Divorced/Separated Support Thread.

[FurryFury]

I really feel for the pain y'all are going through but I don't understand not being relieved or even hating the person who treated you like shit. I've just got to be honest and say that I truly don't understand why you can't be done when it's over.

Anyway, *HUGS and HUGS* to any of you feeling down.

 

[the captians wench]

I really feel for the pain y'all are going through but I don't understand not being relieved or even hating the person who treated you like shit. I've just got to be honest and say that I truly don't understand why you can't be done when it's over.

Anyway, *HUGS and HUGS* to any of you feeling down.

For me, this isn't so much about him or even us, as it is a finality of it all. I'm not very good at confronting things, I tend to surpress, and being in that court room, signing those papers, getting my copy and actually looking at the decree makes all of this real and hard to hide from.

I'm not saying that what I do is healthy, it's not in the slightest, but it is the way I tend to deal with things, and for 3 years I've been kind of ignoring the fact that that part of my life is over, I can't do that anymore. So I guess I'm going thru a little bit of morning the marriage, which I should have done 3 years ago.

There is a great since of relief. I could tell that by how tired I was when I got home. After I spoke to Jounar a bit, I took a nap and ended up out cold for 3 hours. I don't usually nap like that, so it's a huge sign to me that I was under more stress than I let myself believe and that it has passed.

It's funny because we have both moved on, long ago, both of us have full and completely different lives now. But you could still tell there was a bit of sadness in each of us today. I guess it's just natural.

As for hating him, I tried to, I tried really hard to, but I couldn't. It's just not in me to hate people. *shrug* Part of me still wants to hate him, and blame him when things aren't going perfect in my life, but I just can't do it.

 

[Bandit58]

I really feel for the pain y'all are going through but I don't understand not being relieved or even hating the person who treated you like shit. I've just got to be honest and say that I truly don't understand why you can't be done when it's over.

Anyway, *HUGS and HUGS* to any of you feeling down.

I'm relieved that my ex is in NZ and I'm in Australia Unfortunately I still have ties to him, namely two children and the fact that he still owes me money from the property settlement, which is being paid off in instalments. I haven't seen him in person for three years, and only speak to him on the phone if he answers it when I ring my daughter when she is home for holidays.

I would be happy if I never set eyes on him again, but there are going to be times in the future when we will come together for the children's sake. I don't worry too much about that now - I used to though, I would get all tied up in knots at the thought of seeing him. However with Sir's love, I have the strength now to see him for what he really is....a pathetic loser who treated me badly to cover up his own insecurities.

 

[SubKekiLee]

Furry
It is hard to HATE, when HATE is a value I teach my children they should not have.... really it is... I loved the man I was marrried, am I in love with him anymore? NO, I am very disapointed in him in what he did.... and I cannot ever love him the way I did... But I cannot hate him.. that I can tell you...But I will love him forever as we have ties to the children we have As for Wenchie I cannot explain why she cannot hate him either... But I do know it is hard to go from loving someone one moment to hating them the next.... this is Just my Opinion..

 

[intothewoods]

I don't hate my ex because I think we shared equally in the demise of our marriage. Most of his friends think I'm the asshole who cheated. He hated me, and was relieved to be rid of me. In a situation where there's no abuse or addiction, I think it's just a bit more complicated. But he'll probably never see that. At the end of the day, I move on, forgive him and forgive myself.

 

[FurryFury]

For me, this isn't so much about him or even us, as it is a finality of it all. I'm not very good at confronting things, I tend to surpress, and being in that court room, signing those papers, getting my copy and actually looking at the decree makes all of this real and hard to hide from.

I'm not saying that what I do is healthy, it's not in the slightest, but it is the way I tend to deal with things, and for 3 years I've been kind of ignoring the fact that that part of my life is over, I can't do that anymore. So I guess I'm going thru a little bit of morning the marriage, which I should have done 3 years ago.

There is a great since of relief. I could tell that by how tired I was when I got home. After I spoke to Jounar a bit, I took a nap and ended up out cold for 3 hours. I don't usually nap like that, so it's a huge sign to me that I was under more stress than I let myself believe and that it has passed.

It's funny because we have both moved on, long ago, both of us have full and completely different lives now. But you could still tell there was a bit of sadness in each of us today. I guess it's just natural.

As for hating him, I tried to, I tried really hard to, but I couldn't. It's just not in me to hate people. *shrug* Part of me still wants to hate him, and blame him when things aren't going perfect in my life, but I just can't do it.

I understand what you mean about mourning the relationship.

BTW, I believe that part of maturity is not having to assign blame anyone when things don't happen the way we'd like. So good on you!

