Can a submissive woman Dominate a man?

[Natasha667]

So the story goes......met a guy who's into being dominated and humiliated, but without pain..kinda likes D/s but no S&M. It's really difficult to get over this seeing as how I am both a submissive, not a dominate, and I'm into pain as a punishment. How do you dominate someone without beating their ass? Being the person I am, I want to totally please him, and what pleases him is to be dominated. it is a problem, that it is. Also we kinda broached the subject of playing in the anal regions. Which I have never done, and have no idea where to start. I mean, I really don't relish the idea of shoving a 12 inch dildo up his ass or anything, I just need an idea on what would be a good starter on something like that. Something small, just enough to block the anal walls from completly closing when he's cumming for the better ride. I really don't know. If anyone has suggestions, please pipe up. Thanks.

 

[leeroy jenkins]

So the story goes......met a guy who's into being dominated and humiliated, but without pain..kinda likes D/s but no S&M. It's really difficult to get over this seeing as how I am both a submissive, not a dominate, and I'm into pain as a punishment. How do you dominate someone without beating their ass? Being the person I am, I want to totally please him, and what pleases him is to be dominated. it is a problem, that it is. Also we kinda broached the subject of playing in the anal regions. Which I have never done, and have no idea where to start. I mean, I really don't relish the idea of shoving a 12 inch dildo up his ass or anything, I just need an idea on what would be a good starter on something like that. Something small, just enough to block the anal walls from completly closing when he's cumming for the better ride. I really don't know. If anyone has suggestions, please pipe up. Thanks.

First of all Welcome Natasha, may your time here be a joyous one. If he wants you to violate him anally why not first start off with a butt plug, a small dildo, or vibe. I am sure each will provide their own enjoyment for both of you or for him if he uses them solo. You might want to check this thread out to in the HT butt plugs anal play. I will say that anal play is written from a woman's perspective but if you will be using a strapon then it could just as easy apply to you too.

 

[Cricket Song]

So the story goes......met a guy who's into being dominated and humiliated, but without pain..kinda likes D/s but no S&M. It's really difficult to get over this seeing as how I am both a submissive, not a dominate, and I'm into pain as a punishment. How do you dominate someone without beating their ass? Being the person I am, I want to totally please him, and what pleases him is to be dominated. it is a problem, that it is. Also we kinda broached the subject of playing in the anal regions. Which I have never done, and have no idea where to start. I mean, I really don't relish the idea of shoving a 12 inch dildo up his ass or anything, I just need an idea on what would be a good starter on something like that. Something small, just enough to block the anal walls from completly closing when he's cumming for the better ride. I really don't know. If anyone has suggestions, please pipe up. Thanks.

Hmm, how do you punish without pain? Withhold something, most likely pleasure. Tease. Tickle. Have him do something for you, to you. Domination implies control. You'll be the one controlling the situation, including having him dominate yourself at times. You don't need a 12" anything; a finger or two is just fine for beginning play. I wonder if I'm making any sense, probably not

 

[pandoravampire]

I have never been punished with pain, ever. My punishments are being made aware that i have failed to please, or worse still, caused distress. So i dont see this part as the problem.

However, what i do see as a problem is you trying to dominate whilst feeling submissively toward him.
Sounds like, bdsm wise, you two are completely incompatable to me.

You may be able to provide some play sessions for him (topping), that he would enjoy, its not rocket science. And there is a library here full of info that can help with that. But i would imagine it would be similar in the problems male friends/subs of mine have described in visiting a prodomme - Unless they are a Domme, it lacks passion on their part, and power exchange does not occur, it simply does not flow both ways.
But if he's thinking anything is better than nothing, then go for it!
Grab a checklist, see what his particular interests are, and try those you'd feel you could fulfill.

You identify as a submissive, what sorts of play have you enjoyed, and why? try some of those techniques out on him. If he's into service, get your lawn mowed, get your feet massaged, praise where praise is due.

