Divorce and Separation

[ANY1-4-69]

Thx to all 4 input

Thx Psyche and LadyBird, true time does heal and I am moving on with my life, thats one of the reasons i am on Lit, it seems there are alot of gr8 ppl here and alot have been or are going thruogh the same chit. So looking forward to chatting with yall and fitting in with the Lit family Dave

 

[callableborg]

Richard49

Read through the thread on poly that you posted. Something that strikes me is that quite often there is reference to people actively seeking out a poly sort of situation.

In my own case I seem to be slowly drifting in that direction but find myself with niether the will or the wits to take any direct action. Sort of in a limbo of watch and wait.

Any comment?

 

[wordsmithe]

Sounding board

I believe this thread has a double pupose: it helps people examine what is going on in their life and allows them to 'get it off their chest' ...as well as allowing others to see how events in others lives might affect them.

We have seen peoples problems and we have seen coping solutions.

I hope all who have exposed their inner most fears were rewarded with some level of comfort, and I want to thank everyone for the support offer to all who have posted here.

But this thread can get sooo depressing unless we also hear more from the folks that have healed and moved on.

We could also use some humor from time to time...

A car was driving on the Interstate in the far right hand lane, traveling at 55 mph

In the rear view mirror grew a State Trooper, now right behind.

The car suddenly speeds up to 75 mph and the Trooper activates his lights and siren and the car reluctantly pulls onto the shoulder.

After the Trooper demands the driver's driver's license and registration, he says, "I cannot for the life of me figure out why, when you knew I was behind you, you sped up knowing that you could be cited for speeding. What in the world caused you to do that ?

The driver looked relieved, stared the Trooper directly in the eye and softly spoke, "Trooper, three months ago, my spouse ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were trying to bring that looser back."

 

[psyche]

Re: support group

You're right wordsmithe. It helps all of us by sharing information and getting it out to analyze our feelings and to also get support and feedback from an intelligent group of people who may provide insights into our situation that we may not be aware of. And by providing support and feedback we also benefit. Welcome to the on-line support group!

 

[myydryn]

Well here goes. My ex and I had been together for ove 6 years. We had lived together for 4 of those. I had asked her to marry me and it was only one more year until our big day. I had gone back to school to get a better job, and I couldn't spend as much time with her as I used too.

We started having problems, but it wasn't anything that we wouldn't have been able to work through. One day she decides that she didn't want to be with me anymore. Well you can't keep someone who doesn't want to be kept, so I agreed that we should break up.

Later she must have been feeling guilty because she told me that she had cheated on me. She hadn't had sex, but there was some heavy kissing I guess. The kicker is that it was with one of my best friends, the guy I was going to ask to be my best man.

I doing better now, but it still burns how she did this. Of course all of our friends sided with her, so I was pretty much kicked to the curb by everyone. Oh-well. If this is how they act now it's better I'm rid of them.

Myydryn

 

[Richard49]

Re: Richard49

Read through the thread on poly that you posted. Something that strikes me is that quite often there is reference to people actively seeking out a poly sort of situation.

In my own case I seem to be slowly drifting in that direction but find myself with niether the will or the wits to take any direct action. Sort of in a limbo of watch and wait.

Any comment?

I hope you posted to the poly thread this post
many might have btter answers than I

I think the first poly situtation
just happens

 

[callableborg]

Richard49

Thanks for reply. Will post on poly thread when I get my exact query together.

Seems to me that poly just happens although others seem to seek out with intent. Little of a paradox here as affairs have to be managed somehow.

 

[wordsmithe]

Male and Female

I was just wondering if any readers had gotten back together with a spouse after divorce and made it work.

My personal feeling is that if milk goes bad, putting it back in the fridge and checking in two weeks will not show a different result.

But I have heard of people who parted on more or less on friendly terms who get back together later.

Or it is possible that someone could finally wise up, and really try.

People change, and I suppose those changes could make people more compatible on occasion, but do things really improve?

Just curious.

 

[Marilyth]

Ending relationship

Well, looks like a lot of people have ended relationships a while ago. I'm in the midst of the deciding factors. I'm watching him self-destruct, which is killing me. It's not that I don't love him anymore, I do. But I can't sit by and watch someone I care about destroy himself. I've done this for 2 years, I know a short time, but for me has been an eternity. I just want him back the way he was in August. He was so happy then, waiting to get out of the USAF. Then his discharge was changed because of Sept. 11. And that date changed my life forever.

Now I'm looking to leave and start over again. It's been very hard for me for the last 8 years already. Starting over at 29, with no family to speak of is the worst. I know women start over in their late 30's and 40's, but many of them already have families, children. I've never been married, and have no children. So, this is a big, difficult decision.

I'm just hoping I make it, and so does he.

Thanks for reading...

