dating?

[Guest]

lovechild27
well now i know why the nature of your posts is so.. well lets just call it agressive.

well what you describe was propably very traumatic for you but in most likely sircumstances very short term trauma by comparison...
I dotn want to down play your experiences in any way but mine are a bit different.

think of a situation where you abusive "bf" had beaten you over the head with that quitar while playing some specific song repeatedly. If you were to hear that song today would you not be reminded of the situations you were in while the song was palyed in the past.. hence possibly resulting in you disliking that song. Or perhaps you associated the pain from that abuse with somehting other than the quitar perhaps it was his cologne/ lack there of... etc...

as to your rape situation... i dont suppose anyone tried to tell you up to your face that you were responcible for the pain you endured during those ordeals?
Just wanted to point it out since thats what some of you have been going on about to me.... in comparison.

sorry to hear about your experiences but still just to make a point out of it.

I personally havew gone trough year and years of abusive hell becuase of sertain "conservative" religious individuals and
other "party hearty" types and i would rather not be reminded of all of those year of pain and suffering i went trough.
As to me being responcible for having have had involved my self with those people.... much like your rape situation i had no choice... and having had been a child at the time i had even less of a possibility to avoid those situations and people involved.

Nothing against the individuals i just dont want to be remined of all the pain in my life and in the past which i do tend to associate in a small way to some of the behavior models which they uphold and enjoy.
I do take responcibility for my actions and realities these days but in the past as a child that was not really up to me to decide upon.

Here is a question for you then... if your lover wanted to "Act out" a role play situation that involved rape... would you go for it?
I doubt it.

 

[Quimmy]

Now, now, don't get too personal there. This is just a message board. That is some touchy ground you're treading.

I know it's a tiny issue, but your fear of germs is a bit of a problem. Women do like a man with good hygiene, yes, but there is a line where this becomes unattractive. And I think avoiding public places because of germs is on the unattractive side of that line.

I think you just need to lighten up, don't sweat the details so much, don't overanalyze and be open and honest. If you're getting phone numbers, that's good, but either you're losing interest or they are (or more likely a combination of both). Show your true self and bring up an interesting hobby of yours. Maybe some people will lose interest right away, but at least you'll catch the attention of someone interested, eventually. It's better than trying to be sober, sterile and downright boring to everyone you meet.

Like someone said, you might catch e. coli, but hey, maybe you'll meet the girl of your dreams in the emergency ward. A beautiful, germ-free atheist.

 

[Guest]

quimmy

i dont avoid public places... just the ones where people have a chance to smear residual fecal, etc matter on everything...

but you do have to admit that the lack of good hygeine in this country is a bit scary... its just common courtesy to wash your hands after going to the bathroom so why is it so difficult to take 20 seconds of time to do so.

as to the threading on thin ice.. like i said i feel sympathy for her trauma but it was easier to try to relate her experiences to new situations so that i might be able to explain my experiences and realities to her.

by the way e.coli is everywhere... and only a few strains of it are dangerous as such id be more worried about all of the other stuff
that out there.


There is one thing i do know... considering the curent popular culture etc... its just like one of the earlier posts indicated....
id be more likely to be hit by lightning in the same spot twice while stuff came out of my ass doing the what not dance...
then im to find the kind of a lady im looking for.

 

[lovechild27]

Your trying to tell me that being raped is a short term trauma?
YOu dont have a fucking clue as to what your talking about.
Ask any woman who has been raped, and even if it is 50 years after, they will tell you it is STILL fresh in their memory and it hurts. And yes...I was told it was my fault. Thanks for asking though.


I think you need to quit wallowing in your own self pity. I dont know one single person who hasnt had a rough time somewhere in their past.

If I could meet you I think I would do physical harm to you.

Many people who are religous arent assholes about it.


I am not agressive...I am blunt.

 

[lovechild27]

I wouldnt let my lover act a rape scene with me sexually even if I wasnt raped. It is degrading and sick.

 

[peachykeen]

dud it is quite clear that you are deliberately looking to find fault with the women you meet. You are not going to them with an open mind and open heart thinking, "I wonder what this person will have to share with me and could contribute to my life." Rather you are approaching eveyone with a checklist oh what they should and shoould not bee and if she is not falling into your narrow definition of 'acceptable', you have another list of 100 reasons why she is not good enough.

I really think you may need some counseling. I'm not saying that to be mean. You ask if it is wrong to avoid people who remind you of other types of people who bring up painful memories. Surely you realize you are excluding a whole lot of people from your life who have actually done nothing to you? You want to stay inside a nice cushy comfort zone where you will not have to deal with your past. Guess what - UNTIL you deal with your past (really, really deal with it) it will ALWAYS be casting a shadow on your future. And the thing is, dealing with a traumatic past is a painful thing, that requires you to do real emotional work! It will kind of suck for a while! But what you get on the other side is peace of mind. I suspect you have a lot of trouble accepting other people as they are, because you are having a hard time deep inside accepting who YOU are.

