Depression support Network

[ChocolateHarlot]

I've suffered from depression my whole life. Its just this terrible pain that never goes away. The truth is I have come to hate myself with all consuming passion. I try so hard to fight it but its always there. A part of me doesn't even think I deserve to live, or look another person in the eyes. All my life I've felt isolated from the world, unwelcome and unloved. Like I wasn't even human. While some of that was not my fault mostly I made things worse.

If you think everyone holds you in contempt and will treat you like filth, they will respond to that unspoken feeling and be quite happy to try to destroy you. It won't even be personal, just sadistic fun. Ah hell I'm rambling. I guess I just wanted to say I hope something here might help someone. Keep them from becoming like me. A 23 year old loser who's unable to hold down a job or make friends...a man no woman could ever look at.

Have you ever sought any help from anywhere? At 23 theres plenty of time to find a good source of support so that you can start to enjoy life.

 

[may-]

A 23 year old loser who's unable to hold down a job or make friends...a man no woman could ever look at.

Hey... that's me..

23 y/o with no job, haven't worked in a while. and the therapist thinks I'm not ready to work. Lost contact with more and more friends over the years.

 

[RocknRoll]

Needfull Thing I understand how you feel...

but you can pull though... just takes a little effort and you can pull though

 

[Needfull Thing]

Have you ever sought any help from anywhere? At 23 theres plenty of time to find a good source of support so that you can start to enjoy life.

Age doesn't mean anything Chocolate. Thats one of the first things you gottas remember. Its a faulty assumption that equates youth with either experience or depth of understanding, or even resiliance. I have had meds, therapy, even been institutionalized. It doesn't change my life. I relax, become mild for a while and then right back to the unchanging hell. Nothing I do ever works. I know that years ago things just went wrong and now in a lot of ways its too late to live up to my ambitions. Now I will be happy if I can ever get to the point where I can pay my own bills.

 

[ChocolateHarlot]

Age doesn't mean anything Chocolate. Thats one of the first things you gottas remember. Its a faulty assumption that equates youth with either experience or depth of understanding, or even resiliance. I have had meds, therapy, even been institutionalized. It doesn't change my life. I relax, become mild for a while and then right back to the unchanging hell. Nothing I do ever works. I know that years ago things just went wrong and now in a lot of ways its too late to live up to my ambitions. Now I will be happy if I can ever get to the point where I can pay my own bills.

I know, I just mean that from an age point of view you are still young enough to be able to possibly achieve some of the things you would like to, my mum has been institutionalised, medicated, had ECT and therapy too. she spent so many years in the depths of despair, finally she has come through it. Sure she still gets bad days but they are few and far between now.

 

[ChocolateHarlot]

Hey... that's me..

23 y/o with no job, haven't worked in a while. and the therapist thinks I'm not ready to work. Lost contact with more and more friends over the years.

I lost alot of contact with people too and was out of work for a year or so. Took alot of guts to get back into it, I was scared in case I wasnt ready for it and I would crumble again but I was lucky enough to find a part time job which i love and although in myself I'm pretty much okay 6 days out of 7 I'm still at the point where the job I do is enough without being overbearing. You will know when the time feels right to get back to work. Dont try and rush yourself if youre not ready

 

[pink]

I've suffered from depression my whole life. Its just this terrible pain that never goes away. The truth is I have come to hate myself with all consuming passion. I try so hard to fight it but its always there. A part of me doesn't even think I deserve to live, or look another person in the eyes. All my life I've felt isolated from the world, unwelcome and unloved. Like I wasn't even human. While some of that was not my fault mostly I made things worse.

If you think everyone holds you in contempt and will treat you like filth, they will respond to that unspoken feeling and be quite happy to try to destroy you. It won't even be personal, just sadistic fun. Ah hell I'm rambling. I guess I just wanted to say I hope something here might help someone. Keep them from becoming like me. A 23 year old loser who's unable to hold down a job or make friends...a man no woman could ever look at.

Sweetie you are not alone, i'm much older then you but i have the same problems. It is hard to not feel the way you do about yourslef, it's the desease talking. Everyday is a struggle for me, i take my meds and see my therapist and thank god when i have good days.

 

[RocknRoll]

Hey Needfull

Heres something for you to think about.. Ive spent nearly 2 years constantly trying to ask women out in bars, clubs, pubs, gym, library, etc...

Join lit and I have at least 6 ladies that want me! lol Shame most of them live on the other side of the Ocean from me, cept one who has a bf.

