Depression

[none2_none2]

...If I have a point here in bothering you with all this, it's that I believe anyone can have suicidal thoughts. I had a conversation with a young man once who seemed so self-assured, seeking advice for his future and talking about the beautiful things in his life. Less than a year later, he lay dead at his own hand. The sadness of that affected me greatly, and I cannot bear the thought of bringing that sadness to others. I think suicidal thoughts are quite common, but become truly dangerous when one believes their own death will benefit others; when one perceives their hopelessness to reach forever, or at least for longer than they're willing to endure.

I realize this thread was started to offer a forum to discuss clinical depression. I hope you'll indulge my use of it to address my own acute issue with sadness.

I think your right that anybody can have these thoughts. I have too. However, I could never commit suicide. I think your reasons are good ones. I would add that I knew situations where the suicide sounds like anger more than depression. My youngest sister told me how her father-in-law shot himself right in front of his wife. When I think of what that poor old woman went through, I think someone should have grabbed the gun, and tortured him. Of all the mean things to do. Even if she was the meanest spouse one could have imagined, she didn't deserve what he did. (FYI: He had done other mean things. I was told that at one point he got pissed and stopped talking to her for a couple of years.)

FYI, I had a f-buddy who bought a gun. He claimed it was for his job, but though he was a prison guard at the time, I know that they don't have to buy arms. He liked sucking on the barrell like some phalus symbol. However, I felt that deep down in side he wasn't doing it for erotic purposes nor for a laugh. He never shot himself, but he did spiral downhill via heavy drinking and wreckless sex. Why? I'll never really understand. It had been going on for years and you could never have a serious conversation with him. He was too happy go lucky with his booze and all the cock he could get. I used to think that I envied people that could be wild about sex with no guilt. I had guilt (which by the way had nothing to do with fire and brimstone). I just wanted it to have more meaning than just an orgasm. For so many men (especially gay men) it gets down to being so casual like two people plaing raquetball.

While this guy was like the wild frat guy (of couse he was in his 50's), he wasn't nearly as happy as you might think. I would get little glimpses. I remember when he talked about his son (He was kind of estranged from his ex-wife and kids.) I asked him if he ever wondered if gayness was genetic if he passed it on. He said no way because his son was a "real boy". I could detect his own self-loathing about his gayness. Years later his kids found him dead in his apartment. The last few years he had gone from Salvation Army to even some prison time. This from a man who once ran a small town bank.

 

[Annisthyrienne]

This thread contains so many good things and so many supportive people that I thought a ray of sunshine should be offered.

My first eval shows that I am Bipolar II. Because I am no longer deep in darkness (for the most part because of the encouragement of my friends on LIT and in the RW) I was not admitted to the hospital...I go back to meet with Intake tomorrow morning and try to set up a course of action.

I wanted to thank everyone who came to offer advice, discussion, help, support. I am hoping that this thread becomes a place for others to gain the support they need, like it was for me. I do plan on keeping this alive, because any sort of darkness can only be banished when we shine a bright light upon it.

The people who have come here and shared their strengths with me are my light...I hope that one day, I can be someone else's.

Thanks guys.

This is such good news, Luna! I am so happy for you. And you are a light for someone, just by making this thread so we can have these conversations. Even people who will read but not post are most likely being helped by this.

*Big hugs!*

 

[erika39]

This is such good news, Luna! I am so happy for you. And you are a light for someone, just by making this thread so we can have these conversations. Even people who will read but not post are most likely being helped by this.

*Big hugs!*

I do not know if I will ever share more, but, I am being helped by this. The courage and strength it takes for all of you to talk about, much less share your stories, gives me hope maybe one day i will not have the guilt and shame i have to even admit where i am at and what my struggles are.
Thank you Luna for your strength and courage to begin this thread. Thank you all who have shared. I hope I have posted this correctly.

 

[richfun]

Thank-you for posting this. I suffer from a stress related illness on the edge of depression.

I do not want to repeat other people's comments, but I am totally with and in support of you. Remember you are a brave and perceptive person to start the thread and written what you have.

Love,

Rich.

 

[Corbal]

Another thought~if anyone knows good, reputable, GLBT friendly psychologists, therapists or programs..please leave a note. Sometimes the hardest step is connecting with someone who understands the specific needs of those living an alternative lifestyle. Even if no one ever says thank you~a recommendation could be the thing that stops a suicide attempt or ushers someone toward the help they need.

