Blame?

[w232]

I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of months ago. I had never had a proper girlfriend before her.

We broke up because "things weren't working out". I found out later that I had been annoying the hell out of her. I had been going over the top with her, being too clingy etc because I didn't know where the limits where or how I should act.

Thing is I thought I was doing really well because one of the first things I told her was that she was my first proper girlfriend and she had to tell me if I was doing something that annoyed her because otherwise I wouldn't stop and go on annoying her and thats totally not what I wanted.

I am really angry that she didn't tell me about me annoying her. But part of me doesn't want to be angry because I didn't start conversations about how things were between us and find out about these things.

So...

Is it my fault for relying too much on her to tell me whether or not I was annoying her?

Or...

Is it her fault for not telling me that I was annoying her?

/confusion

 

[SweetErika]

I suspect it's a combination of both: you went way overboard (at least for her...remember that all women are different, so what she may hate, another woman may love, and you have to communicate to find that out) and she should have told you how she was feeling.

Instead of focusing on who's to blame or feeling guilty, focus on what you learned from this (to communicate better/more, hopefully), and move on. Placing blame isn't going to change the outcome or help you in any significant way; it'll likely just make you bitter and have a negative impact on future relationships.

All sorts of things can, and do, go wrong in relationships. The best we can do is learn lessons, move on and do our best not to repeat mistakes.

 

[redpaint]

I suspect it's a combination of both: you went way overboard (at least for her...remember that all women are different, so what she may hate, another woman may love, and you have to communicate to find that out) and she should have told you how she was feeling.

Instead of focusing on who's to blame or feeling guilty, focus on what you learned from this (to communicate better/more, hopefully), and move on. Placing blame isn't going to change the outcome or help you in any significant way; it'll likely just make you bitter and have a negative impact on future relationships.

All sorts of things can, and do, go wrong in relationships. The best we can do is learn lessons, move on and do our best not to repeat mistakes.

I can't say it any better.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I think the fact that you found these things out only after she split with you tell you that this girl is not 'the one.' If she had strong feelings for you, she would have wanted to communicate and give you the opportunity to change your behaviour. She didn't. There must have been things she did that bugged the shit out of you but you cared for her enough that they didn't matter.

Blame is not going to help you here. Neither is completely changing how you approach relationships. You are who you are and one day you'll meet someone who loves that person without wanting to change them.

The only thing you might want to ask yourself is whether your 'clingyness' was born of jealousy and insecurity rather than genuine affection. If you constantly worry that a girlfriend might 'find someone better' then they can feel that you don't have any trust in them or faith in their feelings for you.

Like Erika said, focus on what you can learn. In years to come, you'll look back on this and laugh, believe me.

 

[Username_In_Use]

It sounds like both your faults. Not like allocating blame will help anything.

 

[Username_In_Use]

It sounds like both your faults. Not like allocating blame will help anything.

 

[Username_In_Use]

It sounds like both your faults. Not like allocating blame will help anything.

 

[w232]

I know but it just makes me so angry that she didn't say anything. Grrr.

 

[greeneyed_Lady]

Some can't because they don't want to hurt feelings or cause problems they just don't want to deal with. I know I find it difficult to talk about things sometimes.

If you are still so upset by her actions, you are allowing her to have that power over you still. Your responsibility starts and stops with your own actions. If you think you are doing something that annoys your partner, talk to them about it. It's up to them to say "yes, that does bother me" or "no, not at all". You have control over your actions, no one else's.

 

[thetwolezz]

I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of months ago. I had never had a proper girlfriend before her.

We broke up because "things weren't working out". I found out later that I had been annoying the hell out of her. I had been going over the top with her, being too clingy etc because I didn't know where the limits where or how I should act.

Thing is I thought I was doing really well because one of the first things I told her was that she was my first proper girlfriend and she had to tell me if I was doing something that annoyed her because otherwise I wouldn't stop and go on annoying her and thats totally not what I wanted.

I am really angry that she didn't tell me about me annoying her. But part of me doesn't want to be angry because I didn't start conversations about how things were between us and find out about these things.

So...

Is it my fault for relying too much on her to tell me whether or not I was annoying her?

Or...

Is it her fault for not telling me that I was annoying her?

/confusion

Can you explain more how you went overboard? To some women, it may not be so. Or it may.
Doesn't really matter. If the relationship is over, you just need to know what you did wrong so the next relationship is better. Learning experience

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I know but it just makes me so angry that she didn't say anything. Grrr.

Sounds like immaturity on her part.

 

[w232]

Some can't because they don't want to hurt feelings or cause problems they just don't want to deal with. I know I find it difficult to talk about things sometimes.

If you are still so upset by her actions, you are allowing her to have that power over you still. Your responsibility starts and stops with your own actions. If you think you are doing something that annoys your partner, talk to them about it. It's up to them to say "yes, that does bother me" or "no, not at all". You have control over your actions, no one else's.

I know and I really don't want to be focusing on the issue so much but firstly I am really angry about it and secondly there is nothing much else going on in my life to distract me from her. I am moving away from home properly, there are no good friends around at the moment and I'm looking for a job.

Can you explain more how you went overboard? To some women, it may not be so. Or it may.
Doesn't really matter. If the relationship is over, you just need to know what you did wrong so the next relationship is better. Learning experience

Well I guess thats the thing, I am not sure what "overboard" means. I tried to see her as often as I could but she works 9-5 and I was a lowly student at the time so I had all the time in the world and she didn't. I don't think I tried to force her to see me, I tried to go for once every two or three days, depending on what we had done if anything during the weekend.


When we started going out there was a lot of texting but obviously with seeing her more often, I again tried not to hassle her. I wanted to know how she was, being the caring person I am, but in her words, I texted her constantly which I really didn't think I did. I sent 1 or two messages a day, depending on what was going on.

Being my first proper relationship, I didn't have any experience of where boundaries would be but I trusted my gut, and her, to tell me when to back off. Maybe I couldn't trust her after all.

At the end of the day, I tried to be caring and even romantic when the possibility arose but I guess thats not what she wanted at all. I don't know anything any more.