Depression support Network

[Gypsybyrd]

Ok, this is a tough one. My very low self esteem influnced some major descisions in my life. Like- my choice of spousal unit- not a good choice for me. What helped me was joing in a group. Actually I joined Al-Anon as a support person for my chemically dependent niece. Just being in a group with people who are not there to judge you and being open to what was being said and relating it all to your own personal situation helped me alot. I know it sounds very "Dear Abby" to tell someone to join a support group. But from personal experience depression is very isolationg because you feel you are THE ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD LIKE THIS. But you aren't There are alot of people who have been where you are or are there right now. So you go to a few meetings and don't say anything. You just listen. Then finally you feel brave enough to speak- it's amazing. They don't judge you(or they shouldn't judge you) and what you have to say has VALUE because maybe just one person there will hear what you said and it will trigger something in them that they needed hear. That's how the group thing works best. You listen to the group, take what you need and discard the rest. You work it everyday. You are valuable and you are lovable and capable.OK?

Thx ...

 

[lady*laura]

You are most welcome dear.

 

[fallenupright]

Ever have a time when the thought of doing simple things... such as going to work, overwhelms you. I've set my alarm to go to work every single day this week, and have called in sick all three days. Monday, I said I would go Tuesday... Tuesday I deserved a day off. Today... well, I just feel... like I CAN'T go. I can't face the people. I can't do the work. I've been through this before, but I've always been able to force myself through it, work anyways. I've always been able to push myself through times like this, and this time... I'm not. I don't really know why.

Maybe I've reached my breaking point, I don't know.

I think I know how my mom felt. Things got a little harder each time, and lasted a little less time before they came unraveled. We could all see her sliding down, and had to watch her hit bottom before we could do anything (the only time she would let us do anything). I have not hit bottom like I saw her do many times, but I recognize this step along the way all too well. It scares me, because my entire life has been consumed with not being "crazy like my mom". (For the record, she had depression on top of dissassociatve disorder, which used to be known as multiple personalities.) I've been the way I am for as long as I can remember. I've convinced professionals that I'm fine... lying isn't hard if you know what answers they want.

Maybe it's just stress right now. Tuition is due, I'm moving on the first, my birthday is the second, my 1 yr with the boy is the third, I'm being audited, I am supposed to have work... But really, I should be able to deal with it. I've been through much worse and dealt. I used to write poetry when I felt like this, and it helped... but I can sit infront of the screen and nothing comes to mind. There are not flowery expressions or rhyming couplets to help me through this time. *sigh*

I'm really considering just deleting this. What am I doing, sharing all this?

 

[Belladonna]

Ever have a time when the thought of doing simple things... such as going to work, overwhelms you. I've set my alarm to go to work every single day this week, and have called in sick all three days. Monday, I said I would go Tuesday... Tuesday I deserved a day off. Today... well, I just feel... like I CAN'T go. I can't face the people. I can't do the work. I've been through this before, but I've always been able to force myself through it, work anyways. I've always been able to push myself through times like this, and this time... I'm not. I don't really know why.

Maybe I've reached my breaking point, I don't know.

I think I know how my mom felt. Things got a little harder each time, and lasted a little less time before they came unraveled. We could all see her sliding down, and had to watch her hit bottom before we could do anything (the only time she would let us do anything). I have not hit bottom like I saw her do many times, but I recognize this step along the way all too well. It scares me, because my entire life has been consumed with not being "crazy like my mom". (For the record, she had depression on top of dissassociatve disorder, which used to be known as multiple personalities.) I've been the way I am for as long as I can remember. I've convinced professionals that I'm fine... lying isn't hard if you know what answers they want.

Maybe it's just stress right now. Tuition is due, I'm moving on the first, my birthday is the second, my 1 yr with the boy is the third, I'm being audited, I am supposed to have work... But really, I should be able to deal with it. I've been through much worse and dealt. I used to write poetry when I felt like this, and it helped... but I can sit infront of the screen and nothing comes to mind. There are not flowery expressions or rhyming couplets to help me through this time. *sigh*

I'm really considering just deleting this. What am I doing, sharing all this?

