Depression

[CuriousLeesa]

I'm not feeling like myself today. I'm sitting here at work feeling like I'm in a fog. I take medication for anxiety/mild depression but haven't taken it for the past several days because I don't feel like it's doing anything to help me. I was taking another medication before that helped a great deal but it cost so much because my insurance didn't consider it a "preferred " drug, whatever in the heck that means.

I've also been dealing with some other issues lately that relate to some feelings I've just been able to admit to or acknowledge. Maybe all of this is contributing to me feeling so down. Anyway, I also wanted to thank Luna for starting this thread and creating a place where we can support and listen to each other. It means a lot.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

I'm not feeling like myself today. I'm sitting here at work feeling like I'm in a fog. I take medication for anxiety/mild depression but haven't taken it for the past several days because I don't feel like it's doing anything to help me. I was taking another medication before that helped a great deal but it cost so much because my insurance didn't consider it a "preferred " drug, whatever in the heck that means.

I've also been dealing with some other issues lately that relate to some feelings I've just been able to admit to or acknowledge. Maybe all of this is contributing to me feeling so down. Anyway, I also wanted to thank Luna for starting this thread and creating a place where we can support and listen to each other. It means a lot.

(Hugs Leesa)

Hello darlin'. If the meds aren't helping, you really SHOULD see about trying something else. For the nonce, I am weaning myself from caffeine, adding more fish to my diet, switching up my exercise program and attempting to drink more milk and sit in the sun at least 15 minutes every day. All of these things can help improve your mental and provide a lift.

(The main reason I am doing all of this is to prepare my body for whatever meds they place me on for the bipolar 2.)

I am glad that you found us and hopeful that you will look back through the thread at some of the really cool links people have provided. Most of them are very helpful, you know and I don't want you to feel down too long, as it is a harder task to pull yourself up afterward.

*kisses your cheek*

 

[CuriousLeesa]

Thanks, Luna. I'll check out the links.

 

[hottchic]

(Hugs Leesa)

Hello darlin'. If the meds aren't helping, you really SHOULD see about trying something else. For the nonce, I am weaning myself from caffeine, adding more fish to my diet, switching up my exercise program and attempting to drink more milk and sit in the sun at least 15 minutes every day. All of these things can help improve your mental and provide a lift.

(The main reason I am doing all of this is to prepare my body for whatever meds they place me on for the bipolar 2.)

I am glad that you found us and hopeful that you will look back through the thread at some of the really cool links people have provided. Most of them are very helpful, you know and I don't want you to feel down too long, as it is a harder task to pull yourself up afterward.

*kisses your cheek*

I also dramatically reduced coffee.

As somebody who could easily drink up to 8 cups a day, I stopped drinking regular coffee altogether for a month.

Now I drink only one cup if regular coffee a day, the rest is decaf.

Too much caffine intake is apparently bad if you suffer from bipolar 2, which is why I cut it down.

A word of warning though, initially when you cut regular coffee completely, you can become more depressed for a few days.

After a month the high levels of caffine are out of your system and you will generally feel better. However, you will still crave coffee in the mornings, but don't be tempted to go back to old habits.

 

[Trinique_Fire]

.....

 

[Wolfman1982]

Luna_Wolf72: I am sincerely sad to hear you have gotten a depression. But if there is anything , that I can do to make you at least smile, even if you are depressed. Then "smack" me around a bit. Cause I am a good listener. And I am not joking about such serious stuff. And yes, I have experienced depression too, some years ago. Because I lost some one who I cared deeply about. So if you ever need a shoulder to punch or cry on. Then I will try my best to be that person.

 

[none2_none2]

I feel like a shithead for coming in here and taking up a spot in this thread, but this feels like a safe place. I'm currently fighting really hard against the bad feelings that I've fought against for years, but recently I've acknowledged something that happened during a short period of time within the last few years at which point I questioned my sexuality. It started to feel like everyone wanted a piece, and one person who wanted that from me walked into my room in my apartment at the time and took it from me. Violated me. I didn't want that. I never said yes, but I never fought back either. So I'm slowly letting this sink in and still trying to figure out if somehow this was my fault. I feel like a dark room with an equally sick and dark secret.

We can always second guess ourselves. I remember in my own past a rather minor situation (nothing at all serious like rape) that bugged me for a long time. I was in a Radio Shack electronic store when a guy came in and stole an expensive toy. He was smiling the whole time, and he definitely didn't look like he was starving. It looked like it was a thrill and a challenge for him.

