Do you hide your sexual needs from your significant other?

[Vitriolhack]

There are sometimes things I am not sure I can talk to my wife openly about. However there are thoughts and hidden desires I can come here to discuss.

Feel free to chat about anything. This is a safe place.

 

[Vitriolhack]

I just keep my intimate thoughts for myself and very seldom share them, even to my husband. I really think there are things that is better to keep in the dark.

I hear you and so understand you on this. There are things I know will entice her and others that will just provoke havoc. I have learnt what subject are approachable and which ones are not.

I think, to a certain degree, after spending a significant amount of time with another person, you can predict their reaction. This pushes one self to tamper their responses accordingly.

 

[LightningSeed]

This is a fantastic thread to read.
It’s a weird dynamic that in some cases the more we know someone the less we might be comfortable revealing.

 

[Scareltt]

Only two cents this morning..

My husband used to hide his desire for kink. I used to pretend I didn’t have fantasies and desires of my own. We were both making big mistakes.

It might have been six or seven years ago I caught him in my underwear. It was a rare night when I woke him up for sex. Back then our sexual relationship was awful. I put my hands into his shorts. I felt something silky. He always wore cotton boxer briefs. He woke up and was like. I need to use the bathroom.

I turned on the light and was about to get up and follow him. He knew it was game over. I got him to take his shorts down. He was wearing a pair of my pretty pink lace panties. I remember thinking, the contrast with is really fair skin was sort of cute. I also remember thinking my gosh I wore those yesterday. I was personally upset. Like he had taken something that belonged to me. I got past that or for the moment I buried it.

I asked him, “why”.

His answer was. “I wanted to feel close to you.”

I had him sit down and tell me more.

He told me that his favorite thing to do was be inside me, and that sometimes to feel as close to me as possible he would slip on a pair of my panties before bed. It helped feel close to me.

I was surprised by his whole statement. I stayed up late that night and talked. It was the first and best sexual conversation we had had since before we got engaged.

What came from that conversation was. First we are not going to hide our fantasies from each other. For me that first meant that I had to acknowledge to myself that as a 30 something mother I have them. Then I needed to articulate them. For me that was hard. My husband asked if he could write porn for me, he thought if I read something hot from him it would help me open up. It worked, after about a month I was adding to his stories, and sort of writing my own. They were not great but they worked for us. The next was to text about sex, after doing that for like 3 months we started having real conversations with each other.

Long story short, if I would have yelled at my husband about my panties, he would have shit down. I don’t know is we would still be married now.

 

[Vitriolhack]

This is a fantastic thread to read.
It’s a weird dynamic that in some cases the more we know someone the less we might be comfortable revealing.

I don’t know when this feels up on you. Is it the first year the 5th the tenth?

Perhaps a lack of communication and a scare of change or to be perceived differently all in one!

 

[Vitriolhack]

My husband used to hide his desire for kink. I used to pretend I didn’t have fantasies and desires of my own. We were both making big mistakes.

It might have been six or seven years ago I caught him in my underwear. It was a rare night when I woke him up for sex. Back then our sexual relationship was awful. I put my hands into his shorts. I felt something silky. He always wore cotton boxer briefs. He woke up and was like. I need to use the bathroom.

I turned on the light and was about to get up and follow him. He knew it was game over. I got him to take his shorts down. He was wearing a pair of my pretty pink lace panties. I remember thinking, the contrast with is really fair skin was sort of cute. I also remember thinking my gosh I wore those yesterday. I was personally upset. Like he had taken something that belonged to me. I got past that or for the moment I buried it.

I asked him, “why”.

His answer was. “I wanted to feel close to you.”

I had him sit down and tell me more.

He told me that his favorite thing to do was be inside me, and that sometimes to feel as close to me as possible he would slip on a pair of my panties before bed. It helped feel close to me.

I was surprised by his whole statement. I stayed up late that night and talked. It was the first and best sexual conversation we had had since before we got engaged.

What came from that conversation was. First we are not going to hide our fantasies from each other. For me that first meant that I had to acknowledge to myself that as a 30 something mother I have them. Then I needed to articulate them. For me that was hard. My husband asked if he could write porn for me, he thought if I read something hot from him it would help me open up. It worked, after about a month I was adding to his stories, and sort of writing my own. They were not great but they worked for us. The next was to text about sex, after doing that for like 3 months we started having real conversations with each other.

Long story short, if I would have yelled at my husband about my panties, he would have shit down. I don’t know is we would still be married now.

Wow, I am so happy for the both of you.

I wonder though, how would things have gone if you were less than happy about him wearing your panties?

That is what is scary. Not knowing how the other will take it; will he or she think I am weird? Can I stay with this person now I know this secret about that person?

V.

 

[sangerin]

Absolutely!

My husband and I are not the same people we were when we met or when we got married.

There are some things he simply wouldn’t understand.

I don’t ever plan to share any of it with him either.

 

[Vitriolhack]

Absolutely!

My husband and I are not the same people we were when we met or when we got married.

There are some things he simply wouldn’t understand.

I don’t ever plan to share any of it with him either.

Sangerin,

Do you wish you could share this with him?

V

 

[sangerin]

Sangerin,

Do you wish you could share this with him?

V

No, not really. He’s hurt me deeply and I’m done with him.
I just wish I could live my life as the “real me” and be accepted instead of having to seek sexual fulfillment online.

 

[Vitriolhack]

No, not really. He’s hurt me deeply and I’m done with him.
I just wish I could live my life as the “real me” and be accepted instead of having to seek sexual fulfillment online.

Ouch!