 

[FurryFury]

Furry
It is hard to HATE, when HATE is a value I teach my children they should not have.... really it is... I loved the man I was marrried, am I in love with him anymore? NO, I am very disapointed in him in what he did.... and I cannot ever love him the way I did... But I cannot hate him.. that I can tell you...But I will love him forever as we have ties to the children we have As for Wenchie I cannot explain why she cannot hate him either... But I do know it is hard to go from loving someone one moment to hating them the next.... this is Just my Opinion..

I would never teach my kids not to hate because all feelings are valid. What you do about them may be right or wrong but all feelings are okay.

I hate my ex. It was easy for me to hate him even though I loved him once. It's been said that love and hate are flip sides to one another and separated only by a thin line.

 

[FurryFury]

I don't hate my ex because I think we shared equally in the demise of our marriage. Most of his friends think I'm the asshole who cheated. He hated me, and was relieved to be rid of me. In a situation where there's no abuse or addiction, I think it's just a bit more complicated. But he'll probably never see that. At the end of the day, I move on, forgive him and forgive myself.

I agree situations are more complicated than who cheated on who.

I'm glad you forgive yourself and him both. You are a better woman than I!

 

[FurryFury]

I'm relieved that my ex is in NZ and I'm in Australia Unfortunately I still have ties to him, namely two children and the fact that he still owes me money from the property settlement, which is being paid off in instalments. I haven't seen him in person for three years, and only speak to him on the phone if he answers it when I ring my daughter when she is home for holidays.

I would be happy if I never set eyes on him again, but there are going to be times in the future when we will come together for the children's sake. I don't worry too much about that now - I used to though, I would get all tied up in knots at the thought of seeing him. However with Sir's love, I have the strength now to see him for what he really is....a pathetic loser who treated me badly to cover up his own insecurities.

Yes, when there are kids involved it creates a, hopefully, life long link that can be painful and regrettable.

I would have been happy if my ex had been distant from me. Instead he was constantly harassing and threatening me, after years of abuse but that's not why I hate him even though he has been dead quite a while. I hate him for what he did to my little girl. There are some things are are unforgivable in my book and always will be.

In any case though it's not easy for me to end things, when you get me to that point it's very over. I don't linger, wish and still love them. I'm just done.

 

[FurryFury]

I figured out why this "I will love them forever" stuff bothers me so much.

First of all I suffered when my relatives, most notably my parents, were never over. They made each other miserable, even divorced, separated tons of times only to get back together. I was happier when they were apart because there was less drama and bullshit.

Even when Dad died, my Mom still wasn't done. She still had to have (and still does) major mental health problems. Most of them stem back to the idea that love (particularly first love), is or should be, forever. If you truly love a person you should not be able to continue to live after they die.

Perhaps this is why I'm crazy loyal to people.

Once they leave me though, I'm very done.

When Daddy died it was the single worst thing that I had ever dealt with. I was, however, determined to grieve constructively and live fully again.

I still miss him of course. I still think about him every day but I'm not stuck grieving. I'm not clinically depressed and trying to end my life. I've fought through all that. I'm living.

I guess this is another emotional wound, red button issue, thingie with me.

 

[EmpressFi]

I'm kinda with you Furry..

although I dont hate my ex. I just dont fall into the "I will always love him" category. I try not to even think about him. I mean, I hope he's having a good life wherever he is, but I dont care where he is, I dont know where he is and he sure as HELL doesnt know where I am. He doesnt know our last name or even where I moved.

It's just me. He's my ex for a reason.

 

[SubKekiLee]

okay let me clarify my point on this.... I dont hate my soon to be ex for a lot of reasons... One is Im the one who did alot of the damage... and It is my fault he feels the reason he does... he hates me.. I have to live with that the rest of my life.. I do care about him cause of the fact that we must share children and for the children mental well being, the exchanging of our children and now that I am flight attendant and wont be home sometimes, Now my previous ex's I DO hate them for what they put me through abuse forces you to hate them... but they have nothing to do with my children so it isnt something I have to show my kids or teach my kids a value I need to explain... I do not wish to ever see them again nor do I care how they live or what they do... but this one is different .. it is my opinion.. I respect each and every one of you here I understand everyone is different and there is a reason for that..

 

[FurryFury]

God, when will it stop?

I had a terrible nightmare and my ex was in it.

Once again I couldn't get to my current husband or keep my kids safe because of him.

Then there were the zombies and vampires . . .

 

[Bandit58]

God, when will it stop?

I had a terrible nightmare and my ex was in it.

Once again I couldn't get to my current husband or keep my kids safe because of him.

Then there were the zombies and vampires . . .