I didn't react because I was stunned. I had never seen someone steel right in front of my eyes. So I just froze up for about 20 seconds. I felt bad for a long time. Gay men are usually stereotyped as weak, and it doesn't help that I'm no longer a spring chicken. For the longest time I wallowed in self-loathing for not reacting and at least trying to run after the guy.

However, I also had another way of viewing it later. What if i did run after him and he had a gun/knife? What if others were in on it and it was one against several? I also wondered what if it was "staged" to see reactions? (Like one those TV hidden camera shows.) What if during the pursuit I caused myself or him to knock down a child, a senior, a pregnant woman?

My point is that I had to deal with the fact that what happened, happened, and I'm no better nor worse for not responding differently. Now if this had been a situation where I "left" someone who needed assistance or used someone else to save my own ass, then perhaps I would have something worth dweling on what I did wrong. However, most don't fall into those sitations.

Now again, this is nothing like a rape. I had nothing to lose, I just saw a petty crime and froze up.

I would say that if you are worried there was some pleasure involved, that doesn't mean the secretely you wanted to have sex with this other individual and/or that you sent signals that you wanted it. Sure it may have felt good at some level, just like smelling roses is can be wonderful. However, that doen't mean if the roses you are smelling were stolen that you approve of theft. If counceling is not for you, I would just say that sometimes it helps to put yourself in someone else's shoes, and visualize either your situation or another similar situation. Sometimes by doing that you can see how foolish your own thoughts are on the topic. It is just that sometimes when you are into your own situations you cannot analize them rationally.

 

[none2_none2]

deleting duplicate post.

 

[none2_none2]

I was tempted to start my own post, but then I figured it was still of a depression in nature. What I want to write about is wondering how people cope with responsibility and the depression that can result from when it seems overwhelming.

Responsibilities to other people:

My mother most likely will have to go to a nursing home pretty soon due to dementia. Memorial Day she called 911 and said she hadn't eatend for three days. (She had eaten that day as the nurse had stopped by to watch her eat.) So I will most likely have to decide this at the end of next week or the following week. I'm the only next of kin so I will have to deal with what is best for her, the house, and her four cats. I have delayed with dealing with this for so long as her life is her cats and the home (since I own it) gives her the freedom to have her 4 cats. I worry that she won't have a reason to get out of bed without her cats. However, time has most likely ran out for her to stay in the house with her cats.

What to do with the house itself concerns me because it has been in our family since my great grandparents. I don't want to sell it, but it is so far away (360 miles) to own with it as a rental. It needs SO many repairs: Cat urine means it needs all new floors (assuming the urine hasn't also penetrated the subflooring which would be even MORE expense; cracked plaster walls that may all need replacing with sheet rock; kitchen & bathroom total remodeling; front & back portch redone walls and floors; Basement work on leaky sewer. All that, and I might be lucky to get a few hundered in rent. It would take years to recoup the costs. I'm also feeling guilty because towards the end of my grandma's life, she thought the house could be fixed up. I would dearly love to, but it makes no financial sense. So one more nail in the coffin of overwhemling guilt if I don't fix it up.

I also don't know what to do with the house posessions. There are things that mean so much to me, but I don't have space for an entire other household of posessions. For one example,
all my grandma's paintings are there. She is gone and will never paint again. Her paintings are nice, but she was non Picaso. Thus if I don't keep them nobody will. I'm also feeling angry at myself for being infertile. There are no other generations to pass on my family legacy. So even if I save everything in the house, what happens when I die?

I also won't get months to deal with all this. My employer doens't pay me to take care of personal matters. Yet I don't see how someone can clear out of a house, and everything else involved in 2 weeks.

Responsiblities to other creatures:
a) On the topic of my mother, I also have no idea what to do with her four cats. They are about 12 years old, so they aren't going to be easy to adopt. I know of no friends etc that would take them in. I cannot take them myself because this area (expecially my farm) has in infectation of ticks that pass on bob-cat fever. It is what I would have described as feline malaria. It has a 98% mortatlity rate after one week of being bit by a tick with this protozoa. So to bring them here would be a death sentence. I also don't believe in euthanizing animals for non-termal issues, so that isn't an option.

b) On my own place, I am having to deal with a good possiblity that I will have to put my one and only llama to sleep. I won't lie and say he is like my dogs, but I love all my animals. Yet he may not get better from his neurological disorder that popped up suddenly yesterday.