 

[MissTaken]

Marilyth,

You are stuck between that "rock and a hard place."

It is a difficult decision especially when he hasn't apparently committed a heinous act that you can use to justify leaving.

Also, I remember thinking, "if I get through this, we will be stronger and perhaps things will change."

Things change when two people want them to change and are willing to do the work.

I can only offer empathy.
Perhaps a cyber hug or two.

And I will suggest that at some point in your future, your happiness will become as important to you as it should be. Then, you will find it, with him or without him.

I think we get stuck in limbo and like hamsters on a little wheel, keep running because the wheel is there and it is what is expected. Then, one day, we look at the wheel and say, "Screw this! I am tired of that thing and want something more, better, different."

I also believe that those of us who stayed in those situations, on teh wheel, found that the "evil we know " is less frightening that the one we don't know.

Take you time.
Do what will make you happy.

And of course, my heart goes out to him, too. It is sad that his pain and suffering may likely cause more pain suffering for him. But, YOU do matter!

hugs

Miss T

(a tired ramble. I am sorry. )

 

[Marilyth]

Thanks for the ramble, Miss T!

Yeah, rock & hard place. I feel it.

What I'm scared of is that I'm staying hoping for change, and it's not going to happen. I've been waiting for change for a year now. Things haven't changed, they've gotten worse.

I'm hanging in there. I hope not to cry anymore tonight. My eyes hurt enough as it is.

Thanks again! ::hugs::

 

[wordsmithe]

Yeah, rock & hard place. I feel it.

What I'm scared of is that I'm staying hoping for change, and it's not going to happen. I've been waiting for change for a year now. Things haven't changed, they've gotten worse.

I'm hanging in there. I hope not to cry anymore tonight. My eyes hurt enough as it is.

I hope I am not sticking my nose where it doesn't belong, but you sound like you need a change in order to keep what little happiness you have left. It may be rough, but it sounds like a change can only improve things...

I hope it works out well for you

 

[redrider4u]

A year, next Monday

is when she left. I thought she would return, but, lol.....did not happen. As I look back, the warning signs were there, I just did not see them. Now involved in the legal beagle thing; it's all just about money. So, after about 3 months, got my shit back together....and started making a life for myself. But, it took a long time.....before I could trust a woman. The past fades, and eventually happy memories will survive.

 

[Marilyth]

You'd only be sticking your nose where it didn't belong, if you put it in a blender

Thanks for the tip. My friend Tori empowered me a lit last night. She, instead of huggy, I'm sorry, got very very angry. Her response to much of mine, is, "he has to go!"

She also said, to my comment about him only loving me 50/50, was... "He'd better hope he & I aren't in the same room together, ever. .." Tori's 5'8 and not a small woman. Mike's 6'4 and a big guy. Who'd win. I put my money on Tor! Don't fuck with an angry woman protecting her friends

I love my friends!!

Thanks!! Any tips are welcome. Any empowering words are very encouraged. I need courage right now

 

[wordsmithe]

You'd only be sticking your nose where it didn't belong, if you put it in a blender

Thanks for the tip. My friend Tori empowered me a lit last night. She... got very very angry. Her response ...is, "he has to go!"

I love my friends!!

Thanks!! Any tips are welcome. Any empowering words are very encouraged. I need courage right now

Knowing the facts won't make it any easier when the time comes, but it sounds like your friends can and will make it easier for you.

Spend time with them now; you deserve to have some fun, as well as getting some support.

And write about what you are going through, it is great therapy and may land you a book deal Include the fun things too, like any fights that break out between your friend and Significant Other... PS I'll put $5 on your friend!

 

[Sandia]

I only just found this thread (thanks, Marilyth, for leading me here and, btw, Tx, I think is not considered part of the midwest... )

I want to thank everybody who's posted, for sharing, and to say how much I appreciate it. Thank you!

I have too much to say, to put it all in one post, but a couple things just leap to mind:

Sortacurios, please stop looking for a prince. Please?

And ws, Lit needs to hear more from you. A lot more. You make me laugh, and you ask wonderful questions.

Anyone can get laid (well, except for shy, eccentric guys like me), but it is really hard to find someone who you want to spend time with, talk with... share with.

Girls, women, JUMP on him. Now! (Talk about a prince...!)

Sandia.

 

[wordsmithe]

I only just found this thread (thanks, Marilyth, for leading me here )

I want to thank everybody who's posted, for sharing, and to say how much I appreciate it. Thank you!

I have too much to say, to put it all in one post, but a couple things just leap to mind:

And ws, Lit needs to hear more from you. A lot more. You make me laugh, and you ask wonderful questions.


Girls, women, JUMP on him. Now! (Talk about a prince...!)

Sandia.

Thank you for the kind, if not misguided words. People often tell me I'm funny, but looks aren't everything....