I know exactly how you feel....and I think that's why you shared all of that. I have had many times when just getting out of bed seemed like the most difficult tihng in the world. I have 2 kids and when I couldn't even get up to get them to school (always the one and only things I seemed motivated to do were/are for them) I HAD to reach out for help. I'm not crazy like my mom in the sense that she never reached out for help when it as as obvious as a flashing neon sign that read "help me".
And the fact that you have been through much worse, well so have I. But sometimes we can't be strong enough ALL the time. Sometimes the tiniest thing can set us off into a whirlwind of emotional self deprecation. Even without the ability to take my medication lately, I've been going to once a week group therapy and I'm TRYING to out a lot of what we talk about in there in to practice.
Anyway, I think my point is. You are NOT crazy "like your mom". You are you. And when you struggle, don't look in the mirror and worry that you are becoming like her. I have to force myself not to do the same thing almost every day.
Try to look at only one thing that is overwhelming you. I sometimes hate leaving the house becuase I just dont want to be around people.
Even if you can't make it to work today, make it SOMEWHERE. Take yourself to a public place if only for a few minutes. It may help encourage you for tomorrow when you need to get up. And if you can't write flowery poetry, maybe you can write your feelings down, just for you, and re-read them later on today to see if you still feel that bad.
Well, I hope I have helped at least a little and didnt' sound too much like I was being bossy. I feel what you are going through, and even though it isn't pleasant and is easier to ignore it, looking deep inside yourself for the answers and the truth of what you are feeling may help you over this little speedbump.
*hugs*

 

[lady*laura]

I'm really considering just deleting this. What am I doing, sharing all this?

Dear Heart,
You are asking for help. That's the first step in getting through this episode. Make sure that you give vent to your feelings. Posting here is a good place because we really do understand. Sometimes it's nice to know that a perfect stranger thousands of miles away from you really does care because she has been where you are. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

 

[fallenupright]

Thanks lady*laura and Belladonna for the kind words. I really appreciate it. I had a few talks with my boyfriend, spent some time with my sister... felt a little better. Before I went to bed I set two alarms (for 5 mins apart) so that going back to bed wouldn't be such an easy option.

It's good to hear that I'm not the only one out there who ever has problems. I know my mom was different than me... many of her issues stemmed from a much, much harder life than I could ever imagine. (Dissasociation is a common reaction to childhood sexual abuse - she was abused by her father, and possibly one or two of her brothers.) The depression... well, I suppose that might be genetic in a way. My nana was depressed, my mom's sister is depressed... and I'm certain my sister is, but she refuses to admit it or seek help.

This particular episode was the worst that I've ever been... over such little things... but moving out on my own is proving to be very stressful to start. I'm very worried about money - I don't have that much to play with, and one unexpected expense could really hurt me.

But sometimes we can't be strong enough ALL the time.

Thanks... I really needed to hear that. I've always been the "strong" one in my family, the one people counted on when things were rough. It's hard for me to admit when I'm just not strong enough to deal with all my problems on my own.

 

[Belladonna]

Thanks lady*laura and Belladonna for the kind words. I really appreciate it. I had a few talks with my boyfriend, spent some time with my sister... felt a little better. Before I went to bed I set two alarms (for 5 mins apart) so that going back to bed wouldn't be such an easy option.

It's good to hear that I'm not the only one out there who ever has problems. I know my mom was different than me... many of her issues stemmed from a much, much harder life than I could ever imagine. (Dissasociation is a common reaction to childhood sexual abuse - she was abused by her father, and possibly one or two of her brothers.) The depression... well, I suppose that might be genetic in a way. My nana was depressed, my mom's sister is depressed... and I'm certain my sister is, but she refuses to admit it or seek help.

This particular episode was the worst that I've ever been... over such little things... but moving out on my own is proving to be very stressful to start. I'm very worried about money - I don't have that much to play with, and one unexpected expense could really hurt me.



Thanks... I really needed to hear that. I've always been the "strong" one in my family, the one people counted on when things were rough. It's hard for me to admit when I'm just not strong enough to deal with all my problems on my own.

*HUGS* to everyone. Hope Friday is treating you all well. So far so good for me, but I'm trying no tto over think it.

 

[fallenupright]

*HUGS* to everyone. Hope Friday is treating you all well. So far so good for me, but I'm trying no tto over think it.

It's been very rainy. Got soaked at work, but I'm home in nice warm pjs now.

 

[Belladonna]

It's been very rainy. Got soaked at work, but I'm home in nice warm pjs now.

The BEST way to spend an evening by far! Here it is hot and I'd much rather stay indoors..

