Divorced/Separated Support Thread.

[coy_one]

Honestly, Im not even asking for much. My SIL thinks I might even be selling the kids short.

I didn't ask for much either. The things I did ask for, my ex fought over as if I didn't deserve it - as if the time, money and energy I put into the relationship were absolutely nothing.

Sometimes, I feel that if I didn't have my son, I basically wasted 7 years of my life with this man.

The thing that really pissed me off - was that the things that I asked for - were to give me the opportunity to provide a stable environment for our son. My ex didn't want him.... the every other weekend visitation that HE suggested was all he could handle with our son.
When the ex fought tooth and nail over the things I wanted - it wasn't for me. It was for our son - he was taking away any money or resources from OUR SON. Not me... I knew that I would survive, but taking care of our son is expensive, and moving to an area with a very high cost of living, I many times make sacrifices so that our son can have his basic needs met. That's what pissed me off the most. I don't have a lot - but when I see the extravagent life that my ex leads and he could give a shit about helping me just clothe our son - it sickens me.

But deep down, I know that him being the asshole he was, and my leaving was a blessing in disguise.

 

[intothewoods]

I didn't ask for much either. The things I did ask for, my ex fought over as if I didn't deserve it - as if the time, money and energy I put into the relationship were absolutely nothing.

Sometimes, I feel that if I didn't have my son, I basically wasted 7 years of my life with this man.

The thing that really pissed me off - was that the things that I asked for - were to give me the opportunity to provide a stable environment for our son. My ex didn't want him.... the every other weekend visitation that HE suggested was all he could handle with our son.
When the ex fought tooth and nail over the things I wanted - it wasn't for me. It was for our son - he was taking away any money or resources from OUR SON. Not me... I knew that I would survive, but taking care of our son is expensive, and moving to an area with a very high cost of living, I many times make sacrifices so that our son can have his basic needs met. That's what pissed me off the most. I don't have a lot - but when I see the extravagent life that my ex leads and he could give a shit about helping me just clothe our son - it sickens me.

But deep down, I know that him being the asshole he was, and my leaving was a blessing in disguise.

That's really sad and shitty. If you don't want a kid, don't have one.

Though for my own selfish reasons, I sometimes hate joint custody. I don't like being without my kid. But it's best for my kid. My ex is an excellent dad, and has really risen to the occasion, even learning to cook! I feel sad we couldn't both rise to the occasion a little better together, but it could be worse.

 

[coy_one]

That's really sad and shitty. If you don't want a kid, don't have one.

Though for my own selfish reasons, I sometimes hate joint custody. I don't like being without my kid. But it's best for my kid. My ex is an excellent dad, and has really risen to the occasion, even learning to cook! I feel sad we couldn't both rise to the occasion a little better together, but it could be worse.

My psychiatrist once said that the best thing my ex could ever do is have a vasectomy.

He wanted our son - to prove that he was a normal person. Same as marrying me.... it was all for show. We were just pawns in a game.

 

[intothewoods]

I'm so beyond mentally exhausted. I don't want to be separated anymore. I don't want to be a single mom. It's fucking hard. I'm tired. I'm tired of things coming up and feeling like I have to solve them alone. What if I can't do it? What if we screw this kid up forever? It sucks. I feel so incredibly low and alone right now. I'm just over it.

 

[pleasantville]

I'm so beyond mentally exhausted. I don't want to be separated anymore. I don't want to be a single mom. It's fucking hard. I'm tired. I'm tired of things coming up and feeling like I have to solve them alone. What if I can't do it? What if we screw this kid up forever? It sucks. I feel so incredibly low and alone right now. I'm just over it.

Hi just saw this thread and thought to jump in. Hope it is OK. Been divorced now for 5 years. It was a total shock to me when it "happened". I have strive to be the best Dad for my 3 daughters ever since. My ex is not the best person but she loves her daughters.
Anyway I saw your quote and hoped to help. I know the feelings you are having right now and can tell you that it does get better. I am still single and very guarded with my feelings. I really don't want to get hurt again but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. It is hard to be that single parent but you must do your best for your child. I have been through therapy and take an anti anxiety drug that has done wonders for me. I have to count every penny because I make sure my ex can afford to feed, clothe and shelter our daughters. I have found that my faith has increased and that helps me get through many issues.
I hope things go better for you. I hope that all of the people on this thread find that someone special.