Set him tasks to achieve, essays to write, porn to collect for show and tells.

Maybe you have a innerswitch just dying to get out given the chance.

I am a switch, but im in a relationship as a submissive. I do not step outside of that relationship at all. If my Sir chooses that i should do what might be considered Dommely things to him, its NOTHING like topping for me, i dont get a thrill of being the one in control, I go through the motions to please him, do his bidding. He therefor, cannot truly say he has been topped by me, as i realy havent. Im going through the motions. Because he told me what to do. As a fulfilling my topping needs, it counts for jack shit. Its a completely different experience.

May i ask what is in this for you? Coz it seems very strange to say the least.
pandoravampire

 

[Natasha667]

I have never been punished with pain, ever. My punishments are being made aware that i have failed to please, or worse still, caused distress. So i dont see this part as the problem.

However, what i do see as a problem is you trying to dominate whilst feeling submissively toward him.
Sounds like, bdsm wise, you two are completely incompatable to me.

You may be able to provide some play sessions for him (topping), that he would enjoy, its not rocket science. And there is a library here full of info that can help with that. But i would imagine it would be similar in the problems male friends/subs of mine have described in visiting a prodomme - Unless they are a Domme, it lacks passion on their part, and power exchange does not occur, it simply does not flow both ways.
But if he's thinking anything is better than nothing, then go for it!
Grab a checklist, see what his particular interests are, and try those you'd feel you could fulfill.

You identify as a submissive, what sorts of play have you enjoyed, and why? try some of those techniques out on him. If he's into service, get your lawn mowed, get your feet massaged, praise where praise is due.

Set him tasks to achieve, essays to write, porn to collect for show and tells.

Maybe you have a innerswitch just dying to get out given the chance.

I am a switch, but im in a relationship as a submissive. I do not step outside of that relationship at all. If my Sir chooses that i should do what might be considered Dommely things to him, its NOTHING like topping for me, i dont get a thrill of being the one in control, I go through the motions to please him, do his bidding. He therefor, cannot truly say he has been topped by me, as i realy havent. Im going through the motions. Because he told me what to do. As a fulfilling my topping needs, it counts for jack shit. Its a completely different experience.

May i ask what is in this for you? Coz it seems very strange to say the least.
pandoravampire

I guess I need to correct myself. I am not opposed to being the Dominate one. I am just uncomfortable out of the lack of familiarity. Neither he, nor I, want the D/s relationship to exist outside the bedroom. In the bedroom, I'm used to my partner being in control. I had never had a partner that wanted to switch it up, untill now. I would really like some ideas and advice on what a newcomer to the control side should do. I'm worried about going to far, doing things to him that he is not ready for. (though I am encouraged with his curiosity of involveing some anal play, when a week or two ago, he was strongly opposed.) And keeping the pain out of it. That is a strong point to me, because when I think of my preferences, some pain is always there. And as to what I get out of it. I greatly enjoy pleaseing my partner, whatever it takes to please them. This is something he wants, I want to be the best I can be at it, so that his experiences are as wonderful as i can posible give him. I get more pleasure out of that, than out of my own sexual satisfaction. To me, being able to please someone like that, be the only one that can make them feel that way, that is a kind of control. and that feeling lasts longer than any sexual pleasures I've had yet.



And thank you guys for replying to the post all the advice is greatly appreciated. I have some fantastic new ideas to test out. Thanks.

 

[pandoravampire]

Oh i see, that makes more sense now.

Well how about a evening of sensory deprivation, blindfold him, put some music through the headphones, get the room warmed, lay him naked with his butt in the air on pillows.

Gather a tray full of 'stuff' from around the house, to try different sensations on his skin. Watch closely how he reacts to different sensations. silk, hair brushes etc anything that will feel different as you drag it accross his skin. Even speciality toys you may own have many uses. eg. A whip can be a delicate massage tool, it doesnt have to hurt.

