Divorce and Separation

[wordsmithe]

Going away for awhile

I am going off for about 10 days, traveling to the eastern US.

It will be interesting to see how the time apart works... aside from missing the kids.

I hope everyone had a great 4th

PS Being a geek, I'll have my laptop, so I'll be checking in on all of you ladies to see how you are doing; guys you are on your own

 

[Marilyth]

That's a very good question.

As of today it seems that my friend factor has been reduced by like 50%. The people who I thought were my friends are silent, deceitful and not worth the skin they are occupying, in my opinion.

I found that it is this small group that has encouraged Mike (my S.O) to travel the road he is on. They are masking themselves as his friends, but they are encouraging this self-destruction. I spoke with him this evening, after being away for the weekend (Me), and I think that I may have gotten through, if not the least little bit.

As far as leaving goes. I don't know what I'll do. My life has been controlled by where I can find employment. My friend Mat desperately wants me to move to NY. He's been trying since I graduated college (both times).

My parents want me back in Kansas. I don't. I have friends in Texas still, but I'm not bound there. My closest ties right now are here in Omaha. I really like Omaha. Besides, my friend relationships are strong, but I'm so independent minded that I will move somewhere I know no one, and will build something new. I did it in Houston. I've done it here. I find it challenging, abite a relief, when I succeed.

Thanks for the concern and inquiry!

 

[70/30]

I just started a thread on the General Board for those of us healing from the demise of a long term relatinship would have a place to hang out, vent, rant, laugh or just talk and share experiences.

An open invite is extended, or if you rather, we could simply run a separate thread in the personal's forum.


Good morning all!

Baby, I have sat patiently for a long time while another man has kept you warm at night, made sweet love to you, and presented you with gifts of jewelry and various shirts.

But I know that when you are alone, you think about how much better your life would be if you were with me, if it were me sexing you wild instead of him. Do you know what I am saying? You know in your heart that it is 70 you want, not this other man.

I am here to tell you that I will be your man. This other man, he cannot do the things 70 can.

This other man, does he purchase the finest scented oils from the remotest reaches of the East Orient, mix them in a special blend of his own devising, and then gently rub the exquisite balm into your soft flesh?

This other man, does he toil all day in his kitchen to prepare a gourmet meal of cooked pheasant and mashed potatoes for you? Does he personally mash the potatoes with the same tender love with which I would massage your beautiful muscles? Does he prepare corn on the cob and beets with the finest French wine to top off the delicious meal? Does he serve this meal on the finest china plates available for purchase? No, only 70 can do these various things for you. In addition, when he makes dinner for you, are peas also served?

This other man, does he draw a bubble bath for you in the large, round bathtub in his fourth-floor penthouse, scrubbing your back with soaps created in the most exclusive soap factories in Egypt? Does he do so slowly and delicately, so as to give you the maximum amount of pleasure? When you are through, does he offer to dry you off with a fine plush towel made of 100 percent cotton? No, only 70 will do these things for you. Furthermore, does he clear away the plastic wrapping in which the soap was packaged, so as to ensure that it does not get in your way?

Sweet thing, as I have clearly demonstrated thus far, I am unquestionably the better man for you. There can be no deniability of this fact. But you have not even heard the most convincing information to this regard.

This other man, does he freak you like an animal, putting his sting in you sideways? Does he hit you up doggy-style until the sun comes up? Does he whisper in your ear that you are the most precious, sexiest gift of God that has ever existed in all of creation? No. Only 70 will do this for you. And only 70 will do it in sheets made of the most exotic European satin.

Follow your heart, baby. And come to 70.

 

[callableborg]

saved up stuff

Been 6 years since my ex and I separated. Doing a no hassle divorce and am just waiting for someone to inform me that it is final.

Seems to me that the pain of separation is bruised ego. We are supposed to be alert, informed, in control and the masters of our own fate but reality can dictate otherwise. External events, the actions of other people, changes in other people can turn a life on its head and scatter it on the ground. Ouch.

Have concluded that my life has been immensely enriched over the long haul by the separation. Good work must prevail over random interference.

Since wm is away I have depressing stats to reveal. Recent reports that divorce rates in western industrial countries are nudging 50%. {Sweeden 65%} Avarage length of marriage for Canada - 13.2 years. If you consider that many still legally intact marriages are of the hampster wheel/property arrangement/ together for the good of the kids/ dead but not resolved legally types the real success rate is not very good.

Must be serious underlying reasons for this. Makes the poly/friends route look pretty attractive.

