Hey everyone , got a big time problem here .. im 20 years old . my boyfriend and i have a pretty healthy sex life , but theres just one problem .. i cant get off .. now i mean , ive had things happen to me in my life when i was younger that could be the problem .. as it is i didnt even lose my virginity til i was almost 18 ... hes tried to go down on me for as long as it takes , hes tried the whole me laying on my stomach while he rubs my g spot from behind thing , the vibrator ( which only works when im doing it and hes touching me ) , ice ... now im open , and which ive been open to so many things since weve gotten together .. and .. just nothing seems to get me to that point of extacy ... i dont want him to feel like hes not doing it right , because he is , i love it when hes down there doing his thing .. its great .. just .. if im not helping him while hes there , i cannot get off , and even with me helping , i dont always get off .. does anyone have any ideas as to what the hell i should be doing , or what i could be doing to maybe help myself get to that point ?????
Big Time Problem ...
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silverwhisper
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whatever those early experiences were--and my sympathies, btw--they might be the problem. if you haven't already seen a therapist or counselor, if there's one available, consider making use of that resource.
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golfadikt2
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I must agree with Silver...
Contact a psychiatrist or psychologist and ask them to refer you to a sex therapist.
If he's rubbing the g-spot, you should be going off like crazy.
A lot of women suffer from this problem. I have a close friend that claims she has never experienced an orgasm. When she talked to a sex therapist, she discovered that she was always concentrating on getting the guy off, therefore she never relaxed enough to allow herself to have an orgasm.
I feel for your earlier life experiences.
Could this problem be similar to erectile dysfunction in men?
Contact a psychiatrist or psychologist and ask them to refer you to a sex therapist.
If he's rubbing the g-spot, you should be going off like crazy.
A lot of women suffer from this problem. I have a close friend that claims she has never experienced an orgasm. When she talked to a sex therapist, she discovered that she was always concentrating on getting the guy off, therefore she never relaxed enough to allow herself to have an orgasm.
I feel for your earlier life experiences.
Could this problem be similar to erectile dysfunction in men?
well honestly , yes .. i have gone to see someone about it , and well .. they didnt think i really needed them .. i dont think i need them .. i mean ... ive dealt with what happened pretty well .. i know it happened , i know it wasnt my fault , i know there isnt anything i can do about it now , so i just let it go .. its the past .. yea i do concentrate on him getting off , but i also allow myself to concentrate on just that , myself . its like .. he gets me right there , and it just ... stops .. as far as the g spot , i do go crazy , i love it .. it feels great .. i just cant orgasm .. for whatever reason , the only way i can get off , which isnt all the time , is when im helping while hes going down on me .. and even that takes me along time
SesameStreet
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well .. thats a toughy .. do you think maybe i try too hard ? 
im not too sure .. hmmm .. let me know if you can think of anything else .. because i really cant .. although i have thought about using a clitoral vibe , one that like .. straps onto myself , and while im on top , maybe it would help get me off .. what do you think ?
im not too sure .. hmmm .. let me know if you can think of anything else .. because i really cant .. although i have thought about using a clitoral vibe , one that like .. straps onto myself , and while im on top , maybe it would help get me off .. what do you think ?
golfadikt2
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I'm out of ideas... I'll ask a friend who's a sex therapist what she thinks...
I do have a close friend who lost his erection whenever they put a rubber on him. His wife (then fiance) even tried to do it with her mouth or ways that he wouldn't know she put it on him.
When he went to the doctor and got tested for another illness, they found out he had an allergic reaction to latex.
Hmmm... you've got a tough situation. I feel for you. Having an orgasm is better than getting hi with all other drugs combined.
But remember... there ARE two types of orgasms... the mental orgasm and the physical orgasm. Most people obtain the state of both of them almost simultaneously. Perhaps you obtain the mental, but not the physical..... I'm not a doctor so I'm done trying to diagnose it... but the problem does intrigue men.
I do have a close friend who lost his erection whenever they put a rubber on him. His wife (then fiance) even tried to do it with her mouth or ways that he wouldn't know she put it on him.
When he went to the doctor and got tested for another illness, they found out he had an allergic reaction to latex.