 

[Retired Cowboy]

manic depressive here.....wife is beginning bi-polar....and both have symptomatic agoraphobia...yay us. long story short, tell a 19 year old kid with trophies in slalom and x-country skiing, 3 highschool track records, state champ in motocross, snowmobile x-country, snowmobile hill climb, and with tryouts starting for the empire state games team (NY's state team where people from NY are chosen for olympic tryouts), working 3 PT jobs to support the 2 full-time colleges being attended for dual BS degrees in finance and accounting that after a forklift bump in the back, forget your life as you know it. well, i pushed and ended up paralyzed a year later. enter surgery #1 that got me walking but disabled (17 years ago). ::::::taking my bow::::::::: gee thanks for all the applause <coughcough> but thats the short of it. i was 3 classes short of 2 BS degrees and a shot at an olympic tryout for downhill skiing at age 19 (ps thrown out of house at 14, graduated HS a year early with honors) and now the Grand Gimp wanders aimlessly in the hollows of a wasted mind. aside from the wife, me n animals are tight, add people and i go to hell LOL. and yet somehow, over the course of time, i have adopted 3 wonderful horses (had more than 30 but have adopted the rest out over the years) and continually am receiving offers to train someone or their yungun to ride and show and i cant seem to get down the road without being attacked from all sides by other vehicles and idiot drivers.....ahh hell, now i am rambling. :::::banging head on pillow, wall too hard::::::: in all my fallibilities, i have a loving and erotic wife .... most of the time, all the above was worth it, for if all that hadnt happened, we would never have met.

Cowboy Up ...... Cowgirl Down

 

[greeneyes666]

I'm in my late 30s now, and have been suffering depressive episodes and suicidal ideation since high school. I'm currenly on Paxil (for about 3 years now), and it helps tremendously (for me). I'm lucky in that it hasn't really had any negative side effects.

Some of the things I've learned:
1 - Don't torture yourself with how life "should" be; life is what it is, there is beauty and pain in every day that we have.
2 - Don't stop taking Paxil suddenly - this is extremely unpleasant, as there are nasty withdrawal symptoms if you stop suddenly, including electric shock-like sensastions, hallucinations, and disorientation. I make damn sure I don't run out now.
3 - If you try to talk to someone, and they say something like "I feel down sometimes too", don't take it personally, they just don't understand (and good for them that they've never experienced that hopeless pit of depression); find someone else (or post here).

Cowboy, I envy you your understanding spouse, and I wish you the very best. If you need to vent, I'm around.

 

[crvygirl]

Ouch, I've done that...

If you try to talk to someone, and they say something like "I feel down sometimes too", don't take it personally, they just don't understand (and good for them that they've never experienced that hopeless pit of depression); find someone else (or post here).

My husband is about three years into a very serious depressive episode, following a series of medical problems that he almost beat. I remember the day I realized that he wasn't just "having a down time" - we were in his neurologist's office and she asked him how he was doing. He said in this frighteningly calm voice "well, a lot better - I no longer think about driving into oncoming traffic every day, and I have far fewer thoughts about the gun." And I realized how blind and awful I'd been - how my "glass half full" view was a kind of selfish way to ignore what it might feel like behind his eyes.

It's been a long road, and we're still on it, he takes medications for the depression, anxiety disorder and the medical problems that I thought were "the problem."

Thanks to everyone who posts here (where did everyone go after the summer??). It helps me understand what people feel every day, and that may just help me be a better or more understanding person. Who'd have thought I'd find this kind of board on Lit?

 

[lady*laura]

I too was wondering where everyone went. I am glad you shared your experiences. Depression sucks- but then you can say that about just about anything. SOme days are better than others. The best we can do is to learn as much as we can about depression in all its forms and discuss it. So many people really don't understand what it's like because the don't 'know'

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

So ... how does a person go about developing self-esteem/confidence?

Gypsybyrd, I really really like this question. Bravo for asking it.

Unfortunately, the answer is hard and different for everyone. I suppose the best I can do is tell you what I went through.

Some years ago, right after college - that means working two jobs and going to school full time for six years, I did a bout with serious depression. I can look back now and laugh, but I can remember being so confused and unconfident it was hard to walk into a store and buy something. I was literally crazy. "What will the checker think? Should I have bought Charmin instead of the house brand? Will she think I'm cheap? Will she say something embarrassing?" I was literally at that point. Fortunately, I found a great shrink. BETTER LIVING THROUGH CHEMISTRY. That cured the depression. Not the first time, but after several bouts. I've been fine since.