But in terms of woman actually liking me and appearing sexually attacted, Ive never had it so good...

but you just need to take a risk, and just take the pluge! Seriously.. its one of the best things Ive ever done... Just keep getting knocked down and get up agian

 

[Old Joe]

Hi Needful

I can only give you my sympathy. I've been there, done that, AND got the t-shirt! I can only describe it as a literal black hole to be in. I had a long bout of PTS. Being a hard assed military type I never believed that could happen to me!

What I learnt was that it is a long haul. There are no quick fixes. You need to take the medication and sometimes that alone fucks with your brain. But you MUST stick with it! Probably 6-12 months if an acute bout, much, much longer if chronic!

Very difficult to try to work and hold down a job at the same time. I was very fortunate in that I had a young, attractive, blonde psychologist! We spent hours doing what I thought was just friendly talking but was actually in fact excellent therapy.

Sorry I can't off you more than sympathy but my thoughts are with you.

Hang in there!

Joe

 

[WickedlySweet]

I think this is a wonderful idea for a thread.

I've never suffered from chronic depression, but I have had bouts of it that lasted three or four months at a time. It is a place I never want to be again. Calling it a "black hole" is the best description I can imagine.

My hats off to those of you who manage to live through it, every single day. You are very strong souls.

 

[atomicat]

stuff

I agree with you in most every respect. The feelings are a little different, but the exhausting internal struggle, and the knowledge that there has never been anything but pain for me, and that there will never *be* anything but pain... that's how it is.

And yet, I persist.

I don't know if you're anything like me, but I'm going to take a risk and say who I think I am, and you can tell me if this sounds like who you think you are. If you don't, that's cool... this post is me taking my turn to talk about depression. If you and I happen to have something in common, that's just a bonus.

I can tell by your posts that you have a way of hurting people with the ugly truth of your existence... I don't know about you, but that's what keeps me going. I want the world to hurt.

For me, it's not malice. I just want to show the world exactly who I am and what my life is. For me, the pain is so much (and not just metaphorical... I can feel the knotting in my chest and stomach, the splitting aches that tell me that the feelings I swallowed today are poisoning me with stress adrenalin) that I feel like people need to know. I don't know what that makes me... a poseur 'artist', most likely.

For me, the secret of depression is this: when the pain is excruciating and constant, it seems like I hurt too much to do anything, but that's not true. The truth is, I can still do things... but only the things that I can harness my anguish through. I can sing, I can dance, I can scream and rage and write, but I can't go to class, or pretend to be interested in someone's day, or finish up a midterm paper about cave formation.

It's a shiftless existence that may never earn me a living, and I don't think that I'll ever truly communicate my pain to someone who's never felt it, but I didn't choose to be this way. If all I can do for the rest of my life is twist and howl, then that's what I'm gonna do.

Nothing I do ever works. I know that years ago things just went wrong and now in a lot of ways its too late to live up to my ambitions. Now I will be happy if I can ever get to the point where I can pay my own bills.

Yeah, I'm there with you. I've moved back in with my parents... most humiliating experience of my life, but it had to be done. These days I'm trying to save money and lose weight. Which is a funny thing to say, considering how I can't go an hour without thinking about how much better I'd be if I killled myself, but it's the truth.

About a year ago, I decided to dedicate my life to living in the real world, even in agony. I feel like most of my youth was a constant search for distraction... videogames, MTV, eating binges, whatever. These days, I figure that I'm better off obsessing over my problems and trying to drag myself through the day that I ever was obsessing over Diablo 2 and drinking two liters of soda a day to feel good for a while. It feels weird to feel like life isn't worth living and still take steps to prolong it, but what the hell... I don't want to die *fat*.

-x

 

[Needfull Thing]

I agree with you in most every respect. The feelings are a little different, but the exhausting internal struggle, and the knowledge that there has never been anything but pain for me, and that there will never *be* anything but pain... that's how it is.

And yet, I persist.

I don't know if you're anything like me, but I'm going to take a risk and say who I think I am, and you can tell me if this sounds like who you think you are. If you don't, that's cool... this post is me taking my turn to talk about depression. If you and I happen to have something in common, that's just a bonus.

I can tell by your posts that you have a way of hurting people with the ugly truth of your existence... I don't know about you, but that's what keeps me going. I want the world to hurt.

For me, it's not malice. I just want to show the world exactly who I am and what my life is. For me, the pain is so much (and not just metaphorical... I can feel the knotting in my chest and stomach, the splitting aches that tell me that the feelings I swallowed today are poisoning me with stress adrenalin) that I feel like people need to know. I don't know what that makes me... a poseur 'artist', most likely.

