Karen Kraft
29
- Joined
- May 18, 2002
- Posts
- 36,253
January 15, 2010
“Yeah – uh Yes?” his voice was gruff and pissy. I knew how easily he got pissy and I could tell this wasn't going to go well.
“Barry! It’s Kay-Kay! How they hangin’ Dude? Big Man On Campus, as always.” There was a long pause and I immediately got the sense that I might have overstepped.
“Karen. I’m 'Barry' to your dad, and not even to him when I'm in this office. To you, I am “Mr. President” and even so, only under the rarest of unimaginably rare circumstances wherein you might -- I repeat, MIGHT -- have some legitimate reason to call me [now trying but failing to sufficiently muffle the mouthpiece] ‘what the…why did you put this call through? What? No, she’s not calling for her father… oh never mind…’ ] Okay, Karen, keep this quick. I’m sure your totally self-absorbed pee brain is incapable of realizing just how busy I am but go ahead; what’s up?”
“Well, you know I don't know nothing about conserving no political capital….” I was using my best Butterfly McQueen as "Prissy" voice and taking way too much time.
“Look,” he was trying to act pissed off but I could tell he thought it was funny, in an embarrassing sort of way, “Not to cut you off, Karen, but I have zero time and zero patience for your bull today.”
“So hang up!” I put some pout to my voice; he always was a sucker for that.
“[muffled mouthpiece attempt] ‘hold my calls.’ Alright, you’re cute but I’ve moved beyond all that now. This is serious business here, not like before. Are you calling just to shoot the bull or do you have some real reason for calling me?”
“Okay, okay,” I knew I had his attention. “You have the demographics all wrong on this Annie Oakley bitch and your Sunday afternoon show-up in Massachusetts. It's only going to make you look even more toxic to tight-race Democrats this summer and fall. The plastic bitch is likely going down for the count and if that happens, it's gonna splash up all over you as well."
“If I don’t go, Karen, it'll look like I’m throwing Attorney General Coakley under the bus. Enough of that kind of talk going on around here as it is. Plus, not only did I tell that corpse Harry Reid that I would go, there will be a lot of TV football going on during our appearance and most people outside Boston and Worchester won’t even know I was there.”
"If the bitch loses, Fox'll blame you and run it 24/7."
"Fuck Fox. I didn't say that."
“Yeah I know, but if Annie Oakley tanks on Tuesday, it's bound to reflect badly on you, Ba… Mr. Presdient.”
“Meanwhile, since when are you so concerned about me anyway, Karen? Weren’t you working with the speech writing team for Miss Nit-Wit-of-the-Tundra last year? Or do you just go anyplace where you can get some attention?”
“Attention.”
[beat]
"Hey, Meeeeester President," Prissy had suddenly turned into Speedy Gonzales. "Please give my best to Dumps."
"I told you not to call her that, Karen!" I could hear that he was trying to stifle a laugh. "So, uh, thank you for your contribution and I assure you I will give it absolutely no weight whatsoever. Tell your father to spank you. No, I didn't say that either....” He was laughing. I was happy I cheered him up.
“Yo, Barry?” he knew that tone of voice but couldn’t help himself.
“[sigh ] What, Karen….?” I could hear the dread in his reply.
“Hello Kitty says hi.”
Then there was a click and the line went dead.
=================================================
January 20, 2010
“Good morning, Karen, you calling to gloat?”
“No, not really. How’d that whole ‘everybody can buy a truck’ snark work for you up there?”
“I knew it; you did call to gloat.”
“Maybe. Just a little.”
“So, Barry. While you were up there in Boston did you get Dumps one of those live lobster take-out boxes?”
“She hates it when you call her ‘Dumps’!”
“I’ve never done so to her face; how would she know. [beat] Oh, Barry! You told her our little nickname for her? Pretty dumb there, Bear.”
“It’s not OUR nickname; it’s your name for her and no one else’s and yeah, we tell each other everything. It’s that kind of a marriage…. And no, I wanted to stop at Legal Seafood to get one of those clam bake in a box deals – you know – two lobsters, a bunch of clams, corn, chowder, and a big cooking pot with a spigot near the bottom for clam broth. The SS wouldn’t let me stop.”
“Ah yes, the Black Shirts.”
