Depression. It's a silent killer.

[Ssbbw4u1974]

I'll admit that I have had MDD, PTSD, BPD, and Bipolar 2 for basically my whole life.

The depression is intense at times, and really effects my relationships immensely.
Like most of you, I'm sure, I usually don't tell anyone I'm involved with about my mental health up front.
I usually don't plan on getting close enough to people to need to expose that part of me, but then those very special people sneak into my life.

During my depression episodes, I am definitely not hypersexual.
(Unlike the mania times)

 

[cutcrystal]

I can tell you, as someone who used to help run a support group, that most "alternative methods" are bollocks. The body is more complex than we think. If one thing is out of whack, it can affect the mood. A lot of it has to do with a delicious combination of genetics and trauma. But in the end, it's a medical problem just like any other chronic ailment.

Having said that, I will tell you that I have been through over thirty medications and some other procedures that people may think we don't do anymore. It was very hard to get a grip on it and try to stem suicidal ideation that was getting worse with age. A lot of medications didn't work, or if they did work, they had terrible, terrible side effects. Or, they didn't work AND had terrible, terrible side effects.

Talk therapy meaningfully helped me. Being in group therapy with some kind people helped me. Being with a doctor who listened and cared helped me. There are many, many kinds of therapy. You do not have to just sit on a couch and complain. The therapist is not your enemy. Most therapists want you to control what goes down so that you can help yourself feel better in the way that works for you.

In the end, though, it's up to the individual as to how they proceed. For me, it was very, very important that I not constantly feel like I wanted to die, so I made it a priority, and tentatively, I am under better medical care than I've ever received. Patience is a huge part of this. I have seen dozens of practitioners over the years. I was hospitalized several times. I had plans of "unsubscribing" from life. I went through a lot. A lot.

But now I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. It isn't always going to be the same. Sometimes things are better. Sometimes they are worse. They never stay the same. That is the point of human life.

Please, look for help, and don't give up.

Agreed on alternatives. 15 failed, made no difference, or made me worse. 5HTP got me through the deepest and most suicidal time of my life. I tried it because a colleague at work had tried it and it worked for her.

Therapy was vital. A significant help to me. And I later trained and became a therapist myself. I did it for 11 years until lockdowns destroyed my practice and bankrupted me.

 

[summer_reine]

Just go one more day. Please? One more.

 

[forgotmyantidepressants]

Just go one more day. Please? One more.

*hugs*

 

[DeerTrace118]

Just go one more day. Please? One more.

You’ve got this

 

[Bassytian]

Just go one more day. Please? One more.

You've got this, you can do it!

 

[summer_reine]

Just go one more day. Please? One more.

I apologise that this came across differently than intended. I'm okay

It's a phrase I've heard spoken to people who are at their limit, a request to wait to make that permanent decision.. just for a day.

I am very familiar with the dark lies one's brain can whisper and sometimes scream, the bleak desperation and narrowed perception that is depression, but I am well beyond believing those lies now.

To anyone who might be reading this from the dark place, just go one more day. There is an army of people ready to help you find light in the darkness.

 

[Bassytian]

^ Gotcha. It's a great message. As she said, to anyone reading this, please wait just a little longer..

5HTP The Natural Way to Overcome Depression, Obesity and Insomnia. By Michael Murray ND.

I forgot to mention that the failed medications all gave me anxiety I didn't have before I took them.

CC

I bought the first two books you mentioned on eBay earlier, I'll give that one a look sometime too.

But anyway, I haven't been depressed like I was this past week for a long time, I thought I had overcome it. But certain triggers kept piling up, reminding me of my past failures that I've always hated and blamed myself for. It must have been building up inside until I couldn't ignore it any longer. I can't avoid the triggers, I'd have to never leave home again to do that, but I have to learn to deal with them, not just ignore them.

 

[cutcrystal]

^ Gotcha. It's a great message. As she said, to anyone reading this, please wait just a little longer..


I bought the first two books you mentioned on eBay earlier, I'll give that one a look sometime too.

