Discreet affairs are necessary for many marriages ?

[MissTaken]

This morning on the today show, an author was discussing her book "The 50 Mile Rule."

Essentially, the book advocates for people who are married to pursue affairs. She even has rules and guidelines for discretion and guidelines to help the player to avoid guilt.

Needless to say, the discussion was rather heated. However, one of the many points she made was this.

Marriages are often built on a strictly chemical reaction, love. Oftentimes, people enter into marriage with blinders on and then, find themselves longing for the pieces that are missing in the relationship.

She stated that seeking sexual fulfillment or emotional support outside the marriage should be acceptable when it is a missing component to an otherwise healthy relationship. She also stated that the healthiest way to do this is to compartmentalize the relationships.

I have very mixed feelings on the topic, but thought it was worthy of discussion.

The source of her research was primarily internet players who have successfully engaged in extramarital affairs.

 

[cutie pie]

I have mixed feelings as well. I understand the logic behind her theory, but not everybody can successfully maintain two relationships for an indefinite period of time. Nor can everyone compartmentalize relationships. I know that I cannot do that.

Is she suggesting that the married couple be open about their "other" relationships?

 

[svenmn]

Here is my 2 cents worth.

for some this is okay but feel that open comunication is better.
I know that my wife has boyfriend in fact he is my best friend I know that it is just a little playing and no intercourse which is fine because she balls the hell out of me when she gets home.

 

[SINthysist]

Those people shouldn't get married.

They should take out some sort of partnership contract...

 

[SilverVeil]

If a couple agree to have an open marriage ( which in this case I don't think that is what they are talking about here ) then having an affair would be within reason.
Why cheat on him/her ? Someone who loves and trusts you ? Destroying that trust should be unthinkable to a person. But now days it seems as if people do not take marriage vows seriously. In the words of a song I heard " They say I do, then sign I don't "

When we are married, to me that means I have chosen this man to share everything in my life with. My heart, my body, my love. Sharing my body with someone else is not a part of this equation. Part of the traditional vows were
( if I recall correctly ) " Forsaking all others " meaning to me, that having an affair would be breaking those vows.

This is not something I could do. Knowing if he found out, it would destroy him and everything we have together. And I do know this to be true. It would destroy him. I could not marry someone with the thought of having an affair on them.

But this is just me.

 

[MissTaken]

I have mixed feelings as well. I understand the logic behind her theory, but not everybody can successfully maintain two relationships for an indefinite period of time. Nor can everyone compartmentalize relationships. I know that I cannot do that.

Is she suggesting that the married couple be open about their "other" relationships?

Actually, that was what bothered me most. She instructs concerning how to keep the affair discreet and guiltless.

I believe in communication.
When two people agree that their marriage has a void or two and that one or both can pursue outside interests, it can be done in a very healthy manner, reinforcing the marriage itself.

Secrets suck!

And sven! Thanks!

I think that is what I am talking about.

 

[juicylips]

Just stopping in to say Hi to MissT

This is a great thread. I've always been a firm believer in compartmentalizing your emotions. I have better control when I mentally (not emotionally) decide what/who I want.

Yes, I've stumbled a time or two. Usually because I didn't heed certain warning signs I posted. But..I live and learn.

JL

 

[Gord]

" discrete affairs "

Sorry but I dont think that it is possible if you have a real relationship with your partner.

We talk all the time on the phone on mobiles every day just catching up - what you up to - even for a minute that sort of thing just keeping in touch througfh the day-

If I started an affair I think my g/f would suss me in about a week.

Deception does not work imho

If you give your partner leeway to play away occassionaly but discretely then that is another matter

 

[lovetoread]

Its not a marriage anymore if you fuck another.

That is just my opinion of course.

 

[Gord]

Its not a marriage anymore if you fuck another.

That is just my opinion of course.

For sure - found out the hard way myself - you fuck another - both parties then you are just treading water till it dies

 

[RawHumor]

A marriage is not just about feeling all fuzzy and getting goosebumps on a daily basis. It's a contract and a commitment to try to make your relationship work. How can you do that when you're dividing your emotional (and sexual) energy among more than one person?

