Divorced/Separated Support Thread.

[elizabeth22673]

would like to subscribe to this thread. perhaps get educated as to what i should/shouldn't do in the next months

read on if you want to know a small snippet of my situation..
husband and i are good friends, we have a son together who we both love more than anything. he and i are not good TOGETHER....it's just a fact...recipe for disaster. i am trying to pay off debts in these next months and then we need to sell our house (we are in a very slow market) before we separate. he doesn't want to separate...i do. i think he would agree that we make each other unhappy.

offering hugs to those newly separated, divorced or just simply need a huggle or two

 

[FurryFury]

Welcome and good luck to you in this difficult time Elizabeth.

*hug*

 

[bholderman]

To Fury as well. Thanks. Im asking for support and if there's any conflict its there along with a few debated issues that fall on the period where she left/left-me-hanging-with-a-few-bills that we are both arguing about.

I simply want this: TO be able to ensure my kids have a roof over their head, food in the fridge and a car in the driveway. I've managed that alone for two months, but she needs to step up. Except that her cell phone had been disconnected...

Isn't California no fault? I know there are people who do mediation as an alternative. Or, you guys did this, no? Since you have the kids 73% of the time, she is paying you support, right?

 

[bholderman]

Iw ould definietly recommend the debt issue, get it out of the way before it becomes a debatable item. It gets ugly with those kind of things.

Still, welcome to the club. I think Im a couple steps ahead of you, so would always be willing to help you out at all.

would like to subscribe to this thread. perhaps get educated as to what i should/shouldn't do in the next months

read on if you want to know a small snippet of my situation..
husband and i are good friends, we have a son together who we both love more than anything. he and i are not good TOGETHER....it's just a fact...recipe for disaster. i am trying to pay off debts in these next months and then we need to sell our house (we are in a very slow market) before we separate. he doesn't want to separate...i do. i think he would agree that we make each other unhappy.

offering hugs to those newly separated, divorced or just simply need a huggle or two

 

[elizabeth22673]

Welcome and good luck to you in this difficult time Elizabeth.

*hug*

Thank you...I'm still in denial though...it's take me a couple years to even come around to the possibility. I mean...my poor son. I wanted him so badly to grow up with both his parents. But realizing that in the end...that will be the least healthy for him

Anyway, thanks for your welcome

 

[elizabeth22673]

Iw ould definietly recommend the debt issue, get it out of the way before it becomes a debatable item. It gets ugly with those kind of things.

Still, welcome to the club. I think Im a couple steps ahead of you, so would always be willing to help you out at all.

Thanks hon...yes we definitely need to get above water with our debt. It wont be an overnight thing for sure so who knows if next year at this time I'll be still at the same stage as I am now. (ok...that's depressing)

But thanks for your support doll

 

[bholderman]

...and our intrepid hero, Spaceman Spiff....

Now has a lawyer.

 

[intothewoods]

...and our intrepid hero, Spaceman Spiff....

Now has a lawyer.

Good deal. Be very clear about what you want. Lawyers sometimes need to be managed.

 

[FurryFury]

Good deal. Be very clear about what you want. Lawyers sometimes need to be managed.

True. To them it's all about the money and power. To me it's all about the kids.

 

[bholderman]

I made that perfectly clear today. But yeah, he's along the line of you could probably ask for this, this and this....

I dont want to bury my wife. Whats important to me is this house. Why? My wife and I lived just above poverty level for most of their lives. The guilt of the shitty homes we wound up in, especially for the girls, always trailed me.

We rent, but for southern California, its a steal, big yard, nice house, garage etc. When I singed the lease a year ago, I finally felt I had the chance to give my kids a good home. Finally.

2 months later, my wife goes on a tailspin.

The only thing I really want is enough (even though, yeah, job hunting is next on the list) is enough to maintain paying my current rent. They have their own rooms, ok 2 share one, neighborhood friends, a playhouse/jungle jim, and more. My children deserve this home. They earned it.

My wife doesnt seem to agree with that point-of-view, she seems to prefer the squalor and pigsty she calls an apartment. And so should they.

Thats something I will not let happen.

True. To them it's all about the money and power. To me it's all about the kids.

 

[intothewoods]

True. To them it's all about the money and power. To me it's all about the kids.

Well, some lawyers actually take their jobs seriously.

 

[intothewoods]

I made that perfectly clear today. But yeah, he's along the line of you could probably ask for this, this and this....

I dont want to bury my wife. Whats important to me is this house. Why? My wife and I lived just above poverty level for most of their lives. The guilt of the shitty homes we wound up in, especially for the girls, always trailed me.

We rent, but for southern California, its a steal, big yard, nice house, garage etc. When I singed the lease a year ago, I finally felt I had the chance to give my kids a good home. Finally.

2 months later, my wife goes on a tailspin.