Also location. For myself{and I think most others ?} work/income is the primary consideration. Why do big cities keep getting bigger? They offer jobs I think. Got to be strength in feeling you are living where you 'belong'.

But belonging is where you're at with others. Right?

 

[Sandia]

Re: saved up stuff

But belonging is where you're at with others. Right?

What they said.

And Marilyth, may I ask what road your SO is on?

 

[Marilyth]

Re: Re: saved up stuff

What they said.

And Marilyth, may I ask what road your SO is on?

The road he has been traveling is filled with selfishness and deceit. The deceit comes from his friends encouraging him to do things that he & I discussed needed to be changed. He agreed that chewing tobacco was very bad for him. He promised me he'd quit. I found him dipping in February, and his first comment was, "Well Heather & Joey said that..." it was ok, essentially. His friends also gave him a game CD that he & I discussed was probably one of the reasons he's a computer addict. He wanted to break his, and I simply told him that I would hide it and he could get it back at some later date. His friend Joey, gave him one to bring home and play. I found it on Sunday.

Other deceitful things he's doing is lying to himself. He's identified that the things they are encouraging him to do are not healthy and do not make them his friends. I understand that he has control over his choices, but he feels he needs to be accepted by others to feel safe and comfortable. We spoke about what it truly means to be a friend, and he made his choice that some of his other friends, "weren't worth it."

However, this road he's taking has the way to fork and allowing him to take another path. We're going to counseling tomorrow. While I thought it best for him to drive himself, he asked me if we could drive together. That is a step for him to even ask that.

I'm hoping things work out. He's trying, and I can see that. Thanks for the help & concern. Any support through the waiting period is welcome! It's hard to wait for someone to make changes because it takes baby steps!

Blessings

 

[Sandia]

(((hugs)))
I hope things work out for you Marilyth! Let us know, ok?
What kind of counseling is it?

 

[Marilyth]

(((hugs)))
I hope things work out for you Marilyth! Let us know, ok?
What kind of counseling is it?

Thanks

The counseling is thru the local university. It's a graduate counseling program where the grad students are able to practice their skills while being video taped and observed by a licensed practitioner. It's only $15 which is what I can afford right now. Hopefully it will work.

Now I get to focus more on me, because I didn't get the job I had been so hoping for these past 2 weeks.

I'm hanging in there though.

 

[Sandia]

What job were you looking for, Marilyth?

 

[Marilyth]

Job

What job were you looking for, Marilyth?

I interviewed for a job at a local university. I have a master's in educational administration, and was hoping to get back to the university level and out of secondary teaching. Needless to say I was turned down.

I have a couple of leads at local corporations for training positions, which I didn't really want to do, but whatever makes some money.

I had to file for unemployment which (don't mean to sound snobby) was something I didn't want to ever have to do. I've never been without a job for more than a week. Oh well.

I'll be hitting the employment agencies and some major companies tomorrow to see what they have.

Take it easy!

 

[wordsmithe]

Re: Job

I've never been without a job for more than a week. Oh well.

I'll be hitting the employment agencies and some major companies tomorrow to see what they have.

Take it easy!

I hope your efforts are rewarded soon... it is bad enough having relationship problems without having other issues nagging at you as well.

It sounds like you have a lot to offer, both to an employer and to a man... I can't believe people are passing up the opportunity to take advantage of what you have to give!

 

[Marilyth]

Re: Re: Job

I hope your efforts are rewarded soon... it is bad enough having relationship problems without having other issues nagging at you as well.

It sounds like you have a lot to offer, both to an employer and to a man... I can't believe people are passing up the opportunity to take advantage of what you have to give!

Yeah, neither can I. What's funny is that I have one man who apparently loves me, but is having problems of his own. I have another who's my friend, but wants more, but doesn't love me. Man... this is crazy!!

Life goes on tho

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: Job

Yeah, neither can I. What's funny is that I have one man who apparently loves me, but is having problems of his own. I have another who's my friend, but wants more, but doesn't love me. Man... this is crazy!!

Life goes on tho

I suppose what really matters is how someone treats you, and how long you can expect that treatment to last...

If either of these guys can offer you happiness for a long time... perhaps i then only matters how you feel about them...

If neither can deliver a long lasting happiness, don't let them get in the way of looking for someone who can, and whom you can return the favor to.

 

[wordsmithe]

Last message was from Wordsmithe

I somehow got logged out; the last message was from me, sorry that my sage advice went anonymous... though that may have been better!

