Divorce and Separation

[sortacurious]

Wow what a great pic it is beautiful ...If you take away the sand and put up a bunch of factory's with lots of smoke stacks throw in some run down buildings pollute that water and get that sickly green color in it and put a bunch of garbage all around it and it kinda looks like where I live ..I hope you had fun yesterday sounds like you had a decent day..I couldn't agree with you more about life being strange at times ...Wear tight jeans on the bike ride makes your butt look good on the back of a hog...Alittle leather never hurts either..Take care ....GO WINGS

tight jeans & leather, ok got it!

 

[callableborg]

Divorce and separation

Was married to a woman and had 6 children. Together for 18 yr. She suffered from depression and eventually got involved with another man and just went off the deep end. What seemed a relationship that would last for life was just gone with the wind.

emerald_eyes is right about the 5 yr. or so thing whether you want to believe it or not. You have to got your own life back on its feet, develop your own sense of self and direction, more or less re-create yourself.

Been almost 7 tears now since we split and I 100% believe it was the best thing that ever happened to me. At the time a disaster of galactic proportions - now seems like a release from prison for one who did not realize he was in chains.

About the time heals thing. You don't get a choice. I found that even if I met a woman and experienced a mutual attraction I was too shattered and at odds with myself inside to go anywhere with it.

Time and experience also help in that they remove you from the old order so you can experience new people with a sense of confidence and a lack of personal baggage.

Thanks for posting.

 

[sortacurious]

Re: Divorce and separation

Was married to a woman and had 6 children. Together for 18 yr. She suffered from depression and eventually got involved with another man and just went off the deep end. What seemed a relationship that would last for life was just gone with the wind.

emerald_eyes is right about the 5 yr. or so thing whether you want to believe it or not. You have to got your own life back on its feet, develop your own sense of self and direction, more or less re-create yourself.

Been almost 7 tears now since we split and I 100% believe it was the best thing that ever happened to me. At the time a disaster of galactic proportions - now seems like a release from prison for one who did not realize he was in chains.

About the time heals thing. You don't get a choice. I found that even if I met a woman and experienced a mutual attraction I was too shattered and at odds with myself inside to go anywhere with it.

Time and experience also help in that they remove you from the old order so you can experience new people with a sense of confidence and a lack of personal baggage.

Thanks for posting.

Wow! Ya know, my cousin just did the same thing your ex did. She just went weird all of a sudden, and she was in the storybook relationship. She regrets it now, but what's done is done. I'm sorry you were at the recieving end it.

As for the 5 years...I'd have to be nuts to trust someone with my heart again, so it's gonna just have to be physical relationships for me. I have learned my lesson!

 

[Wolf13]

My wife did the same, fell into depression after losing a baby, lost a ton of weight , so much people thought she was anorexic. We were married for 12 and together for 16 and one day she just lost it. It was strange you think you know someone? I agree Sorta, the trust thing is huge for me and it will be difficult to get to a point where you can totally trust someone again, because I never want to experience the last 14 months again.

 

[callableborg]

trust

Yea, trust is the cross here. We knew each other, were loyal and honest and loving. You can know some one but if they suddenly change to someone else what do you know?

Suddenly there is another man involved, no communication, no loving - a dry puzzling new world. Kids as well - at least something to hold on with.

That was 7 years back for me, have become involved with another woman whom I feel I trust = but. She is roughly the same age my wife was when she snapped and is also under alot of stress {working, 4 kids etc.} and I do fear another attack of loss is possible.

Can the heart learn and recover itself? At least the possibility seems to be offered.

Suspect that hormones are involved here. Wifes mother had an early menopause and my wife went off at 36. Went to our Family doctor to talk this over but hit the wall of patient confidentiality. Very useful.

Hope that if you can trust yourself that the door is always open toward trust with others.

 

[MissTaken]

Wow sorta! All I can do is smile at your post! And you are welcome....

Trust: A sticky issue at best. However, it is human nature to trust and when you deny yourself the opportunity to trust you are working against your nature. I believe that I will trust again, but not so freely and easily. Trust and respect need to be earned before being given.

I read some posts recently where a young man asked how he could "get" his long distance girlfriend to trust him. My response, don't push it and be trustworthy. End of story.

It ain't easy and it takes time.

The heart does heal.