On such a rough thread, we could all use a laugh, and a place to vent. I look forward to your comments.

 

[Marilyth]

Knowing the facts won't make it any easier when the time comes, but it sounds like your friends can and will make it easier for you.

Spend time with them now; you deserve to have some fun, as well as getting some support.

And write about what you are going through, it is great therapy and may land you a book deal Include the fun things too, like any fights that break out between your friend and Significant Other... PS I'll put $5 on your friend!

$5 bucks on the Tor-meister. I'll put you down

I'm becoming very aware of what could happen in the future. What's cool is that I have a great social life right now and have had for about 6 months. Tori has made my summer memorable. We talk every day. We've been on a road trip. We're going to the zoo on the 4th (I've never been here). I'm very lucky!!

I'm planning on using my weekend (going camping at Gaea in Kansas) for meditation and writing. I need to reconnect with nature and see life for what it is. If I write something, you never know... you may find it here somewhere.

Thanks!!

 

[Marilyth]

I know I know it's not the midwest, but I lived in Texas for 15 years out of 29 of my life. I miss it so much that I wish it were the midwest. Does that count for some of my absentmindedness? I do get my accent back when I'm tired & emphatic about something. How bout that?

 

[Sandia]

Thank you for the kind, if not misguided words. People often tell me I'm funny, but looks aren't everything....

On such a rough thread, we could all use a laugh, and a place to vent. I look forward to your comments.

Kehehe.

Thank you. So, are you bi, or what?



Actually, I've been married nine years, and it's taken me this long to realize how deeply and painfully unhappy some things about my marriage have made me.

Sandia.

 

[Sandia]

I know I know it's not the midwest, but I lived in Texas for 15 years out of 29 of my life. I miss it so much that I wish it were the midwest. Does that count for some of my absentmindedness? I do get my accent back when I'm tired & emphatic about something. How bout that?

Well, come on back, now, heah?

Actually, Seguin is a beautiful place. I can't imagine what would draw you from there to uhm, Nebraska...

Sandia.

 

[wordsmithe]

Kehehe.
Thank you. So, are you bi, or what?

Actually, I've been married nine years, and it's taken me this long to realize how deeply and painfully unhappy some things about my marriage have made me.
Sandia.

Me bi? No (not that there is anything wrong with that, to quote Seinfeld). Actually while I like to think of myself as enlightened, as I have said before, I feel too many men are a waste of thier mother's genetic material, so there is little to interest me.

As a matter of fact, I have yet to figure out why more women aren't gay, to avoid dealing with guys!

Seriously, I guess I am just inclined to be interested in women.

Very interested at times

Now to your commen: nine years is a long time... was it all bad, or just recently started to turn down? When did you get a sence that this was not how it should work?

 

[Sandia]

I love Seinfeld. Of course, I was just kidding, ws. About the bi-thing, I mean.

I feel guilty that I let my lack of passion in my life make me even think about leaving...

Guilt is a terrible thing, isn't it? I've come to learn that guilt can be used as a weapon, and a chain.

I try, but as I mentioned earlier, after being rejected so many times I sometimes avoid trying, as much as I would like to. And even when we do make love, she is a recipient only, never starting anything or doing anything for me. She does climax, she says she loves me... she just has no sex drive.

This isn't exactly my situation, but similar. My wife was molested as a child, which has resulted in some quite severe limits in our sex life, both physical and psychological.

It's also resulted in what I've come to believe is a very unhealthy dynamic in our relationship.

<sigh> I keep telling myself to keep my fucking mouth shut, but truth is since I found this place, I haven't been able to resist. I guess I've kept a lot of things to myself for a very long time.

I've come to think there's a difference between caring for someone and love.

It's only been a little while, ws. In fact it was only a few weeks ago that she first failed to win an argument by crying. Sort of a breakthrough for me.

Tell me a little bit more about your relationship, ws. That way I'll feel a bit better about all this.

Sandia.

 

[Marilyth]

Seguin was too small for my so-called big city mentality. Went off to Lubbock & College Station for undergrad & grad school. Lived in Houston and decided it was too big. Came to Nebraska to be closer to family that's in Kansas. Hence...

I'd like to go back to Texas, but I really like this place for some unknown reason

Take care

 

[wordsmithe]

Seguin was too small for my so-called big city mentality. Went off to Lubbock & College Station for undergrad & grad school. Lived in Houston and decided it was too big. Came to Nebraska to be closer to family that's in Kansas. Hence...

I'd like to go back to Texas, but I really like this place for some unknown reason

Take care

I spent 10 years in Houston, you are right, it is too big. I picked central Texas because I am an hour or so from Dallas, Ft. Worth, and Austin for when I need museums and music, but far enough away to avoid traffic and pollution.

If you and your significant other do split, would you still stay there? I assume that is also where most of your friends are...

Just curious if locations plays a part.