Dear Clowns

[BradBigBrain]

Dear Singular sensation,

You stumped me on this one. I suppose it is because whoever came up with the English language was in a very high state of mind, otherwise two moose would be called meese. We as English speaking citizens wonder why we are looked down upon. It isn't because we invade other countries at will, it is because we are so pompous our language only makes sense to us.

Live, Live
tough, rough, enough, through
I before E except after C

I mean come on. No wonder I have always been better at math.

Dear Clowns:

I am perplexed as well.

If the plural of ox is oxen, why isn't the plural of fox foxen?
If the plural of brother can be brethren, why can't the plural of mother be methren?

Spelcheker

 

[BradBigBrain]

Dear Mickey,

First off you have to understand that Goofy is hung and well since you don't like to fuck doggy style she needed to go straight to the source. You also have to understand your wife's frustrations. She is always playing second fiddle to you and well since the feminist movement kicked into high gear, well she has been searching on the internet and becoming more and more empowered with the information she is reading.

Also a woman needs a mans man. Not someone who's voice is so high pitched everytime he talks her twat shrivels and dries up. Not to mention the shrieking that comes out of your mouth is so high pitched it attracts bats and most women are afraid of bats.

Now please realize as tough as this might be that one of your best friends is a psychotic duck with a serious temper tantrum. Who wanst to be seen with someone like that? She surely doesn't. He wonders around town with no pants and a sailor shirt and hat on for goodness sakes and well that is just creepy.

Now as for your bes friend Goofy can you blame a brother. Look at him. He is well Goofy. A serious over bite, floppy ears, very gangly. Can you blame him when your wife comes onto him? He probably hasn't gotten laid in forever and well when she craves doggy style that is right up his alley.

There is one problem though. Rumor is she is smearing peanut butter all over her coochie because she hears dogs like that. Please let her know that Goofy is ready to go and because he doesn't know any better he just assumes that your wife is a Jiffy sponsor and under contract to use that stuff.

I am sorry I cannot bail you out. I cannot blame a female mouse for trying to get some canine loving. Especially when her spouse's ears are larger than his cock.

Wow. I'd like to say thanks for your help, but brutal honesty is so hard.

Can I help it I have big ears? And of course they're bigger than my penis. However, research has shown that relative to the size of my body, my penis is the longest of any species!

The relatively longest penis bone to the body size was encountered in the Western harvest mouse, Reithrodontomys megalotis.

Can I help it my bitchy ex-wife wants to be a real bitch? Or that she's a size queen? Bigger and bigger, more and more, harder and harder? Pretty soon she'll be my friend Flicka's BFF.

Can I help it my equally as famous mercurial duck friend has weird dress habits? He's a big star. How many ho's break off the marriage because of fucked up friends? We all have one, don't we?

Oh and this voice? It's the voice that made me famous...and let's her live the whore life style to begin with. So, at the top of my lungs, "FUCK HER." I hope that seriously fucked up Goofy's more prodigious ears.

 

[IhateClowns]

Wow. I'd like to say thanks for your help, but brutal honesty is so hard.

Can I help it I have big ears? And of course they're bigger than my penis. However, research has shown that relative to the size of my body, my penis is the longest of any species!



Can I help it my bitchy ex-wife wants to be a real bitch? Or that she's a size queen? Bigger and bigger, more and more, harder and harder? Pretty soon she'll be my friend Flicka's BFF.

Can I help it my equally as famous mercurial duck friend has weird dress habits? He's a big star. How many ho's break off the marriage because of fucked up friends? We all have one, don't we?

Oh and this voice? It's the voice that made me famous...and let's her live the whore life style to begin with. So, at the top of my lungs, "FUCK HER." I hope that seriously fucked up Goofy's more prodigious ears.

A people wonder why everyone hates us

 

[IhateClowns]

My Minx fur lined Chaisse Lounge is ready for my next patient. Please realize that I charge by the minute for my professional advice. As you can see from the questions prior to this post I have clearly healed them all since they don't ask questions anymore. If you are in need of psychiatric help please post or call 1-900-IHC-HELP....

 

[goodgurlgetsbad]

My Minx fur lined Chaisse Lounge is ready for my next patient. Please realize that I charge by the minute for my professional advice. As you can see from the questions prior to this post I have clearly healed them all since they don't ask questions anymore. If you are in need of psychiatric help please post or call 1-900-IHC-HELP....

Idid dial that 900 number - I heard sexy heavy breathing !!!

 

[IhateClowns]

Idid dial that 900 number - I heard sexy heavy breathing !!!