For me, the secret of depression is this: when the pain is excruciating and constant, it seems like I hurt too much to do anything, but that's not true. The truth is, I can still do things... but only the things that I can harness my anguish through. I can sing, I can dance, I can scream and rage and write, but I can't go to class, or pretend to be interested in someone's day, or finish up a midterm paper about cave formation.

It's a shiftless existence that may never earn me a living, and I don't think that I'll ever truly communicate my pain to someone who's never felt it, but I didn't choose to be this way. If all I can do for the rest of my life is twist and howl, then that's what I'm gonna do.



Yeah, I'm there with you. I've moved back in with my parents... most humiliating experience of my life, but it had to be done. These days I'm trying to save money and lose weight. Which is a funny thing to say, considering how I can't go an hour without thinking about how much better I'd be if I killled myself, but it's the truth.

About a year ago, I decided to dedicate my life to living in the real world, even in agony. I feel like most of my youth was a constant search for distraction... videogames, MTV, eating binges, whatever. These days, I figure that I'm better off obsessing over my problems and trying to drag myself through the day that I ever was obsessing over Diablo 2 and drinking two liters of soda a day to feel good for a while. It feels weird to feel like life isn't worth living and still take steps to prolong it, but what the hell... I don't want to die *fat*.

-x

I used to be that way. I used to hate life because I hated myself and thought that all life must hate me too. I kind of had a war going with the entire world and god. Oh I never stopped believing. I just hated. Hate can only keep you going so long before it burns itself out. I still live with the pain and without the hope. But I have found I can still love too. Maybe no one can love me back but that does not make the emotion...the feeling of love, any less valid or meaningful. I can love them even if they hate me.

I keep going guys. I am still here. Got every reason to die but I am still here. Strange things keep me going. A song or a funny thought. Wanting to finish the book I'm reading. I love because its better than the alternative.

Love keeps me alive.

 

[OutshinedOne]

I guess I tend to be more optimistic than most people when it comes to my own problems.

Back in HS...man, I had all sorts of problems going on. Coupled with the fact that I had all of these hormones flying around my body at breakneck speeds, I also had to deal with plenty of problems in my own life. I made some bad decisions, couldn't find my own place in life, and generally was something of a wreck. It wasn't until the very end of HS that I finally was able to cast it all away and just not care about any of that stuff any more. I stopped caring about what people thought of me and started doing what I wanted to do. I had fun and got to know so many people in that last year and a half.

And then college came along. I was in a new town and didn't have a whole lot of friends up in Madison. Freshman year, I was saddled with a roommate who was just such a jerk. I was in a dorm that I really did not like, although I met some good people. After that, though, things got significantly better. I met a ton of people. I took classes I really loved. I volunteered in the community a lot. I learned a heck of a lot. Sure, the application process for law school sucks, but I'm almost through with it.

Now? I just graduated. My friends are all getting jobs and going to school across the country. Some people I might never see again. Others I won't be able to just visit whenever I feel like it. I might end up going to school somewhere other than Madison or Chicago. I'll have to start all over again. College ended in a matter of days. At least in high school my friends all stayed around during the summer and were free, ya know?

Am I depressed about it? In some respects, yes. I am really sad about what's going on. I will really miss all of the friends I made in college. I know that I will never be able to go back to the wild days when I could go out to the bars and have crazy nights with my friends. There will still be opportunities for me to do it...but I will have so much more work in law school. People will be older and not quite as predisposed to the kinds of fun I used to have in college. College was the best time of my life.

But...does that mean I peaked? I don't think so. The best days of my life will continue to be ahead of me. There is so much more for me to do, so many more people for me to meet. The rest of my life is in front of me. It's a bit daunting, but it's also incredibly exciting! I feel like I'm on the edge of something really big...but I can't quite jump yet. I'm a few short months away from it all and I'm getting kind of impatient, needless to say.

We all go through our own struggles and turmoil. Sometimes we need to deal with them on our own and learn to overcome those things. Other times, we don't have the necessary tools and resources to do that. Periods of upheaval and transition can be incredibly jarring. The social structures around us can collapse or they simply are unable to help us. There are many times when we need some one with professional training who can help us and give us those things.

In spite of everything I have gone through...all of the heartache, pain, and suffering...I would not go back and change it if given the option. I have regrets that I have to live with. I have my own problems that I have to wrestle with all the time. Yet, they've made me who I am today. I'm comfortable with being me. I rather enjoy it, in all truth.