Thank you.

Offering a hug for you, love.

 

[BiBunny]

This thread contains so many good things and so many supportive people that I thought a ray of sunshine should be offered.

My first eval shows that I am Bipolar II. Because I am no longer deep in darkness (for the most part because of the encouragement of my friends on LIT and in the RW) I was not admitted to the hospital...I go back to meet with Intake tomorrow morning and try to set up a course of action.

I wanted to thank everyone who came to offer advice, discussion, help, support. I am hoping that this thread becomes a place for others to gain the support they need, like it was for me. I do plan on keeping this alive, because any sort of darkness can only be banished when we shine a bright light upon it.

The people who have come here and shared their strengths with me are my light...I hope that one day, I can be someone else's.

Thanks guys.

*Hugs the Luna*

After years of struggling with being absolutely batshit and all the various ways it was ruining my life, I was finally diagnosed as bipolar I several months ago. I spent years thinking I could control my own behavior, that people were right when they said I was just lazy or mean or undisciplined or whatever. I thought if I only tried harder, I could stop acting "that way."

That line of thinking kept me from getting help for YEARS. I was put on meds first, and then once I was stable enough that therapy might actually help, I started that as well. I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

I *highly* recommend meds for ANY type of bipolar illness. It's not something you want to play with.

If you need anybody to talk to ever, my PM box is always open.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

This is such good news, Luna! I am so happy for you. And you are a light for someone, just by making this thread so we can have these conversations. Even people who will read but not post are most likely being helped by this.

*Big hugs!*

Hello my Blessing!! *blows kiss* I admit the news has helped in more ways than one but will update when i finish greeting.

I do not know if I will ever share more, but, I am being helped by this. The courage and strength it takes for all of you to talk about, much less share your stories, gives me hope maybe one day i will not have the guilt and shame i have to even admit where i am at and what my struggles are.
Thank you Luna for your strength and courage to begin this thread. Thank you all who have shared. I hope I have posted this correctly.

Welcome erika. The fact that you are reading and learning makes me happy. Whether you ever choose to share or not, I hope that you will join me and others from time to time, just for the support.

Thank-you for posting this. I suffer from a stress related illness on the edge of depression.

I do not want to repeat other people's comments, but I am totally with and in support of you. Remember you are a brave and perceptive person to start the thread and written what you have.

Love,

Rich.

Thanks Rich for dropping by and for saying such supportive words. They mean loads when someone is down.

*Hugs the Luna*

After years of struggling with being absolutely batshit and all the various ways it was ruining my life, I was finally diagnosed as bipolar I several months ago. I spent years thinking I could control my own behavior, that people were right when they said I was just lazy or mean or undisciplined or whatever. I thought if I only tried harder, I could stop acting "that way."

That line of thinking kept me from getting help for YEARS. I was put on meds first, and then once I was stable enough that therapy might actually help, I started that as well. I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

I *highly* recommend meds for ANY type of bipolar illness. It's not something you want to play with.

If you need anybody to talk to ever, my PM box is always open.

BB!!
Thank you for stopping in and talking. I feel a little odd as I have never considered myself bipolar...not really. My manic phases are closer to the norm than full out mania (cept for irritability and insomnia) and I never thought that they could have misdiagnosed me.

The med thing terrifies me...because they are pills I haven't ever heard of. For now though, I am making changes in my diet and adding different TYPES of exercise to my regiment. I have my first full on talk session (with the GLBT therapist I discovered thanks to Amy's link at the beginning of this thread) scheduled for a little more than a month from now and have set up group strategy until I can get with someone safe.

*nods*

All in all, I have made quite a few strides in a short time and because I have done so, most of the bleakness has seeped away. For that I am profoundly grateful.

As a side note~Did y'all know changes in diet (the types of foods you limit or avoid altogether) can affect your mood? There are foods that provide a natural lift and foods that do the opposite. I have a list of things I should be incorporating and a very small list of things I should be avoiding. Caffiene tops the second list...which sucks as I am an addict. Coffee, cocoa, chocolate, energy drinks...I have to cut way back on ALL of them...*sighs*

I was running around webMD and discovered this after the intake clinician gave me her list based on my health, weight, and eating habits...check it out...may help, definitely won't hurt.

