Dates from HELL!

[Guest]

Well, it really wasn't a bad date...but when she woke me up in the middle of the night and told me that I had to leave...her husband was on his way home...

Could have been worse. "Honey, wake up. My husband is home and he wants you now."

I'm amazed at how many people I have to tell this too, but there is no "league" for women. They are all different (crazy) in their tastes. Any woman (that is single) has the possibility to say "yes" to any guy that has the guts to ask them out. I have seen beauty queens out with fat-ass slouches. Seriously.

No woman is ever out of a man's league. If you find her attractive, and she give you even a hint of liking you, just ask her out already!

Yes, we do tend to talk ourselves out of things don't we? But then, I don't see Haley Berry dating her plumber.

But to be fair, Faye Dunaway, one of the most glamorous actresses of her day, was married to Mel Brooks for decades until her death.

The troubles start when they ask "Where are we going?" I don't know anyplace to take a date.

Have a plan before you go on a date. I've found women like it the guy has an idea for the evening, especially one that shows you have thought about them specifically. There is nothing worse than "I don't know,what do you want to do?" Not to say you shouldn't be flexible, but be ready with a plan.

My first of only two ever blind dates, I told her I thought we could start with drinks at a nice restaurant where I was known, then dinner. Afterwards, we'd go to a great dessert place I knew. Then, the friend that had set us up, had told me she liked old movies. I asked if she'd ever seen the one that was my favorite. She hadn't. "I have it on video if you'd like to finish the evening watching it." She was amazed at the thought that went into the night, and was agreeable to everything.

Nice to know I am not the only one with a dysfunctional dating life by the way ...

My dysfunctional dating life ended in marriage - so keep a stiff upper lip.

 

[rachlou]

My dysfunctional dating life ended in marriage - so keep a stiff upper lip.

Hmmm ... I live in hope!

 

[rgraham666]

Hmmm ... I live in hope!

I don't. Never doing that again.

 

[sirhugs]

Hmmm ... I live in hope!

mine ended up in a dysfunctional marriage....is there room inb hope for me to do better the second time around?

 

[rachlou]

I don't. Never doing that again.

No i'm not too keen on the idea either.

mine ended up in a dysfunctional marriage....is there room inb hope for me to do better the second time around?

Statistics prove that second marriages are usually far more successful, if you can get that far again. Apparently the thought is that first time round lets you know just what annoying things NOT to put up with second time around. People also tend to be more emotionally mature the second time.

 

[cloudy]

But to be fair, Faye Dunaway, one of the most glamorous actresses of her day, was married to Mel Brooks for decades until her death.

Just goes to show you how far being able to make a woman laugh will get you.

 

[Guest]

Just goes to show you how far being able to make a woman laugh will get you.

"So a priest, a rabbi and a duck walk into a bar..."

That's what I figured too Cloudy. Explains the string of beautiful women that hooked up with Jim Carrey.

And the two professional comedians I know married stunning women.

 

[minsue]

But to be fair, Faye Dunaway, one of the most glamorous actresses of her day, was married to Mel Brooks for decades until her death.

Are you sure you're thinking of the right woman? I thought Faye Dunaway was still alive?

 

[rachlou]

"So a priest, a rabbi and a duck walk into a bar..."

That's what I figured too Cloudy. Explains the string of beautiful women that hooked up with Jim Carrey.

And the two professional comedians I know married stunning women.

Of course money had nothing to do with it...

 

[sirhugs]

Statistics prove that second marriages are usually far more successful, if you can get that far again. Apparently the thought is that first time round lets you know just what annoying things NOT to put up with second time around. People also tend to be more emotionally mature the second time.

well, it was the wife's second ( my first). I might have learned, but she didn't....and I was naive to think she would.

doubt I'd ever marry again. The idea of dating is terifying enough.

Maybe I'll just accept celibacy.

 

[Guest]

Are you sure you're thinking of the right woman? I thought Faye Dunaway was still alive?

My mistake. Anne Bancroft.

http://imdb.com/name/nm0000843/

 

[CharleyH]

I was just working on a story i'm writing and the plot caused me to recall some of the hideous dates I have had in the last three years (since I got divorced).

My personal worst date was a guy who, on a second date), the first date being highly uneventful and not too bad at all), thought that a great conversation topic was to tell me in grisly detail all about his circumcisn operation that WENT WRONG! I wasn't sure whether he was trying to prepare me for a hideous sight or wanting a sympthy fuck! I was too traumatised to contribute further to the evening and needless to say, I passed on the thrd date.

Then there was the guy who spent over an hour on a monologue about whiskey collecting while I fell into a coma...

Can you beat my experiences? Please tell all!!

Yes, but I beat it in my comedic and thinking interesting take on it - you might do well to consider the same for a story.

 

[rachlou]

well, it was the wife's second ( my first). I might have learned, but she didn't....and I was naive to think she would.

doubt I'd ever marry again. The idea of dating is terifying enough.

Maybe I'll just accept celibacy.

Its too early to be thinking of dating again - have a break and then reconsider it after some time has passed. You're clearly not ready to dip a toe in the shark infested waters just yet...

 

[CharleyH]

Its too early to be thinking of dating again - have a break and then reconsider it after some time has passed. You're clearly not ready to dip a toe in the shark infested waters just yet...

God, you are so cold. lol

 

[Misty_Morning]

Date from hell?...

Ok, I'm not sure if this really counts...

Before Christams I broke up with my gf, and like and idiot I kinda had a few "dates" with a former fuck buddy. She invited me to a dinner party that she and her husband were having a few days befroe christmas, like a idiot I said OK.

So I get there and she tells me her husband wants to "fix me up" with a friend of his who is at the same dinner party. Now he does not know that I'm lesbian and has no idea of the real relationship between me and his wife (all he knows is that I'm a friend of his wife's from the gym).