In time, all things heal.

hugs to all.

 

[sortacurious]

Wow sorta! All I can do is smile at your post! And you are welcome....

Trust: A sticky issue at best. However, it is human nature to trust and when you deny yourself the opportunity to trust you are working against your nature. I believe that I will trust again, but not so freely and easily. Trust and respect need to be earned before being given.

I read some posts recently where a young man asked how he could "get" his long distance girlfriend to trust him. My response, don't push it and be trustworthy. End of story.

It ain't easy and it takes time.

The heart does heal.

In time, all things heal.

hugs to all.

You know, in searching the soul (and meeting up with someone from my past) I see how much I've changed. I think trusting others is the biggest change. I'm now almost the opposite of what I used to be. I used to look at people with my rose-colored glasses on. I trusted and respected someone until they did something to cause me to loose it. I gave of myself more that way too! I let people in and was able to establish bonds with people. I miss that person that I was. I liked that person. Now, the glasses have come off. While I accept people for who they are (and see them much clearer now), I find myself waiting to see if they are deserving of my trust and respect. I hold back most of myself at all times. You're right it's against my nature. I don't really like it but now I don't know how to undo it.

I believe that their is someone who could bring down all the protective barriers I've built up. I dream about it sometimes. Like a fairy-tale...with one kiss, and those special words from his lips to my ear and the evil spell is broken. The sad part is, with the evil spell in place I don't want to search for that prince, so unless he comes and finds me I'm stuck in never-neverland instead of happily ever after...

 

[omahaman2]

Re: Divorce and separation

Was married to a woman and had 6 children. Together for 18 yr. She suffered from depression and eventually got involved with another man and just went off the deep end. What seemed a relationship that would last for life was just gone with the wind.

emerald_eyes is right about the 5 yr. or so thing whether you want to believe it or not. You have to got your own life back on its feet, develop your own sense of self and direction, more or less re-create yourself.

Been almost 7 tears now since we split and I 100% believe it was the best thing that ever happened to me. At the time a disaster of galactic proportions - now seems like a release from prison for one who did not realize he was in chains.

About the time heals thing. You don't get a choice. I found that even if I met a woman and experienced a mutual attraction I was too shattered and at odds with myself inside to go anywhere with it.

Time and experience also help in that they remove you from the old order so you can experience new people with a sense of confidence and a lack of personal baggage.

Thanks for posting.

WOW,Sounds like you were married to my ex.She too went off the deep end.we had a fairytale marriage, the type where everyone says we were meant fpr each other, the type everyone jokes about being so sickenly sweet. Then,one day,she decided she needed to seek help and that seemed to be the beginning of the end. She started to believe all her relationships were wrong. Even avoided her own mother.Her mom told me herself get out for your own sanity.I stuck with it,however,since I alays believed in my vows. However,she ended it and i was crushed. Yes, i do agree with the five year idea, you really got to get your faith back in yourself and trealize you are good and the problem was not with you but the elationship. I also gree things do getter better once you move on from a troubled relationship. I found someone right here in LIT that believed in m and I in them.. I really didnt know how to react when I saw in the newspaper my wives second marriage ended after only six months with her new husband asking for adivorce.

 

[Richard49]

Re: Re: Divorce and separation

As for the 5 years...I'd have to be nuts to trust someone with my heart again, so it's gonna just have to be physical relationships for me. I have learned my lesson!

I am deeply sorry to hear U believe this way

I have never heard the 5 year rule
I have heard you should never make any major changes in your life for 1 year.........

However I know a couple that is married ..... has been for about 5 years ..... that were fresh out of there past relationships and have made this one work

 

[venus_can]

Great Thread

Interesting thread... thanks MissTaken for starting this...

Sorta, such a beautiful picture!

Hugs
Venus

 

[Richard49]

Trust?

Who is it we do not trust?

For me it is "I" that I do not trust...... if I could have been so wrong how can I ever be right?

While I use to hear this saying
"never give your trust away like a street whore"

This takes us back to how and how much we value ourselves.
I once heard self esteem described as the difference between what we say we believe and how we actually act.

For me I am presently on a very bizarre journey.
Where it will take me I do not know .... however when it started I not only did not want the journey ....... I wanted to stop it even though I knew I could not .........