Hmmm... you've got a tough situation. I feel for you. Having an orgasm is better than getting hi with all other drugs combined.
But remember... there ARE two types of orgasms... the mental orgasm and the physical orgasm. Most people obtain the state of both of them almost simultaneously. Perhaps you obtain the mental, but not the physical..... I'm not a doctor so I'm done trying to diagnose it... but the problem does intrigue men.
do you have any ideas on how i can relax more , and get more into it .. ?? because ive pretty much tried everything on here .. hes the one that got me into reading things on here , mainly because he wanted me to try new things .. which ive done , and most of which are pretty awesome .. like i said .. theres only that one little problem .. :: sigh :: id appreciate it if you did ask around though .. couldnt hurt right ?
SweetErika
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That's not necessarily true. Some women don't get off from g-spot stimulation, and my own experience has been that it takes A LOT of time, relaxation and practice to get there.golfadikt2 said:
I hate it when people say, "S/he will orgasm with XYZ," or something like, "Women get off on oral," because it creates the impression that there's something wrong with us if it just doesn't happen. It took me YEARS to have my first orgasm from oral, and all that time I kept wondering what my problem was since oral seemed to be one of the only ways 95% of women got off. Those expectations and anxiety become a real problem.
Mathis, I've been, and sometimes still am, there. Any anxiety or distractions put me off track quickly, which is so damn frustrating! The main solution is to eliminate both of those. I've written in-depth about what helps me in these posts/threads, so perhaps you could take a look and give some of the suggestions a shot:
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=16344075&highlight=distract*#post16344075 (This whole thread is great, though, so I'd suggest purusing all of it)
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=13130125&highlight=distract*#post13130125
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=281293 (My thread on "Missing Orgasms" -- the suggestions in here helped immensely)
Don't worry, it might take time and lots of experimentation (what could be better?
), but with a loving, patient partner (sounds like you've got that covered!), you'll figure it out. Chances are, once you take the pressure off yourself and address any issues, it'll happen! Good luck, and let us know how it goes--you wouldn't believe how many women struggle with this, and never know who your posts will help.
SweetErika said:That's not necessarily true. Some women don't get off from g-spot stimulation, and my own experience has been that it takes A LOT of time, relaxation and practice to get there.
I hate it when people say, "S/he will orgasm with XYZ," or something like, "Women get off on oral," because it creates the impression that there's something wrong with us if it just doesn't happen. It took me YEARS to have my first orgasm from oral, and all that time I kept wondering what my problem was since oral seemed to be one of the only ways 95% of women got off. Those expectations and anxiety become a real problem.
Mathis, I've been, and sometimes still am, there. Any anxiety or distractions put me off track quickly, which is so damn frustrating! The main solution is to eliminate both of those. I've written in-depth about what helps me in these posts/threads, so perhaps you could take a look and give some of the suggestions a shot:
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=16344075&highlight=distract*#post16344075 (This whole thread is great, though, so I'd suggest purusing all of it)
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=13130125&highlight=distract*#post13130125
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=281293 (My thread on "Missing Orgasms" -- the suggestions in here helped immensely)
Don't worry, it might take time and lots of experimentation (what could be better?
Good luck, and let us know how it goes--you wouldn't believe how many women struggle with this, and never know who your posts will help.
thanks erika , even though , ive tried alot of that .. im still willing to try again .. i know its all mental , it has to be .. i enjoy it so much , yet just cant seem to let go .. for one , when we first tried the " me on my stomach , him playin with my g spot " thing , it felt so good , yet i had him stop .. dont ask me why .. the first time he went down on me , i made him stop when i was almost there .. i have no idea why i have this block in my head that wont let me cum , but .. i thought about the idea of maybe getting a tv in the bedroom , with a video camera pointed at us , of corse with good angle
and maybe that would help .. i mean watching hard core porn aka porn that actually shows sex .. is fun .. its exciting .. do you think that would help ? another thing , he wanted to do .. is maybe have another girl involved .. ive fantasized about it as well , i just never actually " wanted " to do it .. or go through with it .. do yall think it might could be a good idea to at least give it a try ?