 

[SweetGigi]

I'm so beyond mentally exhausted. I don't want to be separated anymore. I don't want to be a single mom. It's fucking hard. I'm tired. I'm tired of things coming up and feeling like I have to solve them alone. What if I can't do it? What if we screw this kid up forever? It sucks. I feel so incredibly low and alone right now. I'm just over it.

I know what you are going through must be extremely hard. It is never easy to endure such change and up-heaving. You have to be strong though. You have to remember you are that kid's only mother. You are NOT gonna screw him/her up so long as you always make your choices with love patience and understanding. Give yourself a break, you've earned it. If you have someone who can watch your child for you for a few hours, go get your nails done and a new hair cut. Watch a movie or go shopping. Do something for yourself and remember you are worth 'me' time too.

Rest easy, it will get easier.

 

[intothewoods]

Thanks, SG. I check in with a few mom friends this morning who reminded me I am a good mother and am not failing him. I can be really hard on myself when it comes to this.

Last night, I lost my temper, and it made me sad, and him sad. On the other hand, we talked it through for quite a long time and it was probably the deepest conversation we've had to date. He's a toddler, mind you! So that was actually quite neat. And he did tell me this morning that he wasn't upset anymore, and he knew I wasn't upset with him. So I was basically just beating myself up over it.

 

[bholderman]

If it wasnt for the avatar, I thought I had written that. I stopped at the board to head to the blurt thread to say the same thing.

I really things lessen up for you.

I'm so beyond mentally exhausted. I don't want to be separated anymore. I don't want to be a single mom. It's fucking hard. I'm tired. I'm tired of things coming up and feeling like I have to solve them alone. What if I can't do it? What if we screw this kid up forever? It sucks. I feel so incredibly low and alone right now. I'm just over it.

 

[SweetGigi]

Being a nanny for 10 years, I've been an 'emotional mommy' for quiet some time. While I know it is not the same as really being a mom, I do understand where you are coming from on the being yourself up bit. I've done that on a few occasions and looking back on it, I was always harder on myself than need be. I still suggest the mommy's day out if you can. There might even be a MOPS chapter in your area. They have proven to be great support and help for single mothers.

*hugs* good luck, toots.

 

[intothewoods]

Being a nanny for 10 years, I've been an 'emotional mommy' for quiet some time. While I know it is not the same as really being a mom, I do understand where you are coming from on the being yourself up bit. I've done that on a few occasions and looking back on it, I was always harder on myself than need be. I still suggest the mommy's day out if you can. There might even be a MOPS chapter in your area. They have proven to be great support and help for single mothers.

*hugs* good luck, toots.

Oh, I don't need a mommy's day out. I have them all the time. We share joint custody. I don't want anymore time away from my child. What I always wanted was to parent with a partner. I didn't want to be the leader and I still don't. In some ways, it's better. In some ways, it's exactly what I never wanted. But hey, life happens. Whadya gonna do? As my Mister Man reminded me, I have a lot to be thankful for.

Funny, I don't recall being hard on myself as a babysitter, though I was a babysitter and not a nanny. I was quite sure of myself before I had kids! I think what has most blown me away is having a boy. I don't know squat about boys! I was a prim and proper girl who never would have been interested in trucks and dirt and all of this boy stuff.

 

[intothewoods]

If it wasnt for the avatar, I thought I had written that. I stopped at the board to head to the blurt thread to say the same thing.

I really things lessen up for you.

Thanks. As I mentioned, the reality check from my mom friends helped. Also a few suggestions about this particular toddler issue we're dealing with.

Hi just saw this thread and thought to jump in. Hope it is OK. Been divorced now for 5 years. It was a total shock to me when it "happened". I have strive to be the best Dad for my 3 daughters ever since. My ex is not the best person but she loves her daughters.
Anyway I saw your quote and hoped to help. I know the feelings you are having right now and can tell you that it does get better. I am still single and very guarded with my feelings. I really don't want to get hurt again but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. It is hard to be that single parent but you must do your best for your child. I have been through therapy and take an anti anxiety drug that has done wonders for me. I have to count every penny because I make sure my ex can afford to feed, clothe and shelter our daughters. I have found that my faith has increased and that helps me get through many issues.
I hope things go better for you. I hope that all of the people on this thread find that someone special.