 

[none2_none2]

This thread contains so many good things and so many supportive people that I thought a ray of sunshine should be offered.

My first eval shows that I am Bipolar II. Because I am no longer deep in darkness (for the most part because of the encouragement of my friends on LIT and in the RW) I was not admitted to the hospital...I go back to meet with Intake tomorrow morning and try to set up a course of action.

I wanted to thank everyone who came to offer advice, discussion, help, support. I am hoping that this thread becomes a place for others to gain the support they need, like it was for me. I do plan on keeping this alive, because any sort of darkness can only be banished when we shine a bright light upon it.

The people who have come here and shared their strengths with me are my light...I hope that one day, I can be someone else's.

Thanks guys.

Luna, Congrats on getting the help you need! FYI, I never had heard of the term you used, but I got the 5 minute college degree from wiki:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_II_disorder

I cannot do a disseration on it, but at least I have an idea.


Your mention of getting the medical care you need made me want to mention something that isn't affecting me, but rather my mother. I think it is important for those who may have mental illness in older relatives that they may one day have to be responsible for.

1) My mother has lived most of her life not working due to her illness. She was functional up to her mid-30's. After that she never worked -- mainly she sat in bed. Anyway, her first instituational time was 1970 -- way before computers were the mainstay of medical records. Her last time would have been the early to mid 80's.

Anyway, I swear I have always heard the term "manic/depression" and bipolar for her issues. Well lay people (meaning health care, but not mental health care workers) are seeing some of her behaviors (ie talking to her self, or sometimes repeating herself multiple times) and thinking she is skitsophrenic. I want her to get the help she needs, but I fear that they will disregard what was investigated way back when. I gave myself a little wiki education on Schizophrenia and I could see why some might think that. However, my best feature is my memory, and I KNOW I would have remembered if I had heard her diagnosed with that. My grandma would have discussed that with her. Nobody has been diagnosed with that in the family, but bipolar runs in the family big time. Anyway, I hope she gets whatever help she needs, and not some misdiagnosis by a non-psychiatric medical worker.

2) Concerns about mis-diagnosis brings up another concern. Because my mother hasn't worked in decades, she has little SS. For years she got SSI. Once she turned 65, the medical people she worked with set her up wtih Medicare. (She also has state Medicaid.) What I didn't know is she wasn't signed up for Medicare part A (hospital insurance). I wasn't involved, so I don't know what that is about. Anyway, she is showing signs of dementia, and there are some state facilities that are good with working with dementia and mental illness. However, they take Medicare part A -- not Medicaid. There are some places that do take Medicaid, but from what I understand they don't deal with BOTH dementia and regula mental illness.


I simply bring this up to make sure you are aware of some of the hurdles from the standpoint of getting treatment. This is especially important if you a senior or am (or will be someday) responsible for a mentally challenged senior. (Personally, I don't understand how a place can take one kind of government insurance but not the other. I cannot belive that mother is the only person who a family has managed for decades and thus may not have all the typical insurances that a regular working person who retires ends up with.) So be forwarned. Know your insurance, know the insurance of anybody that you are or might someday be responsible for.

For myself in regards to my mother's insurance, I'm not stressing over it (YET), but I am concerned that she may have to get the wrong kind of help. Note, I should point out that this is not about long term hospitalization, but rather a two week evaluation as to what level of care she needs (ie can she stay at home if she gets more in home care, does she need assisted living, does she need a nursing home, does she need a nursing home specializing in mental illness, etc).

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Good morning none2~

I had to deal with some of what you are talking about with my own mother, as I was her home health care person and her medical liason(sp?) before she passed away in 2004. I never gave much thought to the coverage because what she needed (home health care, physical therapy, mental health therapy, in home doctors visits) was covered by her insurance.

However it does pay to KNOW these things, especially in the case of someone having to deal with it themselves. Thanks for the info and the congratulations. I know a good portion of my actions happened because of my family and friends, in the RW and here and I don't think I would have moved so quickly had i not known something was wrong for so long.

*shrugs*

The misdiagnosis is understandable, at least from my point of view as bipolar 2 isn't really much different in manifesting as clinical depression, especially when mania isn't evident. However, if you have heard that term long ago, you should bring it up to your mom's first physician so they don't go off cold cocked and start treating her for something she does not have.