I still have the occasional nightmare too Fury so you're not alone *hugs*
No zombies and vampires though, more like either being trapped in a room with him and him not letting me out. Or having sex and opening my eyes to find it's him Or wanting to get back to Sir and not being able to find Him

The trapped in a room ones make me angry now instead of frightened - I think maybe that's a good thing.

 

[intothewoods]

I agree situations are more complicated than who cheated on who.

I'm glad you forgive yourself and him both. You are a better woman than I!

Well, yours was kind of a big asshole though, right? I married Mister Nice Guy.

 

[FurryFury]

I still have the occasional nightmare too Fury so you're not alone *hugs*
No zombies and vampires though, more like either being trapped in a room with him and him not letting me out. Or having sex and opening my eyes to find it's him Or wanting to get back to Sir and not being able to find Him

The trapped in a room ones make me angry now instead of frightened - I think maybe that's a good thing.

Yep, it's either he is hurting my child and I can't keep her safe and/or I can't have my current wonderful husband due to my ex still being alive and legally my husband.

UGH!

Usually zombies and vampires are fun things in my dreams but not this time because he was in charge of them and they were eating each other and looked like babies.

 

[intothewoods]

Yep, it's either he is hurting my child and I can't keep her safe and/or I can't have my current wonderful husband due to my ex still being alive and legally my husband.

Oh, Fury, that's horrible.

 

[FurryFury]

Oh, Fury, that's horrible.

Yep it really is and what really pisses me off is I feel like I've dealt with this and should NOT have it keep coming back up.

 

[kinky_meh]

Yep it really is and what really pisses me off is I feel like I've dealt with this and should NOT have it keep coming back up.

*HUGGS*

I am done with my ex, too!!

I might still feel fukin somethin for him, well hes dad of my two beautiful kids, BUT i would never ever take him back again.

Just sayin.


~Kate

 

[FurryFury]

*HUGGS*

I am done with my ex, too!!

I might still feel fukin somethin for him, well hes dad of my two beautiful kids, BUT i would never ever take him back again.

Just sayin.


~Kate

Good for you!

*HUGSS back*

 

[bholderman]

So, the day after mother's day, and yeah I did something for my wife, regardless of how things are going. A brunch and flowers at the house with the girls.

The day after, today? Court. Today, the child support should be court ordered. That dollar amount will probably be devastating for my wife.

An ugly day, I dont feel good about any of this.

 

[intothewoods]

So, the day after mother's day, and yeah I did something for my wife, regardless of how things are going. A brunch and flowers at the house with the girls.

The day after, today? Court. Today, the child support should be court ordered. That dollar amount will probably be devastating for my wife.

An ugly day, I dont feel good about any of this.

Good on ya. I got a card. It was a nice effort, but made me sad nonetheless.

As for the amount, Brad, it was her choice to leave. Don't feel guilty. She can make the choice to come back, but hasn't pulled her shit together.

 

[bholderman]

And then I did a nice dinner for my own mom, what a day with 3 girls in tow, then a trip to the park to get the last of their energy out.

Ugh.

But, thanks. Guilty, I tell my self your words over and over, but very often it doesnt do much.

 

[intothewoods]

And then I did a nice dinner for my own mom, what a day with 3 girls in tow, then a trip to the park to get the last of their energy out.

Ugh.

But, thanks. Guilty, I tell my self your words over and over, but very often it doesnt do much.

Honestly, and hey, why should I hold back now , I think you hold onto guilt because you still love her and don't want to move on. Totally understandable. But you can't control her behavior or her choices. Don't you think you are worthy of someone whose actions reflect her words?

 

[the captians wench]

And then I did a nice dinner for my own mom, what a day with 3 girls in tow, then a trip to the park to get the last of their energy out.

Ugh.

But, thanks. Guilty, I tell my self your words over and over, but very often it doesnt do much.

It's funny how words are easy to say some times but hard to believe.

12 days after my hearing, and I still get a sad twinge every time I see the papers laying on the desk. I probably should file them, and put them in a safe place, but it's almost like I need them to be in sight, like I need to be reminded that things are final.

I'm kind of sad that we've grown so far apart. I mean, I knew that the devorse was unavoidable, he just wanted it too badly, but part of me hoped that he would keep his word to always be there for me, at the very least as a friend. But this new girl of his is so parinoid and controlling that I was very surprised she didn't insist on sitting in on our hearing and the meetings before that.

Mom asked him if he was planing on getting married to this girl soon, something her and I suspect is the reason this got pushed so quickly in the last 6 months. He very quickly said no, and followed it with he wasn't ready to get married again. Mom and I thought that was kind of funny and sad at the same time. He sees how bad she is for him, he knows it, but for some reason he stays with her. I hate to see him so mistreated.