Then the self-confidence thing took even longer. But it was little things. Maybe little victories. It was amazing at the time how much fortitude it took to walk into the bosses office and ask for a raise. But I did - and got it. Dates were horrors. But I forced myself.

That was 16 years ago. In some ways, I still battle the self-confidence thing and I still count all my small victories as they occur. Most people would never know I've had the problem at all. But it has taken a long time.

If you want to talk about it. PM me.

JJ

 

[lookinup]

Yeah, meds can be bad news.
Don't get me wrong, there are some problems that can only be fixed with medicine, but sometimes the side effects are as bad as the condition!
I'm a depressive with axiety issues.

Great thread.
Takes some real courage to come forward like that.
Society just doesn't seem to get it; it's not our damn fault the brain's not producing just the right proportion of the chemicals.

I agree with you about society. They just don't understand that we can't just put on a smile and be totally friendly when we feel so sad. I have had several bouts of depression through my adult life, and recently as well. It's not something you can just "get over" easily. I've been on a couple of different meds over the years, and you are right, some of them have downright nasty side effects. Right now though, the one I'm on is working fine.

 

[EricShields]

Bravo to everyone on this thread, it takes an amazing ammount of courage to come out and talk. I've been pretty quiet around here, self-esteem issues stemming from horrid, horrid relationships and all that, but I felt inclined to actually speak up. I won't get into the whole, sordid mess, but here's the reader's digest of my 22 years of life.

Open Heart Surgery at two days old. Hit by a truck at two years old. Father never around when I was a kid and my mother never gave enough of a damn. Forced to uproot myself at 12 to move out of state (MA to NY). First girlfriend was killed by a drunk driver. Second I walked in on her while she was with another guy. Third one dumped me on my birthday because she wasn't physically attracted to me anymore. Fourth one played so many head games with me I didn't know which way was up. My fifth just broke it off with me tonight so she could see my best friend...ex-best friend now. Add to all of that constant minor health issues from the surgeies and it doesn't shape up to be a pretty picture. Just remember that no matter how bad things get, someone, somewhere DOES give a damn.

As for the rest of me, I do suffer from depression and self-esteem issues (although I've never heard a bad word out of any of my partners, but that's neither here nor there right now). I always knew I was hard-wired differently than the "accepted norm", sometimes to the point where my views on certain things seem to be polar opposite to what is actually accepted. I never felt the taboo that others do concerning sex because to me I always thought of sex as two people/friends having a good time together. Whether there are commitments there or not, it should be ok for people to get together for casual sex; this of course does not fall within the acceptable social norm. The switch for my sex drive has always been broken in the 'on' position, which apparently the social norm doesn't realize that yes, such a thing IS possible. Coincidentally, if any any ladies have some sort of depression fetish, feel free to drop me a message. ::Cricket chirp:: Bad time for a joke? My bad. This whole thing has probably been stream of conciousness for a while now, so I'll just close with this:

Yes, we ARE deviant. Not only is that ok, but we are not alone, this board proves it.

Skald.

 

[lady*laura]

Bravo to everyone on this thread, it takes an amazing ammount of courage to come out and talk. I've been pretty quiet around here, self-esteem issues stemming from horrid, horrid relationships and all that, but I felt inclined to actually speak up. I won't get into the whole, sordid mess, but here's the reader's digest of my 22 years of life.

Open Heart Surgery at two days old. Hit by a truck at two years old. Father never around when I was a kid and my mother never gave enough of a damn. Forced to uproot myself at 12 to move out of state (MA to NY). First girlfriend was killed by a drunk driver. Second I walked in on her while she was with another guy. Third one dumped me on my birthday because she wasn't physically attracted to me anymore. Fourth one played so many head games with me I didn't know which way was up. My fifth just broke it off with me tonight so she could see my best friend...ex-best friend now. Add to all of that constant minor health issues from the surgeies and it doesn't shape up to be a pretty picture. Just remember that no matter how bad things get, someone, somewhere DOES give a damn.