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SweetErika
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I know, Sweetie, I know! Have you tried using your vibe on your clit while he stimulates your g-spot? That helps several of us, I think because it takes the mental pressure off somewhat, and adds more sensation. Also try alternating the two types of stimulation, and take breaks when you need to.mathis847 said:
Maybe it's as simple as you're worried you won't get there, and don't want to face the disappointment/"failure" (which it's not, really). That gets me sometimes; some part of me doesn't want one more experience to support the theory that I have trouble.
If that turns you on, it's definitely worth a try!but .. i thought about the idea of maybe getting a tv in the bedroom , with a video camera pointed at us , of corse with good angle
One more thing that works for me is having the control taken out of my hands. That can be as simple as him saying something like, "I'm going to keep you here and tease you all night. I'm not going to let you come until I've tortured you to the point that you can't stand it anymore and start begging." Light bondage and other things that support that idea can help, too, but it's mostly the idea that someone else is in charge, so I can't screw it up for myself. Fantasies that fit with his words and actions support this whole line of reasoning, and keep the negative thoughts from creeping in.
It took us awhile to figure this out and perfect the scenario, so if you want to give something similar a try, realize that it can take time to find and build on what really gets you going. Stories that involve the concept of 'pleasure torture' and 'orgasm denial' might be a good place to start and give you plenty of fodder for fantasizing during.
midwestyankee
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The French term for orgasm is "la petit mort" (the little death) and it's a very sensible term. When we orgasm we lose virtually all control over our bodies and our minds. Some have likened an orgasm to varying forms of spiritual union. M. Scott Peck makes this assertion and even goes so far as to suggest that this is one reason why the words, "Oh God!" are so commonly used by women on the verge of an orgasm.
The thing is, losing all control over ourselves and death are pretty scary. For many women, a feeling of complete safety is necessary before they can allow themselves to release into orgasm. I've no way of knowing if this is an issue for you, mathis847, but if you're young and in a relatively new relationship you may simply not have a strong enough sense of security in your heart of hearts to let loose. It's possible that you've never felt enough safety in any of your earlier relationships. It's worth thinking about, if nothing else.
The thing is, losing all control over ourselves and death are pretty scary. For many women, a feeling of complete safety is necessary before they can allow themselves to release into orgasm. I've no way of knowing if this is an issue for you, mathis847, but if you're young and in a relatively new relationship you may simply not have a strong enough sense of security in your heart of hearts to let loose. It's possible that you've never felt enough safety in any of your earlier relationships. It's worth thinking about, if nothing else.
M's girl
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What can I say and add after all the wise words, mainly also from Sweet Erica? I am the same as you. I'm not 20 anymore (over 40 is more like it) and I'm in a steady relationship where trust (or the lack of) is not an issue... and still I have a hard time reaching orgasm most of the time. You are certainly not the only one.
Really good advice has been given here already. I would highlight the "try not to worry too much" part. Oh yeah... and the whole G-spot thing is not working for all women! It isn't for me and it's not like I (we) haven't tried every position and what have you...
Really good advice has been given here already. I would highlight the "try not to worry too much" part. Oh yeah... and the whole G-spot thing is not working for all women! It isn't for me and it's not like I (we) haven't tried every position and what have you...
SweetErika
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Excellent thoughts, Yank.midwestyankee said:
The relationship aspect isn't an issue for me right now, but there is some residue from my assault that impacts intimacy, security and letting go, no matter how much I've worked on it or healed. That doesn't sound quite right, but I'm sure the teacher in you can decipher it.
Straight-8
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I agree with a lot of the advice you have been given - especially Yankee's take on it - but it seems to me that a lot of women take a while to mature into orgasmic people. Whether that is wholly or partly due to the need for complete confidence in the relationship or exactly what I don't know, but I doubt that 'trying really hard' is going to help. On the contrary, I think relaxing and going with the flow is far more likely to allow you to (eventually) achieve orgasm. Just enjoy sex the way you do for now and let it come.
Kimberly39
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Just Wondering...