Sorry my cell phone and I had just done 3 sit-ups.....Trying to get back into shape.....

 

[goodgurlgetsbad]

Sorry my cell phone and I had just done 3 sit-ups.....Trying to get back into shape.....

uh huhhh , I'll ring again,, and again,,,, its kinda therapeutic to me

 

[availableslave2u]

dear clowns,
my mom seems to think that we need to have every light on in the house. i'm afraid airplanes will start landing here soon. any suggestions?
signed,
getting a tan in the front room

 

[IhateClowns]

dear clowns,
my mom seems to think that we need to have every light on in the house. i'm afraid airplanes will start landing here soon. any suggestions?
signed,
getting a tan in the front room

Dear gotta wear shades at night,

My suggestion is to buy a disposable toilet and a mini fridge and put it in her bedroom. There she has everything she needs and she can keep the light on for as long as she wishes. There is no reason to have every light on in the house. That is why switches were invented. To flip them on and off as you move locations. It just goes to show was a lazy generation the baby boomers truly were.

Sure they all complain about todays youth and how lazy they are but why is it that the elderly can't ever finish their food? They only eat a half of it at the very most. You look at thir plate when they are finished at they have eaten 3 bites of ham, 4 green peas and 5 pieces of bread. They never eat the healthy stuff but they sure as hell can down the carbs. Why don't they eat all of their food? Because they are lazy.

Why does my neighbor wear the same damn light blue colored jumper day in and day out (I am jealous of that by the way)? Because he is too damn lazy to put on something else. Instead he would rather move at a snails pace as the wind whips against his Dickies. It shouldn't take someone 30 minutes to go get their mail. Why does it take so long? Because he is lazy. I don't care if he is 85 years old, bottomline is he is too damn lazy to change his look from time to time.

Why are all the lights on in the house? Because they are too damn lazy to flip them on and off. It requires them to look for their glasses since they can't see the switch. So they spend 20 minutes scuffling back and forth between the living room and kitchen looking for their spectacles only to find that they have been hanging around their neck the entire time.

The elderly are just lazy. They have brainwashed into believing we need to help them across the street, reach fro something at the grocery store or give them the right of way as they swerve back and forth across 3 lanes of traffic going 25 miles below the speed limit. Don't tell me they can't drive the speed limit. That is bull shit. You would think people that got around by horses would know what horse power is. Step on the gas grannie.

So next time grannie tells you that she walked uphill both ways to school growing up, or tha they didn't have TV or the toys that we hav now, tell her to hush and prove how sprightly she is by turning off the damn lights from time to time.

 

[Mrs.H]

To my dearest pimp daddy clown man,

Where in the hell do they find guests for the Maury and Jerry Springer Shows?

Can you hold me? I'm scared.

Signed tv challenged

 

[Rosemaryythyme]

Dear Clowns,
I've been watching the TV Show Bridal Plasty. Where brides compete to get plastic surgery and their dream wedding. I'm personally terrified of the idea of plastic surgery, but.....

I want a mans point of view on the idea of plastic surgery from head to toe + big wedding.

Yours Truly,
Very scared-

 

[IhateClowns]

To my dearest pimp daddy clown man,

Where in the hell do they find guests for the Maury and Jerry Springer Shows?

Can you hold me? I'm scared.

Signed tv challenged

Dear challenged,

Maury just stands outside of urban paternity clinics and can snatch up as many Marquiz "You are NOT the father of baby Secretia" then he stands up points down at the Bitch calls her a Ho and starts gryrating to the audience while Shanequa waddles quickly off stage as Maury chases after her. Finally calming her down and bribing her back up on the stage with a hoagie sandwich. I suppose anyone could use a hoagie sandwich every now and then. So I suppose I might be stereotyping. Silly me.

As for Jerry his casting is a bit more difficult. I think first you have to hire a storm chaser. That way they can track the tornados and just follow them right into the double wides. There you can get plenty of food stained tank top wearing folks. Then you mix in some midget wrestlers and Jim Beam and well you have a "She fucked my best friends midget brother" show while HeeHaw watching folks chant the only word they are allowed to say on the show Jerry!

That's just a guess though......

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,
I've been watching the TV Show Bridal Plasty. Where brides compete to get plastic surgery and their dream wedding. I'm personally terrified of the idea of plastic surgery, but.....

I want a mans point of view on the idea of plastic surgery from head to toe + big wedding.