I know I'm rambling, but I cannot continue the feeling of having a yoke of so much perceived responsibility permanently mounted on my shoulders. I am not wanting to abdicate my responsibilities to someone else as I know I'm the logical candidate. These responsibilities are simply crushing me (in my head). Times like this I wish I could just fly off to a remote island or just crawl in bed and stay there and act as though all my worries disappear by pretending they are gone. However, I cannot.

I'm not suicidal. I'm not postal. I just simply don't know how to deal with all of this. I know "normal" people seem to get through stuff like this, but I take everything too personal. I know that death is part of life (human as well as our animal friends). I know that older people can end up needing nursing home care. I know that animals don't last for ever. I know that each generation has to decide what to do with their former generations and their possessions (houses, cars, house contents). Yet I cannot seem to take it in stride. How do others cope with such responsibilities?

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Hello none 2~

I have the same problem...but it doesn't kick in until after the fact. When my mum passed away in 2004, I arranged the funeral, the memorial service, tended to her bills, dealt with the doctors...all of it. My step father was too depressed and someone had to. I was elected, so I did it.

After though, I slid into the darkest depression ever. I couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. Went over every decision I had made 30, 40, 50 times. Second guessing, judging, worrying. It was the nearest I ever came to suicide. (at that time)

Even now, when something happens with my children...I deal with it and AFTER the issue has been resolved, I lose my mind~crying, sleepless, the works. It's like while the problem is happening, something else comes to the fore and handles it...after, I am just me and break down. way down. I assumed it was just a depression thing...though my therapist says it's not. That I regulate stress differently and only allow it to come out afterward.

I am not sure how normal people without our sorts of issues deal with things of that nature. I have never asked and wouldn't know how to relate to it, even if some one sat me down and tried to explain it, step by step.

I wish I had more help to offer but I don't. Everyone handles pressure and stress differently...and being unsure seems to be human nature. Where we get screwed is the way we deal with it (And by we I mean any depressed personality who freezes up~before, during or after a crisis...)

As for me~ they have decided on seraquil (sp) and trazadone. So far I am ok...though my eating habits have changed dramatically and I sleep entirely TOO much...

My therapist says my body will adjust and eventually, I should be able to function at optimum levels but for now, just getting through the week without a crying jag or a screaming fit is a blessing.

 

[Clint Taurus]

a few tips

I have suffered with bouts of depression all my life but i have found ways of easing it and slowly coming out of it. Often it's caused by anger turned inwards on ourselves. Try thumping a punchbag or a pillow, yell and scream and let out bottled up emotions.

Another simple thing is a high does of vitimin C a 1000 mls a day, it can be bought in pharmacies/chemists in a fruit flavoured fizzy tablet and is dropped in water, It really helps.

Exercise helps too rather than sitting around and getting introspective, go for a fast walk, it stirs up good feeling dopamines in the brain.

It helps to give a small amount to charity, give someone a helping hand or give your seat up on a bus. Small things like this start to make us feel better about ourselves and that we're part of humanity.


Don't stop taking your medication but these small things can really help.

 

[none2_none2]

Hello none 2~

I have the same problem...but it doesn't kick in until after the fact. ...

I have some "after the fact" kinds of things i have to deal with. I just learn not to dwell on it. I think part of my problem is the "anticipation" over the future. Kind of like when you are a kid and have to get a shot. The more you think about it BEFORE you get the shot, the worse it becomes because your "mind" has made it that way. Sometimes if you just dont' think of it until it is time, it isn't painless, but not nearly has painful as what you imagined.

Last night I wanted so bad to dream about my grandma and other loved ones who have passed over. I also wanted to dream of my llama and other animals I have lost. Unfortunately, it didn't happen. I wanted some kind of sense of relief from them. That somehow I did the best I could from all of them. Again, I won't let myself obcess after the fact, but there is some of that. For instance, I should have been more knowledgable about the dangers to my llama. I should have had grandma living nearer me while she was alive... All those "should have's" can send your mind to hell. So I simply don't let myself dwell on it. I still am overwhelmed by what I face, but what I do is try to think of those that have it worse. If they can make it, then i can.

For instance, I think of people who they themselves have to deal with a bad illness -- cancer for instance. I think of people in Joplin who don't have the luxury of worrying about deciding what to do with the contents of their home - because they were blown away. I think of how they may have even lost pets. So as much as I hate what is on my plate, I'm so very lucky. My mother needs a nursing home -- not a coffin. That is a plus.