But anyway, I haven't been depressed like I was this past week for a long time, I thought I had overcome it. But certain triggers kept piling up, reminding me of my past failures that I've always hated and blamed myself for. It must have been building up inside until I couldn't ignore it any longer. I can't avoid the triggers, I'd have to never leave home again to do that, but I have to learn to deal with them, not just ignore them.

I'm sure you will get something out of the books. And keep reaching out and posting. Sounds like me a few weeks ago. A familiar CV couple of triggers - loneliness and lack of money.

 

[DeerTrace118]

^ Gotcha. It's a great message. As she said, to anyone reading this, please wait just a little longer..


I bought the first two books you mentioned on eBay earlier, I'll give that one a look sometime too.

But anyway, I haven't been depressed like I was this past week for a long time, I thought I had overcome it. But certain triggers kept piling up, reminding me of my past failures that I've always hated and blamed myself for. It must have been building up inside until I couldn't ignore it any longer. I can't avoid the triggers, I'd have to never leave home again to do that, but I have to learn to deal with them, not just ignore them.

The learning to live with them is the hard part I deal with. I can talk and talk and talk about what to do “the next time” but when it happens, putting everything together and working through it is hopefully something I make progress on going forward. Thank you for sharing @Bassytian

 

[Bassytian]

^ You’re quite welcome!

I also have problems with comparing myself to othes, and felt inadequate. I sometimes question myself as a writer as well but I guess all of us do at times.

I had more typed but it felt like senseless rambling.

 

[bws1]

I have to say, the amount of compassion I'm seeing in here is absolutely amazing. Y'all are some incredible people! Wish I could have drinks with you all!

 

[Wetkitty09]

^ Gotcha. It's a great message. As she said, to anyone reading this, please wait just a little longer..


I bought the first two books you mentioned on eBay earlier, I'll give that one a look sometime too.

But anyway, I haven't been depressed like I was this past week for a long time, I thought I had overcome it. But certain triggers kept piling up, reminding me of my past failures that I've always hated and blamed myself for. It must have been building up inside until I couldn't ignore it any longer. I can't avoid the triggers, I'd have to never leave home again to do that, but I have to learn to deal with them, not just ignore them.

Don’t hesitate to reach out. To me or anyone here that has offered. Sometimes knowing someone who understands is there can make the difference.
Be safe out there.

 

[Wetkitty09]

The learning to live with them is the hard part I deal with. I can talk and talk and talk about what to do “the next time” but when it happens, putting everything together and working through it is hopefully something I make progress on going forward. Thank you for sharing @Bassytian

I have this same issue. I’m learning all sorts of tools to help me get through the next time but when the next time comes I’m lucky if I remember to use them. I’m fortunate to have a good therapist that will remind me.
Be safe out there. Love you.

 

[Wetkitty09]

Morning. I’m giving this the bump it needs.
Have the best day you can. Be safe out there. Love you.

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

If this post is not in keeping with the theme and mood of the thread, please just do not respond and let my comment silently go away. The "silently go away" is what I want to write about and this thread seems like a worthy location for me to drop what's been on my mind recently.

In my past, my family has suffered two separate suicides. One for my (now ex) wife's sister back in the late 1980's, and the other my cousin even further back. The trouble is that neither memory wants to "silently go away." The two situations were different, and my sister-in-law's death was particularly hard for me. But my cousins was as devastating on the family.

My cousin and I were very close as children. But we grew a part as we got older until we stopped making any effort at contacting each other. Then I found out he intentionally drove his car off a cliff in my hometown (recently, news reports about that particular area in California has been published because the community is falling into the ocean). I could not believe he would do that. But then came the other details.

He set up tire lifts so he could ensure he got airborne and would leap over the railing for the edge of the road that overlooks the ocean. He showed a pre-plan to kill himself. But the police at the scene said they found skid marks at the tire lifts and the railing had been destroyed - indicating that he changed his mind at the last minute, but could not stop the car in time.

My sister-in-law jumped off a different cliff. She was married and had two children, but jumped nonetheless. She did it on Christmas day. That was the same day that HER mom had jumped off the same cliff when she was much younger herself.

