Divorced/Separated Support Thread.

[sirlancelot2008]

I forgot what her issues with you were, or if you even said, but unless she actually said, you don't fuck my brains out enough, or hug and kiss me enough, then neither of those will address the issues. It's not that I'm dismissing romantic behavior either. You guys have reached a point where, I'm guess, that's just not enough anymore.

You need couples' counseling, from a good counselor who allows both parties to feel heard. If she won't go, go alone. You're never too old to become conscious of yourself and what makes you tick in a relationship.

I'm trying to think about myself now. I've been sick, nervous, and worried enough. I have to become me, I believe. Allow her to accept me as I am or not. I have dusted off my knees and hope that I won't fall to them at her feet again. I am making a list of good points about me and my accomplishments/skills.

 

[intothewoods]

I hate that I will soon be "divorced."

I hate kink. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being "kinky" in my ex's eyes, and the moral superiority fueling him right now. As we go to negotiate a permanent custody agreement, I'm afraid of what he'll come up with.

I wish I were pregnant with Mister Man's baby, so my ex wouldn't be able to say a thing, and we could just be a family. It's stupid. I'm not going to get pregnant right now of course. But I just hate not knowing what I need to do to make my ex shut the fuck up already.

 

[intothewoods]

I hate that I will soon be "divorced."

I hate kink. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being "kinky" in my ex's eyes, and the moral superiority fueling him right now. As we go to negotiate a permanent custody agreement, I'm afraid of what he'll come up with.

I wish I were pregnant with Mister Man's baby, so my ex wouldn't be able to say a thing, and we could just be a family. It's stupid. I'm not going to get pregnant right now of course. But I just hate not knowing what I need to do to make my ex shut the fuck up already.

Lol. This makes me sound mental. I don't really want to do this literally - I just can't explain the emotions.

 

[EmpressFi]

Lol. This makes me sound mental. I don't really want to do this literally - I just can't explain the emotions.

It doesnt make you sound mental. You sound tired, and frustrated and it's understandable.

 

[intothewoods]

It doesnt make you sound mental. You sound tired, and frustrated and it's understandable.

It feels like it's been a long, lonely road, no matter how many people I have to walk with me and support me.

 

[EmpressFi]

It feels like it's been a long, lonely road, no matter how many people I have to walk with me and support me.

*nods* it is..because no matter how many of us have been on that road.. no one's experience is the same. We're here but we cant take the steps with you on the exact same road.. but you're not alone.. *hugs*

 

[minx1]

I don't feel divorced anymore.

First I was me, then I was married and then divorced.

Sometime, I'm not sure when.... it stopped defining me *laughs*

I no longer describe myself as divorced.

I've come full circle and I am just me again.

 

[minx1]

Lol. This makes me sound mental. I don't really want to do this literally - I just can't explain the emotions.

You don't sound mental at all Itw. It's a shit time and I think what you are experiencing is pretty damn normal.....hope you are ok

 

[intothewoods]

You don't sound mental at all Itw. It's a shit time and I think what you are experiencing is pretty damn normal.....hope you are ok

Thank you. I am okay. Things have sort of cooled off with the ex, and hopefully we can all just treat each other with respect.

 

[the captians wench]

It's funny, the past 3 years I haven't lived with my ex, but I was married. I didn't think of myself as married, and for got a lot of times and would tell people I was single. The last 2 years that hasn't felt weird, me being single like. But since the devorce, I've kind of been weirded out by the idea marriage, which I wasn't the months before hand.

 

[honoria]

I'm going through the stages now. I've done the part where I tried to get closer, communicate, keep things together. Now, I'm done. He only recently figured out I was serious and now we are doing counseling. I'm still done. And I've been upfront about that. I'm using the counseling to help deal with the kids and make this as amicable as possible. He is running hot and cold now. One minute he's angry with me and the next he's telling me he loves me and wants to get away together. I'm trying to be understanding but, really, I don't feel anything for him. I don't hate him. I don't love him. Just, nothing. Well, anger sometimes when he tries to "guilt" me into staying, but that's all. He's not a bad man. He's actually a very good man and a great father, but he stopped loving me a long time ago and now there is nothing left to build on.

 

[FurryFury]

I don't feel divorced anymore.

First I was me, then I was married and then divorced.