Today I worked in the garden .... something she and I did together every year for many years ..... I became very sad .....
yet all the abuse she gave me over the years including over the garden .......

I guess I am just an addict

 

[sortacurious]

Re: Re: Re: Divorce and separation

I am deeply sorry to hear U believew this way

I have never heard the 5 year rule
I have heard you should never make any major changes in your life for 1 year.........

However I know a couple that is married ..... has been for about 5 years ..... that were fresh out of there past relationships and have made this one work

I don't want to, believe me I don't. But just when I try to open my heart I get a good taste of why that's not safe. I think one reason I get these doses of reality is because I won't ever turn away someone I care about, no matter how it might hurt me in the long run.

It's not impossible to make a relationship work fresh out of an old one. It's also not impossible to make everyone around you think you have the perfect relationship. I've done it for 10 years. I could keep doing it for the rest of my life, if I so choose. That doesn't mean I had any business getting in the new relationship to begin with. In my case I wasn't in love, I was honest about that. He wanted to be with me anyway. So, I figured ok, at least I won't get my heartbroke. But I've found out that heartbreak comes in many forms...as does abuse. I don't have to be in love to be hurt. Nor do I have to be in love to be scared of the reprocussions of leaving. Balancing on a tightrope of survival doesn't leave a lot of room for trust. Know what I mean?

 

[MissTaken]

Richard!

You really hit a cord! Yes, it is me I don't trust. My judgement has been pretty bad historically.

And to be frank, having two small children really makes my choices far more important than ever before.

So, I continue on...but am keeping a positive attitude.


Truly.

 

[Wolf13]

I agree it is yourself you cannot trust. It would be so easy for me to move in with the person in my life now ( even before the divorce is done) but how does that effect a five year old if it does not work out. I sure as hell would not want to put my daughter through another break-up.

This is the reality for me........... I just had an incredible two days with my new girlfriend and neither of us had our kids. Well she just left to pick up her kids and what am I thinking about?? Not about the incredible weekend , but how much I miss my daughter who I won't see until Wed. Kids bring a whole different perspective to the situation. It is a weird feeling going to bed without your child in the house knowing they are the most important thing in your life and you have no idea what they are doing and there is f__ck all you can do about it. Maybe I am babbling but somedays it just feels like your head is going to blow off!!!

 

[twodogs]

trust

Hey it's good to see ya'll vent about the bad in your life, it's a start on the road to better times.
Some have been in a relation ship a long time ,and some a short time , does'nt mean a thing if you can not trust each other .
It's hard to trust people today, most of them all they want is what they want from you and give nothing in return.
Now for the one's who know me or remember me know i tell it like it is not what they want to here.
Time does not make it better in a bad relationship , beleve me i know been in one for 20 years thinking it would get better.
Now a old man and a stupid one all i can do is try to help others to not make the mistakes i did thinking it would get better.
I read the post and my heart goes out to ya'll , and don't waste your life away on a bad thing , go have fun , you only get to go through this old world one time ,so get all you can get out of it .
Well iv'e run my mouth enough so take care and have fun .

 

[NCguy]

sometime it's for the best

I was married for 11 years, and sometimes divorce isn't a bad thing.
We never really even had a marriage. It was more a friendship. I hope others aren't caught in the same trap.

 

[callableborg]

wolf 13

Don't let your head blow off buddy. Kids do make a world of diference, esp. if they are as young and vulnerable as yours.

You can only do the best you can do with what youv'e got. It's just that blunt and simple.

If your woman feels the same way about her kids as you feel about yours you have a bond that can move mountains. It's not about Jack and Jill and a cul-de-sac in suburbia anymore but an "arrangement" where you can both be true to yourselves and your kids but develop as lovers as well.

Strange new world.

 

[arkansasromeo]

Sexy Phone Sex Partners Wanted!

ALMOST divorced...any day now. We've been seperated for 9 mos. I've been having difficulty "letting her go". I left her. She was this wonderfully gifted person, albeit a bit manic, who succumbed to drug addiction over the last few years of our 14 year marriage. She basically became a shell of her former self. Therapy hasn't worked so I'm moving on.

To be honest, things have been pretty great overall. My 2 daughters and I have been living in peace! My biggest problem is the "lack of sex". My wife and I were incredible in bed together. She could fuck like a porn star. Sex with her is what I am having the most trouble letting go of!