Yours Truly,
Very scared-

Dear Scared,

We don't care about the wedding and well if someone has proposed to you then you don't need plastic surgery as he loves you for the way you look. For some reason most women have a hard time accepting that their man loves them for the way they are. Not they way they are going to be with an upright nose and nipples pointing at their forehead. Plus if you get plastic surgery that means we have to start taking care of our own bodies. Fuck that we would rather lay on the couch and watch TV then do a crunch.

 

[Mrs.H]

Dear challenged,

Maury just stands outside of urban paternity clinics and can snatch up as many Marquiz "You are NOT the father of baby Secretia" then he stands up points down at the Bitch calls her a Ho and starts gryrating to the audience while Shanequa waddles quickly off stage as Maury chases after her. Finally calming her down and bribing her back up on the stage with a hoagie sandwich. I suppose anyone could use a hoagie sandwich every now and then. So I suppose I might be stereotyping. Silly me.

As for Jerry his casting is a bit more difficult. I think first you have to hire a storm chaser. That way they can track the tornados and just follow them right into the double wides. There you can get plenty of food stained tank top wearing folks. Then you mix in some midget wrestlers and Jim Beam and well you have a "She fucked my best friends midget brother" show while HeeHaw watching folks chant the only word they are allowed to say on the show Jerry!

That's just a guess though......

Your knowledge is overwhelming. If you ask nice, I'll show you my Jerry beads.

 

[IhateClowns]

Your knowledge is overwhelming. If you ask nice, I'll show you my Jerry beads.

Can I pull the string? I mean....ummm

 

[Mrs.H]

Can I pull the string? I mean....ummm

They are around my neck so.... sure, if you want to.

 

[IhateClowns]

They are around my neck so.... sure, if you want to.

Of course they are I wouldn't expect anything else from a classy lady such as yourself.

 

[Rosemaryythyme]

Dear Scared,

We don't care about the wedding and well if someone has proposed to you then you don't need plastic surgery as he loves you for the way you look. For some reason most women have a hard time accepting that their man loves them for the way they are. Not they way they are going to be with an upright nose and nipples pointing at their forehead. Plus if you get plastic surgery that means we have to start taking care of our own bodies. Fuck that we would rather lay on the couch and watch TV then do a crunch.

i feel so enlightened as always when you solve my latest dilemma

 

[IhateClowns]

i feel so enlightened as always when you solve my latest dilemma

That is why I do what I do here. To help, enlighten, and most of all save. It's in my DNA.

 

[IhateClowns]

i feel so enlightened as always when you solve my latest dilemma

Can you make the check payable to I.H. Clowns. The Clowns is plural make sure of that please.

 

[BradBigBrain]

Dear Clowns,

Do you know why I am so flipping overweight? It's the fucking cookies and milk. Always with the cookies and milk. At every fucking house on my delivery route??? Jeeebus. And if I don't eat them there's hell to pay. Oh sure, I share them with the animals I work with, but they can't get their jobs done unless they're in tip top shape.

Do you think I can just have a little variety every once in a while? A ham sammich? A shot of scotch? Nooooooo....

The missus has me on a diet and I can't get any action at home unless I lose this baby fat. And you know what they say about me...I only come once a year. So, I have to make it a good one.

I need some advice. I don't want to hurt the little bastards feelings.

Nick

 

[Mrs.H]

Dear Clowns,

Do you know why I am so flipping overweight? It's the fucking cookies and milk. Always with the cookies and milk. At every fucking house on my delivery route??? Jeeebus. And if I don't eat them there's hell to pay. Oh sure, I share them with the animals I work with, but they can't get their jobs done unless they're in tip top shape.

Do you think I can just have a little variety every once in a while? A ham sammich? A shot of scotch? Nooooooo....

The missus has me on a diet and I can't get any action at home unless I lose this baby fat. And you know what they say about me...I only come once a year. So, I have to make it a good one.

I need some advice. I don't want to hurt the little bastards feelings.

Nick

*jumping up and down*

Santa, you are real!!!!!!

 

[BradBigBrain]

*jumping up and down*

Santa, you are real!!!!!!

Of course I'm real. why do you think more babies are born in August than in any other month?

 

[Mrs.H]

Of course I'm real. why do you think more babies are born in August than in any other month?

Naughty Santa Claus!!

Ok, psst? My room is at the top of the stairs, to the right, at the
end of the hallway.

 

[BradBigBrain]

Naughty Santa Claus!!

Ok, psst? My room is at the top of the stairs, to the right, at the
end of the hallway.

I know that! I keep a list of those who are naughty and nice and I keep track of where all the naughty girls are.