Try on this concept for size: every person in the world is holding up a mirror to you. Often what we see in others that makes us angry, upset, uncomfortable, etc does so because it is something we fear or try to deny in ourselves.

 

[Guest]

lovechild27

i was trying to say that your experiences are not short term trauma even though such things as the act of rape are momentary when compared to lets say the abuse from you ex boyfriend.
I was editing the text before so i might have accidentaly taken a paragraph out from the first post. Sorry if you misunderstood.

But other than that you got my point.

peachykeen

actually my list is only about 5 items long and even then i try to look for the "good" in people.
As to friendships i have no real categorisation.. i do avoid the situations where a "friend" might go on and practice their religion, use drugs scuh as alcohols.. and so on forth.
Nothing against the person.. just the things they take part in.

as to the cushy comforotable personal space comment...
well not really considering that i face my past every single time i turn on the TV and see the "programming" they offer or a bunch of comercials. i try to look for new friends constantly but unfortunately the only kinds of people out there are the ones whom do not have antyhing interesting about them or they remind me of the pain in my life.
as to faults in my self ... i know there are quite a few and i try to "fix"/ deal with the ones i can find but when noone is there to tell you what other items you need to improveupon its not really
effective.
As to the future " go to a councelor" commentary to that.. all i can say is that ive tried it and that it did not work.
the only advice they gave me was the same crap i had my self discovered years eralier. plus the constant "how does that make you feel" was quite agrovating.
Questions like that go to show a lack of skill, knowledge and training in a councelor when its the only question they ask.
Not to mention the lack of interpretation skills when it comes to people and their facial expressions. (not good in a councelor)

 

[Guest]

I forgot to mention one thing before...

i have yet to meet any one individual whom would chooce to spend time with me rather than go out and party.
Meaning that im always placed second to the bottle.
(thats with people whom i had considered close to me such as various family members)

So how would a friendship/ relationship with such an individual work to begin with? Reference to abusive bf/ gf situations which any intelligent individual learns to avoid from either wathcin others or from their own experiences.

 

[Quimmy]

Have you ever considered going out to party yourself? You make it sound like a night of fun and dance equates alcoholism which it doesn't. Cindy Lauper wasn't totally off the mark when she said "Girls just wanna have fun."

Maybe you should just come to terms with the fact that you'll never get a girlfriend and join a Nepalese monkhood or something. You seem to find something negative with every positive suggestion that comes up. That's not a good sign...

 

[lovechild27]

I have been to bad therapists too. Just because you try once doesnt mean you give up.


Give people more of a chance. Not everyone who goes to clubs are bad. Not all people who hav a drink or two on the weekends is a horrible person. If you want to meet people who are intellectually stimulating, try taking college courses if your not already.


Or like Quimmy said...you could go be a monk.

 

[Guest]

well like i said before im taking college classes and ive been doing so for wuite a while... im studying for a degree.

Like i said before i dont judge the person.. i just avoid the situations where they behave in sertain ways.

As to the therapist thing.. well ive been to 3 or 4 of them that
were exactly as i described.
Ive been studying psychology me self so i understand the underlying problems etc behind my behavior and experiences.
Hence i can "fix"/ deal with them.

Most of the people even in those clases are incredibly intelectually nonchallenging.
earlier i described how only about 3 or so of the women i have met so far could backup their claim of being intelligent.. well with guys its an even lower number of 1 or 2. (hormones and cultural programming thing as a cause for that)

Nothing anyone can do to change that at this moment in time but
i just wanted to point out that ive tried that too.. and i still do it just in case.

More to the extent of what im also wondering is that is there a "gathering place" for people like me whom belong to an extreme minority in this world of ours. (im not talking about asylums or anything like that)

By the way becoming a "monk" would require quite a bit of latent homosexual tendecies and denial.... which i dont really see my self as having.
That was not to insult anyone but rather to point out why some of they other guys became "priests". If you want to refer to some of the recent news articles and church policies agains homosexuals in general.... youl get my point.



(joking.. some psychology based humor though)

 

[Guest]

oh and i forgot t mention.. when i say drink and party i mean the kind of behavior where the amount of alcohol enjoyed inhibits rational thought and behavior.
So as an example i for one could never watch or associate with someone whom can be seen in one of those "girls gone wild" videos they advertised on the tele a while back.
(or even someone whom acts like that)

 

[capricious_chic]

Is english a second language to you?