“Secret Service, Karen, not the Schutzstaffel Squadron,” he laughed. I could hear in his voice that he wasn’t off by Brown’s victory at all.
“Right. The Waffen Secret Service. I get those mixed up sometimes. I’m bad at history, donchaknow …… You don’t seem all that bummed about Annie Oakley taking the political dirt nap on your dime.”
“Well you know… it wasn’t a real election, but a SPECIAL election for one thing and for another she ran a crappy campaign. We tried to help her out but by the time we got there she had already pretty much screwed the pooch. She’s a loser in any event.”
“Very classy, Barry… to throw her under the bus AFTER she tanks.”
“Hey. What can I say?”
“Whatever. [pause] Are you going to order one of those Legal Seafood clam bakes for Valentine’s Day? I remember you said that Dumps likes to do that whole clambake deal naked, except for the skimpy plastic bibs that come in the kit…. dance around….”
“Just stop, Karen. I never should have told you about that.”
“Yeah, well, ya did, Bear…..”
“Plus, we can order whatever food we want anytime we want it and it gets fixed for us by some of the best chefs in the world. Why would I want to get a box of stuff from Legal’s?”
“Didn’t say YOU. The Dumperoo likes it when you give her stuff. It’s special when you take the box up to the second floor grease down just the two of you.”
“Four. There are four of us.” This was filler. He didn’t know what else to say, probably kicking himself mentally for telling me about Dumps and the naked lobster dance.
“Have the little shits eat in the basement. They like it down there anyway.”
“It’s not ‘the basement,’ Karen, it’s the lower level and it’s a great place for grabbing a snack without the whole crew standing around watching you eat. They say that President Clinton…..”
“ [interrupting] yeah, whatever. So look, Barry, I have some shit to do today. Just wanted to call and congratulate you on losing your super majority in the Senate.”
“Karen. I would be remiss if I didn’t ask you this: are you an asshole to everybody or just me?”
“Everybody. Why?”
“Just wondered. And I have nothing to do with the U.S. Senate. I’m in The White House, as you know. If you want to annoy the Senate, call Harry.”
“You didn’t have much to do with the Senate when you were a Senator either, Bear, and Harry never takes my calls.”
“Smart man.”
“Whatever. I can beat him at hoops.”
“Hahahahahahahaha…. That’s not such a big deal, Karen! That mobbed-up, broken down, Jew-loving Mormon corpse is old enough for anybody to beat. Fuck! I bet Harry couldn’t beat McCain’s fucked up ass on the courts. You still do pick-up games there in L.A.?”
“Nah. After I broke my foot I gave it up. My fiancé still hits the parks and playgrounds from time to time. You should meet him. He’d kick your ass one-on-one… particularly now that you are taking on some tonnage.”
“What the ………!? What are you talking about? I’m in fine shape. I work out every morning…..”
“Fine. I take it back. Or at least, I don’t want to hear it. Anyway, he could beat you one-on-one. Ask Kobe.”
“Wait. You’re engaged to a professional basketball player? That’s not fair. I thought…..”
“Never said he was a pro. Just said he could beat your fat-and-getting-fatter presidential ass. Oh, and Kobe says that it would be just fine if you DIDN’T fucking call him after EVERY fucking Lakers game. Show some respect, Barry! The man’s tired after the games.”
“I’m not getting fatter and Kobe loves it when I call him!”
“Ask Dumps.”
“Please stop calling her that and ask her if Kobe likes it when I call after every game?”
“Jeeeezzzz you’re getting dense. No! Ask Dumps if you are getting fat….. er.”
“Christ almighty you are annoying!”
“It’s what I do.”
“Alright, I gotta go, Karen.”
“Fine. So, that means you’re chicken to go one-on-one with my fiancé? You know I’d love watching the two of you…. Meanwhile, you going to take on Brown and his wife – you and Dumps – two-on-two- or what?”
“Alright, alright. Next time you and he are in D.C. call my appointment bitch and see if something can be set up. What’s his name? I’ll put add his name to the list.”
“Don’t bother, Barry! We’ll just walk in next time you and Dumps are throwing a party.”
“ [mumbling to himself] Why do I do it? Why do I put up with this bullshit?”
“Because you love Hello Kitty. You do it for…..”