 

[erika39]

Hello my Blessing!! *blows kiss* I admit the news has helped in more ways than one but will update when i finish greeting.



"Welcome erika. The fact that you are reading and learning makes me happy. Whether you ever choose to share or not, I hope that you will join me and others from time to time, just for the support."


All in all, I have made quite a few strides in a short time and because I have done so, most of the bleakness has seeped away. For that I am profoundly grateful.

As a side note~Did y'all know changes in diet (the types of foods you limit or avoid altogether) can affect your mood? There are foods that provide a natural lift and foods that do the opposite. I have a list of things I should be incorporating and a very small list of things I should be avoiding. Caffiene tops the second list...which sucks as I am an addict. Coffee, cocoa, chocolate, energy drinks...I have to cut way back on ALL of them...*sighs*

I was running around webMD and discovered this after the intake clinician gave me her list based on my health, weight, and eating habits...check it out...may help, definitely won't hurt.

Thank you for your kind words Luna. Where do you get your courage? How do you find the strength to be so open, so free to be honest with yourself and not only yourself but have the guts to open up to others? Sometimes I think the guilt and shame I have is killing me faster and harder than any illness ever could...it is robbing me of living life period.....i find myself merely existing...

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Thank you for your kind words Luna. Where do you get your courage? How do you find the strength to be so open, so free to be honest with yourself and not only yourself but have the guts to open up to others? Sometimes I think the guilt and shame I have is killing me faster and harder than any illness ever could...it is robbing me of living life period.....i find myself merely existing...

It is NOT courage, not really. It is the simple fact of being far too stubborn to give in and searching for ANY reason to keep going. Usually, my babies give me that, my friends give me that. On the rare occasion when they are not enough~I go looking for help, for answers, for SOMETHING.

Everyone deals with the twin dangers of guilt and shame, at one point or another. The first 14 years of my life were an ode to those words...and in some respects i am still learning to let those things go. It is a process. One that I have been through, over and over again.

To merely exist is sometimes the best you can do but there is hope. There ARE answers. The hardest step (for me) is admitting that i need help....once that is done, the next thing is getting the will to GET that help. Those two steps are the hardest, the highest hurdles, the worst. NOTHING else will ever equal that.

You just have to want to get the help your mind, your body, your HEART needs...and then try to make it happen in the quickest way possible. It can be done. I have doing it~alone and with help for over 20 years. There is hope.

 

[BiBunny]

Good morning none2~

I had to deal with some of what you are talking about with my own mother, as I was her home health care person and her medical liason(sp?) before she passed away in 2004. I never gave much thought to the coverage because what she needed (home health care, physical therapy, mental health therapy, in home doctors visits) was covered by her insurance.

However it does pay to KNOW these things, especially in the case of someone having to deal with it themselves. Thanks for the info and the congratulations. I know a good portion of my actions happened because of my family and friends, in the RW and here and I don't think I would have moved so quickly had i not known something was wrong for so long.

*shrugs*

The misdiagnosis is understandable, at least from my point of view as bipolar 2 isn't really much different in manifesting as clinical depression, especially when mania isn't evident. However, if you have heard that term long ago, you should bring it up to your mom's first physician so they don't go off cold cocked and start treating her for something she does not have.

Agreed.

Symptoms of Bipolar 1 can mimic symptoms of schizophrenia. During acute manic phases (or even sometimes depressive phases, but it's less common), it's not unusual to detect psychotic symptoms like delusions, hallucinations, etc. I thank God every day that I don't hallucinate, LOL.

The difference between bipolar and schizophrenia is that psychosis only occurs during mood episodes in bipolar. In schizophrenia, psychosis can occur at any time. Also, in schizophrenia, you usually don't have "mood episodes." If a person has mood episodes and psychosis outside of his/her mood episodes, then he/she should be diagnosed as schizoaffective.

But in some ways, the differences are very subtle, and the misdiagnosis, while shitty, is understandable. I really hope you can get a correct diagnosis and, therefore, the right treatment for your mother, None2.

 

[BiBunny]

Oh, by the way, Luna, if you wanna talk meds, I'm both crazy and a psych degree holder, LOL. I can give you some links to some good places to learn about them.