Because I am having a hard time with your spelling, grammar, and syntax. Such would indicate that this is not your first language, or low intelligence.

How long have you been studying pyschology? Because unless you are post-doctorate, you have absolutely NO IDEA what is hidden deep w/in the pysche! Doctor's can rarely heal themselves, and neither can you with your psych 101 pyscho-babble. You realize that most people who go into pyschology do so because of previous "life" traumas, or to better understand either themselves or others.

The vibe I think we are all getting is that you have NO social skills whatsoever. I may be wrong, but that is way it appears to me.

You can barely interact with people on a BB and not irritate and aggrevate them.

So I stand firm, the problem is with YOU. You do not have enough life skills, and social skills to form a geniune relationship with others. Your expectations are out of reach. You are judgemental, and paranoid.

You are NOT in an extreme minority, only one of YOUR own making. It is YOUR choice to change YOUR situation.

I am NOT trying to be mean, but you discard many well-meaning people who are only trying to HELP you. You will NOT listen to what others say, as YOU are too fixated with your OWN beliefs to understand that YOU may be WRONG. Until such a time, that you actually reflect and try to learn some social skills, you will most likely remain alone. That is why NO ONE choses to spend time with YOU. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

This is getting old, and repetitive.

 

[Guest]

Quimmy
i have gone to parties.. but the best i got out of that was getting laughed at, assaulted and to top it all off ignored by anyone i tried to talk to.
then there is the factor of trying to have a conversation with someone when the music level goes to apriximately 110 desibels
which quite franktly makes it impossible.

I know that "girls just want to have fun".. but the thing of it is how many girls do you know of that consider palnting stuff in the local community garden as being fun.

capricious_chic

all i can say to you is that you assume way too much...

and since its all repetitive with you... go on and read on again a couple of my posts and maybe youll get the picture im trying to paint.
as to my writing style.... well just because i dont care does not mean that i cant deliver.

but sinc eyour so assumptive (though well meaning) ill ask you a question... how well do you fit in to the category of people i have described as the ones i try to avoid?
(its a rhetoric question so no need to answer because predictably your reply will most likely simply state that you behave nothing like them)

 

[capricious_chic]

I base my "assumptions" on your posts. As do all people that are reading and replying to posts on a PUBLIC BB forum.

I don't need to "try" to see the picture you are trying to paint.. I am positive I have you pegged correctely. Your post's are poorly written, poorly thought out, and aggressive to all those that have tried to only help you. You are too lazy to put any effort into your posts, and too lazy to try and effectively seek solutions to YOUR problems.. Much easier to blame everyone else for YOUR shortcomings. You act as if you are exasperated with those around you, yet you never realize that those around you are much more exasperated by you and your seemingly morose posts.

What would you like to know specifically?

Am I religious - No. I am not affiliated with any organized religion.

Do I do drugs - No.

Do I partake of alcohol - Not on a regular basis, but I have indulged. At times, to an extent that rational thought was a thing of the past... in a "safe" setting, with people that I trusted around.

Would I be on a girls gone wild vid - Perhaps, at my core I am an exhibitionist.

Have I ever used another person- Yes.

Would I chose a "party" over the companionship of someone with whom I was in a relationship with - Depends. Anyone I would chose to be in a relationship with would have to be confident, and secure enough to realize that we are a couple together.. but two individuals with different needs at different times. More often than not, I would chose to spend time with my partner.. as I truly enjoy that.. otherwise I would not be with him. (hint..hint)

Am I intelligent - More so that I would ever let on. Scarily intelligent with a big heaping dose street smarts.


Another other questions?


BTW...

rhetoric: the art of speaking or writing effectively: as a : the study of principles and rules of composition formulated by critics of ancient times b : the study of writing or speaking as a means of communication or persuasion.


Perhaps you meant...

rhetorical: employed for rhetorical effect; especially : asked merely for effect with no answer expected <a rhetorical question>

 

[lovechild27]

I am planning on becoming a shrink. I can tell you right now you have no understanding of people at all.

Some people drink to fit in. Some drink to forget their problems. Some do it because they like it. Have you ever asked any of these drunks why they drink so heavily? The answere may surprise you.

And what the hell does they couldnt back up their intelligence mean? They werent spouting theories? They liked to let loose and have fun?

You are serisouly the most uptight guy I think I have ever seen. Other people arent the problem. You need to deal with yourself. A lot of college kids do drink...but not all of them. Not every person who does have fun at parties is cheap. You dont want help. You want people to whine to.

 

[peachykeen]

I just soooooooo give up here. This guy doesn't want advice. He just wants to be righteous.

