Dear Clowns

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

Do you know why I am so flipping overweight? It's the fucking cookies and milk. Always with the cookies and milk. At every fucking house on my delivery route??? Jeeebus. And if I don't eat them there's hell to pay. Oh sure, I share them with the animals I work with, but they can't get their jobs done unless they're in tip top shape.

Do you think I can just have a little variety every once in a while? A ham sammich? A shot of scotch? Nooooooo....

The missus has me on a diet and I can't get any action at home unless I lose this baby fat. And you know what they say about me...I only come once a year. So, I have to make it a good one.

I need some advice. I don't want to hurt the little bastards feelings.

Nick

This is how I feel about you and your "little operation" up north:

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=36083671&postcount=1352

Now if you want to change your perception with me I suggest you start doing a few things. If you have to eat all of those cookies and drink all of that milk then I suggest you start fasting around April.

If fasting isn't an option might I suggest another trick. Bring a dog with you. It worked for me when I was a kid and didn't want to eat my veggies. Since everyone will be asleep when you you shimmy your fat ass through the smallest entry in the house possible just bring the dog with you to help you with the goodies.

On a side note why don't you cozy up next to a robbr or gang banger for a few days. They can teach you the quickest and easiest way to gain entry into any type of house. That might cut your trip in half instead of having to squeeze your way down a chimne. Speaking of which what if they don't have a chimney in their house? What do you do then?

So bottom line is you need to start treating your employees better. I think my doing that it might start to change your attitude a bit. They can then help you stay the course when it comes to your dietary regemine prior to your 1 work day a year.

Then a slimmer happier Nick can shove his rosy red pecker into Mrs. Claus when he gets back home. Take a tip from someone who learned recently. Make sure she uses an enema first.

Good Luck.

Oh and Santa fuck you for never giving me that bike I always wanted....

 

[IhateClowns]

*sits back and admires his handiwork. Amazed that all of the money spent on Dr.s visits that the people of lit spent when all they had to do was ask dear old IHC. Looks like everyone is fixed. For the first time in a long time I can now say I have appointments available for consultations*

 

[sombrablanca]

How should one deal with a guilt tripping grandmother who can't admit to herself it really is time to go to a nursing home? Also on a (I think) related note, how did Cheese gain a religious following?

 

[BradBigBrain]

Dear Clowns,

I'm sick of everyone saying Happy Holiday...what do you think of randomizing greetings to people at this time? Just pick a holiday any holiday and make it a nice little happy greeting. Happy Hanukkah to someone, then Happy Easter or Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas to someone else, then Happy Ramadan to the next person, then Happy Kwanzaa, Good Columbus day, God Bless on this MLK day, etc. etc.

They're all holidays aren't they? Think this could catch on?

Happy Presidents Day!
<signed>Sick of PC

 

[IhateClowns]

How should one deal with a guilt tripping grandmother who can't admit to herself it really is time to go to a nursing home? Also on a (I think) related note, how did Cheese gain a religious following?

If you are planning on doing anything to dear old Granny I suggest you do it in the next 10 days. That is if you stand to get an inheritance of any kind. This new estate tax for the dearly departed is just brutal.

My grandparents are gone now. My guess is up to heaven where my Grandma is making my grandpa martinis and my Grandpa is holding his nutsack, betting on imaginary horses and pinching the asses of young ladies that walk by. If they were still alive I would have had second thoughts every time they were at the top of a long staircase. A quick trip or push and bye bye you and hello inheritance.

Now they are in denial they need a nursing home? Do they live with you? If not then turn up their heat really high right before you leave their place. Make sure there is no water in the place and the phone lones are cut. Let's be honest people that old can't work a cell phone. So make sure you cut the lines.

If they live with you then first off I am sorry. I feel for you. Just sprinkle some crushed glass into their oatmeal in the mornings. Tell them it is fiber. Just a little bit though. They will bleed internally in no time. Then you can have your socks and underwear back. You can light candles safely and you don't have to watch TV with the sound turned up so high the neighbors complain.

As for Cheese, fuck cheese. I don't like cheese. Can't stand the taste or the smell of cheese so anyone that worships cheese first needs to hug someone and make a friend and second realize they are worshipping the Anti-Christ. That's right I said it. Velveeta is the Anti-Christ.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I'm sick of everyone saying Happy Holiday...what do you think of randomizing greetings to people at this time? Just pick a holiday any holiday and make it a nice little happy greeting. Happy Hanukkah to someone, then Happy Easter or Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas to someone else, then Happy Ramadan to the next person, then Happy Kwanzaa, Good Columbus day, God Bless on this MLK day, etc. etc.

They're all holidays aren't they? Think this could catch on?

Happy Presidents Day!
<signed>Sick of PC

I just did a rant on this PC bullshit earlier today on my rants and rambles thread. To put it in a nutshell. I hate happy holidays. Just say Merry Christmas. I am tired of the US slowly becoming more and more pussified. I am tired of watching what I have to say in hopes of not offending some overly emotional sap who wasn't hugged enough as a kid.

 

[NorthernPA4U]

Dear Clowns,

Why don't more holiday traditions include clowns? This has mystified me for a long time, and my cat just looks at me blankly when I bring up the topic.

I should think more people would enjoy baking Christmas cookies if they had someone around with a bulbous red nose, just for one example. But my sisters don't seem to be able to comprehend any of the points I make that would lead to increased holiday cheer. Let's face it, clowns are KNOWN for cheering people up.

Signed,
Too much time on his hands

 

[kendra1980]

I just did a rant on this PC bullshit earlier today on my rants and rambles thread. To put it in a nutshell. I hate happy holidays. Just say Merry Christmas. I am tired of the US slowly becoming more and more pussified. I am tired of watching what I have to say in hopes of not offending some overly emotional sap who wasn't hugged enough as a kid.