 

[PepperminTrish]

No, I don't think having discreet affairs will help a marriage and I'm personally unable to compartmentalize my emotions, etc. I learned this the hard way.

Great thread Miss Taken and I'll be following it to see what everyone else has to say.

 

[svenmn]

Its not a marriage anymore if you fuck another.

That is just my opinion of course.

my wife and i have very close relationship we have been together for 20 years and yes but there is a bond between us that nothing will break, but at times like during tax season I get to be a bear to live and comunicate with her friend helps her over the humps of these periods. it's not the fucking that kills the marriage it's communication that kills it.

 

[juicylips]

Ok. I'm beginning to feel I've missed the fucking point of this thread.

I hope you still love me anyway, MissT.

JL

 

[PepperminTrish]

Ok. I'm beginning to feel I've missed the fucking point of this thread.

I hope you still love me anyway, MissT.

JL

I think I always miss the point of most threads JL.

 

[juicylips]

I think I always miss the point of most threads JL.

Bullshit.

JL

 

[sunstruck]

A marriage is not just about feeling all fuzzy and getting goosebumps on a daily basis. It's a contract and a commitment to try to make your relationship work. How can you do that when you're dividing your emotional (and sexual) energy among more than one person?

Agreed. Especially if it's something you have to hide. Your spouse should be the one person you never have to lie to.

She sounds like someone trying to alleviate their own guilt by making it "ok" to cheat. It's not. It's never going to be.

 

[cutie pie]

I have a real problem with the secrecy issue. It totally kills the trust in the "committed relationship".

I guess I'm having a difficult time believing that a "professional" would condone secrecy and infidelity as a solution to saving/maintaining a seemingly healthy relationship. It doesn't add up.

 

[lovetoread]

my wife and i have very close relationship we have been together for 20 years and yes but there is a bond between us that nothing will break, but at times like during tax season I get to be a bear to live and comunicate with her friend helps her over the humps of these periods. it's not the fucking that kills the marriage it's communication that kills it.

How does this help?

I mean the whole point of a marriage is to be there in the times of happines and the rough times.

If it were I,during tax season you may be in another bedroom,but I wouldnt mess around,ya know?

Sex is very good for getting the stress out.

Forgive me if I sound too blunt. I am on meds and seem to have lost my ability to be subtle.

 

[svenmn]

How does this help?

I mean the whole point of a marriage is to be there in the times of happines and the rough times.

If it were I,during tax season you may be in another bedroom,but I wouldnt mess around,ya know?

Sex is very good for getting the stress out.

Forgive me if I sound too blunt. I am on meds and seem to have lost my ability to be subtle.

ltr, all okay think missed first post i did, during tax season i do not have time for wining and dining her or even for that matter quite time and when i get home she's all rarin to go. they do not have intercourse

know all about sex as stress releif

never can be to blunt i love blunt call me asshole love it even better.

 

[Calamity Jane]

I don't know that I agree that an affair could ultimately be good for a marriage, though if it makes one partner feel more fulfilled, and they're therefore happier, I can see them being happier within the marriage too.

As far as compartmentalizing your emotions... for some people, it's just not possible. For others, it comes so completely naturally that they don't even realize they're doing it. I compartmentalize very very easily.

 

[cymbidia]

A marriage is not just about feeling all fuzzy and getting goosebumps on a daily basis. It's a contract and a commitment to try to make your relationship work. How can you do that when you're dividing your emotional (and sexual) energy among more than one person?

A marriage is what those involved make of it.

A marriage can be all warm and fuzzy - or not.
It can be romantic and filled with declarations of undying love - or not.
It can be imbued with expectations of monogamy - or not.

It used to be a thing one did to cement political alliances or increase family fortunes. Only recently in the scheme of marriage as a social institution have we romanticized and idealized the thing to the extent that we're all now, effectively, Romeo or Juliet and looking for our Forever Great Love via the avenue of marriage.

Like all social contracts, the definition of what "marriage" means varies over time and throughout cultures.