She was coming over to the family gathering when she merely popped her head into the house from the front door, smiled at everyone, and said, "I just wanted to say goodbye." Then she closed the door. Nobody understood what she was trying to say. Then we heard her car leave. We got worried and decided to try and find her. Everyone got into their cars and fanned out. Some went to her house, others to her friends. I was told to just "drive around" and hope to spot her.

This was in the pre-cell phone days. I thought I was on a fool's errand since even if I DID see her car, what could I do? I couldn't call anyone. But I did as asked.

I drove down a street I had never been on and ended up in a section of the town near the ocean - when I spotted her car parked on the side of the road. I parked behind it and saw that no one was in the car, and that the windows were all steamed up - halfway - as if someone had been crying and the moisture inside the car condensed on the windows. I started calling for her - no answer.

I looked around and saw lights on at one house across the street - it was Christmas day - so I knocked on their door and asked to use their phone. I called the house I was sent from and was asked where I was. I didn't know. I asked the owner of the house and he said the location. I might not know where I was or how to get there, but I KNEW once he told me that something bad was happening. It was the same location as where her mother had jumped to her death.

Fire rescue showed up and a rescue helicopter using a search light found my sister-in-law's body at the base of the cliff.

Why am I writing all this? Both of them were depressed. Suspicions abounded because nobody could believe they had killed themselves. It ruined my marriage because I found her car. Both have haunted me since they occurred all those years ago.

Depression IS a silent killer - especially if it leads to suicide. In my experiences, it doesn't just kill the human that dies. It also kills a little piece of every person that was touched by the life that was lost. EVERYONE dies when a suicide occurs.

 

[Bassytian]

My god, I’m sorry to hear about that.

I have attempted to take my own life three times, but changed my mind at the last second and fortunately it wasn’t too late. Those who say that people who take their own lives are cowards don’t know what they are talking about, trying to do it is terrifying. It takes an overwhelming amount of courage to fight your own fear of death and survival instinct.

It does leave massive damage to their loved ones. I have heard that when someone takes their own life, their pain doesn’t disappear, it spreads to everyone else instead.

While this thread does try to help and uplift, your post is very relevant. We can’t shy away from this.

 

[Wetkitty09]

It’s the thought of who would find me and the pain it would cause that has kept me from completing my unlifing attempts. I am fortunate to not have had a family member commit suicide; I had a friend that did in high school. His death shook all of us that knew him to the bone and it cascaded through out our school.

 

[Bassytian]

I don’t want to put my mother through it, I don’t think she would survive it although admittedly, I wasn’t thinking about that during those times..

Back when I was growing up and still going to church, a member of the congregation took his own life one evening at home. The effect it had on his daughter was the saddest thing I’d ever heard of. I won’t share how she reacted to it, it’s too graphic. It affected the entire church as well. It was also the first time I’d heard of someone taking their own life, the idea never occured to me. It was a very distressing thing to learn about.

 

[jsmiam]

There is a profound poem, The view from halfway down, from the Netflix show Bojack Horseman.

I realize there are some who might dismiss it since it’s from a grownups cartoon, but that would be a mistake. It is brilliant. I’m willing to bet it’s saved hundreds/thousands of lives.

1. Watch the video.

Or 2, read it. I’ve pasted below.

The View From Halfway Down​

The weak breeze whispers nothing
the water screams sublime.
His feet shift, teeter-totter
deep breaths, stand back, it’s time.

Toes untouch the overpass
soon he’s water-bound.
Eyes locked shut but peek to see
the view from halfway down.

A little wind, a summer sun
a river rich and regal.
A flood of fond endorphins
brings a calm that knows no equal.

You’re flying now, you see things
much more clear than from the ground.
It's all okay, or it would be
were you not now halfway down.

Thrash to break from gravity
what now could slow the drop?
All I’d give for toes to touch
the safety back at top.

But this is it, the deed is done
silence drowns the sound.
Before I leaped I should've seen
the view from halfway down.

I really should’ve thought about
the view from halfway down.
I wish I could've known about
the view from halfway down—

 

[Bassytian]

That is a haunting poem, but I agree it's probably saved lives.