Sometime, I'm not sure when.... it stopped defining me *laughs*

I no longer describe myself as divorced.

I've come full circle and I am just me again.

Good for you!

 

[FurryFury]

It's funny, the past 3 years I haven't lived with my ex, but I was married. I didn't think of myself as married, and for got a lot of times and would tell people I was single. The last 2 years that hasn't felt weird, me being single like. But since the devorce, I've kind of been weirded out by the idea marriage, which I wasn't the months before hand.

That is confusing.

Of course marriage was created by men and for men to make women and children property so any woman weirded out by it has every right to be.

 

[FurryFury]

I'm going through the stages now. I've done the part where I tried to get closer, communicate, keep things together. Now, I'm done. He only recently figured out I was serious and now we are doing counseling. I'm still done. And I've been upfront about that. I'm using the counseling to help deal with the kids and make this as amicable as possible. He is running hot and cold now. One minute he's angry with me and the next he's telling me he loves me and wants to get away together. I'm trying to be understanding but, really, I don't feel anything for him. I don't hate him. I don't love him. Just, nothing. Well, anger sometimes when he tries to "guilt" me into staying, but that's all. He's not a bad man. He's actually a very good man and a great father, but he stopped loving me a long time ago and now there is nothing left to build on.

It's good to be done and be able to stick to that. These days that seems rare.

 

[honoria]

It's good to be done and be able to stick to that. These days that seems rare.

It's sad, but yeah. It feels good to be out of limbo. To have a direction.

 

[desertslave]

I'm happily divorced and even happily remarried (though I was reluctant when Master told me that's what he wanted to do).

My only real issues with my ex now are regarding our kids (19 and 15). He only sees the kids twice a year because we live several states away. In the beginning (7 years ago) I did everything within my power to keep him connected with his kids. He became increasingly unavailable. Not home for planned phone calls, not replying to emails for weeks at a time, not responding to certified letters requesting his chosen dates for those two precious (to my kids) visits each year. I've tried to keep the connection going, and my kids know I have, but a connection requires both sides to cooperate.

This summer visit was a train wreck. He knew months ago that he needed to find a new home (long story about rentals and evictions). He didn't do what needed to be done just for himself, let alone involving the kids. We threw together a weekend visit at the last minute (normally it's a week or even two), then he had to back out because of a sudden illness in his fiancee's family. The kids were seriously disappointed, and I don't blame them. Unfortunately there's nothing I can do to make it better. I'm sad for my kids, exasperated with my ex, and honestly counting the days/weeks/months until they're both out of college so I no longer have to "cooperate" with this idiot. If we hadn't had kids we would've gone our separate ways the minute the ink on the divorce papers was dry. <sigh> I don't like him, I don't miss him, but I still have to deal with him. It sucks.

 

[bholderman]

A funny thing happened today. A neighbor across the way had a house warming party. They are a married couple with a two year old and very friendly.

That said, while dealing with the normal Saturday chores which is simply a frustrating against current effort of house cleaning as my kids came and went with firends to boot, I noticed the incoming guests, all couples.

Thats when it struck me. My ex was over, I have been trying to teach myself to be firends, while wishing on the inside nothing had ever happened. Ive dreamt often in the past few weeks of still being a happy family am I am not one for recurring dreams.

Lighting my eyes over the jovial conversation, etc, I realized how envious I was of each and every couple. It made me think why. My ex's' phone with off with a text message in the background. The cell phone and texting is rather sybolic as it revealed to me two years ago my marriage had become a sham.

Why was I envious? I have been fighting an aspect of myself I have not managed to put back together since then, trust. I can't imagine myself ever trusting anyone that much again. I have found myself bitter with jealousy when I see happy families, when Im carting around three noisy kids. When dinner is over, I wish someone was there to help me load the dishwasher.

I hate being divorced. I hate the events that led to it. I hate the person I almost became.

That said, Im tried but actually in a good mood.

 

[Bandit58]

I'm relieved that my ex is in NZ and I'm in Australia Unfortunately I still have ties to him, namely two children and the fact that he still owes me money from the property settlement, which is being paid off in instalments. I haven't seen him in person for three years, and only speak to him on the phone if he answers it when I ring my daughter when she is home for holidays.