As for the rest of me, I do suffer from depression and self-esteem issues (although I've never heard a bad word out of any of my partners, but that's neither here nor there right now). I always knew I was hard-wired differently than the "accepted norm", sometimes to the point where my views on certain things seem to be polar opposite to what is actually accepted. I never felt the taboo that others do concerning sex because to me I always thought of sex as two people/friends having a good time together. Whether there are commitments there or not, it should be ok for people to get together for casual sex; this of course does not fall within the acceptable social norm. The switch for my sex drive has always been broken in the 'on' position, which apparently the social norm doesn't realize that yes, such a thing IS possible. Coincidentally, if any any ladies have some sort of depression fetish, feel free to drop me a message. ::Cricket chirp:: Bad time for a joke? My bad. This whole thing has probably been stream of conciousness for a while now, so I'll just close with this:

Yes, we ARE deviant. Not only is that ok, but we are not alone, this board proves it.

Skald.

EricShields- you rock! Yeah life hands us some hard knocks but then what the hell- if it doesn't kill it can only make you stronger. Don't ever be afraid to talk about your depression. It's the keeping quiet about it and pretending it doesn't matter or exsist that can really screw a person up. <high five>

 

[elizabeth22673]

....................

 

[blindhound]

It seems that this is the time of the year when this depression thing tends to rear its ugly head for many of us. Hugs to all!

 

[lydia63]

another sufferer signing in

I had my first major attack of depression about 5 years ago, and realized at that time that I'd had minor bouts throughout my life. I believe it's partly inherited in my case; my sister is on meds for it, and my mom has symptoms, though she is not one to admit to the problem.
I keep symptoms under control most of the time with cylexa, but as someone just said, this time of year, with more hours of darkness and less sun, it creeps up on me a bit. Add to that a very sad online breakup recently and I went into a tainspin for several days last week - missed work one day, it was so bad.
One odd thing I notice about my episodes is that when I have them, I can hardly remember ever being happy, and can't believe I ever will be again. Then when they're over, it's hard to believe I was so down. It's like it was someone else crying and wailing in the bathroom in the middle of the night. Does anyone else experience that sort of emotional amnesia?
So glad someone started this thread. Depression seems to be an issue in many of the sexual problems people post about.

 

[lady*laura]

depression and sex

Now there's a heavy topic. Actually I was thinking about this the other day. When I was married to my ex and on my depression meds my libido took a huge nosedive. Sex with the ex was mediocre at best but with meds I pretty much lost interest in it. Unless I was like really really horny and just needed to get off then I would aggressively pursue sex with the ex. In all the years I was married to him- 16- I never had an orgasm unless I was masturbating.
Hmmm....ok so now I'm happliy divorced and still on meds and one of the side effects is decreased libido. That isn't an issue at all with me and my boyfriend. In fact my libido has increased. So was it depression? the meds? him? me? or a combination of all?

 

[crvygirl]

That is a heavy topic...

Now there's a heavy topic. Actually I was thinking about this the other day. When I was married to my ex and on my depression meds my libido took a huge nosedive. Sex with the ex was mediocre at best but with meds I pretty much lost interest in it. Unless I was like really really horny and just needed to get off then I would aggressively pursue sex with the ex. In all the years I was married to him- 16- I never had an orgasm unless I was masturbating.
Hmmm....ok so now I'm happliy divorced and still on meds and one of the side effects is decreased libido. That isn't an issue at all with me and my boyfriend. In fact my libido has increased. So was it depression? the meds? him? me? or a combination of all?

That's one of the reasons I'm on this site, honestly, because I love my husband and he loves me but the depression and anxiety meds are just draining his libido. We had a fantastic sex life for years, but then he started having a few health problems, then the depression and poof...sex life is MIA. Dammit!

What to do? I need wisdom, advice, something!!!

 

[lydia63]

solo satisfaction

Maybe this is a topic for another thread, but since you brought it up, Laura, I've hard other women say they climax more when masturbating than actually having sex with someone.
I have always found it easier to climax on my own than with my husband (my only partner). For years he's had problems with premature ejaculation (God, he'd kill me if he knew I was writing this!) and I haven't had an orgasm with him in all that time.

 

[blindhound]

I saw a news article where some antidepressants (ssri's) were being prescribed "off label" for premature ejaculation. I don't think delaying climax is an uncommon side effect for these medications.

 

[ima6uldv8]

Hello everyone. I'm at the lowest point I've ever been in my life. At one point, I just about lost what little grasp I had left. I made it through that but still trying to cope. I'm bypassing the holidays this year. Christmas is normally my favorite time of year.