well we are split right now... and he is living elsewhere and i am in our home and it is a long and tumultuous road and I know this. Thank you Muse for your support I know I have you and the others....
ITW- I have made several attempts at counseling he always makes excuses to not attend..
I don't know you or your situation well, but I have specialised in abuse on a professional level so can comment from that perspective. Firstly, it is normal to feel selfish, guilty etc., when you are placed in this situation and must make choices..often what you realise after you have had time to step outside the situation and look back is that those feelings were helped along by the one who was abusing you, or others on the outside who just want everything to be OK. You do not have to take responsibility for how it makes others feel, only how you feel and what is best for you. You are not doing this to your family or him, he is.
Secondly, couples/joint counselling is not adviseable when abuse has been an issue, at least not in the early stages, if ever. The reason it is not advisable is it often increases the abuse, provides more ammunition for the abuser to make you feel you are the one to blame and/or abuse you further, and puts you in a situation of unequal power when you are most vulnerable.
Many abusers abuse when they are under the influence, but research has shown that it is not the substance abuse which caused the abuse but more so it provided an excuse for them to abuse. IOW, they knew before getting drunk or taking drugs that abuse was going to be the outcome..following that path provided them with an excuse which they feel validates and excuses their behaviour...it doesn't. One way of looking at it is if they didn't have control of their abuse, why do they choose to abuse their partner and not others? If it was uncontrolled, abuse would be toward anyone and everyone who they felt deserved it, who happened to cross their path, who they felt anything negative toward. You are not to blame, and the alcohol is not the reason or an excuse.
Thirdly, if you read any material on abuse and especially accounts from women and their history of domestic abuse, most will say their partner swore they would change, often after every incident of abuse, verbal, emotional, psychological and /or physical. It is part of the cycle and it is meant to make you feel responsible for what happens next....but it is not your responsibility.
My suggestion would be to seek support from a women's abuse centre in your area, take counselling if provided, and then decide what you want and need to do. Seeking support from others who have been there helps you realise you are not alone, not responsible, how to recognise patterns and the cycle of abuse/violence, and also recognise it for what it is without feeling somehow it is your responsibility to fix it or create happiness for him and your family. In the long term, abuse harms a family far more than removal from the abusive situation.
It needn't be the end of your relationship if he also seeks counselling for his abuse and recognises and takes responsibility for it, and if and only if you also want to try again. Until he acknowledges it as his issue and not yours, learns to deal with his feelings in ways which are not abusive, there is no guarantee it won't happen again or be even worse. It may also be that he cannot deal with the situation and that parting is the only option. Whichever way it goes you need to protect yourself first and foremost and do what is necessary to ensure the escalation from verbal to physical abuse does not continue at your expense. Bottom line is though he seems from what you say to be blaming you or making you feel it is because of you, if he isn't happy he can make the choice to leave and move on with his life, not abuse you..how does that fix the problem or make anyone happy?
There are several books you can read which may help, but one of the best I have found is The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker. It is not just about abuse but several real stories where people chose to squash their initial intuitive feelings and suffered for it. It is a very honest book which helps overcome feelings of guilt etc., for not doing what another implies or makes you feel you should when you really know deep down it is not the best choice. Whatever you do, make sure you are happy and safe first...nobody deserves to be abused in this way.
Catalina
You are strong, and you do know what abuse is, and more importantly, you know it has no place in your life. It isn't easy to have to go through the process again, but it also is not unusual to find yourself in another abusive relationship. Problem with abusers are they are not all the same in their approach, nor do they come with a sign across their forehead, and often they resemble a knight in shining armour in the beginning, especially if they know you have been abused before. It is more proof they know what they are doing as they know exactly how to get under your skin without you realising they are an abuser in a different shape and form...and they take their time before becoming more obvious about their abuse so by the time they do, their target questions themselves more than the abuser, feels guilty, feels responsible, often blames themselves. You will get there, you just need some time and support to give your heart time to catch up to where your head is. Hang in there and do what is right for you.
You're welcome.
Catalina
we are divorcing, this is never how I expected it to be..... I expected to be married forever... ahhhhh well at least we are trying to be amicible,. and help each other out.... sigh.....
Well... the decision was made...
Well... the decision was made...