I would be happy if I never set eyes on him again, but there are going to be times in the future when we will come together for the children's sake. I don't worry too much about that now - I used to though, I would get all tied up in knots at the thought of seeing him. However with Sir's love, I have the strength now to see him for what he really is....a pathetic loser who treated me badly to cover up his own insecurities.

As of three months ago I no longer have any financial ties to my ex, because he decided to pay me out three and a half years early. I haven't spoken to him on the phone because my daughter is now working on a dairy farm and she has her own place now, but no landline so it's a quick 10 minutes on the mobile (when I can catch her in).

I have a couple of my nieces from that marriage in my friends list on facebook, so I do get the occasional ex inlaw news I was a part of that family for 23 years and watched those kids grow up so it's great that we still have contact.

There are no plans for me to return to New Zealand in the forseeable future, unless there's a family emergency or something.

No real nightmares in the past few weeks, the dreams no longer scare or upset me the way they used to. It's taken me over 6 years to get to this stage though, and I still go to my "bad place" occasionally. I think it will always be a scar....

 

[minx1]

Lighting my eyes over the jovial conversation, etc, I realized how envious I was of each and every couple. It made me think why. My ex's' phone with off with a text message in the background. The cell phone and texting is rather sybolic as it revealed to me two years ago my marriage had become a sham.

Why was I envious? I have been fighting an aspect of myself I have not managed to put back together since then, trust. I can't imagine myself ever trusting anyone that much again. I have found myself bitter with jealousy when I see happy families, when Im carting around three noisy kids. When dinner is over, I wish someone was there to help me load the dishwasher.

I hate being divorced. I hate the events that led to it. I hate the person I almost became.

That said, Im tried but actually in a good mood.

Even now, at times, I still find myself gazing wistfully at the families I sometimes see down on the foreshore at weekends. Sometimes I miss having a partner to watch movies with or to fall asleep in their arms. Sometimes it because I yearn to be a mother. Other times I just want to be part of a family....to belong.
Sometimes, often actually, I enjoy my independence. I've even gone out with couples and been glad to be the single one..... No niggles, no strained conversation, no arguments in the company of others. I can just be me....all of me and not some watered down, more ''palatable'' version and I've liked it.

Perhaps I feel this way because I have never had a live in partner with whom I have been able to be completely myself. It wasn't until I have been alone that I realised this.

I have trusted again since the divorce. The trust was broken and it hurt immeasurably. But I have always trusted and I will continue to do so...because I want what it leads to...what you can only achieve through trusting. Its difficult and now and again it falters. But I am determined.

It makes me smile when I read this thread....so many similar journeys we have all taken or are in the process of taking and we are all at different stages of our journeys.

Mine? Honestly, I can say that i never think about my ex husband any more. Its forgotten now......it has been forgotten for a long time. Gone.
Infact its only now that I have thought about it that I realise it would be our anniversary in a couple of weeks time. *smile*

I'm glad not to be married to him and I'm glad not to be celebrating our anniversary. Not because I am bitter or hate him. I don't actually wish him any harm or sorrow. I'm glad because inspite of the ups and downs of my own personal journey I could not be happier.

This I hope is very much a beginning for me.

 

[intothewoods]

I hate that I will soon be "divorced."

I hate kink. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being "kinky" in my ex's eyes, and the moral superiority fueling him right now. As we go to negotiate a permanent custody agreement, I'm afraid of what he'll come up with.

I wish I were pregnant with Mister Man's baby, so my ex wouldn't be able to say a thing, and we could just be a family. It's stupid. I'm not going to get pregnant right now of course. But I just hate not knowing what I need to do to make my ex shut the fuck up already.

Wow - this was a year ago! Glad I didn't get pregnant. Lol - not that we tried, but that's some good logic there itw. Just makes me laugh. That would not have helped the situation with the ex.

Things are actually fine with the ex these days. I say that somewhat tentatively, but still, things are better than they ever have been. For various reasons, my ex has known a lot about my kinky life and in the past he has had that as ammunition to sort of hold over my head. I basically established boundaries and held firm on those and eventually he accepted that there wasn't anything to be concerned about and it wasn't his business. The thing is, as hard as it is, we are all a family together. I can't get rid of my ex from my life. It's not an option.