I don’t know the details of why he hurt you, but, if you chose to leave him, I can only surmise it must have been a difficult time.

Sadly, the pain felt by the hurt done to us by those we love is often a difficult one to forgive. Even if forgiven, it is never forgotten!

Forgiveness is what keeps us sane and enable us to move on. You can forgive, but still choose to continue your journey alone.

I hope you have found some solace here.

Virtual hugs

 

[sangerin]

Ouch!

I don’t know the details of why he hurt you, but, if you chose to leave him, I can only surmise it must have been a difficult time.

Sadly, the pain felt by the hurt done to us by those we love is often a difficult one to forgive. Even if forgiven, it is never forgotten!

Forgiveness is what keeps us sane and enable us to move on. You can forgive, but still choose to continue your journey alone.

I hope you have found some solace here.

Virtual hugs

He is not forgiven but I’ve moved on.

Unfortunately I’m stuck here indefinitely so I make the best of it. But this has nothing to do with your OP.

I feel for those that have to hide their true desires.

 

[Scareltt]

Back then....

Wow, I am so happy for the both of you.

I wonder though, how would things have gone if you were less than happy about him wearing your panties?

That is what is scary. Not knowing how the other will take it; will he or she think I am weird? Can I stay with this person now I know this secret about that person?

V.

My knee jerk was not very positive, in that situation.

However if he would have come and asked me back then, I may have told him NO.

It affected me that’s for sure.

Back then I was much more closed minded. It took Lit to help me understand that none of this stuff is that crazy..

 

[Scareltt]

This is awful...

He is not forgiven but I’ve moved on.

Unfortunately I’m stuck here indefinitely so I make the best of it. But this has nothing to do with your OP.

I feel for those that have to hide their true desires.

All of your posts are awful to read. I am so sorry.

 

[sangerin]

All of your posts are awful to read. I am so sorry.

I’m sorry to be a downer, Scareltt.

I didn’t mean to take away from OP at all.

I guess I’m crying for friendship, help, whatever....

 

[Vitriolhack]

All of your posts are awful to read. I am so sorry.

Scarlett,

Respectfully, we do not judge anyone on this thread.

V

 

[quietlylooking]

I do now, for the most part. We have a great marriage in nearly every way, but it became apparent a few years into our marriage that my sexual needs are greater and more complicated than his. I've learned to deal with it in various ways. As I get older, it has become easier.

 

[mrspank30]

Absolutely!

My husband and I are not the same people we were when we met or when we got married.

There are some things he simply wouldn’t understand.

I don’t ever plan to share any of it with him either.

This is me as well. I love my wife and we enjoy each other but the above fits me.

 

[BlueyeGuy51]

I do now, for the most part. We have a great marriage in nearly every way, but it became apparent a few years into our marriage that my sexual needs are greater and more complicated than his. I've learned to deal with it in various ways. As I get older, it has become easier.

This sums up my situation, too. Well said.

 

[MrDevereaux]

I guess I’m crying for friendship, help, whatever....

Loneliness can be awful. Sorry to hear, sangerin.

Edited to add: just reread my post and it puts your situation into a very brief statement, sentiment.

 

[Que]

My knee jerk was not very positive, in that situation.

However if he would have come and asked me back then, I may have told him NO.

It affected me that’s for sure.

Back then I was much more closed minded. It took Lit to help me understand that none of this stuff is that crazy..

Oh it's definitely crazy. You have to keep in mind that Lit is a self-selecting population of a specific sub genus of crazy.

What is wonderful about your story isn't the specifics of the kinks, what is wonderful is the fact that it led to a level of honesty that led to a level of intimacy.

I can relate. I had that once. Until we didn't.

 

[paulman999]

Amazing

I do now, for the most part. We have a great marriage in nearly every way, but it became apparent a few years into our marriage that my sexual needs are greater and more complicated than his. I've learned to deal with it in various ways. As I get older, it has become easier.

Interesting how common that feeling is amongst many of us. Thank you for for stating it so simply and practically.

 

[LanguageOfLove]

The rekindling of my relationship over the last year has enabled me to open up and explore things that I never thought I would...I still take it slowly though....and there are some things that I haven't told him yet...I'm just taking one step at a time.

 

[Mei5ter]

Interesting how common that feeling is amongst many of us. Thank you for for stating it so simply and practically.

And what I have learned, but didn't know when I was 20, is that your sexual needs and personality change and mature over time, just as other aspects of your personality will.

You establish what works sexually for you both in the early months of your relationship, and that becomes the norm. Ten years later, maybe he wants to try sex in public and she's aching to experiment with breath play. But if there's a right moment to say "Honey, this may sound weird but next time could you kind of...choke me until I nearly pass out?" then I've yet to find it.

 

[lindasuebt]

I will admit that I have had more meaningful conversations on the lit chat with virtual strangers that with my wife.

Having tried to talk to her about it, I know how she would react and judge me.

I am not unhappy about the choices I have made, but, I am curious to know if others here in the same boat I am in?

We were lucky. Both of us had been in unsatisfying relationships before and soon after we started dating - 10 years ago - we started talking about our fantasies and realised that they were similar. We started experimenting and have never looked back. We got into the threesomes scene as a way of pushing our sexual boundaries and are still doing it all these years later - albeit a little less frequently.

 

[Hipshot1554]

Yes

I feel this is one of the biggest issues within many marriages, and I'm in the "YES" category.

Many years into this, my second marriage, I still shake my head at the fact that my SO shut me down at each attempt to discuss the subject.

We will stay together, but the lack of communication has put a strain on our relationship for certain.
.