Anyway, I really do apreciate you responding. In my youth, these were the times I would loose myself in sex. I don't have that level of drive anymore. Plus, I love my partner too much to become a sex addict. Loving someone means that you cannot use them as an object. Also, I'd never entertain the idea of steping out. Somethings are just to special to share... For what I mean about my youth, I'll give an example. I had a roommate about 20 years ago. He was a guy struggling with alcoholism. He stayed sober, etc. Basically, he gave everything up to be with a guy I know, but the guy couldn't let him move in because his son was staying with him for the summer. So he asked me to rent one of my rooms to him just for the summer. The guy had sold his house, got rid of most of his possessions, etc. He was giving it all up to come to town and live with my friend.

Anyway, about 3 weeks after he moved in, my friend dumped him. He ended up rooming with me for about two years. We never go sexual, but he became part of my family. Finally, the time came that he needed to move on. All he had in my town was me. His family was all back on the east coast. He hardly was making any money. I so much wanted him so much to stay. He had become something like a father/uncle. I new in my heart for his own good he needed to go back home. He was so ashamed, that he had cut all ties to his own people. He was from New England and had that "tight lip" personality where he was EXTREMELY private. All I could so was stay out at nights as much as possible. I even had a fling. Anything to stay away from home. I new in my heart if I did, I would have broken down and asked him never to leave. Him staying would have been good for me, but it was absolutely, positively the wrong thing for him. I was there the day he left. I gave him a tight hug and sent him on his way. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

I ended up in bed for a couple of weeks after that. At that point, on the surface it seemed I was in bed because someone I had a fling with dumped me. However, I was in the fling solely to avoid my roommate's pending leave.

I should add that my roommate has been on my mind a lot lately. He is just a year or so younger than my mother. I've been dreaming of him -- again nothing sexual. I wonder if he is doing ok. I wonder if he will develop dementia like my mother. I also feel some guilt as I wasn't always the greatest roommate. For instance, I remember not being excited when he took the initiative to do something nice around the house. I was so use to my way, that I wasn't encouraging. I look back on that now, and realize that I was such an unappreciative jerk at times. He was my age now. So I realize just how frustrating it would be to me if I worked to make something nicer and the people I lived with had no appreciation for it.

I tried to call him the other day, but just got an answering machine. (He lives with a family that were friends of his.) I just hope it is still his number, and he is still alive. His birthday is the 29th. (I have an uncanny ability to remember dates.)

Anyway, thanks again for responding. It means a lot to me.

 

[erika39]

I have suffered with bouts of depression all my life but i have found ways of easing it and slowly coming out of it. Often it's caused by anger turned inwards on ourselves. Try thumping a punchbag or a pillow, yell and scream and let out bottled up emotions.

Another simple thing is a high does of vitimin C a 1000 mls a day, it can be bought in pharmacies/chemists in a fruit flavoured fizzy tablet and is dropped in water, It really helps.

Exercise helps too rather than sitting around and getting introspective, go for a fast walk, it stirs up good feeling dopamines in the brain.

It helps to give a small amount to charity, give someone a helping hand or give your seat up on a bus. Small things like this start to make us feel better about ourselves and that we're part of humanity.


Don't stop taking your medication but these small things can really help.

Your tips are so simple, short and direct. Nothing overwhelming, Thank You for posting them, I have never heard of Vitamin C and am excited to try it. Thanks again for sharing.

 

[erika39]

deleted duplicate post

 

[Sasha25]

Ever since late in my college years, I've dealt often with dwelling on things I couldn't control. Sometimes, it gets bad enough that I panic and get physical symptoms. The first time that happened, I sought counseling to deal with the underlying cause, which had nothing to do with the actually feelings I was having.

I learned that if I dwell, it's very easier for me to be down for extended periods of time, weeks, months even. I haven't sought counseling since, but I know if I don't open up to someone, it will get worse. I talk to friends and family whenever I start to feel myself focusing too much on the negative.

Lately, I've found talking to those closest to me difficult, because I'm starting to feel like a burden to them, still talking about similar fears and panicky symptoms. They assure me that isn't the case, but still, I hesitate now.

Someone in this thread mentioned exercise over sitting and being idle, and that helps me so much. It's a constant struggle and so far, I haven't felt compelled to get professional help, and go on medication, but I know that is a possibility in the future.

 

[erika39]

Sasha, I can relate so much. I understand feeling like a burden to those closest to you when wanting to talk. Some days, no matter how hard I try, I know there is good and positive in my life, yet, I cannot grab one single thought in my head around what they are. No matter how hard I try, the good evades me and the negative takes over my world. Just yesterday my son commented how all I see is the negative.