Brad - I think it's very normal that you're resentful and ticked that you are doing all of the parenting. I'm sorry your ex is not more involved. It won't be forever though and you will always be able to feel good about the choices you made for your daughters.

 

[bholderman]

ITW,

Thanks. Actually, I may have been a bit misleading, she does some parenting, and to give her some credit she tries. Unfortunately, her living situation means that the kids are always in my household, she comes over nearly everday after work and on the weekends. Its one of the reasons why the pain is difficult to remove.

Like others, there really isnt much animosity anymore. But, Im not the on who left the marriage, so to see her everyday is trying and Ive even told her that. But the kids do need there mom, and it does allow me to get out even if its for just a short quiet walk.

I was given a few pieces of advice as things came to end by various family memebers, the basic one, dont fight in front of the kids. Others, like the best revenge being living a better life than her, and dont let the kids see her suffer at all.

Ive done my best, but have fallen down every now and then. Ive found that karma in a way has done its own job to a degree. And Im starting to ramble about, but like Minx, it is "satisfying" to see the other stories, similar and dissimilar.

Wow - this was a year ago! Glad I didn't get pregnant. Lol - not that we tried, but that's some good logic there itw. Just makes me laugh. That would not have helped the situation with the ex.

Things are actually fine with the ex these days. I say that somewhat tentatively, but still, things are better than they ever have been. For various reasons, my ex has known a lot about my kinky life and in the past he has had that as ammunition to sort of hold over my head. I basically established boundaries and held firm on those and eventually he accepted that there wasn't anything to be concerned about and it wasn't his business. The thing is, as hard as it is, we are all a family together. I can't get rid of my ex from my life. It's not an option.

Brad - I think it's very normal that you're resentful and ticked that you are doing all of the parenting. I'm sorry your ex is not more involved. It won't be forever though and you will always be able to feel good about the choices you made for your daughters.

 

[FurryFury]

I'm so glad you are in a better place now!

As of three months ago I no longer have any financial ties to my ex, because he decided to pay me out three and a half years early. I haven't spoken to him on the phone because my daughter is now working on a dairy farm and she has her own place now, but no landline so it's a quick 10 minutes on the mobile (when I can catch her in).

I have a couple of my nieces from that marriage in my friends list on facebook, so I do get the occasional ex inlaw news I was a part of that family for 23 years and watched those kids grow up so it's great that we still have contact.

There are no plans for me to return to New Zealand in the forseeable future, unless there's a family emergency or something.

No real nightmares in the past few weeks, the dreams no longer scare or upset me the way they used to. It's taken me over 6 years to get to this stage though, and I still go to my "bad place" occasionally. I think it will always be a scar....

 

[BindnCufTite]

Weeks after we married she told me she only got married to prove to Auntie that she could have children. Eighteen years later she walked out and left me with the two kids, 5 and 10 yr olds. By the time the legal issues were sorted I left the country, took the kids set up a new life. I had no "education" to speak of. Now I'm working on a Masters.
Point is it takes 3 to 5 years, they say it's like suffering a death in the family. You go way off track before you can get to where you were before the divorce/seperation occurred. It's really difficult, but it is not impossible. Best wishes to all going through an extremely difficult situation.

 

[the captians wench]

It's hard for me to even think that i was ever married. It kind of seems like a dream I had that's just about forgotten. The last remints of him were exchanged a couple of weeks ago. He picked up the last box of his stuff that I found. The only thing left to tie us is an agreement for him to pay half of the damages to the apt once I move out of it.

People are shocked to hear that I was married, i guess partly because i'm so young. Honestly, it kind of surprises me to think I've been married and devorced so young. But hey, if that's the only "black spot" I have on my record from my teens I guess I didn't do too bad eh?

 

[Essene]

My divorce is now finalized- like as of yesterday. Well, yesterday being a saturday, I have to wait until monday to get confirmation so that I can change my name on my bank accounts and go to the SS office and stuff.

I was talking about emotions and feelings with a coworker who is also recently divorced. I understood her mixed thoughts and feelings, but overall I don't feel much of anything. Life is going on like it always has... with or without him.

For a few months now, I've been thinking that I should write a "good bye" letter or something, but as the day drew closer, the need has left me.

I wonder if it'll all catch up with me and I'll be totally devastated with melancholic nostalgia at some point. Right now though, I'm more than okay.