The only thing I really want is enough (even though, yeah, job hunting is next on the list) is enough to maintain paying my current rent. They have their own rooms, ok 2 share one, neighborhood friends, a playhouse/jungle jim, and more. My children deserve this home. They earned it.

My wife doesnt seem to agree with that point-of-view, she seems to prefer the squalor and pigsty she calls an apartment. And so should they.

Thats something I will not let happen.

Seems reasonable, Brad.

 

[bholderman]

Honestly, Im not even asking for much. My SIL thinks I might even be selling the kids short.

 

[coy_one]

Thanks hon...yes we definitely need to get above water with our debt. It wont be an overnight thing for sure so who knows if next year at this time I'll be still at the same stage as I am now. (ok...that's depressing)

But thanks for your support doll

Definitely make sure the debt gets squared away. While we were separated, my ex racked up another $15K in debt. By the time we went to court, he was trying to get me accountable for half of the $47K of debt he put us in.... due to his extravagent spending.
I got out of it. Ended up with a bit of my own, but I'm okay.

And find a great lawyer. Some lawyers do take their jobs seriously, and some are a waste of time. Mine was a waste. He didn't even listen to the things I wanted and still billed me over the alloted agreement.

 

[FurryFury]

Honestly, Im not even asking for much. My SIL thinks I might even be selling the kids short.

Keep in mind that you have a fiduciary responsibility to the kids. Do not be too nice to your ex. This is no longer about her or you.

 

[FurryFury]

Well, some lawyers actually take their jobs seriously.

Did I say that some lawyers did not take their jobs seriously?

 

[FurryFury]

In my experiences as a child of divorce and someone who has gotten a divorce.

A truly good and tough lawyer can help one out a great deal. Not to destroy the other person but to make sure things are done as well as can be for the kids.

A bad lawyer can piss away all your advantages while grasping for the things s/he thinks are important.

It helps if your lawyer has a reputation for being really good as well. Other lawyers notice this and give in places they normally would not.

 

[intothewoods]

Did I say that some lawyers did not take their jobs seriously?

You said, to them it's all about money and power. For a good lawyer, it's not all about money and power.

Your last post sums it up pretty nicely though.

 

[EmpressFi]

Definitely make sure the debt gets squared away. While we were separated, my ex racked up another $15K in debt. By the time we went to court, he was trying to get me accountable for half of the $47K of debt he put us in.... due to his extravagent spending.
I got out of it. Ended up with a bit of my own, but I'm okay.

And find a great lawyer. Some lawyers do take their jobs seriously, and some are a waste of time. Mine was a waste. He didn't even listen to the things I wanted and still billed me over the alloted agreement.

I third this..

My first husband, when we separated, promised he'd take care of the car payments (I know I know.. i was naive). But what he did instead was filed bankruptcy in his name alone and left all of our joint credit obligations in my name.

That's the main reason that the only thing that's in our names is the house and our checking account.

I love Malin but I just cant bring myself to put myself at that much risk again.

 

[FurryFury]

You said, to them it's all about money and power. For a good lawyer, it's not all about money and power.

Your last post sums it up pretty nicely though.

I've met very few, if any, good lawyers then.

 

[intothewoods]

I've met very few, if any, good lawyers then.

Well, they're a rare breed. But they are out there! I admit family law does have more than its fair share of sleazy folks. It all depends on, well, a lot of things.

I know plenty of lawyers, and many are happy to make gobs of money, but power? Eh. There's not all that much power that comes with the job, unless you're incredibly high up. Lawyers serve powerful people, but they are not that powerful in and of themselves. Some do get off on the prestige, although that's often a never ending quest, because there's always someone more important than you.

 

[FurryFury]

Well, they're a rare breed. But they are out there! I admit family law does have more than its fair share of sleazy folks. It all depends on, well, a lot of things.

I know plenty of lawyers, and many are happy to make gobs of money, but power? Eh. There's not all that much power that comes with the job, unless you're incredibly high up. Lawyers serve powerful people, but they are not that powerful in and of themselves. Some do get off on the prestige, although that's often a never ending quest, because there's always someone more important than you.

I agree with you, particularly the bolded statement.

When I mentioned power, I meant within the negotiating a settlement and/or from money made.

As I also intimated, my lawyer couldn't seem to understand that money from, and power over, my ex was not what I wanted. I wanted things to be right for the child. That concept seemed to elude him.

 

[SubKekiLee]

well im popping my head in here as i am joining yall. my husband ( who isnt my Sir) and I are splitting.... sigh.... but we are hoping to make it amicible...

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

well im popping my head in here as i am joining yall. my husband ( who isnt my Sir) and I are splitting.... sigh.... but we are hoping to make it amicible...

{{{{hugs}}}}

 

[catalina_francisco]

well im popping my head in here as i am joining yall. my husband ( who isnt my Sir) and I are splitting.... sigh.... but we are hoping to make it amicible...

Oh, I am so sorry.

Catalina