For you, it may be currently inconceivable to ~gasp~ think of your dearly beloved as ever wanting or needing to touch another person sexually. It may well be that you and that person go through your forever arm-in-arm. I wish that for you if it's what you want.

The world is an increasingly complex place. It's become small, so small, with the advent of the net. With the net, it has become so easy to reach out to places and people one would never have had the ability to touch at all just 20 years ago. Gone are the days when one lived on the family farm with one's mate and went into town once a month for supplies. Gone are the days when you could only know what was contained within the archives of your local library.

Today the world is complex. It moves fast. There are temptations to the senses everywhere. People are relatively more sophisticated then they were a few years ago. One can go do see taste want feel know experience wish anything one can imagine - online. In seconds.

There is a thread here this morning called Some things just don't work in cyber-land. Are all there "happily married" people in that thread joking about cybersex? Oh yeh. Is cybersex "having an affair"? What about if you only do it with people you don't really know or you only did it that one time or you never do it more then five times? How about phone sex? Is that "having an affair"?

Times change.

Definitions change, both for "monogamy" and "cheating" and everything in between.

What doesn't change is telling the truth if telling the truth is important in your marriage. "Telling the truth" carries with it the necessity to be clear; merely mumbling words about your cybersex adventure this afternoon when your partner is 3/4 of the way asleep may not be "telling the truth". honesty is a spiritual matter, not a thing of vocal chords and air.

In the end, it's about what lies between you and your partner.

That's all.

No one can make any decisions for you regarding monogamy, emotional, physical or philosophical.

No one can accept the consequences for you, either, if you fuck up.

 

[gotdatmony]

She stated that seeking sexual fulfillment or emotional support outside the marriage should be acceptable when it is a missing component to an otherwise healthy relationship.



I WANT ONE!!!

 

[svenmn]

A marriage is what those involved make of it.

A marriage can be all warm and fuzzy - or not.
It can be romantic and filled with declarations of undying love - or not.
It can be imbued with expectations of monogamy - or not.

It used to be a thing one did to cement political alliances or increase family fortunes. Only recently in the scheme of marriage as a social institution have we romanticized and idealized the thing to the extent that we're all now, effectively, Romeo or Juliet and looking for our Forever Great Love via the avenue of marriage.

Like all social contracts, the definition of what "marriage" means varies over time and throughout cultures.

For you, it may be currently inconceivable to ~gasp~ think of your dearly beloved as ever wanting or needing to touch another person sexually. It may well be that you and that person go through your forever arm-in-arm. I wish that for you if it's what you want.

The world is an increasingly complex place. It's become small, so small, with the advent of the net. With the net, it has become so easy to reach out to places and people one would never have had the ability to touch at all just 20 years ago. Gone are the days when one lived on the family farm with one's mate and went into town once a month for supplies. Gone are the days when you could only know what was contained within the archives of your local library.

Today the world is complex. It moves fast. There are temptations to the senses everywhere. People are relatively more sophisticated then they were a few years ago. One can go do see taste want feel know experience wish anything one can imagine - online. In seconds.

There is a thread here this morning called Some things just don't work in cyber-land. Are all there "happily married" people in that thread joking about cybersex? Oh yeh. Is cybersex "having an affair"? What about if you only do it with people you don't really know or you only did it that one time or you never do it more then five times? How about phone sex? Is that "having an affair"?

Times change.

Definitions change, both for "monogamy" and "cheating" and everything in between.

What doesn't change is telling the truth if telling the truth is important in your marriage. "Telling the truth" carries with it the necessity to be clear; merely mumbling words about your cybersex adventure this afternoon when your partner is 3/4 of the way asleep may not be "telling the truth". honesty is a spiritual matter, not a thing of vocal chords and air.

In the end, it's about what lies between you and your partner.

That's all.

No one can make any decisions for you regarding monogamy, emotional, physical or philosophical.

No one can accept the consequences for you, either, if you fuck up.

so very true

 

[bored1]

As a reformed serial adulterer, I dont believe secret affairs are healthy for anyone involved. Hiding something of this magnitude from your spouse is the ultimate betrayal. Being attracted to someone else while married is normal....acting on that attraction is a recipe for disaster.