 

[Nina327]

Oh, by the way, Luna, if you wanna talk media'm both crazy and a psych degree holder, LOL. I can give you some links to some good places to learn about them.

*pokin in here*

If you wouldn't mind sharing with me to I'd be extremely appreciative.
My docs are discussing several meds and the more informed I am the better I feel about med choices and options.

 

[the_apocalypse]

Hello all

I hope you don't mind me dropping by.

I have been suffering with depression since my teen years, that was when I first cut myself, My body is riddled with scars, and ever since I have been on and off various meds. So far they have given me Prozac, Amitriptyline and currently I am on 40mg Citalopram a day. I have followed this thread since Luna fiirst posted it but have been to afraid to say anything until now for fear of what other members of this site would think, but seeing so many of you all being brave enough to speak out I thought I should as well, instead of just lurking

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

*pokin in here*

If you wouldn't mind sharing with me to I'd be extremely appreciative.
My docs are discussing several meds and the more informed I am the better I feel about med choices and options.

Best bet~Ninaling~

Send BB a PM...she's really awesome about being helpful and smart as all hell. (Plus I wanna do her....)

Hello all

I hope you don't mind me dropping by.

I have been suffering with depression since my teen years, that was when I first cut myself, My body is riddled with scars, and ever since I have been on and off various meds. So far they have given me Prozac, Amitriptyline and currently I am on 40mg Citalopram a day. I have followed this thread since Luna fiirst posted it but have been to afraid to say anything until now for fear of what other members of this site would think, but seeing so many of you all being brave enough to speak out I thought I should as well, instead of just lurking

Thank you for stopping by. I wanted this thread to be a haven, where no judgement is allowed. We all deal with things, we all have problems. This thread is meant to support, not denigrate or put down. The fact that you swallowed your fear and said hello~means it's working.

Welcome to the discussion.

 

[the_apocalypse]

Best bet~Ninaling~

Send BB a PM...she's really awesome about being helpful and smart as all hell. (Plus I wanna do her....)



Thank you for stopping by. I wanted this thread to be a haven, where no judgement is allowed. We all deal with things, we all have problems. This thread is meant to support, not denigrate or put down. The fact that you swallowed your fear and said hello~means it's working.

Welcome to the discussion.

Thank you for the welcome and for starting this thread about a topic too many people are afraid of

 

[Nina327]

Best bet~Ninaling~

Send BB a PM...she's really awesome about being helpful and smart as all hell. (Plus I wanna do her....)

-grins-
Girly girl already PM'd me! woot!

hehe... yea.. when you keep visioning driving off the main highway into a stand of pine trees at 90mph.. its time to try meds again.. Though... through circumstances they are going to have to convince me the meds they want me on are the right ones. Been there, done that before... Really really hate when the doc goes "here try this and see what happens"... FUCK... mutant-crying-exploding-wolverine..... yea no thanks... Going from stone numb to crying bouncing your head off the wall for 101 reasons all at once... nope no thanks..

Also.. dealing with docs.. trying to get them to understand that my personality isnt all happy bubblie skipping cheerlearerish. and I'm not trying to be the all round version of normal.. I just want a will to live beyond looking forward to the sun going down every day.

LMAO.. put on top of that... divorce, custody, dating and disability... my head just explodes....

ok... done venting in this sporadic confetti puked blah fest...

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

I think it's great that you started this thread. Depression is something a lot of people are afraid to admit to. I know that there are very few people I usually feel comfortable admitting my struggle to.
I have suffered from depression since I was a child but my family was too ashamed or oblivious to notice. I was 12 the first time I attempted suicide and 15 the second time. I was an adult before I realized what was going on with me. Losing my temper with my 4 year old son and finding myself thinking of harming the people I loved for no reason at all is what it took to get me to ask for help. It was such a relief to have a doctor tell me that I wasn't crazy and actually try to help me. I was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance and have been controlling my symptoms with medicine for the past six years. I can tell now when I need to have them adjusted and am thankful that I finally understand that I am not crazy and I am not horrible.
Once when I was having a rough period with the depression but everything in my life was going well I went to my doctor and broke down in tears. I couldn't understand what was happening and he just smiled and said something that has stuck with me since then. "Unfortunately our brains don't check with the rest of our life to see how things are going." When things get really bad and I'm beating myself up or blaming myself for this struggle, I try to remember that. It always makes me smile.