Thank you for your post. I am getting there, and doing lots of things I never expected I could do on my own. I'm not so worried about the someone special - if anything, I need to slow myself down. I'm miss relationship. I really want to have the sense that I can do this on my own and that I don't NEED anyone else. So I can be whole in my next relationship, and not little miss helpless.

 

[bholderman]

Thats what I am missing despertely. The are nearly hourly instances when I just wish my wife was these so I dont have to tend to 3 different hings at one time. And, honestly, just having that second adult...children right now are my common peer groups, ugh (as much as I love them).

Oh, I don't need a mommy's day out. I have them all the time. We share joint custody. I don't want anymore time away from my child. What I always wanted was to parent with a partner. I didn't want to be the leader and I still don't. In some ways, it's better. In some ways, it's exactly what I never wanted. But hey, life happens. Whadya gonna do? As my Mister Man reminded me, I have a lot to be thankful for.

Funny, I don't recall being hard on myself as a babysitter, though I was a babysitter and not a nanny. I was quite sure of myself before I had kids! I think what has most blown me away is having a boy. I don't know squat about boys! I was a prim and proper girl who never would have been interested in trucks and dirt and all of this boy stuff.

 

[intothewoods]

bump

Rough day today. Said some things I needed to say, I think. I think it's fair to tell my ex that I'm angry and hurt by him. And damn it, I didn't act in a vacuum! And he just doesn't love me anymore. So I cried all day. Feel a little better now though.

I feel kind of weird being in a relationship and grieving the last one. I feel like a loser actually, who should do this all rough and tumble I'm on my own take that style. Oh well.

 

[FurryFury]

This grieving shit takes time. When someone keeps it stirred up it takes even more time. Believe me, I know. If my husband couldn't handle it, we probably wouldn't still be together.

*HUGS and HUGS*

 

[the captians wench]

bump

Rough day today. Said some things I needed to say, I think. I think it's fair to tell my ex that I'm angry and hurt by him. And damn it, I didn't act in a vacuum! And he just doesn't love me anymore. So I cried all day. Feel a little better now though.

I feel kind of weird being in a relationship and grieving the last one. I feel like a loser actually, who should do this all rough and tumble I'm on my own take that style. Oh well.

I was looking for this thread the other day to say something simular.

This week I signed the papers that makes me leagally seperated. We haven't lived together in three years, but still this was one of the hardest things I have done in some time. I can't help but feel like everything is breaking apart all over again.

Monday I should know my court date, should be with in a month. I suspect I'll go through this rollercoaster all over again. The damn thing about it is that I totally wasn't expecting it! For some reason I thought the hard part was over, this is just paperwork.

Some one keeps telling me that this is just a piece of paper, it's not a big deal. I keep telling him, so is that little peice of paper that says you're married, and I dare you to say that's not a big deal.

On the bright side, I've been so upset that my apt is cleaner than it has been in some time.

 

[intothewoods]

This grieving shit takes time. When someone keeps it stirred up it takes even more time. Believe me, I know. If my husband couldn't handle it, we probably wouldn't still be together.

*HUGS and HUGS*

Thanks. I might have been the stirrer, actually, but I was really frustrated by the way he waves off the effect of this on our kid. Oh, he's fine, it's normal, doesn't do it at my place, etc. I've decided to deal with stuff in my house on my own (as the differences in rules aren't extreme), but I just felt so angry and abandoned. And that brought up issues from the marriage! I won't say it to him again, but I think I needed to say once how I feel, rather than, you did x.

Just rambling now, don't mind me...!

I was looking for this thread the other day to say something simular.

This week I signed the papers that makes me leagally seperated. We haven't lived together in three years, but still this was one of the hardest things I have done in some time. I can't help but feel like everything is breaking apart all over again.

Monday I should know my court date, should be with in a month. I suspect I'll go through this rollercoaster all over again. The damn thing about it is that I totally wasn't expecting it! For some reason I thought the hard part was over, this is just paperwork.

Some one keeps telling me that this is just a piece of paper, it's not a big deal. I keep telling him, so is that little peice of paper that says you're married, and I dare you to say that's not a big deal.

On the bright side, I've been so upset that my apt is cleaner than it has been in some time.