The line went dead. Must have been the weather.
“Yeah – uh Yes?” his voice was gruff and pissy. I knew how easily he got pissy and I could tell this wasn't going to go well.
“Barry! It’s Kay-Kay! How they hangin’ Dude? Big Man On Campus, as always.” There was a long pause and I immediately got the sense that I might have overstepped.
“Karen. I’m 'Barry' to your dad, and not even to him when I'm in this office. To you, I am “Mr. President” and even so, only under the rarest of unimaginably rare circumstances wherein you might -- I repeat, MIGHT -- have some legitimate reason to call me [now trying but failing to sufficiently muffle the mouthpiece] ‘what the…why did you put this call through? What? No, she’s not calling for her father… oh never mind…’ ] Okay, Karen, keep this quick. I’m sure your totally self-absorbed pee brain is incapable of realizing just how busy I am but go ahead; what’s up?”
“Well, you know I don't know nothing about conserving no political capital….” I was using my best Butterfly McQueen as "Prissy" voice and taking way too much time.
“Look,” he was trying to act pissed off but I could tell he thought it was funny, in an embarrassing sort of way, “Not to cut you off, Karen, but I have zero time and zero patience for your bull today.”
“So hang up!” I put some pout to my voice; he always was a sucker for that.
“[muffled mouthpiece attempt] ‘hold my calls.’ Alright, you’re cute but I’ve moved beyond all that now. This is serious business here, not like before. Are you calling just to shoot the bull or do you have some real reason for calling me?”
“Okay, okay,” I knew I had his attention. “You have the demographics all wrong on this Annie Oakley bitch and your Sunday afternoon show-up in Massachusetts. It's only going to make you look even more toxic to tight-race Democrats this summer and fall. The plastic bitch is likely going down for the count and if that happens, it's gonna splash up all over you as well."
“If I don’t go, Karen, it'll look like I’m throwing Attorney General Coakley under the bus. Enough of that kind of talk going on around here as it is. Plus, not only did I tell that corpse Harry Reid that I would go, there will be a lot of TV football going on during our appearance and most people outside Boston and Worchester won’t even know I was there.”
"If the bitch loses, Fox'll blame you and run it 24/7."
"Fuck Fox. I didn't say that."
“Yeah I know, but if Annie Oakley tanks on Tuesday, it's bound to reflect badly on you, Ba… Mr. Presdient.”
“Meanwhile, since when are you so concerned about me anyway, Karen? Weren’t you working with the speech writing team for Miss Nit-Wit-of-the-Tundra last year? Or do you just go anyplace where you can get some attention?”
“Attention.”
[beat]
"Hey, Meeeeester President," Prissy had suddenly turned into Speedy Gonzales. "Please give my best to Dumps."
"I told you not to call her that, Karen!" I could hear that he was trying to stifle a laugh. "So, uh, thank you for your contribution and I assure you I will give it absolutely no weight whatsoever. Tell your father to spank you. No, I didn't say that either....” He was laughing. I was happy I cheered him up.
“Yo, Barry?” he knew that tone of voice but couldn’t help himself.
“[sigh ] What, Karen….?” I could hear the dread in his reply.
“Hello Kitty says hi.”
Then there was a click and the line went dead.
=================================================
January 20, 2010
“Good morning, Karen, you calling to gloat?”
“No, not really. How’d that whole ‘everybody can buy a truck’ snark work for you up there?”
“I knew it; you did call to gloat.”
“Maybe. Just a little.”
“So, Barry. While you were up there in Boston did you get Dumps one of those live lobster take-out boxes?”
“She hates it when you call her ‘Dumps’!”
“I’ve never done so to her face; how would she know. [beat] Oh, Barry! You told her our little nickname for her? Pretty dumb there, Bear.”
“It’s not OUR nickname; it’s your name for her and no one else’s and yeah, we tell each other everything. It’s that kind of a marriage…. And no, I wanted to stop at Legal Seafood to get one of those clam bake in a box deals – you know – two lobsters, a bunch of clams, corn, chowder, and a big cooking pot with a spigot near the bottom for clam broth. The SS wouldn’t let me stop.”
“Ah yes, the Black Shirts.”