Try massage, to relax him, using oil, play with his buttock muscles, glide over his anal area, but do not penetrate. tease being the operative word. Use your toys on him, externally, use your fingers to tease around the anus and the skin between his balls and anus. Loads of patience, loads of lube and allow him to enjoy the wonderful sensations that come from having your arse played with.
A severely stimulated anus will 'gape' open if sufficiently relaxed. Do not force the issue, allow him to work toward being penetrated if this is what he wants.
Allow him to 'back up onto things'
Give him a safe word of traffic lights, so that he can slow play down, if he needs to gain control again.
The aim here is to learn together, to have fun. Baby steps.
Above all. After each session, talk talk and talk some more. From these discussions, you can ask what was good, what was not so good and how to improve things next time, or what is that next step to be.

Try to remember, with regard you not wanting to take things too fast, or harm him in some way. That responsibility is shared between play partners. Whilst he is bottoming, he has the responsibility to communicate to you if he needs to stop, pause or continue faster. And after play, then both of you have a shared responsibility to each other, to communicate honestly about your play, and what it brings up for each of you.

Good luck honey, and have fun.
pandoravampire

 

[catalina_francisco]

I am in the position as a slave of having to top/dominate others because he wants me to...thankfully he is not wanting me to dominate him at all as I am sure that would cause more difficulties and problems than I have already had to deal with. It took awhile to come to terms with, to get into the headspace, and have to say the best resource to date was my own experiences as a submissive/slave, coupled with imagination. Talking in depth with those who are willing to place themselves in my hands, their experiences, their desires etc., has also been invaluable in making it work wonderfully. Basically, it is possible if uyou can see it totally as a way of submitting, though not the way most envision...but unless you are a switch, it can have moments when problems will arise for you, sometimes in terms of desire, sometimes enthusiasm, sometimes emotional, sometimes physical...those are moments that take a lot of work to get past.

You also need to look beyond your initial attraction to decide if this is the person you want to be with. I am not saying it isn't, but many people fall in love with something about a person and then feel they are in love with them and they close their eyes to some glaring areas of incompatability. Take time to make sure you are not in love/lust with a fantasy figure, and that it is really the person he is you have feeling for, as he is, not as perhaps you would want him to be. If after that you still feel you want to stay together, your best tool in fulfilling his needs will be to communicate well, both on what he wants, what you want, and how both experience all things you share. Most of all, remember it should be fun at some point and that any negative points to come out of anything you do together need to be worked through together with equal responsibility.

Catalina

 

[High-Tied]

So the story goes......met a guy who's into being dominated and humiliated, but without pain..kinda likes D/s but no S&M. It's really difficult to get over this seeing as how I am both a submissive, not a dominate, and I'm into pain as a punishment. How do you dominate someone without beating their ass? Being the person I am, I want to totally please him, and what pleases him is to be dominated. it is a problem, that it is. Also we kinda broached the subject of playing in the anal regions. Which I have never done, and have no idea where to start. I mean, I really don't relish the idea of shoving a 12 inch dildo up his ass or anything, I just need an idea on what would be a good starter on something like that. Something small, just enough to block the anal walls from completly closing when he's cumming for the better ride. I really don't know. If anyone has suggestions, please pipe up. Thanks.

There are all sorts of ways to dominate without pain. Tease, humiliation, worship, orgasm denial, crossdressing, role reversal, bondage, blindfold, cuckold, chastity devices...darlin', you've got volumes to try!

 

[shy slave]

Interesting question Natasha and one he and I have spoken about.

Regardless of the pain (or lack of it) aspect if he wanted me to dominate him I could mentally deal with under the umbrella of submission.

If he wants to flog me or fuck me, then I submit. Equally if he wants me to lick his cock or feet I submit.

Therefore if he wants me to flog him or fuck him I am still submitting, because its what he wants.

Does that make sense to anyone else, or is it just me?