 

[gohanman9]

I was wondering if you could give me some advise on how to meet and start a dating experience. I'm a single white male, 27 years old, and never been on a date in my adult life. I did go on dates when I was a teenager and my first date was at age five in kindergarden. So, how do I meet women in this decade whom would like to go on a date with me? Any advice would be helpful, thanks.

 

[Cyc]

Will gohanman9 save the thread..?

Alright, maybe this thread can be redeemed after all (it was getting a bit vexing)!
Will you say anything else about why you haven't dated gohanman9? I'm not prying, but it'd probably help for advice.

Without knowing anything more, I'd suggest going on a number of "throwaway" dates - don't expect anything from them other than perhaps an enjoyable evening or two (not in *that* way - honestly, you'd think this was an erotica board or something. Oh... wait a moment... ). Anyway, the idea would be to just use them to build your confidence back up after so long without dating.

The thing is, I guess a single date might seem like a big thing (I was in a similar situation), but if you just approach it as a way to spend an evening and don't care about how it turns out, you can enjoy yourself and get back into it at the same time!

I think an online dating service would be a good way to approach this - use it just to get a few dates, even if you don't expect anything serious from such a service.

 

[gohanman9]

CYC,

my reasons for not dating would be that in High school, I was the stereotypical, "outsider". I would talk to people and be extremely shy in the process whenever a girl would ask me a question. This changed in College, but I went from an outsider to a Techie, like overnight when I started GTC. I work M-F, first-shift for a small company and don't really have many friends at all. Most of the friends that I had in college have moved away to different states. So, I have no social circle with which to congregate or more to the point, know how to approach a woman in this decade. Due to how things have changed so much. My last date was in 1990. I was in 9th grade. I'm now much older and none the wiser when it comes to the opposite sex. I mean, I can talk about a woman, talk with her on the phone, even email her, but face-to-face is a disaster. My mouth and tongue freeze-up and I know what I want to say, but somehow it comes out sounding really stupid. Like I have never spoken English in my life. I try to speak, but I start to studder badly.....which is so unlike me with anyone that I'm familiar with.

 

[lilpriss]

Ever see the movie "Better Off Dead"? Well, if not, go rent it... RIGHT NOW... and if so, you need what he had... a "little taste of success".

The thing that helps me to relax is to remember... the person who is with you, is probably just as full of insecurity as you are... and not even thinking that you may be nervous.

The point is this... If you believe you're a stud you are.

I have a thing that happened to me that I'll share if you're interested... It's a long story that ended up with the BEST SEX OF MY LIFE... all because before I left my house that night I had it in my mind that I was gonna get laid. It sounds crazy but it's true.

Mindset is so much more important than anything else. You just have to KNOW that you are a catch. Attitude shows through... Besides, computer guru's are sexy!

 

[lovechild27]

Hey...just always remember that women are people too. We have most of the same wants and needs you do. Believe in yourself more. You sound like a very sweet guy. If you are ok takling with a woman on the phone or on the net, maybe stick with dating services and see if getting to know someone better first helps ease the anxiety.

Make it a point when you go out to smile at people when you normally wouldnt, or say hello. Do little things to get yourself out there and boost your confidence. A smile says a lot. I have faith that you will find that special someone out there. Every pot does have a lid! Good luck

 

[Cyc]

I agree with Lovechild and Lilpriss - have confidence in yourself, for two reasons:

First, simply appearing confident is attractive. You're showing that you believe in your opinions and talents, regardless of what they may actually be.
You can "fake" confidence. Appear confident on the outside, even if you're shaking on the inside. When you're approaching a girl, this *will* work, because a) she doesn't know you inside-out, and b) she's probably too nervous herself to be worrying about how you feel!

Second, you do sound like a smart, amicable fellow. If you have good qualities, then there is no harm in letting them show. Don't confuse confidence with arrogance (which I despise). As long as you show respect for other people - and you sound like the sort of person who does - don't be afraid of speaking *your* opinions etc.

Ok, that's all well and good - the problem is that it's kind of hard to be charming and confident when you don't know anyone to ask out and if you did, you'd babble and stutter, right?

No problem.

Well, ok, it is a *bit* of a problem, but not an insurmountable one

Right now, if you were to ask someone out, you may stutter or babble incoherently - so if you like, don't ask anyone out yet. Heck, after ten years, what's a few more months?
But you do have to make a *start* right now, or else you never will. Take Lovechild's suggestion and do little things - just smile and say hello. Chat to women as people, without the intent of asking her out - just for conversation's sake alone. Pretty soon you'll find that they're not so scary
Look at it as simply interacting with more people than you usually do - and it just so happens, complete coincidence, really, that they're female.
And just keep it up until you feel comfortable asking someone out.