Define Cheating

[jack_t_ripper]

Hello gentlehearted Psyche,

I have a question for you that can put things into better perspective for you. I understand the hot passion at the start of the mariage and the gradual increasing in time between sessions, leading to the times when it is only you that initiate it and he never begins it. So my question is this " If your husband were to start fullfiling your needs would you keep your lover?".


While this question may not answer the question you are asking it may help you anyway. BTW divorcing him just because their is no sex after 20 years and you are finding it elsewhere is not the correct answer without knowing all the facts. In your 20 years together you have shared to many things to just walk away. As Jeff Foxworth once said "gettting married to have sex is like buying a car becuase you like the hub caps" ( or soomething like that).

The concern that you are having is not necessarily whether it is ok to have the affair but rather more along the lines of how you should feel about him no longer carring or wanting to care about something that is so important to you. You may wondering if he didnt cheat on you first by not remaining faithful in his fulfilment to you.

I would enquire if you have asked him what has changed but we both know his answer to that would be " I don't know"or equal value. Realising that as people age sometimes their sex drive decreases another question I have is " is it the sex that you are craving or it is the gentle loving touch?"

 

[Eilan]

This thread is seven years old?

 

[cebalrai]

Just wanted to say I understand psyche's dilemma. Either be unsatisfied and resentful or seek satisfaction outside the marraige.

Ever try marital/sex counseling though?

 

[m468h]

This thread is seven years old?

Maybe so...but the question is timeless. Everyone is human, and circumstances and feelings are all different in this sort of situation.

 

[Eilan]

Maybe so...but the question is timeless. Everyone is human, and circumstances and feelings are all different in this sort of situation.

Perhaps, but why bump a seven-year-old thread to ask questions that would have probably been better suited for a Private Message, since they're directed at one person?

(And, yes, I'm award of the hypocrisy of continuing to bump the seven-year-old thread with my responses, so I'll bow out now.)

[/Thread Nazi]

 

[curiousness70]

Do what you feel is best

Hun, I believe cheating is what you think it is. I feel that if you want to do sexy chat or cam go for it, It will give you sexual gratification...

 

[sallybaby]

What defines cheating?

Is the act of sending erotic email and stories cheating?

Does cheating need to cross the physical boundaries or can they just cross the intellectual ones?

It depends on what's "cheating" with you & your partner. BUMP...

 

[bruisedangel]

Put something into the perspective of your own thoughts and feelings on the subject matter. If your partner would (flirt/email/IM/converse frequently/fuck/et al.), how would the particular situation appear to you? (You being of the proverbial sort). Granted, there should be allowances made towards the rules set into place regarding the relationship. However, if a specific act(s) that your partner would engage in would make you feel as if you were being cheated on, that, in my opinion, is cheating. Regardless of whether or not your partner would ever find out.

Disclaimer: In no way do I consider myself the moral police. Do whatever gets you off. Be aware of consequences that may ensue. (I just need a 'C' list star, and presto! PSA)

 

[StrayKat]

Put something into the perspective of your own thoughts and feelings on the subject matter. If your partner would (flirt/email/IM/converse frequently/fuck/et al.), how would the particular situation appear to you? (You being of the proverbial sort).

As far as I know my partner does all those things, I am not exactly asking and he is not telling. I dont mind, first because I dont really care since I know how much I mean to him, second because I do the same, and third because I am a selfish bitch and it gives me a power over him if he is uneasy about my reaction.

 

[bruisedangel]

As far as I know my partner does all those things, I am not exactly asking and he is not telling. I dont mind, first because I dont really care since I know how much I mean to him, second because I do the same, and third because I am a selfish bitch and it gives me a power over him if he is uneasy about my reaction.

Then that wouldn't be considered cheating, exactly. Not if there isn't some level of care involved.

 

[StrayKat]

Then that wouldn't be considered cheating, exactly. Not if there isn't some level of care involved.

No, I never thought of it as cheating, but I sometimes have a feeling he does.
We had sort of "unwritten" rule that we dont do things without each other. I have certain health problems and wasnt interested or very capable for sex lately; he asked if I would mind if he would find release somewhere else. I said "not at all, go ahead" but I still have a feeling he didnt take it for granted and is uneasy about it. Its a good base for manipulation though and being a manipulative bitch I never cleared the matter completely.

I know he is not happy about the thought I *might* get emotionally involved with somebody else, just sex in any form doesnt bother him at all, especially if he can jump in as well.

 

[lennythelion]

best definition

cheating is taking something away from your partner......

I read through the entire thread with interest because this is a subject I have thought a lot about over the course of many years. I have been in psyche's position and am involved with someone who is in that position. Sxylegs's definition spoke to me on so many levels. Here are some examples to illustrate the point:

- if my SO fancies Liv Tyler/Hugh Jackman (or other), it isn't cheating if they also fancy me
- if my SO has a quick, curiosity-inspired fuck, it wouldn't be a problem as long as it did not call into question our relationship (but I'd prefer they didn't feel all guilty and have to unburden themselves on me - one should deal with the consequences of one's own actions)
- if my SO spends all their time masturbating, such that they have no energy or desire to sleep with me, then I would feel betrayed
- if my SO spends all their time on the computer when I would prefer they were having sex with me, then they might as well be cheating (doesn't matter if they're cybering, chatting about bonsais or writing code)
- if my SO refuses my sexual advances, refuses to talk about it amongst ourselves, refuses to go to counselling or talk about it at counselling, they are taking something away from me (doesn't matter if they are refusing because they're having sex with someone else or simply because they're not interested)
- and on a related but non-sexual note, if my SO says they've been paying off the car loan for the last x years and I have been paying the mortgage all this time instead of splitting it, and then I find out they weren't paying at all, that would also be a betrayal - not because I didn't know about it, but because they took something from me

My feeling therefore is that any ongoing sexual relationship with someone other than your SO deprives your SO of something. It may not be sex, (if your SO isn't interested, for example), but you can't have an ongoing relationship without getting somewhat emotionally involved, even if you never become emotionally committed.

Similarly, a partner who no longer wants to have sex is shutting themselves off emotionally, at least partially, because they are ignoring the hurt they are causing their SO.

Of course, some might say two wrongs don't make a right, but that is for the couple to work out themselves in their own consciences as to what they want and are prepared to accept.