Thank you Luna for starting this thread and showing everyone that people really do care.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Thank you for the welcome and for starting this thread about a topic too many people are afraid of

I started it for me. You know? Because I was getting darker and darker and couldn't fake my responses, not in the RW, not here. So I figured why not open up and let others help me until I could help myself? By and large, they did so...and I am so friggin grateful that I don't even have words.

-grins-
Girly girl already PM'd me! woot!

hehe... yea.. when you keep visioning driving off the main highway into a stand of pine trees at 90mph.. its time to try meds again.. Though... through circumstances they are going to have to convince me the meds they want me on are the right ones. Been there, done that before... Really really hate when the doc goes "here try this and see what happens"... FUCK... mutant-crying-exploding-wolverine..... yea no thanks... Going from stone numb to crying bouncing your head off the wall for 101 reasons all at once... nope no thanks..

Also.. dealing with docs.. trying to get them to understand that my personality isnt all happy bubblie skipping cheerlearerish. and I'm not trying to be the all round version of normal.. I just want a will to live beyond looking forward to the sun going down every day.

LMAO.. put on top of that... divorce, custody, dating and disability... my head just explodes....

ok... done venting in this sporadic confetti puked blah fest...

Ninaling~*gives you a lolly*

I think what worries me is that the next therapist won't see it. I don't have mania, not really. I just go up (irritated, can't sleep, work, work, work) normal (blah) depressed (kill you, kill me, shoot the world, blow things up...fuck you are you looking at me???? I will beat you!!!) then normal(blah) depressed (as above)...then every once in a while...that old up again....with no normal...straight to...down....

I am terrifed that I won't be able to explain it when I finally DO get to see the therapist I chose for myself. And really worried that they will try to put me on pills that make me into a zombie. I have babies. I don't WANT to be a zombie. I am a Daddi, dammit!

*sighs* Mostly, I am scared of having to make so many changes in the way I relate to myself. Being down is bad enough but now I have to watch the ups too, Sucks. And my normal is sooo NOT normal by most standards. I am not flirty, really. Not talkative. I am quiet, reserved, a bit of a bitch, exceedingly professional and a wee bit cold to those I don't know. Not what most call happy go lucky. I don't want to lose ME.

I think it's great that you started this thread. Depression is something a lot of people are afraid to admit to. I know that there are very few people I usually feel comfortable admitting my struggle to.
I have suffered from depression since I was a child but my family was too ashamed or oblivious to notice. I was 12 the first time I attempted suicide and 15 the second time. I was an adult before I realized what was going on with me. Losing my temper with my 4 year old son and finding myself thinking of harming the people I loved for no reason at all is what it took to get me to ask for help. It was such a relief to have a doctor tell me that I wasn't crazy and actually try to help me. I was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance and have been controlling my symptoms with medicine for the past six years. I can tell now when I need to have them adjusted and am thankful that I finally understand that I am not crazy and I am not horrible.
Once when I was having a rough period with the depression but everything in my life was going well I went to my doctor and broke down in tears. I couldn't understand what was happening and he just smiled and said something that has stuck with me since then. "Unfortunately our brains don't check with the rest of our life to see how things are going." When things get really bad and I'm beating myself up or blaming myself for this struggle, I try to remember that. It always makes me smile.

Thank you Luna for starting this thread and showing everyone that people really do care.

Thank you for dropping in and letting us know about you. It seems to me that depression, bi-polar, hell just about any illness (anxiety attacks, schizo tendencies) that affects the brain, inately changes how we relate to others and what we HEAR. I just wanted to start something where there was nothing but good words and helpful advice offered. And yeah, a space where being scared is allowed. *shrugs* I am terrified and I don't like it.

It is good to know that I am not alone, that WE are not alone. Since that is the case, this thread has done what I wanted when I first started searching for help.

 

[Nina327]

Ninaling~*gives you a lolly*

I think what worries me is that the next therapist won't see it. I don't have mania, not really. I just go up (irritated, can't sleep, work, work, work) normal (blah) depressed (kill you, kill me, shoot the world, blow things up...fuck you are you looking at me???? I will beat you!!!) then normal(blah) depressed (as above)...then every once in a while...that old up again....with no normal...straight to...down....

