Bi curious communication

[Charlie98225]

Hi everyone- question for you. I consider myself bisexual though have not had a sexual experience (or emotional) since I was much younger. I have had a growing feeling for several years that if I were to have the opportunity, I would very much like to experience sex with another man. However, I am in a committed monogamous marriage and will not cheat on my wife without some prior agreement.
I have not come out to my wife but through bedroom talk she knows I have fantasized about it and at least outwardly is ok with it.
My dilemma is this - should I tell her directly? I mean is there any point since I wont cheat and wont ask her if I can? Though I dont think she would be surprised Im not sure there is anything to gain.
Side note - she is disabled and our sex life has ground to a halt pretty much.
Thoughts? How would you feel if you were the spouse and something similar came up? Thanks in advance

 

[HappyToBeAlive]

My story us very similar to yours…

I came out to my wife…

I would recomend reading the book “Married bisexual men” and listening to the podcast “Two bi guys by one bi guy”… specially the episodes talking about the book…

Read a bit… so you can know what to expect. She might have many questions… she might have prejudices.
Try to figure out what you want, what are you asking… do you want enm (ethical non-monogamy)? Do you want to limot to fantasies? You want to meet other bi persons?
Be prepared to answer how you know you are not gay… over and over…
You need a plan:
- to answer questions
- to appease her mind
- to give her space
- to break out (however slim the possibility is… what if she says you need to leave home, even for a few days).

She might be spooked… she might be thrilled… she might ask you if you want to be with a man either because she is afraid to loose you or because she wants to be a participant… you need to know what you want and do not want…
Don't rush into anything… take it slow… be prepared about other people knowing (if she needs or tells others)

Remember, if you tell her, it might be a surprise for her… you have had probably years to prepare for coming out…

Oh… why have you not told her before? Why did you deceive her? Why did you lied? Be prepared to answer those questions…
There are several podcasts that have episodes about coming out (for bi people) and give ideas that could be used for these type of questions…


For me, it was (literally) a thing of life and dead to come out to my wife… I was so depressed…
And it has been difficult… my wife had many doubts… and we have been working on them… and we are better than ever…
I am still monogamous… and it is ok…, but she knows… and that has been so good…

Good luck!!

 

[Charlie98225]

My story us very similar to yours…

I came out to my wife…

I would recomend reading the book “Married bisexual men” and listening to the podcast “Two bi guys by one bi guy”… specially the episodes talking about the book…

Read a bit… so you can know what to expect. She might have many questions… she might have prejudices.
Try to figure out what you want, what are you asking… do you want enm (ethical non-monogamy)? Do you want to limot to fantasies? You want to meet other bi persons?
Be prepared to answer how you know you are not gay… over and over…
You need a plan:
- to answer questions
- to appease her mind
- to give her space
- to break out (however slim the possibility is… what if she says you need to leave home, even for a few days).

She might be spooked… she might be thrilled… she might ask you if you want to be with a man either because she is afraid to loose you or because she wants to be a participant… you need to know what you want and do not want…
Don't rush into anything… take it slow… be prepared about other people knowing (if she needs or tells others)

Remember, if you tell her, it might be a surprise for her… you have had probably years to prepare for coming out…

Oh… why have you not told her before? Why did you deceive her? Why did you lied? Be prepared to answer those questions…
There are several podcasts that have episodes about coming out (for bi people) and give ideas that could be used for these type of questions…


For me, it was (literally) a thing of life and dead to come out to my wife… I was so depressed…
And it has been difficult… my wife had many doubts… and we have been working on them… and we are better than ever…
I am still monogamous… and it is ok…, but she knows… and that has been so good…

Good luck!!

Thank you for this. I just worry that she will be really upset and wonder if she even needs to know as it won't really affect our marriage.

 

[drobert44]

I sleep with my x, I wouldn’t dare bring this up. We don’t fuck.

 

[LeSabreur]

Thank you for this. I just worry that she will be really upset and wonder if she even needs to know as it won't really affect our marriage.

This is quite a decision; I am very sympathetic.

I, too, have role played and incorporated it into our fantasy talk during sex, and it was well received. My wife, though not disabled, has suffered her libido being wiped out by menopause and I think more and more about bringing up this idea with her. Of course, I love her with all my heart and would hate to hurt her, but am considering being open with her about my desires. My fear is that she would take it personally as failing as my wife, as a woman who previously enjoyed a very active and adventuresome sex life and is now inferior. She is stressed enough as it is over the huge imbalance in our sex drives. But, of course, the years fly past and I am highly charged, aware of my mortality and cannot bear the thought of missing something so essential for my quality of life. It is quite a thorny conundrum. Again, you have my sympathy!

 

[Charlie98225]

I am feeling almost the exact same way. Up until recently she has been willing to fantasize with me and use toys one. Her illness has taken all of her energy and she feels horrible all the time. Really dont want to add this to her worries- assuming she would actually worry or be upset.

 

[HappyToBeAlive]

Thank you for this. I just worry that she will be really upset and wonder if she even needs to know as it won't really affect our marriage.

This is the great question… she does not to know until she does…
What I mean is… if you will never do or want to act upon it and it is OK for YOU that she does not know… it is ok for her not to know…
Bi-erasure and bi-invisibility has a real cost in terms of personal mental health and social harm. The cost on my mental health was to big to ignore…

I would recommend seeking therapy from someone that has experience in lgtbq and mixed orientation marriages. They can help you figure out why you think you need to tell her and how could you approach it…