Are you taking any kind of anti-depressant? You're comment that "he gets me right there, and it just...stops" reminded me of the glass ceiling I experienced during a period of time that I was taking anti-depressants. I do know it is a common side effect...not trying to be nosy, just trying to help.
mathis847 said:
Are you taking any kind of anti-depressant? You're comment that "he gets me right there, and it just...stops" reminded me of the glass ceiling I experienced during a period of time that I was taking anti-depressants. I do know it is a common side effect...not trying to be nosy, just trying to help.
Kimberly39
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mathis847 said:
Try NOT to concentrate. Try talking about your favorite fantasy during sex. You can both contribute and build the fantasy together...great way to relax and let your orgasm happen.
Kimberly39
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Sorry I didn't wait for a reply before offering another suggestion. I was just trying to think of things that have helped me in the same situation. Of course, it could be that I couldn't help myself from being a blabbermouth
Kimberly39 said:
no im not , but i was thinking about it , sometimes ... being that i seriously have mood changes and all .. i honestly do not know why or what the problem is here ... i agree , i shouldnt concentrate ... i know i should relax, its just hard sometimes .... not too sure , but tonight probably wont be the night that i try anything being hes upstairs and well ... nevermind ... but one day hopefuly ill try the things out that erika suggested
well to my surprise last night .. i did get an oppertunity .. we started out with foreplay .. just touching and kissing , went to sucking and licking .. then i wanted him to stop so i could please him .. for whatever reason i am into pleasing him first and not myself .. anywho though ... then ... basically instead of him just go down on me , we started out with him just rubbing and teasing ... so i started to use the vibe .... after awhile of that , i just wasnt getting excited enough so .. i told him to rub my g spot while i was playing with myself , along with kissing the thighs , which he added .. so yea ... i got my orgasm that way .. maybe it was the concentration issue ?? i dont know .. but i slept good last night thank you guys .. if what u said didnt help .. at least you tried and yea ... we still plan on trying new things anyway ... anyways ,i need to get back up there to bed ... hes still sleeping ... was going to give the ole' blowjob in the morning thing a shot to see how he liked it .. thanks again , and still keep posting , because you can never run out of good ideas
thank you guys .. if what u said didnt help .. at least you tried and yea ... we still plan on trying new things anyway ... anyways ,i need to get back up there to bed ... hes still sleeping ... was going to give the ole' blowjob in the morning thing a shot to see how he liked it .. thanks again , and still keep posting , because you can never run out of good ideas
midwestyankee
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Congratulations!
silverwhisper
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that's great!
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ickle_stace
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well done
if you were always concentrating on getting him off more than what was happening in yourself, then it'll make it harder, you just have to relax and enjoy the feelings you're receiving
if you were always concentrating on getting him off more than what was happening in yourself, then it'll make it harder, you just have to relax and enjoy the feelings you're receiving
spiderider
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I have only been able to ever get myself off clitorally - and I'm ok with that... it still takes me a very long time - often as long as an hour - but damn, it's worth it.
Gspot though, my husband is amazing at - and I love it. But if I could only have one or the other, I'd go for the clit without a second's hesitation.
This doesn't make me enjoy sex any less however - and I really look forward to my alone time. Additionally, it has really made me respect and appreciate the need for us to have a separate (solo) sex life of self-pleasure.
Though my stunted clit is annoying, I did go 24 years before discovering it's potential.
I've still only been able to get off twice by self-manual stimulation - but I have graduated with honours from the vibrator to the showerhead... and in my continuing preparations for the impending energy crisis, I feel it's only doing my part to ensure that I finesse the manual skill.
I mean... imagine a water and battery shortage...
I shoulda' been a girlscout.
Gspot though, my husband is amazing at - and I love it. But if I could only have one or the other, I'd go for the clit without a second's hesitation.
This doesn't make me enjoy sex any less however - and I really look forward to my alone time. Additionally, it has really made me respect and appreciate the need for us to have a separate (solo) sex life of self-pleasure.
Though my stunted clit is annoying, I did go 24 years before discovering it's potential.
I've still only been able to get off twice by self-manual stimulation - but I have graduated with honours from the vibrator to the showerhead... and in my continuing preparations for the impending energy crisis, I feel it's only doing my part to ensure that I finesse the manual skill.
I mean... imagine a water and battery shortage...
I shoulda' been a girlscout.