“Secret Service, Karen, not the Schutzstaffel Squadron,” he laughed. I could hear in his voice that he wasn’t off by Brown’s victory at all.
“Right. The Waffen Secret Service. I get those mixed up sometimes. I’m bad at history, donchaknow …… You don’t seem all that bummed about Annie Oakley taking the political dirt nap on your dime.”
“Well you know… it wasn’t a real election, but a SPECIAL election for one thing and for another she ran a crappy campaign. We tried to help her out but by the time we got there she had already pretty much screwed the pooch. She’s a loser in any event.”
“Very classy, Barry… to throw her under the bus AFTER she tanks.”
“Hey. What can I say?”
“Whatever. [pause] Are you going to order one of those Legal Seafood clam bakes for Valentine’s Day? I remember you said that Dumps likes to do that whole clambake deal naked, except for the skimpy plastic bibs that come in the kit…. dance around….”
“Just stop, Karen. I never should have told you about that.”
“Yeah, well, ya did, Bear…..”
“Plus, we can order whatever food we want anytime we want it and it gets fixed for us by some of the best chefs in the world. Why would I want to get a box of stuff from Legal’s?”
“Didn’t say YOU. The Dumperoo likes it when you give her stuff. It’s special when you take the box up to the second floor grease down just the two of you.”
“Four. There are four of us.” This was filler. He didn’t know what else to say, probably kicking himself mentally for telling me about Dumps and the naked lobster dance.
“Have the little shits eat in the basement. They like it down there anyway.”
“It’s not ‘the basement,’ Karen, it’s the lower level and it’s a great place for grabbing a snack without the whole crew standing around watching you eat. They say that President Clinton…..”
“ [interrupting] yeah, whatever. So look, Barry, I have some shit to do today. Just wanted to call and congratulate you on losing your super majority in the Senate.”
“Karen. I would be remiss if I didn’t ask you this: are you an asshole to everybody or just me?”
“Everybody. Why?”
“Just wondered. And I have nothing to do with the U.S. Senate. I’m in The White House, as you know. If you want to annoy the Senate, call Harry.”
“You didn’t have much to do with the Senate when you were a Senator either, Bear, and Harry never takes my calls.”
“Smart man.”
“Whatever. I can beat him at hoops.”
“Hahahahahahahaha…. That’s not such a big deal, Karen! That mobbed-up, broken down, Jew-loving Mormon corpse is old enough for anybody to beat. Fuck! I bet Harry couldn’t beat McCain’s fucked up ass on the courts. You still do pick-up games there in L.A.?”
“Nah. After I broke my foot I gave it up. My fiancé still hits the parks and playgrounds from time to time. You should meet him. He’d kick your ass one-on-one… particularly now that you are taking on some tonnage.”
“What the ………!? What are you talking about? I’m in fine shape. I work out every morning…..”
“Fine. I take it back. Or at least, I don’t want to hear it. Anyway, he could beat you one-on-one. Ask Kobe.”
“Wait. You’re engaged to a professional basketball player? That’s not fair. I thought…..”
“Never said he was a pro. Just said he could beat your fat-and-getting-fatter presidential ass. Oh, and Kobe says that it would be just fine if you DIDN’T fucking call him after EVERY fucking Lakers game. Show some respect, Barry! The man’s tired after the games.”
“I’m not getting fatter and Kobe loves it when I call him!”
“Ask Dumps.”
“Please stop calling her that and ask her if Kobe likes it when I call after every game?”
“Jeeeezzzz you’re getting dense. No! Ask Dumps if you are getting fat….. er.”
“Christ almighty you are annoying!”
“It’s what I do.”
“Alright, I gotta go, Karen.”
“Fine. So, that means you’re chicken to go one-on-one with my fiancé? You know I’d love watching the two of you…. Meanwhile, you going to take on Brown and his wife – you and Dumps – two-on-two- or what?”
“Alright, alright. Next time you and he are in D.C. call my appointment bitch and see if something can be set up. What’s his name? I’ll put add his name to the list.”
“Don’t bother, Barry! We’ll just walk in next time you and Dumps are throwing a party.”
“ [mumbling to himself] Why do I do it? Why do I put up with this bullshit?”
“Because you love Hello Kitty. You do it for…..”
The line went dead. Must have been the weather.