Ha - sadly, when I get stressed, my house doesn't gets messier. I've heard that doing the paperwork and even finalizing the divorce brings up the shit all over again.

Sorry, wench.

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks. I might have been the stirrer, actually, but I was really frustrated by the way he waves off the effect of this on our kid. Oh, he's fine, it's normal, doesn't do it at my place, etc. I've decided to deal with stuff in my house on my own (as the differences in rules aren't extreme), but I just felt so angry and abandoned. And that brought up issues from the marriage! I won't say it to him again, but I think I needed to say once how I feel, rather than, you did x.

Just rambling now, don't mind me...!



Ha - sadly, when I get stressed, my house doesn't gets messier. I've heard that doing the paperwork and even finalizing the divorce brings up the shit all over again.

Sorry, wench.

I'm sorry too Wench.



Intothewoods,

As a woman with children who has also been divorced I just want to say that the problems primary parents know are there, the parent who "visits" with them rarely sees. Often thats partly this is because they have decided how the situation is and nothing will change that. Also often the kids act differently toward the non custodial parent. They act better. At home they melt down and act out around the one they feel safest with.

*HUG*

 

[SubKekiLee]

Popping in again.... Looks like no matter how hard I try Ill be joining you... sigh.... as much as I hate it.. He doesnt pay attention to me and hates me for being me who I am SUBMISSIVE.. and I can no longer take it... I will go insane if I dont get out.... Sooooo to everyone who is in here I am sorry you are going thru the things your going thru..... I wish It were different... for yall...

When you've lost it all is thats you finally realize Life is Beautiful....

 

[the captians wench]

Popping in again.... Looks like no matter how hard I try Ill be joining you... sigh.... as much as I hate it.. He doesnt pay attention to me and hates me for being me who I am SUBMISSIVE.. and I can no longer take it... I will go insane if I dont get out.... Sooooo to everyone who is in here I am sorry you are going thru the things your going thru..... I wish It were different... for yall...

When you've lost it all is thats you finally realize Life is Beautiful....

*huggles*

if you still have my number you are free to call me and chat. or you know how to use pms.

 

[intothewoods]

I'm sorry too Wench.



Intothewoods,

As a woman with children who has also been divorced I just want to say that the problems primary parents know are there, the parent who "visits" with them rarely sees. Often thats partly this is because they have decided how the situation is and nothing will change that. Also often the kids act differently toward the non custodial parent. They act better. At home they melt down and act out around the one they feel safest with.

*HUG*

Thank you, Fury. Our situation is a little complicated. I was going to write more, but this isn't the right place to get into it, ya know? Anyway, I'm just reading a lot, and listening to my kid, and paying attention.

 

[FurryFury]

Honestly, my divorce was over 16 years ago and it's by far the best thing that ever happened to me.

It's messy and painful at the time but I'm not the least bit sorry I got divorced.

 

[LaLaLilly]

On a day that I feel like complaining, this is not the right place to be but it is nice to hear the reflections of others.

I was separated for little over a year and just got divorced a very short time ago. My marriage was very "tumultuous" (no other better way of describing it) and I am definitely not even a little sorry that it ended.

However, I sympathize for those that do not view their situation the same way as I did/do. It is a very difficult process, even if you are only thinking about what is best for you and haven't made any solid decisions. It is always great to have the support of others.

 

[wayfarm]

Thats what I am missing despertely. The are nearly hourly instances when I just wish my wife was these so I dont have to tend to 3 different hings at one time. And, honestly, just having that second adult...children right now are my common peer groups, ugh (as much as I love them).

Hey Brad,

Really hope things are going better than they were.

I dont often come to this board anymore, but I have thought of you and your kids. Hope things are improving.

 

[intothewoods]

I just thought I'd post that...I feel okay! For a few days now. Not quite sure what to do with myself!

 

[SubKekiLee]

I am normally the one people turn to for advice and for the first time in my life I am the one seeking advice, me splitting with my husband isnt cause I dont love him, it is cause he cannot accept me for me, and i cannot forgive him for the verbal abuse that occured over the course of the years that then turned to physical abuse last friday night while he was inebriated... sigh.... we just spent 36 hours together and he says he will change but something tells me he wont and then ill be unhappy again.. and how do i do this to my family and to him and make myself happy without feeling like I am being selfish ...