People dismiss animation as either being "for kids" or nothing to be taken seriously because there are no "live actors", but they can have just as powerful of a message as any other media. I'm a fan of Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss, those shows are wickedly funny but they have strong messages in there as well. Hell, even South Park has a few.

 

[littlecordelera]

I see things differently. As someone once wrote, "It's no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

Depression is a normal response to living in a world saturated in hate and injustice. Sometimes depression can go too far, but in most cases, I don't think people should beat themselves up because they are depressed. Being depressed means you see the world for what it really is, instead of lying to yourself and pretending that everything is great. YOU are normal. Those who pretend to be irreversibly happy are not normal.

Viewing the world in this way has allowed me to fully accept that life is hard, and there is nothing I can do about it. I live each day being true to myself, and doing what little part I can to help others, because that's all I can do. Keeping this perspective mitigates any potential bouts of serious depression and allows me to soldier on, making the best of the life I have.

So when someone asks you, "How are you today?" Accept the fact that they really don't care how you are. It's just a greeting. Say "I'm great!" and move on. If you tell them the truth, most people will hate you, because you are ruining their efforts at pretending that they've got the world all figured out, and they are irreversibly happy.

If, however, you feel you can't go on, I urge you to get professional help. My mother was killed when I was nine years old. My father poured himself into a bottle of liquor, and as an only child, I was left to face life on my own. It was a miserable existence of self-hate and self-destruction, but my life now is completely different. I feel exceedingly lucky. So trust me, there is light on the other side of that seemingly insurmountable hill.

Sometimes life sucks, and it can be that way for extended periods. It's not your fault, and it's OK to ask for help.

For anyone reading this post, I wish you all the best.

 

[Leglover1234]

I’ve been terminally ill for 4 years with ALS. Paralyzed from the neck down. I can no longer eat or breathe on my own. Nothing in my life is enjoyable anymore. I’m just waiting for the right time to pull the plug

 

[Bassytian]

God, I can't imagine. I wish I knew what to say to encourage you. If it's any consolation at all, I will say that you are stronger than most to have endured for as long as you have, and someone out there, or on here, loves you.

I see things differently. As someone once wrote, "It's no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

Depression is a normal response to living in a world saturated in hate and injustice. Sometimes depression can go too far, but in most cases, I don't think people should beat themselves up because they are depressed. Being depressed means you see the world for what it really is, instead of lying to yourself and pretending that everything is great. YOU are normal. Those who pretend to be irreversibly happy are not normal.

Viewing the world in this way has allowed me to fully accept that life is hard, and there is nothing I can do about it. I live each day being true to myself, and doing what little part I can to help others, because that's all I can do. Keeping this perspective mitigates any potential bouts of serious depression and allows me to soldier on, making the best of the life I have.

So when someone asks you, "How are you today?" Accept the fact that they really don't care how you are. It's just a greeting. Say "I'm great!" and move on. If you tell them the truth, most people will hate you, because you are ruining their efforts at pretending that they've got the world all figured out, and they are irreversibly happy.

If, however, you feel you can't go on, I urge you to get professional help. My mother was killed when I was nine years old. My father poured himself into a bottle of liquor, and as an only child, I was left to face life on my own. It was a miserable existence of self-hate and self-destruction, but my life now is completely different. I feel exceedingly lucky. So trust me, there is light on the other side of that seemingly insurmountable hill.

Sometimes life sucks, and it can be that way for extended periods. It's not your fault, and it's OK to ask for help.

For anyone reading this post, I wish you all the best.

I needed to hear just that, thank you! It is a different perspective and holds a lot of truth.

 

[Wetkitty09]

I’ve been terminally ill for 4 years with ALS. Paralyzed from the neck down. I can no longer eat or breathe on my own. Nothing in my life is enjoyable anymore. I’m just waiting for the right time to pull the plug

I won’t give you any platitudes. I’m sorry this happened to you. ALS is a horrible disease.
I hope you are as comfortable as can be until that time that eventually comes to us all.
Love and light to you.