I am terrifed that I won't be able to explain it when I finally DO get to see the therapist I chose for myself. And really worried that they will try to put me on pills that make me into a zombie. I have babies. I don't WANT to be a zombie. I am a Daddi, dammit!

*sighs* Mostly, I am scared of having to make so many changes in the way I relate to myself. Being down is bad enough but now I have to watch the ups too, Sucks. And my normal is sooo NOT normal by most standards. I am not flirty, really. Not talkative. I am quiet, reserved, a bit of a bitch, exceedingly professional and a wee bit cold to those I don't know. Not what most call happy go lucky. I don't want to lose ME.

*licks*

Exactly.. I don't want to lose me. My normal me is snarky, short, focused, blunt and deadballs determined... when I fall into the depressive state I doubt everything I'm doing and get codependant, skittish and explode on everyone.

I also have a completly warped sense of humor and I like it. I sooo dont want meds that change my head and make me laugh at the same stupid things that I laughed at when i used to get high as a kite!

And yea... I have kids too, both with medical conditions. I cant take someting thats going to make me a zombie or sleep 20 hours a day.

My current worry is that the therapist right now wont see all thats going on. I just got out of a major depressive episode and kinda standing on the edge. I could fall back or move forward and I just hope she can help me move forward or fucking catch me. I have no idea which it will be once she really gets to know me.. but... thats where trust issues come into play, ya know.

So.. seeing someone.. that I see as another strong woman open up about this topic.. I feel a little better about going.. "hey, me too."

 

[BiBunny]

My meds haven't changed my personality, thank God. But they have quieted my social anxiety a little, calmed the paranoia a lot, squashed the delusions, and for the most part, put a cap on the black-out rage I was capable of. I'm still not 100% satisfied with where I am, but I'm much better.

 

[Louise_Loves]

I have never been diagnosed with anything, but mostly because I simply didn't have medical care at the right time. I've often said that I would never actively consider suicide, but I understand why it is an option for some people. And, along those lines, at the wrong time in my life, I might not have jumped off the track if a train was speeding along. So I've been close enough to the pit to know it exists, and to know that I can't allow myself to go over the edge.

When I was a practicing Catholic, I would hammer myself with the idea that my life belonged to God and I had to discern His will. The problem with that, I suppose, is that I could never tell the difference between God's will and the so-called sinful thoughts. I mean, the Bible is pretty clearly against lesbians, but I can't help but believe this is the way I was created. So - if God loves me, and He created me, then why did He make me a way that dictates He must hate me? This line of thinking actually worked against me, making me even more repressed and depressed.

It became much easier for me to understand and cope when I put that behind me. My current spiritual path doesn't have a deity to guide the universe, nor any means of passing judgment on us. We simply exist, and that is all. I belong to myself and there is no purpose other than what I choose for myself. There are guides to help me understand my trials and who can lend me strength for a time. But it is up to me to find them, to discern their message, and to apply it to my life.

There is a specific ritual I follow regularly to renew my spiritual energy. I won't get into specifics, because that would rob it of its power, but the purpose is to meditate on the way the world really is. To accept my place in it and my powerlessness over anything but my own actions. To understand that I am as much a part of the universe as a sand flea or the wind - no less, and no more. In direct opposition to what my psych classes taught, it is accepting that I have no purpose that lightens my load. I am what I am and I am my own.

This is not to denigrate anyone's beliefs. These are mine, and they work for me. But part of my belief is that everyone walks a different path, and they must be true to that path for it to work. This helps me pull back from the brink. I pass it along in the hope that a slightly different message will resonate with those who are at a loss with the majority culture.

And now, looking back over this, I think it may make me sound a bit crazy. Still, I hope it helps.

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

My meds haven't changed my personality, thank God. But they have quieted my social anxiety a little, calmed the paranoia a lot, squashed the delusions, and for the most part, put a cap on the black-out rage I was capable of. I'm still not 100% satisfied with where I am, but I'm much better.

I feel the exact same way as you do. They haven't changed my personality except to stop my anxiety and other issues enough that I've actually been able to find the real me underneath. I still have to work to be better and sometimes it's harder than others but the meds help. I admire those who do it without the meds but I know that right now this is the best for me.

 

[erika39]

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