Edit to add: This is actually hypothetical, as we have not been in a situation (yet) where mentally I have to go through a process of submitting to him, whilst seeming to top him. Nor am I sure the situation will ever arise, but we have discussed the 'what ifs' of it

 

[catalina_francisco]

Interesting question Natasha and one he and I have spoken about.

Regardless of the pain (or lack of it) aspect if he wanted me to dominate him I could mentally deal with under the umbrella of submission.

If he wants to flog me or fuck me, then I submit. Equally if he wants me to lick his cock or feet I submit.

Therefore if he wants me to flog him or fuck him I am still submitting, because its what he wants.

Does that make sense to anyone else, or is it just me?

Edit to add: This is actually hypothetical, as we have not been in a situation (yet) where mentally I have to go through a process of submitting to him, whilst seeming to top him. Nor am I sure the situation will ever arise, but we have discussed the 'what ifs' of it

Is the only way I got my head around what he asked of me, but still find most don't agree with my interpretation and want to categorise it as switching or not being really submissive.

Catalina

 

[bridgeburner]

So the story goes......met a guy who's into being dominated and humiliated, but without pain..kinda likes D/s but no S&M. It's really difficult to get over this seeing as how I am both a submissive, not a dominate, and I'm into pain as a punishment. How do you dominate someone without beating their ass? Being the person I am, I want to totally please him, and what pleases him is to be dominated. it is a problem, that it is. Also we kinda broached the subject of playing in the anal regions. Which I have never done, and have no idea where to start. I mean, I really don't relish the idea of shoving a 12 inch dildo up his ass or anything, I just need an idea on what would be a good starter on something like that. Something small, just enough to block the anal walls from completly closing when he's cumming for the better ride. I really don't know. If anyone has suggestions, please pipe up. Thanks.

I think perhaps too often we talk about domination as if it is all forceful and overt. There must be an ostentatious show of strength, a flamboyance of punishment and menace or the iciness of cool disdain freckled with moments of compassionate largess.

How incredibly tiring that would be for all Dominants to deliver all the time and no wonder that you might find it an intimidating prospect. But there are other ways to think of dominance and one in particular that I think is incredibly easy:

Access

Who is not curious about his lover? Who doesn't want access to a lover? What could be more trusting than to give over complete access to a lover and what could be more heady than having that access? You don't have to be cruel or brash with it, but if you are to take the Top role, then his body is yours. Yours to explore as you see fit. Yours to experiment on, to dress up, to display, to invade, to examine and none of it need involve pain. Do you like to look at him? Simply the act of looking at him when it makes him uncomfortable to be looked at can be humiliating, but even loving and tender gestures can show dominance and ownership.

Do you have a personal need to give him pain or did you only mean that your experiences have been such that punishment involves pain? If it's only a matter of learning new ways to punish then it's a manageable thing, but if you're a sadist and he's in no way shape or form a masochist I'd say your problems are considerably larger.



-B

 

[incubus'_sub]

I admire your willingness to try this, but make sure that in the effort to please this new man that you don't forget your own needs.

In a new relationship, everything can seem exciting and we go out of our way to make it work. The problems often don't arise until after the first blush of romance has faded a bit. The illusion of portraying an interest & desire which is not really there is very difficult to maintain. Is he willing to switch to please you as well, or is that just not him?

For myself, I just wouldn't be able to do this. I find submissive men a real turnoff. Can't help it, just the way I'm wired & no amount of telling myself that "doing it to please" is a form of submission would enable me to find it sexy.

 

[FurryFury]

Yes, I think so. I think it happens ALL the time.

Fury

 

[au_man]

Sorry for being so late to the party!