 

[Sandia]

*Minor hijack; apologies.*
WS, there's a lit party in Houston this weekend. Here's the thread: http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=96416 You're invited!

S.

 

[MissTaken]

Hijack away!


I am sorry I have so neglected this thread, but wordsmithe?

You rock!

I have read your posts and can only say, "ditto."


hugs to all

 

[Marilyth]

Re: Last message was from Wordsmithe

I somehow got logged out; the last message was from me, sorry that my sage advice went anonymous... though that may have been better!

Thank you for the kind thoughts. I agree with you. If they can offer longterm happiness, that's what's important. I know that one can, if he figures out that ... well, it's the end of the nose theory And the other it's the head out of the ass theory.

Thanks again!!

 

[wordsmithe]

*Minor hijack; apologies.*
WS, there's a lit party in Houston this weekend. Here's the thread: http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=96416 You're invited!
S.

Sorry that I will have to miss it... I just got back from Georgia and Tennessee, and know I am heading for Boston...

 

[wordsmithe]

Hijack away!


I am sorry I have so neglected this thread, but wordsmithe?

You rock!

Wow, normally I just have people telling me I have rocks in my head

 

[wordsmithe]

Re: Re: Last message was from Wordsmithe

If they can offer longterm happiness, that's what's important. I know that one can, if he figures out that ...
Thanks again!!

I hope this person who has the potential to make you have pulls his head out soon; if not, don't wait too long... you need a full time smile starting NOW!

 

[wordsmithe]

Staying together

We have discovered that my wife has uterine fibroid tumors, and she will have a hysterectomy.

There is a good chance that after this procedure many thing will become better for her, and I have committed to myself to make this a starting point for us, as my time away really set me straight on my daughters and family, and life in general.

My situation is far less traumatic than those I have read about here, and staying together is not only not a bad idea for some of you, it could also be dangerous... please evaluate the whole situation when deciding what *you* should do.

Some have suggested going poly, which to me could be problematic as it has been my experience that while you can love more than one, there is typically a stronger one way bond that, while it may ebb and flow between partners, at any given time could produce friction between the other partners. I have read that many of the old school Mormons avoided this by not showing any amorous behavior in public, which is an unfair loss in my eyes.

But it may be an option to consider.

Some may consider getting some comfort in the arms of others to satisfy needs going unmet at home... but we have to be careful to separate intercourse from making love.

If you find yourself with someone new, I would hope that lengths are taken to not hurt your partner while you try to balance your needs, especially if that is the only problem you are dealing with.

To me, one night stands are too empty to satisfy what I really need; making love is an extension of deep sharing with friends. So if you turn to a close friend to meet your needs, this situation could quickly turn to 'love' and can really add confusion to a struggling but viable marriage to someone else... again, emotions ebb and flow and you may find yourself in a position of lust which will pass while throwing away love.

I am not trying to tell you hurting souls what to do or not to do, I just hope you all have a chance to take time and think about what you need.

You may need to find someone new in order to get the love you deserve... I wish you luck and you fight through this difficult and painful time of decision.

If you do split, again, time is needed...

(Wordsmithe gets off his soapbox...)

 

[psyche]

divorce?

I need to vent and this may not make much sense.

I have been married for 20 years. We had problems in the beginning of our marriage that we tried to work through, but it seems as if the same issues come up repeatedly. I married for love only, I loved my husband completely, without reservation. He is smart, articulate and I was attracted to him physically, the whole package. On the negative side he is critical, negative, and almost cruel in the way he treats me at times. He is also very controling, to the point that if he is home I should be in the same room with him, if not, he wants to fucking know what I am doing. If we are in the family room and he is watching something he is not happy unless I am watching it too, although I would rather read. I hate most of the shows on tv and I would rather read than watch that shit. If I insist on reading rather than watching he is offened and believes I am 'not spending time with him'. Is this fucked up or what. He watches tv, and yet degrades me for spending time on my computer or being on-line. We have never once listened to any of 'my' music in the car when we are together and yet I am expected to listen to the music he likes. I could go on but you get the fucking idea.

I come from an alcoholic family background. If you know anything about the mind set produced by that type of family you know I had many problems when we got married. I hated to argue and my initial reaction was to bolt. There were many times when I got out of the car and walked away from him. I also just left many times because I couldn't deal with it. I have not done that for years, and yet it is brought up in every argument - what I put him through. I also had a temper and I'm sure many other problems. To help myself I went to Adult Children of Alchololics meetings for years, which helped me deal with the resentment that I had for my mother and father and the family that we grew up in. This helped to alleviate many of my problems, but god knows I am still not perfect.