I said to just tell him I'm gay. Oh, no! Can't do that!

So then I end up sitting next to this guy all night long and having to act interested. So, then he asks me out on a date. Like an idiot I said OK.

A few days after Christmas we go to diinner and a movie. During dinner I told him that I'm a lesbian but PLEASE don't tell his friend cuz I don't want it to get back to his wife and potentially destroying our "friendship". (I know...I'm an asshole).

Well, actually things worked out pretty well, and I now have another friend.


BTW I made up with my gf a few days ago. And she thought this situation was hilarious and that I deserved to be put in an akward situation.

Hey, ya know.....

 

[rachlou]

Yes, but I beat it in my comedic and thinking interesting take on it - you might do well to consider the same for a story.

Hmm well I just wrote a How To Survive Internet Dating... and submitted it

 

[minsue]

My mistake. Anne Bancroft.

http://imdb.com/name/nm0000843/

Ah. I thought I was going mad for a moment there. It doesn't take much, you know.

 

[sirhugs]

Its too early to be thinking of dating again - have a break and then reconsider it after some time has passed. You're clearly not ready to dip a toe in the shark infested waters just yet...

not even just one lil bite?

I have a gala in April I NEED to bring a date too...not the sort of thing you can take yer cousin, nor a first date...

 

[Vermilion]

Hmm well I just wrote a How To Survive Internet Dating... and submitted it

You should link it to mine (if you can do that) 'How to meet people online'

http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=269580

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[Vermilion]

not even just one lil bite?

I have a gala in April I NEED to bring a date too...not the sort of thing you can take yer cousin, nor a first date...

Escort?
Takes the stress out of it
x
V

 

[sirhugs]

Escort?
Takes the stress out of it
x
V

yeah, that'll work...."hi Madam Mayor, this is my rent a date Trixie "

 

[rachlou]

not even just one lil bite?

I have a gala in April I NEED to bring a date too...not the sort of thing you can take yer cousin, nor a first date...

okay.... ignore my advice and get thee out into the dating pool! You've got three months to find someone presentable to take to your Gala

 

[Vermilion]

yeah, that'll work...."hi Madam Mayor, this is my rent a date Trixie "

so lie
'hi madam mayor, this is my lady-friend, Trixie'

 

[Guest]

yeah, that'll work...."hi Madam Mayor, this is my rent a date Trixie "

And Trixie blurts out, "Mom!"

Any Lit ladies near you? I suspect they all clean up well.

Ah. I thought I was going mad for a moment there. It doesn't take much, you know.

I'll try to be more careful around your delicate sanity.

 

[StrixVaria]

My worst date ever was in high school.

Actually, I think it was more of an assignation... more properly called a low-tech, pre cell phone, booty call.

My Dad was a Baptist Minister. I was forbidden to date anyone who did not pass "spiritual muster". This girl was definitely not up to that standard and I was not interested in a discussion of the Dead Sea Scrolls and their place in God's personal plan for my life. I wanted hot carnal knowledge and I was willing to pay almost any price to get it.

Well, she had presented me with a map of sorts to get to her house and had offered to leave the screen off her window. It was almost 30 miles from my bedroom to hers.

At 10pm on the night in question, I climbed aboard the moped that I had purchased several weeks earlier with money earned from a Summer of bailing hay. I made a stop by a bathroom with a condom machine, spending 10.00 on "supplies" and zoomed off at a blazing 20 mph. I believed that I had thought of everything - a little stolen moonshine, enough condoms to outfit a Brigade, a backpack in which to stuff removed clothing (to prevent lost articles), and a burning need to pop my cherry.

I arrived at the house without incident and in a flash of wily cunning, parked the moped at the next-door neighbor's house, behind a bush.

As I approached the window of this young lady, I was suddenly beset by a large white German Sheppard. That damn dog almost took the seat out of my pants - and successfully removed one of my shoes before I scrambled into the window. The young lady successfully quieted the dog, but he remained a little distrustful of the whole situation and remained below the window, periodically growling up at me.

Despite the ungainly arrival, we settled into a session of heavy petting rather quickly. I was naked, she was naked, the dog was (I assume) naked to begin with... all was good with the world. Then everything began to fall apart.

A car pulled into the drive next door. Evidently, her Uncle lived next door and worked second shift. Soon, the phone rang and I heard the girl's father answer. "What!? Moped? I don't know nuthin' 'bout no mo-ped? Hang on, I'll ask..."

The door burst open and I was confronted with the silhouette of a huge burly man clad in a pair of whitey tighties. I would have laughed, but I was only wearing a condom and figured that I had no room to talk. I grabbed the backpack and dove for the window, followed by a shout of "What the FUCK!?".

As you might guess, what followed was a comedy of errors which would have made the three stooges turn green with envy. I sailed out of the window, barking my shin on the ledge... and landed on the still-disgruntled German Shepard. The dog became even more upset with his lot in life - it's not every day that a young man breaks into your master's house and then abruptly comes flying back out of the window and smushes you. He ran yelping through the front yard.

I scrambled to my feet, donned the backpack and ran for the moped. I slapped the helmet on my head and got the damn thing going - just as the dog recovered his wits and began to chase me down the road. As I was gaining some distance on him, I heard an engine rev to life and tires squeal.

Thinking quickly, I cut the lights and made a quick left onto a dirt road... and ran into the hood of a parked Sheriff's patrol car.

So, there I was, wearing a helmet and a condom, spread eagled against the side of the patrol car, when the angry father pulled up. It was ugly....just ugly...and then the dog caught up to us.

I was grounded for a year. I was forced to clean the Church twice a week as "penance", and my Dad sold the moped and gave the proceeds to foreign missions.

The worst part?

I still hadn't gotten laid.