*LIKE

 

[sunshinegirl05]

*LIKE

me too. lol

 

[kendra1980]

me too. lol

Hey sunshine...can you come over and play ?


I've lots of snow, and you only live what...3 hours or so away???

 

[sunshinegirl05]

Hey sunshine...can you come over and play ?


I've lots of snow, and you only live what...3 hours or so away???

I hate snow. BUT I would come over and play b/c it's you!!!!!!!

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

Why don't more holiday traditions include clowns? This has mystified me for a long time, and my cat just looks at me blankly when I bring up the topic.

I should think more people would enjoy baking Christmas cookies if they had someone around with a bulbous red nose, just for one example. But my sisters don't seem to be able to comprehend any of the points I make that would lead to increased holiday cheer. Let's face it, clowns are KNOWN for cheering people up.

Signed,
Too much time on his hands

Dear hurtful,

Is tat what you are trying to do? Hurt me? More clowns huh? I am waiting for someone to yell Baba Booey at any moment. What on earth do you need more clowns for? I hate cats but I am starting to like yours more and more. We don't need creepy kid touchers at any and every event.

If you want a balloon animal then I say you need help. What the fuck are you going to do with a balloon animal? You watch some sex offender wrap and bend a balloon into a dog. You say ooo and ahhhh for about 3 minjutes then you are trying to talk yourself out of carrying the damn thing the rest of the time you are walking around.

You want clowns go to McDonalds there is a big plastic one with a huge smile begging for you to come sit on his lap. Why do you need to sit on his lap? Aren't you there for a burger and fries? Plus he wants to know your address name and phone so in case you get lost he can bring you home. Ronnie isn't going to bring you home. He is going to touch your backside while asking you to stand still for the camera.

fuck clowns

 

[IhateClowns]

*LIKE

Sad but true

 

[NorthernPA4U]

Dear hurtful,

Is tat what you are trying to do? Hurt me? More clowns huh? I am waiting for someone to yell Baba Booey at any moment. What on earth do you need more clowns for? I hate cats but I am starting to like yours more and more. We don't need creepy kid touchers at any and every event.

If you want a balloon animal then I say you need help. What the fuck are you going to do with a balloon animal? You watch some sex offender wrap and bend a balloon into a dog. You say ooo and ahhhh for about 3 minjutes then you are trying to talk yourself out of carrying the damn thing the rest of the time you are walking around.

You want clowns go to McDonalds there is a big plastic one with a huge smile begging for you to come sit on his lap. Why do you need to sit on his lap? Aren't you there for a burger and fries? Plus he wants to know your address name and phone so in case you get lost he can bring you home. Ronnie isn't going to bring you home. He is going to touch your backside while asking you to stand still for the camera.

fuck clowns

So, I am just guessing from this that you are on the anti-holiday-clowns bandwagon, or am I misreading this?

 

[IhateClowns]

So, I am just guessing from this that you are on the anti-holiday-clowns bandwagon, or am I misreading this?

I did skirt the issue a bit didn't I...Let me make it more clear for you. I love clowns...I want them at everythig possible.

 

[NorthernPA4U]

I did skirt the issue a bit didn't I...Let me make it more clear for you. I love clowns...I want them at everythig possible.

Thanks for clearing things up.

This has been helpful. I may be back with more questions later.

 

[IhateClowns]

Thanks for clearing things up.

This has been helpful. I may be back with more questions later.

I really hope so...I have my degree from Devry Institute of Technology so I am adequetly knowledged in psychiatry and bullshiting

 

[IhateClowns]

I hate snow. BUT I would come over and play b/c it's you!!!!!!!

Living in the wrong part of the country if you don't like snow....

 

[Morrigu]

I did skirt the issue a bit didn't I...Let me make it more clear for you. I love clowns...I want them at everythig possible.

Dear Clowns,

Will your next AV be of you in a skirt?

Yours,

Anticipatory

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

Will your next AV be of you in a skirt?

Yours,

Anticipatory

Dear anticipating,

Are you knocking the onesie? Surely you are not knocking the one piece that oozes masculinity and sexual prowess like the buttflap onesie....

 

[Morrigu]

Dear anticipating,

Are you knocking the onesie? Surely you are not knocking the one piece that oozes masculinity and sexual prowess like the buttflap onesie....

Dear Draught-included Onesie Wearer,

I wouldn't dare knock on your butt-flap, well unless you were wearing it back to front. Do you think this is where the phrase 'knock on wood' originated?

Still waiting for the skirt

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Draught-included Onesie Wearer,

I wouldn't dare knock on your butt-flap, well unless you were wearing it back to front. Do you think this is where the phrase 'knock on wood' originated?

Still waiting for the skirt

No that phrase happened when the first cave man went to take a piss the morning after all night sex. He woke up with a ahrd-on and when he started pissed it went over like a sprinkle. He punched it a bunch of times to get it down and it finaly worked. So he told his friends to make sure they knock on wood before taking their morning piss. It just stuck after that.

 

[Morrigu]

No that phrase happened when the first cave man went to take a piss the morning after all night sex. He woke up with a ahrd-on and when he started pissed it went over like a sprinkle. He punched it a bunch of times to get it down and it finaly worked. So he told his friends to make sure they knock on wood before taking their morning piss. It just stuck after that.

You're so much more illuminating than Wiki

 

[IhateClowns]

You're so much more illuminating than Wiki

Yeah I am thinking of suing them for copyright infringment..I just don't have a copyright

 

[sunshinegirl05]

Living in the wrong part of the country if you don't like snow....

You are telling me!!!!!