He cannot let go of any of this early shit and go on. I can say that I have not been happy in my marriage for over a year now. And yet I used to be totally happy, many of our friends think that we have the perfect marriage. We have watched many of our friends marriages end in divorce. And I always thought we would be the one's to last and that I would grow old with him. With all this accumulated garbage he is resentful. He says over and over again that he loves me. I told him last Saturday that I don't love him anymore and he cried all day. And yet he treats me as if he doesn't love me. Well he has finally won and I can't stand him anymore. I think he is bipolar and he has finally agreed to see someone about that but it may be too late for me.

Today I am home. I washed three loads of laundry, watered our neighbors yard, took out the garbage, cleaned and straightend the house (which is always kept perfectly) and finished watering our yard.......... and on and on. He called to whine about his shitty job, which he does constantly, I am expected to be sympathetic, and then he gives me the lecture about something I should have done. That's his way of talking to me - lecturing me about something. He is very demanding, very sensitive, extremely high maintenence so I have to be there to take care of him. On the other hand I am expected to be strong, take his criticism knowing he isn't serious and if I have a complaint he never once is sympathetic. He gets migraine headaches, he hates his job, he criticizes every person he knows. He does a lot he organizes activities and he can be fun for that, but then he shoves what he does in your face.

I am to the point that I can't stand him anymore. Last Saturday I was ready to leave him. On Monday his secretary left him after working for him for 15 years, so he has this major crisis at work, after crying all day Saturday. He is going in and crying at work, he comes home and cries at night. I finally convinced him to see someone, and he is.

I have an hour commute from work, I love my job, I am happy. I come home in the evenings after driving for an hour - get shit and wonder why in the fuck I am driving an hour for this. He wants us to go for counseling but I think I am too far gone.

I am sorry this is so long. I don't care if anyone reads it or not I had to get it out.

 

[Arden]

Re: divorce?

You have displayed a lot of patience over the years, something that others might not have done.

The controlling aspect of his personality may not respond to medication, so be careful. He's going through a mourning phase now because you told him you no longer love him. The next phase may be denial, and after that, anger. Please watch him closely so nothing bad happens to you.

My ex did the 20 questions routine every night, after I worked 10 hours, and came home with the kids in tow. What were you doing? Where have you been? I never had time to sleep, let alone cheat on him.

When I filed for divorce, he had to be manually evicted from the apartment, he wouldn't leave. He spent the night sleeping in his truck under overpasses, calling me crying at 3:00 am almost nightly for a week or two. He was the one was having an affair, but I didn't care any more... I hoped he would find someone to go live with so a divorce would be easier. Anyhow, right after I moved his things out, he twice broke into the apartment in the middle of the night. Kicked in the door once, broke glass in the patio door another time. Ugly sight, very frightening. Erratic behavior due to sudden loss, maybe, even though he caused many of the problems.

So, keep an eye on your husband, for your own sake. I don't wish what I went through on anyone.

Be sure to utilize your friends for support and understanding. Never go through it on your own...

You will probably know if counseling will work after a few weeks... whatever your decision is, I wish you the best.

Arden

PS. Sorry for rambling on so much last night. I finally received an E-mail from my S/O about an hour ago, and everything is fine.

 

[psyche]

Arden,
Thank you for your kind words. I have a very best friend who is in Denver who knows everything about this, so she has helped me a lot.

It's sad, but I think he is more worried that he will be seen as a failure than anything else. Even though I told him over and over again he sacrificed us to buy a big house and to have things in a job he hates so much that he has lost himself in the process. I hate this house and what it has done to him. I told him along time ago that he is not going to be able to win me by buying me shit.

Did you who have gone through a divorce just wake up one morning and realize that you no longer loved your spouse? I can't pinpoint when it happend. I am numb.

 

[Arden]

Did you who have gone through a divorce just wake up one morning and realize that you no longer loved your spouse? I can't pinpoint when it happend. I am numb.

Loss of respect came first, which eventually killed off any semblance of love that once existed. It was a gradual thing, that grew over time, leaving no love at all in the end. I didn't want counseling because I was torn up emotionally, and couldn't see any possibility of working through it all. I did ask him to go to counseling about a year earlier, and he scoffed at the idea, said all I needed to do was attend to his needs as his wife... LOL!

Anyhow, my loss of love and respect wasn't an overnight discovery. All of the fucked-up things finally snowballed, and I had to get out for my own sanity.