I definitely agree new relationships need to wait - at least 12-18 mos. I've had sex a couple times during the past 9 mos but it was just not the same because there was no real relationship - just empty sex. I just wish I could have sex - without having to hurt anyone. Something needs to happen soon...I'm starting to develop involuntary humping motions like a dog!

I'm thinking PHONE SEX could be the answer. Are there any sexy, articulate( divorced or married) women who would like to have a phone sex partner? Someone to talk to, to fantasize with, to release sexual tensions from time to time? No strings or expectations. I think this could be a healthy way to recover from a divorce and it sure beats watching porn flicks or fantasizing alone to get off.

If interested please email me at arkansasromeo@hotmail.com. I'm very open to almost any form sexual expression (except the gross stuff!). Definitely very imaginative and I LOVE a woman who is educated and sexually confident. Hope to hear from you!

 

[Wolf13]

Thanks for that, I know what you are saying is good advice and words to live by. I will get there, I guess it just takes time and staying focused on what is important in the new "arrangement"

 

[Richard49]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Divorce and separation

I don't want to, believe me I don't. But just when I try to open my heart I get a good taste of why that's not safe. I think one reason I get these doses of reality is because I won't ever turn away someone I care about, no matter how it might hurt me in the long run.

It's not impossible to make a relationship work fresh out of an old one. It's also not impossible to make everyone around you think you have the perfect relationship. I've done it for 10 years. I could keep doing it for the rest of my life, if I so choose. That doesn't mean I had any business getting in the new relationship to begin with. In my case I wasn't in love, I was honest about that. He wanted to be with me anyway. So, I figured ok, at least I won't get my heartbroke. But I've found out that heartbreak comes in many forms...as does abuse. I don't have to be in love to be hurt. Nor do I have to be in love to be scared of the reprocussions of leaving. Balancing on a tightrope of survival doesn't leave a lot of room for trust. Know what I mean?

To start a new relationship
even if it is with the same person
you must first have clousure on the old one

 

[sortacurious]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Divorce and separation

To start a new relationship
even if it is with the same person
you must first have clousure on the old one

I agree with you.
I need to figure it all out. What I've been doing is not me at all...but neither is breaking promises. My situation is precarious...but I got myself into it, I'll figure a way out as well. I really respect your opinion, you know that. Any advise is always greatly appreciated!

 

[callableborg]

richard49/curious

Have never tried to re-start a relationship with anyone.

How would you define where you got closure with someone and where fresh horizons began?

Seems closure is clearer going from one person to another than it is with the same person.

 

[Richard49]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Divorce and separation

I agree with you.
I need to figure it all out. What I've been doing is not me at all...but neither is breaking promises. My situation is precarious...but I got myself into it, I'll figure a way out as well. I really respect your opinion, you know that. Any advise is always greatly appreciated!

A promise is precious and valuable
However it is made on certain conditins
if those conditions are not meet or change
you have the right to say to the person(s)
I can no longer keep my promise

 

[Richard49]

Re: richard49/curious

Have never tried to re-start a relationship with anyone.

How would you define where you got closure with someone and where fresh horizons began?

Seems closure is clearer going from one person to another than it is with the same person.

Lots of people do the
"person to person cure"
without ever having the clousure with the first person

 

[JBroadrunner]

Experiences

This is one of the most interesting threads that I have seen on Lit. MissTaken, you have begun another good one.
As for me, I am much older than most of you and can relate to a lot of the above problems and concerns. I have been married three times and the fourth was remarriage to the wife of my son.
We go through a lot of trials in our life and learn in many cases bitter lessons. Our choices have been bad or the circumstaces have been bad. I divorced my wife whom I was married to the longest because I went through a major bankruptsy and was looking for a way to put blinders on and forget it all. It did not work, but time healed a lot and I left the third wife who was a real bitch and returned Home. I remarried my wife and she now is a surviving cancer patient. I love her very much, but there can be no sexual relationship again. I would never leave again, but I was not faithful and I will continue to care for her and let my work take me over the void. Remember, what choices you make now can be fantastic or devastating depending on whether you make a right choice or a wrong one. Simply, stand back and assess all of the circumstances and then choose, and hope you have made the right one and don't have to look back.
JB