So the story goes......met a guy who's into being dominated and humiliated, but without pain..kinda likes D/s but no S&M. It's really difficult to get over this seeing as how I am both a submissive, not a dominate, and I'm into pain as a punishment. How do you dominate someone without beating their ass? Being the person I am, I want to totally please him, and what pleases him is to be dominated. it is a problem, that it is. Also we kinda broached the subject of playing in the anal regions. Which I have never done, and have no idea where to start. I mean, I really don't relish the idea of shoving a 12 inch dildo up his ass or anything, I just need an idea on what would be a good starter on something like that. Something small, just enough to block the anal walls from completly closing when he's cumming for the better ride. I really don't know. If anyone has suggestions, please pipe up. Thanks.

Yes, I do believe a woman can become more dom in a relaztionship.

My wife has.

Here is a thread that may help.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=105924

It just depends on where he really wants to go with this D/s thing.

Most of the time I am more Dom, but we do switch rolls. She isn't very imaginative because of a lack of practice and confidence, but she is trying.

It also points out what a man in a Dom position is required to do inorder to be a "good lover" and avoid the "vanilla" boredom.

 

[Natasha667]

tehe

ok, we've done the anal beads. And he liked em............ alot. It's probably one of the most powerful orgasms I've ever seen him have. Now he wants to try the strapon. this is going to be an experience. And I'm getting more, and more comfortable bossing him around. It's really a different feeling for me. I still want someone to be the upperhand in a relationship. But this between us is fun. And I'm ready to try some creative tying techniques involving a ribbon and his genitals.

 

[Netzach]

A ribbon and a winkie can be a powerful gateway drug.

You may like this more than you thought you would.

 

[serijules]

I don't have much in the way of advice to offer, but I have been in a situation/relationship like this once. A local play partner admitted to me he liked anal play, being dominated, and spanking. Basically he was a switch but never let that side of him out to play. He asked me if I would be willing to explore it with him. I don't really have a dominant bone in my body, but at the time I mistakenly identified as a switch.

It was tough for me...very tough. I didn't have the confidence to top him well, and didn't have the knowledge to create that confidence. It went reasonably well and we had some good times, but I never enjoyed the actual dominating or anal play...I enjoyed knowing that he trusted me with this part of himself and that I was helping him explore something he didn't get to explore very often. So that focus helped me better serve his needs, so to speak.

Eventually the relationship did fall apart though because every time we played, I felt like in order to get what I wanted, I had to return the favour to him...and I simply didn't have it in me to top THAT often and couldn't turn the Top/bottom switch on and off as fast as he could. Sometimes we would have limited time, and it would be like "ok I'll spank/dominate/fuck you first and then you can do me" type of feeling and that was a serious turn off for me. So be careful that you balance the needs of both of you out with some serious communication, or the scale will start to tip in ways that may create resentment.

 

[Natasha667]

I don't have much in the way of advice to offer, but I have been in a situation/relationship like this once. A local play partner admitted to me he liked anal play, being dominated, and spanking. Basically he was a switch but never let that side of him out to play. He asked me if I would be willing to explore it with him. I don't really have a dominant bone in my body, but at the time I mistakenly identified as a switch.

It was tough for me...very tough. I didn't have the confidence to top him well, and didn't have the knowledge to create that confidence. It went reasonably well and we had some good times, but I never enjoyed the actual dominating or anal play...I enjoyed knowing that he trusted me with this part of himself and that I was helping him explore something he didn't get to explore very often. So that focus helped me better serve his needs, so to speak.

Eventually the relationship did fall apart though because every time we played, I felt like in order to get what I wanted, I had to return the favour to him...and I simply didn't have it in me to top THAT often and couldn't turn the Top/bottom switch on and off as fast as he could. Sometimes we would have limited time, and it would be like "ok I'll spank/dominate/fuck you first and then you can do me" type of feeling and that was a serious turn off for me. So be careful that you balance the needs of both of you out with some serious communication, or the scale will start to tip in ways that may create resentment.

thank you, I'll definatly be sure to keep the communications open between us. though, we aren't worried about the relationship falling apart. Neither one of us takes it that seriously. I forsee us eventually falling into friendship. But for now, we're just having fun.