The world is filled with wonder and possibilities. I'd like to continue living to see them.

 

[blindhound]

unfortuantely, I must confess I have travelled a similar road as the rest of you these past several years. In my case, the meds are enough to take the edge off and allow me to crawl out of bed and function, albeit not wonderfully.

I suppose misery loves company. My email box is open if anyone to anyone that feels it would help.

 

[RocknRoll]

Welcome Outshined and hound

sit back, have a cup of tea and join in

 

[Shadow_Kitty]

Well, I'm not a sufferer myself, not in a serious way (borderline bipolar, but I live with it, along with borderline attention deficiency), but I've dated a girl who has, and I know how difficult it can be. You've all got my support, and I hope you all stay strong and keep doing well.

 

[RocknRoll]

Welcome Kitty and thank you for the well wishes

Dont be afraid to come back often, or indeed of us! lol

 

[Chainzz]

Hello literoticans with issues ...
I spose thats nearly everyone , when we get right down to it .
They say now that 1 in 3 people suffer from depression in one form or another .
I personally have nearly 20 yrs of this crap under my belt , and am willing to share any and all of the experiences, both good and bad , I've had through the years . From medications , to therapy , to being hypnotised , to self healing . All of these have helped in small ways , but none have really done more than take the edge off temporarily . I've found for me , my best results come when I get plenty of excersize , and plenty of sleep . Now having said " sleep " , I mean getting as close to 7 - 8 uninterupted hours at once . A few hours here and there only compounds the problems ...

For those who like to read ,
may I suggest 2 very well
written books to look into .
1) " From Panic to Power "
By Lucinda Bassett
2) Life without limits "
By Lucinda Bassett
* Lucinda Bassett is the founder and CEO of one of the most successful self help companies in the country , " The Midwest center for stress and anxiety " . Both books can be purchased at any Borders book stores , for under $ 15. 00 each . ​

BEGIN NOW TO CHANGE THE PERSON YOU ARE INTO THE PERSON YOU HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO BE .

All my best , friends ...
~ C

 

[noonenew]

I was diagnosed with dysthymia with major depressive episodes, and showing hypomania. I'm on lexapro now, and have been for nearly a year. It's working for me, I've heard that meds like this can sometimes be hit and miss at best, but willingness to "fix" your situation helps a lot to your help. I got lucky and got prescribed the appropriate dose from the get go, coupled with a good twenty or so counseling sessions... I wouldn't say I'm "cured," but life doesn't suck as much any more.

 

[RocknRoll]

Life sucking less should always be a goal for anyone with mental problems...

Welcome noonenew

feel free to advertise our little gathering!

 

[south1]

Well...This is great thread!!

I have been battling with depression for sometime,it runs in the family and have had an Uncle take his life because of it so it really is a serious condition although dismissed in society as just not being able to deal with life's problems.....Id like those people to spend a day in our shoes!!!

Like many of you I go through alot of lows and the really no highs..LOL
I do take meds..wellbutrin XL and effexor XR. I do have to agree that they have some crappy side effects (especially the effexor) but they DO seem to help me be able to get out of the funk when i get into it (those with depression know what i mean about the funk) Right now on the medicinee I have kinda leveled off...not sad but certainly not happy either. The only thing i have found is I dont sink into that like 2 week depression where you know you just lay on the couch hate the world not answer the phone etc..

So defenitely count me in for both helping and well of course just talking to someone!!! Its nice to talk to someone that actually knows where you are comin from.....

 

[RocknRoll]

So defenitely count me in for both helping and well of course just talking to someone!!! Its nice to talk to someone that actually knows where you are comin from.....

That was the idea behind this thread!

Im glad that you are finding this useful and others are as well!

Feel free to just let it pour out your feelings and if you dont want a responce just say so!

 

[may-]

That was the idea behind this thread!

Im glad that you are finding this useful and others are as well!

Feel free to just let it pour out your feelings and if you dont want a responce just say so!

Just a lil complaining... I need my meds.. I ran out almost a week ago and I actually see a difference in myself. Back to having trouble sleeping and being a heck of a lot more irratated, not to mention tearful at so many things. Too much stressing lately...


And that's all.

 

[RocknRoll]

*hugs*

sorry to hear that may

 

[doll_parts85]

I have a bad panic disorder, PTSD, bipolar, and delusional paranoid disorder...and take meds, Effexor XR and Geodon...