairytale or a movie, but what makes these stories so great, is they connect to, or speak to a part of us.

I don't fully understand the mysteries behind it all and perhaps I am never meant to. I would like to return to finish this post, but I have to leave it here as I have to run.

Again thank you for your post.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I don't particularly have anything insightful to add, but I'm devouring every part of this twist to the thread.

The timing is rather... interesting for me personally. It's striking a lot of chords.

 

[RJMasters]

Continuing my thoughts from my last post.

I reiterate, its not some kind of fairytale thing. I also have a bad habit out of making it sound like some grand noble thing when it isn't. It may have parts to it which I do consider to be noble/sacred and I have a personal stake in focsing on that part in myself and in others.

We have had many disucssions on this board about power. And power is often mistakenly interchangable with the word control. Yet I know to be true that there are some submissives and slaves which have more power in them than many of the dominants I have met, yet they have little to no control.

Earlier I mentioned that one of the reasons I strengthened my Dom-ish side, to understand it better, was because I knew it/I had the power to stand up to the beast and win(or so I thought). I wouldn't have to hide from it, or fear I would throw myself off the edge. I could face it, and deal with it on my own terms. I mention that again, because I want to point out that I found a power that was in an equal to the power of the beast, but I also found that even though through this power control would be possible, completeness would not.

I have also through my experiences in life learned that there are other powers which can also deal with the beast. Where I exert "control" with my Dom-ish side, I have also found that the beast can be calmed and soothed, but it takes the right kind of person to do that. Notice I didn't say sated...I said calmed and soothed.

(For those who can't stand gooey stuff get your vomit bags ready)

Much like the themes of the stories I mentioned earlier, the raging beast is calmed and soothed by the beauty of a woman. For me, I am not talking about makeup or a curvy body, I am sure that will sell more tickets at the box office if the woman is sexy and beautiful to look at. For me, the type of beauty I am talking about is the type of beauty that comes from the spirit, heart and mind of a submissive woman. This kind of beauty has power. Not the kind that seeks to control me or the beast, but simply be who I need her to be for me, and somehow she transfers that power to me. That trust, that consent, or whatever you want to call it, helps me.

Why does she do it? Love(love can be a powerful thing)? Maybe its more than that, maybe its about finding purpose(purpose can be a powerful thing). Maybe its both of those things. Maybe she finds completeness in me as much as I find completeness in her.

Maybe that's all there is to it. maybe we are not demons or saints, maybe we are just looking for something/someone that will complete us. Maybe the beast is what he is because he is not complete. Maybe the beauty isn't beautiful unless it has a purpose. Maybe the sacrifice isn't sacred when it is simply self destructive.

These are the things I ponder in my mind in the quiet of the morning hours.

 

[NomadLady]

Continuing my thoughts from my last post.

Much like the themes of the stories I mentioned earlier, the raging beast is calmed and soothed by the beauty of a woman. For me, I am not talking about makeup or a curvy body, I am sure that will sell more tickets at the box office if the woman is sexy and beautiful to look at. For me, the type of beauty I am talking about is the type of beauty that comes from the spirit, heart and mind of a submissive woman. This kind of beauty has power. Not the kind that seeks to control me or the beast, but simply be who I need her to be for me, and somehow she transfers that power to me. That trust, that consent, or whatever you want to call it, helps me.

Why does she do it? Love(love can be a powerful thing)? Maybe its more than that, maybe its about finding purpose(purpose can be a powerful thing). Maybe its both of those things. Maybe she finds completeness in me as much as I find completeness in her.
Maybe that's all there is to it. maybe we are not demons or saints, maybe we are just looking for something/someone that will complete us. Maybe the beast is what he is because he is not complete. Maybe the beauty isn't beautiful unless it has a purpose. Maybe the sacrifice isn't sacred when it is simply self destructive.

These are the things I ponder in my mind in the quiet of the morning hours.

I think you've pondered (put your finger on) something that I've always come to realize since learning more about myself and my sexuality in general the last couple of years. I'm sure being re-introduced to BDSM after such a long absence has also pushed this notion to the forefront as well.
I do believe that finding the right PYL will be the reward in itself...even in the search is long...the good part is I'm learning along the way and when it happens, it will bring the completeness that you described.

 

[eastern sun]

Beautifully stated, RJ.

I just want to add that I stopped having the urge to throw myself off of high places once I realized that what I really wanted was not to destroy myself, but to move into -or open into - all that empty space. Once I learned how to do that mentally, and emotionally, I no longer had the almost irresistible urge to do it physically.

Opening into the fullness of my sexuality was the first step in that process. But it had to be tempered in time with emotional and spiritual development as well.

 

[KaeyMee]

Sexually Defined

1. Does Your Sexuality Define You or Do You Define Your Sexuality?
2. What's one thing you like about that?
3. What's one thing you hate about that?

I've had to accept that my sexuality defines me ... everyone else in my life defined me by it ... if you can't beat them, whip them or tie them down, I guess you have to join them.

Earlier this year I had a rant about how ridiculous it was the a gay person is judged by there sexuality, but a heterosexual isn't. To add insult to injury there are people who then say they don't like gays because they feel that sexuality is rammed down their throats (couldn't resist using that turn of phrase). Some people just go out of their way to be unhappy with their lot. I couldn't give a monkey's now.

People have always felt free to say anything to me, and even though I can get on with any task at hand, eventually any conversation will dissolve into a spiel of innuendo, flirtation or blatant sex talk.

The one thing I like about it is that now I've finally at long last found out who I am and accepted it, I am a less stress out individual with the confidence that everyone thought I had all along.

What's the one thing I hate about it? Why, for the love of God did I have to go through over twenty years of agony before I found out? Oh well got the rest of my life to make up for it.

Interesting question for self reflection RJMasters. I empathise with the conflict you've lived with.